The Healing Powers of Hog Feces

THIS IS THE KIND OF PERSON I AM. When I see the headline "Police find suspect neck-deep in liquid manure pit," I read the story.



The pit was filled with a combination of hog and dog feces, and the suspect had been there for at least an hour. Now, I'm sure this guy thought, "the cops will never look for me here." I'm sure he thought he was being an amazing criminal mastermind. Which only makes him more fantastic in my mind.

But what you really have to admire about this guy, other than his crippling meth addiction naturally, is his tenacity. After the cops found him in the feces pit [new band name alert!], he still became combative with them and had to be shocked twice with a stun gun. Twice.

So after an hour soaking in a pool of hog and dog feces, this guy's will was so indomitable he still fought back. That hour in the poo didn't dampen his spirit at all.

I have to think that there's a Trading Places type of movie that starts with this guy's story, then a modern day Don Ameche and Ralph Bellamy give each other a knowing look. And one of them says, "That's exactly the type of spirit we're missing at the executive level!" They clean up the meth addict and teach him how to manage the company, in a montage set to Fountains of Wayne's "Bright Future in Sales." For some reason Hector Elizondo is there tutoring him.

Our hero succeeds. (Of course!) But there's something missing, an emptiness he feels. And despite the fancy clothes, expensive cars and scads of money, he still spends nights in his penthouse apartment staring out the window and sighing deeply.

"What is it, baby?" asks one of his many prostitutes.

"Nothing," he says, forcing a smile. "Nothing at all. Now remind me, how much for a rusty trombone?"

"Usually $200," she smiles. "But you seem so sad tonight, how about this one's on me?"

He touches her face. "Thank you."

Then, the night of the big board meeting, the guy bolts from the room, in the middle of his presentation. He rushes out of the room, down the elevator and to his waiting limo.

"Take me to this address!" he shouts as he gives his driver a slip of paper.

"Yessir! Immediately, sir!" comes the reply.

Back in the boardroom it is chaos. The oldest, stodgiest board member harangues Don Ameche and Ralph Bellamy. "What have you gotten us into? We trusted this crazy experiment of yours! If he isn't back here in thirty minutes, I will have no recourse but to remove you both from the board of directors!"

"But our father started this company!" Don Ameche says.

Now it's a car chase! Don Ameche and Ralph Bellamy's limo chasing our hero's limo! But where are they going? Out of the city? What could possibly be way out here in the country?

"Oh no," Ralph Bellamy says. "He couldn't. He wouldn't."

But he is. Our hero's limo stops at a hog farm and he gets out, breathes deeply and smiles, for the first time in a long time.

The limo driver flinches a little at the smell, then asks, "Do you want me wait for you, sir?"

"No, you're free to go, Jenkin-Jeeves. Thank you for being such a good friend."

Our hero then walks, head held high, toward the feces pit. He strips off his tailored suit as he walks. He's smiling. A tear of joy in the corner of one eye.

Don Ameche and Ralph Bellamy's limo pulls up and they both get out and cover their noses and mouths with fancy silk handkerchiefs. "Why didn't you stop him?" they ask the limo driver.

"I don't know," Jenkin-Jeeves says. "He just looked so happy.

David Bowie's "Heroes" plays on the soundtrack as our hero, now stripped naked, marches into the feces pit. He stops once he's buried up to his neck. The camera pushes in on his face.

We know he's finally home.

The End.

Then, of course, the hilarious and obligatory outtakes as the credits run.

I'm Not Trapped In Here With You...

THIS IS MAYBE THE BEST THING since The Shining mash-up.

How To Kill Someone

IT'S A VERY SIMPLE PROCESS. All you need is a jeep, an abandoned road, a blow-up doll,a red pickup truck, a machine gun, a skateboard and a bazooka. Oh wait, you also need "some heavy doobies."

Box Office Fizzle

IT FEELS GOOD TO COME BACK from such a poor showing in one week with a decent showing the next. While I was far too generous (a recurring theme this summer) with The Longshots, over-estimating its numbers by half, I hit the bulls-eye with Death Race, and landed a solid C with my House Bunny prediction. While 75.8% may not seem like much, it is Numberwang!

Death Race
My prediction: $13 million
Actual opening weekend: $12.6 million
Accuracy: 96.9%

The House Bunny
My prediction: $11 million
Actual opening weekend: $14.5 million
Accuracy: 75.8%

The Longshots
My prediction: $6 million
Actual opening weekend: $4 million
Accuracy: 66.7%

Babylon A.D.
And with the release of the latest Vin Diesel movie, the summer has official drawn to a close. Sorry, Vin Diesel, the days when your movie could be included in summer blockbusters has passed. Now, you have to release your movies just outside the summer and peeking in. Like you're a hungry moppet pressing your face against the bakery window, staring at those delicious cinnamon rolls. Why do other people get to have those rolls, Vin, and you do not? It doesn't seem fair, does it? Remember the good old days when you were the voice of a lovable robot from outer space? Now you just act like one. Wow! That was a snap. I totally snapped The Pacifier!

Opening weekend: $13 million
Total take: $40 million

Disaster Movie
What can you say about this sub-genre of movies? Can you call them funny? Can you call them clever? Can you call them necessary? No, they are none of these things. But they are filled with D-list actors doing impersonations of famous people. And that's gotta count for something right? I mean, it's hilarious if you see someone who looks almost nothing like Flava-Flav, but is dressed like him and says "boy-eeee" like him, that's almost like a joke right? Who needs actual jokes when you can replace them with references to famous people? And, failing that, have Tony Cox play Indiana Jones.

Opening weekend: $11 million
Total take: $39 million

College
Man, I sure hope all the jokes in the movie are as homophobic as the jokes in every trailer.

Opening weekend: $5 million
Total take: $21 million

Box Office Boo-Boo

MY MENTAL POWERS ARE COMPLETELY UNRELIABLE. That's what this recurring entry has always been about. And it is what drives the wife so crazy. I would have been better off with my Tropic Thunder prediction had I simply copied the actual weekend box office numbers for Pineapple Express and called them my prediction. As for The Clone Wars, I guess the excitement of the kids did not outweigh the apathy of the adults. My 44.2% accuracy on Clone is pretty much in line with the wife's estimation of my mental powers. And when I first saw the box office numbers for the weekend, I thought my other predictions would be in about the same neighborhood of accuracy -- barely over 50% for each of the films. Once I crunched the numbers, though, it didn't look so bad. Don't get me wrong, it was bad. Just not as bad as I had thought. Take a look.

Tropic Thunder
My prediction: $35 million ($55 million)
Actual opening weekend: $25.8 million ($36.8 million)
Accuracy: 73.7% (66.9%)

Star Wars: The Clone Wars
My prediction: $33 million
Actual opening weekend: $14.6 million
Accuracy: 44.2%

Mirrors
My prediction: $9 million
Actual opening weekend: $11.1 million
Accuracy: 81%


Death Race
The opening of Death Race signals the end of the blockbuster portion of the summer. Unlike the original which was directed by oddball moviemaker Paul Bartel (most notably of Eating Raoul fame), this Race comes from Resident Evil trilogy director Paul W.S. Anderson. If the Resident Evil films were his Lord of the Rings, then this movie is certainly his King Kong. Oh snap! No, I didn't! Yes, I did! Wait! What do I mean by that? Do I have to mean anything? Isn't it enough that I just made a clever comparison? I thought that's what film criticism was all about. That and hilarious puns and wordplay. Like saying "Tropic Thunder is a lightning fast comedy." or "Mamma Mia! has the ability to transform even the grumpiest non-musical fan into a 'Dancing Queen.'” See? It's fun! Now, what was I talking about? Death Race? Really? Hmm. Oh, okay. "I don't think that many people will 'race' to the theater, as this film officially marks the 'death' of the summer blockbuster season." Zing! Try coming back from that one, Death Race!

Opening weekend: $13 million
Total take: $60 million

The House Bunny
The fact that industry insiders are talking about how The House Bunny and Death Race will duke it out for the top spot at the box office this weekend, and that they're predicting about $15 million for the winner, shows you how low the box office draw actually is for both films. Whereas Death Race has the reclusive Jason Statham, who only appears in about 13 films a year, Bunny has Anna Faris, who only appears as a ditzy female lead in about a dozen films a year. If the ads for a film are any indication of a film's overall quality, then The House Bunny is in trouble. The "jokes" in the trailers aren't really jokes. Or at least they don't produce laughs. But maybe they're the kind of jokes you're not supposed to laugh about. Maybe the movie is a thinking man's comedy. The kind where you just grin and nod and then feel good about yourself as you walk out of the theater. And then, a day later, you completely forget you've even seen the movie. Sadly, I think that last sentence might be accurate about this film. In fact, I've already forgotten the film, and I haven't even seen it. Or did I?

Opening weekend: $11 million
Total take: $41 million

The Longshots
Hard-core rapper Ice-T and fantastic douchebag Fred Durst (of Limp Bizkit fame) combine for a gritty, gripping psychological look at...a girl who plays football for a high school team? Wha? Well, if there's anyone who knows how to reach our hearts with his light sentimental touch, it's gotta be Durst, right? Because this time he's not doing it all for the nookie, so there's no need to take the cookie and shove it in your ass. There really isn't. Please put the cookie down. This is a family film. 

Opening weekend: $6 million
Total take: $32 million

(NOTE: I somehow missed that The Rocker had a Wednesday opening. So I don't think it's fair of me to put a prediction down for the film now, especially since I already know that it pulled in just over $500,000 in it's first day. Had I predicted anything though, I would have predicted only about $10 million for its weekend release. But I didn't predict anything, now, did I? No. No, I did not. These aren't the predictions you're looking for...move along.)

Box Office Yo-Yo

NOT GREAT, BUT NOT TERRIBLE. I really thought I had screwed the pooch after I saw that Pineapple Express did over $12 million in its Wednesday bow alone, but business for the film cooled off considerably, dropping my predictions down into solid C territory. Not realizing that Sisterhood was also opening on Wednesday (I am a smart guy like that), I offered no 5-day prediction. Despite that, I was still pretty close with my weekend estimate. Which helped me rebound from my horrible showing last week. Here's the math:

Pineapple Express
My prediction: $32 million ($52 million for five-day opening)
Actual opening weekend: $23.2 million ($41.3 million)
Accuracy: 72.5% (79.4%)

Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2
My prediction: $12 million
Actual opening weekend: $10.6 million
Accuracy: 88.3%

Tropic Thunder
The more they show of this movie, the funnier it looks. And if so many people are getting offended by it before it even hits the theaters, I've gotta think it's going to kill at the box office. Controversy sells tickets! All of this has, in my estimation, raised the profile of this flick from over-hyped potential blockbuster to authentic blockbuster. It really feels like people are excited about seeing this film, and the film looks like it's a better pedigree of comedy from Ben Stiller, who kinda needs some box office redemption after The Heartbreak Kid, and maybe a little comedy street cred infusion after Night at the Museum. But, hey, what the hell do I know about movies? If you ask the wife, she'll say "not much." Who am I to say she's wrong?

Opening weekend: $35 million
Five-day take: $55 million
Total take: $105 million

Star Wars: The Clone Wars
Man, is this one a puzzler! Initially I thought that this addition to the franchise would end up better than any of the last three crappy Star Wars films. I even added the caveat that "it may even suck, but even so will be a better movie than all three of those horrible films put together." But now I'm hearing some very lukewarm feedback about the flick (and a suspicious lack of buzz). Granted, Warner Bros. has a review embargo in effect until the Friday release, but even geeky Star Wars friends of mine seem borderline bored about it. That said, I think they'll all go see it. Also, since when does word that a Star Wars movie sucks keep people out of the theaters? Attack of the Clones did over $300 million, the only slightly less crappy Sith one did $380. Not that this movie's gonna approach those numbers. But still, time and time again, people prove that they're willing to hand over sacks and sacks of money to George Lucas in return for a handful of non-magical beans. It's not even like he tells us the beans are magical. We just hope they are. Because there was a time that they seemed magical. We are stupid.

Opening weekend: $33 million
Total take: $100 million

Bonus Prediction: Mirrors
It looks stupid. Isn't that enough? Um...I sure hope so.

Opening weekend: $9 million
Total take: $31 million

Box Office Rebound!

THE RACE FOR #1 AT THE BOX OFFICE last weekend was pretty close, but no cigar for a certain Mummy, which missed the top spot by just over $2.2 million. (People still love that Batman guy, despite the weird voice.) Pretty much in the ballpark of the "not much more than $3.5 million" I predicted. I would've had both predictions in the same ballpark had I not decided to give Kevin Costner the benefit of the doubt. Still, a much better showing than the last week. It even earned kudos from the wife. And you know she couldn't have been too happy about that.

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor
My prediction: $42 million
Actual opening weekend: $40.5 million
Accuracy: 96.4%

Swing Vote
My prediction: $8 million
Actual opening weekend: $6.2 million
Accuracy: 77.5%


Pineapple Express
Seth Rogen + Judd Apatow + gigantic bags of weed = box office success. If Superbad and 40-Year-Old Virgin and Knocked Up are any indication, and they probably should be, the Express should do pretty well at the box office. The redband trailer was one of the funniest things on the Internet in the last couple months and all the subsequent trailers and scenes shown on the talk shows haven't made the movie look any less awesome. Look, stoners love comedies and they love shit that blows up. I can't believe no one has combined the two in such a genius way before. C'mon, people! James Franco in a dumpster? He doesn't want to get out of the dumpster, because he's already in it! Damn. I guess it loses something in the translation. Maybe I didn't tell it right.

Opening weekend: $32 million
Five-day take: $52 million
Total take: $89 million

Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2
Um...so there's these pants, right? And they travel. For a second time. And some people, mostly young girls will go see it.

Opening weekend: $12 million
Total take: $44 million

Box Office Washout

I TOOK IT IN THE SHORTS LAST WEEK. There's no two ways about it. I predicted moderate disappointment for both X-Files and Step Brothers. When, in fact, it was gigantic disappointment and a strong showing, respectively -- leaving me at 45% and 77% accuracy. Frankly, that's just embarrassing. Here's the numbers.

The X-Files: I Want to Believe
My prediction: $22 million
Actual opening weekend: $10 million
Accuracy: 45%

Step Brothers
My prediction: $24 million
Actual opening weekend: $30.9 million
Accuracy: 77%

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor
In a shocking development, the wife and I have a huge disagreement on this film. She says it's gonna do between $70 and $80 million. I say, no way. Right now, the film has a 10% rating on RottenTomatoes.com, making it one of the worst-reviewed films of the year. Also, Brendan Fraser's box office appeal may be on the wane, considering the box office take of his other summer release, Journey to the Center of the Earth (just over $60 million in three weeks). Considering the fact that Journey is still in the theaters, I'm not so sure America wants that much more of Brendan in their lives right now. Also, The Mummy franchise feels a little bit like yesterday's news -- or more specifically, news from seven years ago. Ultimately, and even though The Dark Knight is in its third weekend, I think The Mummy will have a tough time besting Batman for the top spot. It'll be a close one, I think, with the #1 and #2 spots separated by not much more than $3.5 million.

Opening weekend: $42 million
Total take: $101 million

Swing Vote

Um...what? Really? So, lemme get this straight. The presidential election comes down to one vote. And that deciding vote belongs to Kevin Costner, who is a drunk boob with a precocious kid. So the two candidates try to woo his vote, and in the end democracy wins? While it sounds adorable and pithy and cute and enchanting and like it will make me want to "stand up and cheer" (something I've never done nor witnessed at a theater, yet something critics claim is a regular and normal reaction to seeing a movie), I can't help but take a look at Costner's track record. I know we all consider him to be a MOVIE STAR. But since 1992's The Bodyguard, Costner hasn't broken the $100 million mark even once. The closest he came was $88.2 million with 1995's Waterworld, which isn't exactly considered a box office success. After that, nothing, not one movie, that grossed over $60 million. Also, since 2000, Costner has released eight movies and averaged $35.5 million per movie. Not on opening weekend...total box office. If we're talking opening weekends, those same eight movies have averaged $7.86 million. So, I'll give Costner the benefit of the doubt and give him a little more than his current average.

Opening weekend: $8 million
Total take: $35.7 million

Box Office Blah Blah

I THOUGHT I WAS BEING GENEROUS, but it turns out I was being timid with my prediction. The Dark Knight destroyed the box office in its opening weekend, setting records nearly every day. As of Wednesday, the flick had brought in $222 million, making it the third highest grossing film of the year -- already. But even though I underestimated its awesome power, I was still in the mid-80s in accuracy, which is totally acceptable for me. I was a lot closer with Mamma Mia! and Space Chimps. Take a look.

The Dark Knight
My prediction: $135 million
Actual opening weekend: $158.4 million
Accuracy: 85.2%

Mamma Mia!
My prediction: $25 million
Actual opening weekend: $27.7 million
Accuracy: 90.2%

Space Chimps
My prediction: $8 million
Actual opening weekend: $7.1 million
Accuracy: 88.7%


The X-Files: I Want to Believe
This weekend, like the week and weekend preceding it, belongs to The Dark Knight. That juggernaut of a movie is still not done dominating the box office and it will be the highest grossing film of the weekend by a long shot. And everything a movie-goer might hope to get from The X-Files, The Dark Knight already has in spades. Without even seeing The X-Files, I can tell you that The Dark Knight is more tense, darker, more exciting and a has more bang for the buck. So I predict a tough go at the box office for Mulder and Scully. Also, um, is there anyone but hard-core fans of the show who want to see this flick? The early word is that if you're not a fan of the show you may not even understand what's going on. If that's true...this thing could flop hard. And that's exactly what I think it will do: flop.

Opening weekend: $22 million
Total take: $50 million

Step Brothers
The script for this film was hilarious. And, in general, Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly make me laugh. But it is time to wonder if they've sort of worn out their welcome with the movie-going public. Do people really want to see what amounts to Elf x 2? It's hard to say. The movie does benefit by being the only comedy out there right now. And the trailers do generate laughs. So I think it'll do all right. It's not going to crack the $100 million barrier overall, but it will make some money.

Opening weekend: $24 million
Total take: $61 million

Box Office Savant?

I'LL TRY NOT TO LET IT GO TO MY HEAD, but last week's box office predictions were pretty good, I must say. Even though I missed the Meet Dave number horribly, as I was waaaaayyyyy more generous than the movie-goers were with their interest. Honestly, I thought $17 million represented a pretty dismal opening weekend for an Eddie Murphy movie, and maybe I was right. But it wasn't dismal enough. The $5 million that Meet Dave brought in put it above the lifetime gross of Pluto Nash, so I guess that's some sort of victory, right?

As far as the two other predictions go, I was nearly perfect, nailing Journey to the Center of the Earth's debut on the nose and posting a respectable 93.2% for Hellboy II. Even with Meet Dave factored in, I was 81% accurate for the weekend, which is a solid B. Let's take a gander at those numbers!

Hellboy II: The Golden Army
My prediction: $37 million
Actual opening weekend: $34.5 million
Accuracy: 93.2%

Journey to the Center of the Earth
My prediction: $21 million
Actual opening weekend: $21 million
Accuracy: 100%

Meet Dave
My prediction: $17 million
Actual opening weekend: $5 million
Accuracy: 29%

The Dark Knight 
Here it comes, people: the biggest movie of the summer. And I'm not talking about Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2. No movie will have a bigger debut this summer and no movie will take in more money overall. This is the movie that everyone has been talking about ever since Batman Begins left the theaters. And the tragedy of Heath Ledger's passing has only amplified the buzz. Two weeks ago, I ran into no fewer than a dozen people who were either in the process of securing their tickets for The Dark Knight or had just done so. Two. Weeks. Ago. The critical praise has been crazy good (over 90% positive on RottenTomatoes.com), the trailers look amazing, and everyone is going bananas already, and it's only been open for a few hours. Now that we're securely in the sweaty bosom of summer, it's time for us to meet 2008's box office champ. Embrace it. Love it. See it several times.

Opening weekend: $135 million
Total take: $400 million

Mamma Mia!
The wife always says of my movie predictions, basically, that I base them solely on my feelings about a movie. That if it's a movie I don't want to see, I can't imagine how other people might have a different opinion than mine. And I will not disagree with that statement, not entirely anyway. I do try to take the long view of things. Sometimes it's harder than other times. Like with Mamma Mia!, for instance. I know it's not a movie for me. Just like the musical of the same name was not aimed at me (even though, thanks to my dad, I was a fan of ABBA as a kid). But I'll say this: I thought this movie would easily take in $100 million when I first heard Meryl Streep was on-board. And I continued to think that until last week when I saw a clip and heard Pierce Brosnan's singing. First of all Brosnan is already a little bit of box office poison, even if he's not trying to sing. But good gravy, people! Have you heard the man's yowling? Sweet Jeebus! It's beyond bad. It's beyond embarrassing. That said, I still think the movie will open okay. But I just can't imagine people will return to hear the noise coming from that guy's face.

Opening weekend: $25 million
Total take: $70 million

Space Chimps 
Wow. Really? That's all you've got for me? Space Chimps? And your tagline is "Go bananas!" It's like a movie poster for a fake movie you would see as a prop in another movie. So, it already appears that the movie is, if not there already, on the edge of creative bankruptcy. But then there's the character design. All the chimps look the same, and they're not even cute. And, hey, studio guys, are you sure you want this in the theaters at the same time as Wall-E? You sure about that? You can almost hear them saying, "Well, after a couple of weeks, everyone will be tired of that dumb Pixar robot movie, and they'll be ready for our movie. Plus, our monkeys talk! That robot just says his name over and over again. Bo-ring!" Wait, I could be totally wrong about this! The movie could do really, really well. It could be huge! I'm kidding. It will be horrible and it will do horribly.

Opening weekend: $8 million
Total take: $51 million

Box Office Magician

I AM OFTEN CONFUSED. This is not a point of pride. It is a simple fact. Accent on the simple. That is my explanation for last week's Hancock prediction. It's not the box office gross I chose that shows my confusion, but the total days I decided were in the holiday weekend. You see, Hancock was to open on Wednesday the 2nd, but at the last minute the studio decided to let theaters screen in on Tuesday (the 1st) night as well -- thus the 1/2 day. Because calendars are strange and foreign to me, and because my math skills are no better than those of a toddler, I added the days in my head and came up with "4 1/2 days."

Smart!

Well, even though I had the number of days wrong in the holiday weekend, I still came close to the number for the (actual) 5 1/2-day weekend. And my weekend prediction was one of my most accurate yet. Not that I'll get credit for this from the wife. Oh no, she'll still harp about how right she was about Wanted, and how I was wrong about that. Well, I was wrong about Wanted. Really, really wrong. But I redeemed myself this week. Twofold. Because I also accurately predicted that the movie would not actually be very good (by most people's estimation). Let's run those numbers!

Hancock
My weekend prediction: $61 million
Actual weekend take: $62.6 million
Accuracy: 97.4% (!!!)
My "4 1/2 day" holiday weekend prediction: $93 million
The 5 1/2 day holiday weekend take: $103.8 million
Accuracy: 89.6%

Onto the new week!

Do you hear that? That quiet? That silence? That inexplainable lull? It's everyone catching their breath before The Dark Knight blows everyone's minds next weekend. I think more people have already bought their advance tickets for The Dark Knight than will actually see movies this weekend. Into this gap falls another action flick based on a comic book.

Hellboy II: The Golden Army
The way the talking faces on the tee-vee talk about it, Pan's Labyrinth was seen and loved by everyone! Nothing against the movie, but the advance press on H2: The Golden A is talking about P's L as if it were a huge smash hit. In fact, it grossed $37.6 million domestically. Which is pretty good for a movie made for $19 million (that also grossed another $40+ overseas). But the first Hellboy grossed twice that. Now, I totally understand that artistically and critically P's L put director Guillermo del Toro on the map. But I'm not exactly sure of the crossover appeal from Pan's to the second Hellboy movie. However, that said, the ads look good, the advance word is strong, and I actually think it's going to be a minor hit of the summer. It may just surprise people. Starting with its opening weekend.

Opening weekend: $37 million
Total take: $121 million

Meet Dave
Eddie Murphy movies are in a category all their own. You never hear that he's making another one when all of the sudden -- boom! -- the ads are everywhere. Such was the case with this film, whose one-sheet posters look like Eddie himself produced them on his laptop. Since this is a science fiction comedy (tiny Eddie Murphy is piloting a spaceship that looks like human-sized Eddie Murphy, because tiny EM is an alien trying to learn about humans, but along the way, whoops, he falls in love) and Eddie Murphy's previous science fiction comedy was Pluto Nash (total box office: $4 million...yes, four), I'm going to have to say this one won't do very well. Yes. That's what I'll say. Also, I will say that 48 Hrs. is still a great movie and so is Beverly Hills Cop. Maybe I'll see if those are on the cable this weekend instead!

Opening weekend: $17 million
Total take: $59 million

Journey to the Center of the Earth
For those of you who have missed seeing Brendan Fraser in an action/comedy, this is the summer for you! In fact, this is the three-week span for you. Not only do you get Brendan in three incredible, jaw-dropping, Dramamine-defying dimensions in this family film, but in a few weeks, you also get him duking it out with a mummified Jet Li in the latest Mummy film. Wow, that's a lot of handsomeness and wisecracking for one summer, I can tell you that. If this weren't positioned as a family film (and it didn't have the additional marketing hook of 3D), I'd be tempted to utter my ticket sale-guaranteeing phrase of "no one will see this movie." But I think some people will. More than see Meet Dave, in fact. If the question is, "Is America ready for this Journey?" I'd have to reply, "The answer may surprise you!"

Opening weekend: $21 million
Total take: $101 million

Box Office Jerk

SO MY WIFE WAS TOTALLY RIGHT about Wanted, and I was totally wrong. Both of my predictions were pretty bad. Just a C-average this week. But I will redeem myself (probably not) with my Hancock prediction! But first here's last week's numbers.

Wall-E
My prediction: $77 million
Actual opening weekend: $63 million
Accuracy: 81.8%

Wanted
My prediction: $39 million
Actual opening weekend: $50.9
Accuracy: 76.6%

Hancock
First of all, I think this will not be a very good movie. Even though, I sort of like Will Smith and I definitely like Jason Bateman. But I'm not convinced the director, Peter Berg, has much of a light touch with comedy. I'm certain he can deliver the dynamic visuals associated with a superhero movie. But this idea is sort of a deconstruction of a superhero movie, with an anti-hero as superhero. That said, it is Fourth of July weekend and this is an action movie starring Will Smith. He's pretty bulletproof when it comes to shit like this (even Wild, Wild West grossed over $100 million). So I think it will perform strongly out of the box and for several weeks, even though the word-of-mouth may be less than stellar.

Opening weekend: $61 million
Total 4 1/2 day weekend: $93 million
Total take: $189 million

Box Office Doodle

LAST WEEK, I TOTALLY FLINCHED. I chickened out. From the first ads for The Love Guru, I thought "who will see this movie?" But when it came time to make my prediction, I hedged. I thought maybe...maybe it might do okay. But it did not. Wow, did it ever tank.

Here's the scoop from last week.
The Love Guru
My prediction: $27 million
Actual opening weekend: $13.9 million
Accuracy: 51.4%

Get Smart
My prediction: $35 million
Actual opening weekend: $38.6 million
Accuracy: 90%

This week, it's all about the W's: WALL-E, Wanted and The Wife. Let's start with the gimme.

WALL-E
It's Pixar. It's rated G. It looks awesome and adorable and cute and clever and a tiny bit heartbreaking. Of course, it will take the top spot at the box office. The only question is by how much. I think the G rating will guarantee an easy top spot for WALL-E. Not only can everyone get in to see it, but it appears to appeal to every segment of the marketplace: it's animated (for the kids), it's a romantic comedy (for the ladies), it's science fiction (for the boys), it's rated G (for the little kids), but it's from Pixar (comedy for adults too!).

Opening weekend: $77 million
Total take: $290 million

Wanted
Here's the latest source of disagreement between me and my lady. From the first hints of this movie, I thought it looked stupid. You can curve bullets? Really? Oh please. Also, have you seen the posters? What art school drop out made those posters. Angelina's head is 19 times larger than her body. And her gun is out of bullets but she still has the hammer pulled back. Now, that just makes no sense at all. Meanwhile, the guy from Atonement has two guns pointed in that totally cool (for the '90s) criss-cross arm style. Okay. That said, the reviews have been shockingly positive for this movie. Which has made my wife get all on her crazy movie predicting pedestal (not at all different from mine...hers is pink, mine is blue, naturally) and make the prediction that Wanted will out-gross Hancock. Which is just crazy talk. Hancock is a Will Smith 4th of July joint...about which I will not talk until next week. Now, Wanted may end up being a non-sucky movie (although I still have my doubts), but it won't beat Hancock and it surely won't beat WALL-E. Not with an R rating. Nope. I just don't believe it.

Opening weekend: $39 million
Total take: $119 million

Box Office Idiot

A DARKNESS IS DESCENDING ON THE LAND! Or is it just me be overly dramatic? I can't quite put my finger on it, but it might have something to do with the release of two "comedies" this weekend. Oh boy. The Love Guru and Get Smart? What to say, or predict, about these two? Oy! It's hard for me to imagine a huge audience for either film. But I'll take a stab at it.

Get Smart
First of all, it's based on a TV show people remember as being funnier than it actually was, about a spy who succeeded even though he was actually sort of a bumbling idiot. Okay, so the task ahead of Get Smart is to make relevant a post-Cold War James Bond spoof six years after the third Austin Powers movie already beat that joke into the ground. It's a tough sell. Also, the ads for the movie weren't terribly funny and now they all seem to simply focus on the action. Hmmm. It doesn't feel like a vote of confidence. That said, Steve Carell is very funny and Anne Hathaway is charming and pretty. So maybe people will go see it? Hell, I don't know. Do I ever know?

Opening weekend: $35 million
Total take: $135 million

The Love Guru
Speaking of three Austin Powers movies...um, didn't I see all these jokes already? Only the main character had funny teeth instead of a funny wig and mustache? Is there anyone who wants to see this movie? I guess we'll find out in a couple days. In the meantime...

Opening weekend: $27 million
Total take: $91 million

Catching Up

I'VE BEEN OFF THE GRID A BIT IN THE LAST WEEK, and I apologize. Been a little busy with work and whatnot, but I'm back and ready for action. In my absence, I neglected to log my official prediction for last Friday's box office debuts. So you'll just have to believe that I was going to put The Incredible Hulk at $50 million (total take: $190 million) and The Happening at $30 million (total take: $93 million). In which case, since they brought in $54.5 and $30.5 million respectively, my accuracy would have been 91% and 98%.

I'm afraid you'll just have to believe me.

Anyway, I figure it's time to see how close my predictions of final box office take actually are. Am I genius or a total fool? Or something in between, something we might call a foolius? You decide!

What Happens In Vegas
my prediction: $40 million
actual box office so far: $75.8 million
accuracy so far: 52.7% (and falling)

Speed Racer
my prediction: $90 million
actual box office so far: $42 million
accuracy so far: 46.6%

The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
my prediction: $172 million
actual box office so far: $131.7 million
accuracy so far: 76.6%

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
my prediction: $339 million
actual box office so far: $275.3 million
accuracy so far: 81.2%

Sex & The City
my prediction: $80 million
actual box office so far: $120 million
accuracy so far: 66.7% (and falling)

The Strangers
my prediction: $35 million
actual box office so far: $45.3 million
accuracy so far: 77.3%

Kung Fu Panda
my prediction: $135 million
actual box office so far: $118 million
accuracy so far: 87.4%

You Don't Mess With the Zohan
my prediction: $124 million
actual box office so far: $68.7 million
accuracy so far: 55.4%

It's eerie, isn't it? How good I am at this?

Please don't hate me just because I'm awesome.

Score One For Wendy

CERTAINLY WE COULD ALL SEE THAT COMING. Me eating crow after being so confident that I would be right and my wife would be wrong about Sex & the City, right? How wrong was I? Let's look at the numbers:

Sex & the City
My prediction: $33 million (total take: $80 million)
Actual opening weekend: $57 million
Accuracy: 57.8%
The Strangers
My prediction: $11 million (total take: $35 million)
Actual opening weekend: $20.9 million
Accuracy: 52.6%

Wow. That's a rough ride leading into this upcoming weekend, which has both me and the wife flummoxed.

Kung Fu Panda
Non-Pixar animated films are a crap shoot. Sometimes there's just no telling what people might be interested in. That surfing penguin film looked like it might be cute and funny, but people just didn't care that much about it. So what will people think about this panda? I'm guessing there's a need for a good family film in the theaters right now. Something light and fun and funny. So, I'm guessing Kung Fu Panda opens strong and wins the weekend.

Opening weekend: $52 million
Total take: $135 million

You Don't Mess With The Zohan
Here's the biggest puzzler. Do people really want to see this film? Are people excited to see this actor doing this crazy character? (By the way, that is the same question I'll be asking in two weeks about the new Mike Meyers film.) Adam Sandler comedies tend to fare well at the box office. But one has to wonder whether his ability to draw an audience might be waning. That said, every broad comedy he's made in the last six years has enjoyed an opening weekend in the mid-30s and ended up grossing over $100 million. So...with very little confidence...I'll say this...

Opening weekend: $37 million
Total take: $124 million

Box Office Hubris

I'M ALREADY IN TROUBLE. My wife is already gloating. Sex & The City did $26 million on Friday. But I may still be okay if it just does $7 million today and then no one sees it on Sunday.

So, here's hoping for that.

More Box Office Fun

I ONCE AGAIN CLAIM VICTORY for my astounding mental powers. This time for my prediction about Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Monkey Butlers. Let's look at the numbers.

Indiana Jones: Monkey Butler Madness
My prediction: $159 million (total take: $339 million)
Actual opening 5-day weekend: $151.9 million
Accuracy: 95.5%

After my Prince Caspian prediction (94.8% accuracy), I'm feeling like I'm really on a hot streak going into this weekend. Which gives me even more confidence (perhaps false confidence) than I usually have when I make these stupid guesses.

Sex & the City
My wife believes this movie will be a gigantic box office success. In fact, she has called it "Star Wars for girls" and believes it will do $78 million in its opening weekend, eventually grossing a whopping $250 million ("easy," she says, "at least $250 million"). I agree with my wife that the film will be a success. Our definitions of box office success, however, especially in this case, differ greatly. Firstly, I don't think there's a chance in hell Sex does $250 million over its life in the theater. That's more than The Simpsons movie did by $70 million. And that movie was rated PG and appealed to children and adults of both sexes. Also, I have heard that this movie is boring. That's the word on the street: boring. And this from fans of the show. My belief is that TV shows rarely make good movies (if ever), and that Sex will be no different. It will have a respectible opening, but then, just like The Simpsons, drop off quickly and precipitously.

Opening weekend: $33 million
Total take: $80 million

BONUS PREDICTION: The Strangers
The trailer for this movie scared the shit out of me. It's not expected to do very well, but for no reason at all, I think it will do ok.

Opening weekend: $11 million
Total take: $35 million

Box Office Genius?

I DON'T WANT TO GET AHEAD OF MYSELF, but so far in this Summer Blockbuster Season, I have been pretty accurate with my predictions. First with Speed Racer and What Happens In Vegas (see predictions here) and then with Prince Caspian (here). Let's review last week's numbers.

Prince Caspian
My prediction: $58 million (total take: $172 million)
Actual opening weekend: $55 million
Box office so far: $59 million

This week it's all about one film.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
My wife thinks the movie will not be very good, whereas I believe it will be the second best of the series (between the original and the one with Sean Connery). We both agree, however, that the quality of the film will have little impact on the box office numbers. I don't really see any reason why the film would miss its predicted target for the opening 5-day weekend (between $150-$165 million), nor its predicted target for its total take ($360 million). Caspian is a dud at the box office, Iron Man is on the wane (ever so slowly) and nothing else of note (sorry War, Inc.) is dropping on this weekend. I do think the biggest arguable point will be on the actual quality of the film and where it resides in the quadrology...er...in the trilogy +1.

Opening 5-day weekend: $159 million
Total box office take: $339 million

Prove me wrong, America!

Box Office Buffoon

IT IS WORTH NOTING THAT I WAS ON TARGET with last week's box office predictions. I was a tiny bit generous with Speed Racer and a tiny bit stingy with What Happens In Vegas, but overall, I was close, I think. I did, in fact, accurately predict that Iron Man (which is great, by the way) would be tops at the box office again. Let's review the numbers:

Speed Racer
My prediction: $26.2 million (totalling just under $90 million)
Actual opening weekend: $18.5 million
Box office so far: $21.3 million

What Happens In Vegas
My prediction: $17 million (totalling $40 million)
Actual opening weekend: $20 million
Box office so far: $25 million

I think Speed will be hard-pressed to make $55 million, much less $90 million. And Vegas will probably top out just north of $40, which doesn't sound like much, but it only carried a $35 million price tag. Speed, on the other hand... ouch, $120 million budget. Maybe they'll make it up overseas? What's that? Only $12 million overseas so far? Wow. Flop City.

With only one major release this week, the wife and I are holding off the debut of our video podcast until next week. So here again, for the record, my totally awesome and totally accurate box office predictions for the week of May 16!

The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
The first installment was HUGE: $291.7 million domestically, and $453 million overseas. But it was a Lord of the Rings-like diversion during the Christmas "serious film" releases. Caspian has to face off with Iron Man (still a force at the box office) and the guaranteed box office champ Indy 4 next week. Even though Caspian is the only big release this week, I don't think it will challenge Lion, Witch, Wardrobe's $65.5 opening weekend. It just doesn't seem like there's a buzz about the film. Even with soaking up the kid crowd, I say...

Opening weekend: $58 million
Total take: $172 million

There it is. Tune in next week for the video podcast. This time, for sure!