Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Spam Twenty-Three: Skidoo!

WOW, WHAT HAPPENED? A drop of over 200 emails! The BMS plummeting 10%! I knew that bullshit tax rebate wasn’t going to help the economy!!

Okay, calm down, everyone. I’m sure everything is fine. Fluctuations in the spam-o-sphere are probably totally normal. But I do get worried about the world’s boners. VPXL this week was less than one-third what it was last week. The newest Boner Med on the block, LNH Solutions, is barely making an impression at all. And MaxGain didn’t even bother to make a single impression this week. What a disappointment!

Side note: According to my colleagues at the Megadik blog, Megadik, VPXL and LNH are just different iterations of the same boner med, which wouldn’t be much of a surprise. If this is indeed true, then I fully expect VPXL to pass the torch to LNH in the coming months. Heh-heh, I said coming. Hooray for boner jokes! Yahtzee!

All right, Mr. DeMille, I’m ready for my Chart!

SPAM WATCH WEEK TWENTY-THREE
1158 emails
BMS = 28% (down 10%)

((1/1)) -- 330 Boner Medication (54 VPXL, 44 Viagra/Cialis, 6 LNH Solutions/LNH Maxdik, 5 WonderCum, 0 MaxGain)
((2/2)) -- 258 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((3/3)) -- 218 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((4/6)) -- 127 Online Casino
((5/5)) -- 55 Buy Designer Footwear
((6/4)) -- 40 OEM Software
((7/9)) -- 33 We Will Approve Your Loan/Debt Relief
((8/17)) -- 15 Validate Your Identity (8 Comerica, 3 PayPal, 2 Wachovia, eBay, BofA)
((9/14)) -- 12 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((9/12)) -- 12 Improve Your Health
((11/8)) -- 11 Earn Your Degree
((12/10)) -- 10 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Phentermine/Hoodia)
((13/17)) -- 8 Would You Like to Chat & See My Pics?
((14/11)) -- 6 Stop Smoking
((14/13)) -- 6 Pheromones
((14/16)) -- 6 Foreign Gibberish
((17/18)) -- 4 Job Offer/Employee Search
((18/18)) -- 2 Bank Scam (UK National Lottery)
((19/14)) -- 1 Human Growth Hormone
((19/--)) -- 1 Some Sex Related Zip File Attached
((19/--)) -- 1 Trackstick GPS
((19/--)) -- 1 Bigger/Better Boobs
((19/--)) -- 1 Webmaster, Sell Your Traffic

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Monday, April 28, 2008

Would You Like Me To Take Your Picture Again?

I ALREADY TOLD YOU ABOUT MY NEW BUSINESS VENTURE. I posted about it a month ago (for that entry go here), and, I'll be honest, it generated a less-than-spectacular response. Maybe I didn't accurately describe my new business, which is a portrait studio for young couples. Here are the two photos I posted then.



All of my sample photos feature the same creepy Russian couple, Skyenskya and Zeljko. I think they're adorable, even though they will probably give birth to a monster-baby. That's their doctor talking, not me! I didn't just make it up. It is scientific fact. Or scientific speculation anyway. Either way, it's scientific.

I have more photos to share. More photos of Skyenskya and Zeljko that show my expertise as a photographer of young couples.

EXAMPLE #3: WE ARE STILL SEXY!

I think a lot of young couples, especially those who are expecting, go through a period where they don't feel like they're that sexy anymore. They've been married for a little while and they want the world to know that, "Yes, we still totally do it!" It's only natural. Skyenskya and Zeljko are no different from anyone else in that respect. I wanted to show through this photograph that they are still in love, but also they still are super sexy...monster-baby or no monster-baby. Zeljko's naked back is to the camera to give him an air of mystery, and Skyenskya's hand is on her pregnant belly to show her soft side, but also mainly because the monster-baby's horn kept poking through. I think the sepia tone gives the young couple a classic look.

EXAMPLE #4: I'M TALKING TO THE BABY!

Personally, I believe that once a man has impregnated his woman, he shouldn't have to wear a shirt if he doesn't want to. Shirts are for single guys! A married man needs only a wedding ring and a pair of boxer shorts. Everything else is just gilding the lily. Call me old-fashioned, but that's just how I feel. Looking at this photo, you might wonder, "What is Zeljko saying to his baby?" It's a good question. What do fathers say to their yet-to-be-born offspring? Well, I happen to know exactly what Zeljko said, because I was there. He said, "Please, hell-beast, spare my life. Destroy the rest of mankind if you must, but let me live." It's sort of sweet when you think about it.

EXAMPLE #5: WE ARE ONE WITH NATURE!

I think this photo really shows the ideal world of the future Skyenskya and Zeljko imagine. They would, if they had their choice, like to give birth on a bed of stuffed animals out in a field of wildflowers. They said those very words to me. On a bed of stuffed animals, because of how adorable and warm and cuddly they seem, thereby letting their monster-newborn know there are cuddly soft things in this world in the off chance that might soothe his angry, vengeful soul. And in a field of wildflowers, because maybe by the time the monster-baby realized it had been born way out there in the middle of nowhere, they would be in the car and driving away to safety. Maybe then Skyenskya and Zeljko would survive. Of course, Skyenskya will have to remove her jeans for the actual birth. But I had her keep them on for this photo for artistic reasons.

EXAMPLE #6: WE ARE PLAYFUL!

Honestly, I don't know what the fuck is going on in this picture. It's awkward. It's like Skyenskya is about to give everybody a free show while Zeljko's back is turned. The stuffed animals only make it creepier. Seriously, what the fuck?

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Your New Favorite Bear

SOMEONE HAD TO INVENT HIM. It wasn't me. But I sort of wish it had been.



Click for a larger image, and also so you can read the even more confusing small print.

You're welcome, America.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Give Yourself a Hand

IT'S REFRESHING TO HEAR SOME GOOD NEWS from the world of science. Usually scientists tell us that, for instance, things we hate to eat are really good for us. Or they tell us once again that what we need to do is exercise more.

Again, it's a tired message. It's common sense. And it is also news we are not happy to hear.

Yesterday, however, scientists finally told me something I was pleased to hear.



And while the story says that what masturbation, check that, frequent masturbation does is help prevent prostate cancer. I prefer to think that the activity I will be doing now at least five to seven times a week is curing cancer.

"Don't open the door, honey, I'm curing cancer!"
"Sorry I was late to work, I was curing cancer."
"Wow, that Jessica Alba really makes me want to cure cancer!"

It's a magical, fantastical future! Jacking off is good for you! It's like finding out that playing Xbox prevents tooth decay. Or that donuts help you lose weight.

I predict a variety of T-shirts will soon be available on the Internet Tubes, with the slogan, "Stroking for a Cure." Or something like that. It seems inevitable.

Now if you'll pardon me...I must fight cancer...single-handedly.

The jokes write themselves!

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Spam Twenty-Two: A Spam to Remember

THIS WEEK’S CHART HAS SOME ADVICE FOR YOU, being so kind as to offer up “3 tips to dirty dance into her pants.” Tip #1: Enlarge your cucumber length. After you “think over your cucumber size” and take a few moments to “ask your girls why big cucumber is better than small one,” you will certainly decide it is time to enlarge your cucumber length. Not just your cucumber, but your cucumber length. There is a difference. Tip #2: Enlarge your banana length. This is, apparently, different than your cucumber length. But it too needs to be enlarged. “Your banana is too small,” so enlarge it. After which, you will be happy. Finally, Tip #3: Grow a monster in your pants. One way to do this is to “increase your big daddy size.” Once you have done these three things, you should certainly be able to dirty dance into any lady’s pants.

Now, notes on this week’s spam. First, I’ve begun following some up and coming (pun intended...zing!) Boner Meds, namely LNH Solutions (also known as LNH Maxdik) and MaxGain, as well as the underperforming stalwart WonderCum. One of these may eventually usurp VPXL atop the Boner heap, but it will take quite a push. What with the 175 VPXL emails this week, over a third of the Boner emails. I’ll watch them anyway. Just to see what they do.

This week’s Bank Scam involves the European Sweepstakes Promotion. So get your sweepstakes entries in soon. And new on the Chart is Fake Returned Mail. As if I had actually been trying to send out a bunch of Boner emails myself. A very interesting spam ploy. Very interesting.

Fasten your seatbelts, it’s going to be a bumpy Chart!

SPAM WATCH WEEK TWENTY-TWO
1375 emails
BMS = 38% (down 2%)

((1/1)) -- 517 Boner Medication (175 VPXL, 68 Viagra/Cialis, 20 LNH Solutions/LNH Maxdik, 8 WonderCum, 5 MaxGain)
((2/3)) -- 321 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((3/2)) -- 212 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((4/5)) -- 56 OEM Software
((5/4)) -- 50 Buy Designer Footwear
((6/7)) -- 43 Online Casino
((7/--)) -- 26 Fake Returned Mail
((8/9)) -- 21 Earn Your Degree
((9/6)) -- 20 We Will Approve Your Loan/Debt Relief
((10/11)) -- 19 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Phentermine/Hoodia)
((11/17)) -- 17 Stop Smoking
((12/12)) -- 15 Improve Your Health
((13/15)) -- 11 Pheromones
((14/8)) -- 10 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((14/18)) -- 10 Human Growth Hormone
((16/14)) -- 9 Foreign Gibberish
((17/10)) -- 8 Validate Your Identity (3 Comerica, 3 BofA)
((17/13)) -- 8 Would You Like to Chat & See My Pics?
((18/15)) -- 1 Bank Scam
((18/--)) -- 1 Job Offer/Employee Search

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Spam Twenty-One: Bringing Down The House

SPRING IS REALLY HERE NOW. Can you feel it? And with spring comes changes. For instance, apparently, Russian Women no longer want to meet me. For a few weeks there, it seemed my popularity in the former Soviet Union was soaring, but now, rather suddenly, I receive no more correspondence from these ladies. Also missing now that spring is here is Sex Related Zip Files. Since Week Sixteen, the Zip Files have been a staple on the chart. This week: nothing.

This week’s Bank Scam is a Dutch Online Cyber Lotto. Not that lame one, but the really famous one that everyone is talking about. Also, I don’t know what Super Trackstick is, but it’s back (with a single spam) and it “knows everywhere [I’ve] been.” Which seems more of a threat than a comfort.

But I guess I should relax. It’s spring, and as I read in a recent email: “At Spring, girls put on their boobs and legs. Don’t miss your chance! Simon says love your now, now!” Sage advice.

Nobody puts Chart in a corner!

SPAM WATCH WEEK TWENTY-ONE
1220 emails
BMS = 40% (up 11%)

((1/1)) -- 484 Boner Medication (179 VPXL, 29 Viagra/Cialis)
((2/3)) -- 248 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((3/2)) -- 230 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((4/7)) -- 44 Buy Designer Footwear
((5/10)) -- 38 OEM Software
((6/4)) -- 37 We Will Approve Your Loan/Debt Relief
((7/5)) -- 28 Online Casino
((8/9)) -- 27 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((9/8)) -- 24 Earn Your Degree
((10/12)) -- 20 Validate Your Identity (7 M&T Bank, 5 Wachovia)
((11/15)) -- 10 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Phentermine/Hoodia)
((12/--)) -- 8 Improve Your Health
((13/13)) -- 7 Would You Like to Chat & See My Pics?
((14/17)) -- 4 Foreign Gibberish
((15/--)) -- 3 Pheromones
((15/17)) -- 3 Bank Scam
((17/19)) -- 2 Stop Smoking
((18/16)) -- 1 Bigger/Better Boobs
((18/--)) -- 1 Human Growth Hormone
((18/--)) -- 1 Super Trackstick GPS

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Spam Twenty: ThunderChart

I CAN PROMISE YOU ONE THING: your “erection will be mush harder.” Mush, mush harder. How do I know this? Well, “Once I increased my main muscle, girls in the streets started giving me the big eye.” Yes, the big eye. Oh man, I love it when the girls give me the big eye. Like one eye is normal, and the other suddenly becomes a squid eye. So sexy.

How did this come about? Well, I started using a product. “More than 700000 thousands of men have used this product and they are happy.” And how could seven hundred thousand-thousands men be wrong? They couldn’t be.

Bank Scam is back on the Chart, most notably with an offer from the South African Football Lottery. You know, that famous lottery? Based on South African Football? Certainly you’ve heard of it before, yes? No? Really?

What a welcome sight to see Bigger/Better Boobs on the Chart for the first time in 2008! It saddens me to think of a year that has been so Boob-free. We can only hope Personal Pussy will rebound in the same way.

There is no Dana, there is only Chart!

SPAM WATCH WEEK TWENTY
1261 emails
BMS = 29% (down 5%)

((1/1)) -- 366 Boner Medication (151 VPXL, 26 Viagra/Cialis)
((2/2)) -- 307 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((3/3)) -- 170 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((4/6)) -- 90 We Will Approve Your Loan/Debt Relief
((5/4)) -- 87 Online Casino
((6/10)) -- 54 Stock News
((7/8)) -- 49 Buy Designer Footwear
((8/7)) -- 28 Earn Your Degree
((9/9)) -- 26 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((10/5)) -- 24 OEM Software
((11/13)) -- 18 Some Sex Related Zip File Attached
((12/12)) -- 12 Validate Your Identity (6 Wachovia, 3 Bancorp South)
((13/15)) -- 8 Would You Like to Chat & See My Pics?
((14/--)) -- 7 Happy April Fools!
((15/17)) -- 5 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Phentermine/Hoodia)
((16/--)) -- 3 Bigger/Better Boobs
((17/--)) -- 2 Bank Scam
((17/19)) -- 2 Foreign Gibberish
((19/--)) -- 1 Fashion at Discount Rates
((19/18)) -- 1 Stop Smoking
((19/19)) -- 1 Job Offer/Employee Search

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Friday, April 4, 2008

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Spam Nineteen: The Average Age of a Spam in Vietnam

THE CHART WANTS YOU TO REMEMBER that you need to “show her who wears the pants” with your “guaranteed gigantic boner.” It’s not just a gigantic boner. It’s guaranteed.

Stock News catapulted itself back onto the Chart, re-emerging at #10 after only a single spam in the last two months. Porn, in general, showed very strong this week with two new debuts, Download & Watch Celebrity Porn and Russian Women Want to Meet You, in the #11 and #14 spots, respectively.

One has to wonder what the steady decline of Foreign Gibberish means. In the early weeks of the Chart, it was a regular feature of the Top Five. In fact, in Week Six, it rose high enough to hold the #2 spot. Since that time, Gibberish has declined. I can only assume it is a sign of American ascension in the global economy.

It’s a happy union! Approve Your Loan and Good Bye to Debt officially tied the knot this week, becoming We Will Approve Your Loan/Debt Relief. They are registered at Macy’s and Crate & Barrel.

Also worth noting this week, the single occurrence of MegaDick. Too small to call it a comeback, but still notable since I declared it dead five weeks ago. We'll see if MegaDick continues to fight irreversible shrinkage.

The Chart abides!

SPAM WATCH WEEK NINETEEN
1375 emails
BMS = 34% (unchanged)

((1/1)) -- 467 Boner Medication (149 VPXL, 40 Viagra/Cialis, 1 MegaDick)
((2/2)) -- 320 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((3/3)) -- 227 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((4/4)) -- 74 Online Casino
((5/6)) -- 59 OEM Software
((6/5)) -- 43 We Will Approve Your Loan/Debt Relief
((7/9)) -- 36 Earn Your Degree
((8/7)) -- 32 Buy Designer Footwear
((9/13)) -- 22 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((10/--)) -- 19 Stock News
((11/--)) -- 14 Download & Watch Celebrity Porn
((12/16)) -- 13 Validate Your Identity (4 Wachovia, 3 HSBC)
((13/8)) -- 12 Some Sex Related Zip File Attached
((14/--)) -- 11 Russian Women Want to Meet You
((15/17)) -- 9 Would You Like to Chat & See My Pics?
((16/15)) -- 5 Improve Your Health
((17/12)) -- 4 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Phentermine/Hoodia)
((18/11)) -- 3 Stop Smoking
((19/20)) -- 2 Job Offer/Employee Search
((19/19)) -- 2 Foreign Gibberish
((21/18)) -- 1 Legal Pot/Big Buddha Bud!

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week