Saturday, November 7, 2009

What Does Freedom Look Like?

FREEDOM LOOKS LIKE THIS!



Well...duh!

If you need more convincing, go here.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Friday, October 30, 2009

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

The Perfect Storm

IF YOU DON'T LIVE IN LOS ANGELES, then maybe you don't know what it's like to live through a rain storm in Los Angeles. This video might help you understand how we react to inclement weather.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Olde Tyme Dating

HERE ARE SOME CLASSIC VIDEO DATING TAPES from the '80s. Please enjoy! Also, for fun, try to pick out the non-serial killer in the montage. (HINT: There is only one.)

Friday, September 18, 2009

Yatta Explained

IF YOU'VE EVER WONDERED what Hiro from "Heroes" was talking about when he yelled, "Yatta!" Then I think this video might help you.

Of course, sometimes the answer only raises more questions.



The lyrics are hilariously positive and include such gems as:

We're doin' great in college!
Made president at our jobs!


And...

Long as we've one leaf on, we're doin' fine!
We're all together, it's a happy time!


And...

I drink water that's tasty! "Alright!"
I get in the sun and feel toasty! "Alright!"
Havin' a belly laugh's fun! "Alright! Alright!"
Try keeping dogs--they're cute! "Alright!"


So true...so true.



{Thanks to my nephew Joe for the links.}

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Great Moments in Advertising

DO YOUR LADYPARTS STANK? (Hint: The answer is always yes!)

The headline asks that age-old question: "Is a wife to blame, if she doesn't know?" What's this ad about? How to cook? How to behave in the sack? How to change the oil? No! Sadly, what is being discussed is the cleanliness of a lady's vagina.



The first paragraph answers the headline with: "Yes! She's decidedly to blame. Because in this age of enlightenment and frankness there's no excuse for ignorance of facts on proper intimate feminine cleanliness which often can mean so much to womanly charm, health and happiness. There's no excuse for ignorance of what to put in her douche."

Wow. the husband's expression says it all. It says, "Something is horribly wrong with your vagina! I'm going back to the office, and my secretary's more hospitable ladyparts! When I get back -- if I get back -- your pleasure-palace better be clean enough to eat off of...not that I'd do that, naturally. Because that is disgusting and barbaric!

Sunday, August 23, 2009

And Now...Throbber!

THERE'S GREAT STUFF ON THE INTERWEBS... and then there's this. It's a parody (?), I guess, of the Michael Jackson "Thriller" video. Only it's mall ladies instead of zombies. There doesn't really seem to be a point here, other than to showcase the awesome comedic acting of the male lead.

Just exactly why it's called "Throbber" I have no idea. And we may never know. Ever. I mean, this video was made in the '80s. That's like a million years ago. All of the people involved are probably dead and buried by now.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Cookie Tree

NO MYSTERY HERE... It's obviously the Keebler cookie tree.



I mean...obviously.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Set Your DVRs!

SEASON 3 KICKS OFF THIS SUNDAY!



But, seriously, don't miss it. Because it's a great show.

Also, go see the other "Truthful TV Title Cards" Glark created here.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Did You Have Your Baby in St. Tropez?

AHH, THE GOOD OLD DAYS! When mothers would cook their babies a little every day.

Monday, August 3, 2009

From the Office of Ben Dover

I FOUND THIS ON BY GOOGLING "NECK PAIN."



I love that someone is suggesting this as a great "office back exercise." Sure, do it in your office. Just don't don't be surprised when your co-workers file reports with HR.

Seriously Though, Yogi Okie Dokie

EVERYONE'S EXPERIENCE IS DIFFERENT. But for me, the discomfort with this video starts with the mom jeans.



{were it not for Nick, I would not be hosting this nightmare}

Saturday, August 1, 2009

How To Improve Old Videos!

THIS SHIT NEVER STOPS BEING FUNNY TO ME.



{thanks to Greg Levine for this one}

But, by far, this one is still my favorite.



With a special place in my heart for this "Creed + crickets = hilarious" video.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Shake Shake Shake!

YOU CANNOT PARODY THIS. Because it is already hilarious.



They decided to forgo the catch phrase, "Jerk the weight off in just six minutes!"

{from Videogum}

Friday, July 24, 2009

The Tragedy of Recurrent Baldness

DO YOU REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME JEREMY PIVEN WENT BALD?



We were all so innocent then!

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Baby Care 101

MANY PEOPLE, EVERY DAY, ASK ME ONE QUESTION: How does one properly dry a baby? This may seem like a weird question, since I do not have a baby (well, at least one that is legally mine), until you realize that I am a well-known baby care expert. I even have a degree (from the University of Phoenix) that says so.

Anyway, drying a baby can be tricky, but here's a handy visual aid to help you remember the do's and do-not-do's of baby drying.



You're welcome.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Where the G Stands for Whaaaa?

THIS REALLY MAKES NO SENSE.



Guinea Pigs aren't big heroes. They're small. So, I guess they're going for irony here and I don't get it? I'm not ruling that out, you understand. Um, it just doesn't seem funny. It sort of reads to me like, "The world needs bigger heroes...like Autobots, for instance. Unfortunately, in this movie all you get are rodents. Sorry! We hope you think they're cute anyway!"

Hmmm.

Yeah. It doesn't quite work for me.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Hair Today

THIS IS NOT RIDICULOUS.


Just so you know.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

The Super Broker Shuffle

IN 1985, THE CHICAGO BEARS WON THE SUPER BOWL. They did it with a combination of teamwork and effort and skill and luck. But everyone knows they only won the Super Bowl that year, because of the song they recorded during the season, "The Super Bowl Shuffle."

The song was hugely popular, climbing all the way to #41 on the Billboard charts and even getting nominated for a Grammy. Seriously. A Grammy. For best Best Rhythm & Blues Vocal Performance—Duo or Group. Amazing. Anyway, it turns out the song and video were much more popular than I knew, because it inspired this imitator -- The Southern Food Brokerage Super Broker Shuffle.

Take it away, nerds!



And in case you are unfamiliar with the song that inspired this. Here it is, in all its glory: The Super Bowl Shuffle.



Special props to Henry Vick for giving me the heads up.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

File Under: Corporate Speak

IN A TRAGIC TURN OF EVENTS LAST NIGHT, a monorail train at Disney World crashed into another monorail train, killing the driver. It's horrible news, which was handled with an appropriate amount of sensitivity, by Mike Griffin, Disney's vice president for public affairs. Oh wait! I meant lack of sensitivity!

"Today we mourn the loss of our fellow cast member," read the statement from Griffin.

Seriously? Cast member?

A man was just killed on your monorail? Do you really have to insist upon using your corporate-decreed euphemism for "employee"? I know, in the make-believe world of your theme park, it is important to refer to employees as cast members. I'm sure you've had meetings and sent out memos about it. I'm sure there have been discussions even about whether or not it should be hyphenated. (Apparently, it should not be.) Managers are probably reprimanded if they say "employee" instead of "cast member".

I mean, seriously. Cast member! In a public statement of mourning!

That's a whole new level of douchebaggery. So congratulations to you Mike Griffin, and also to you Disney World, you guys are awesome!

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Maybe Just Hum It Instead

WOULD YOU ALL PLEASE RISE? As we honor America with this approximation of the national anthem.



And he butchered "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" even worse.

{from Lisanti}

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Watch Where You Put Your Probe Fingers

IT'S KIND OF A PERFECT STORM SITUATION. I mean, any headline that begins "Probe Fingers" is already worth a chuckle. But when you add American Apparel and a picture of underwear. Underwear, AP? Really? Well that, my friends, is genius.



We all had heard how sexual harassment was rampant at American Apparel. But I had no idea that nearly two thousand workers had been subjected to "probe fingers." Glad the government is all over this.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

America's Favorite Cube!

THIS WILL BE MICHAEL BAY'S NEXT BIG MOVIE. Provided he only draws inspiration from crappy Saturday morning cartoons from the '80s.



I think my favorite part about this cartoon is this: When faced with the problem of turning the Rubik's Cube into a "leading man", the designers locked themselves in a room with the promise that they "would not come out until they had come up with a clever way to make an ordinary cube cuddly and adorable." But after five minutes of that nonsense they just decided to slap arms and legs and a face borrowed from a Troll Doll on the cube and call it a weekend. I mean, seriously, what's the fucking point, right?

{Thank you, Topless Robot.}

Monday, June 29, 2009

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Cool Bands Made Un-Cool

YESTERDAY, SOMEONE STARTED AN AWESOME THREAD on Twitter called "cool bands made un-cool." And it involved making slight changes to bands names. I have compiled my favorites below. Some are mine. Others are from David Iserson, Mark Lisanti, John Moe, Matt Fraction, Dave Holmes, Steve Agee and someone known as Seantroversy.

Not included in the list below are two bands -- Kansas and Bread -- whose names were deemed already so deeply uncool, there was nothing you could do to make them more uncool.

Here it is (in no particular order):

Emerson, Lake & Palm Pilot

Supertrump

Radioneck

Rodeohead

The Beatless

Goodfinger

The Less Than Average White Band

Peter’s Baby Bjorn & John

Electric Blanket Orchestra

Mike, The Mechanic

Fountains of Wayne Rogers

Fountains of Dwayne Wayne

The Stationary Wilburys

Metallic A

R.E.M. Speedwagon

Los Hobos

Some Doubt

Available Cab for Cutie

Expensive Trick

We Are Economists

Cat Lady Power

Bob Jovi

Food Fighters

Flu Fighters

Carving Pumpkins

Method Guy & Red Gentleman

Dinosaur Sr.

Ironing & Whining

Some Old Pornographers

Yeastie Boys

Harvey Cautious

Dennis Franz Ferdinand

The Whom

The When

Pear Jam

50 Scent

Walk DMC

Wilcompany

Fire-Retardant Lips

And You Will Know Us By The "Cathy" Tacked To Our Cubicle Wall

Guided by Good Choices

The Damones

Braggy Mouse

Cannibal Copse

Megabeth

Motortoes

Mauve Floyd

Ironing Maiden

Craftwork

Fleetwood PC

Kings of Leon Pannetta

Yo Tengo Acne Horible

Teenage Dr. Who Fanclub

Tears for Fears of Intimacy

Jefferson Airplane Food

Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders From Morristown, NJ

The Cure for My Pollen Allergy

Big Star Wars Fans

A Suburb Just Outside of Boston

Lizzy, Who Has a Very Pretty Face and a Nice Personality

Garfunkel & Another Guy Also Named Garfunkel

Hot Robot on Robot Action!

MY FAVORITE QUOTES FROM "TRANSFORMERS 2" REVIEWS... I really feel like Michael Bay has the power to unite us as a country and focus us on one task: crafting hilarious quips about his movies. Here's the best so far.

Critics blithely refer to movies as "painful" all the time, but this is the real deal. -- Eugene Novikov, AMCtv.com

Michael Bay has once again transformed garbage into something resembling a film, at least in the loosest sense: it can be run through a projector and used to sell millions of tickets.
--Jeffrey M. Anderson, Combustible Celluloid

So what if he can’t put a coherent series of shots together? Bay’s going for pure sensation, and everyone knows dramatic continuity is for women and the weak. --Ty Burr, Boston Globe

...like listening to rocks in a clothes dryer for 2½ hours. --Michael Phillips, Chicago Tribune

Instead of seeing Transformers, I'm going to pay two tall hobos in toy robot helmets to swing sacks of discarded electronics at each other. --Mark Lisanti, from Twitter

Monday, June 22, 2009

Engelish Onely

OF COURSE, THE OBVIOUS PROBLEM with the "English-only" movement is that most of them can hardly speak the one language they think everyone should speak. And there's no better proof of it than this photo.



Yep, that's Pat Buchanan and some douchey guy who runs a racist website, standing in front of a banner for the new "National Conferenece". Which I suppose is pronounced con-fer-EN-ess-ee. Although there are probably variants.

I Don't Know What This Is

PLEASE LEAVE YOUR EXPLANATIONS in the comments section.



Don't blame me. Blame David.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

The Sentimentalist

FINALLY, A NETWORK TV SHOW ABOUT A QUIRKY DETECTIVE!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Putting the P Into Merchandising

NOT THAT I HAVE HIGH EXPECTATIONS when it comes to Kiss bassist Gene Simmons. This is a guy who is so shameless in his self-promotion that he sells Kiss coffins -- under the name Kiss Kasket, naturally. Also, Kiss Kondoms, Kiss Kamping gear and a Kiss Checkers set.

But as part of the promotion for the A&E series Gene Simmons' Family Jewels, there are urinal cakes out there with Gene's face on them. And they talk when they're hit with a stream of urine. I'm assuming they say something like, "Please stop peeing on my face. It's degrading. Please. I beg of you!"

The cakes are such a hit with fans that many are being stolen from urinals.

Adding a punch line here would seem redundant, right?

Monday, June 15, 2009

Re: Believing, and When to Stop

AND NOW...I WILL MELT YOUR COLD, BLACK HEARTS.

Rather, the kids of PS22 will do it. With a little help from Journey.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

We Destroy What We Love

WHAT GOD WOULD LET THIS HAPPEN? The question isn't "Why are innocent MILFs being pounded?" The question is "Why are the MILFs being pounded with rockets?"



I'm also assuming that by "MILF lairs" they mean "Olive Gardens and Outback Steakhouses."

(via HuffPo)

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

The O.C.'s Finest

WHO ARE THE TWO FUNNIEST PEOPLE in all of Orange County? Sky & Nancy Collins, of course.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Sex Bomb

A TRUE STORY! Police in Syracuse, New York, cleared the Clinton Square area of downtown Syracuse today after discovering a suspicious box left at the base of the park's Civil War monument. Witnesses saw two men leave the box at the monument and walk away. Bomb disposal experts examined it and found it to be harmless, as it turned out to be a metal "Sex and the City" trivia game, very much like this one.



Here are my jokes.

...AFTER FINDING OUT it was just a Sex and the City trivia game, the bomb squad detonated it anyway.
...SAID A SPOKESMAN for the Syracuse police department, "Leaving that game on the monument steps was soooo Samantha!"
...POLICE JUSTIFIED their extreme caution, saying, "When you hear that two men were seen playing a Sex & the City trivia game, it's natural to think that something suspicious is going on."
...IT WAS THE BIGGEST threat to downtown Syracuse since the Hungry Hungry Hippo scare of '72.

What Love Is...

LAST NIGHT ON THE BACHELOR, one of the guys said to the camera, in explanation of where his head was at romance-wise, "Yeah, I am looking for that mythical unicorn."

And, later, the Bachelorette said, rather wistfully as she was totally not into that guy, "I wish I could be that unicorn he is looking for."

So, apparently, this is what love looks like:



In which case, no thank you. I do not want this "love" you speak of.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Nimoy-Tolkien Friday

REGULAR FOLLOWERS OF THIS BLOG KNOW that every Friday, I try to post something that is related to either the career of Leonard Nimoy or the writings of J.R.R. Tolkien. It's just a tradition here at the DrakesCakes.

Well, this Friday is particularly special, because I finally get to marry the two. So, kick off your weekend right with Leonard Nimoy's hit song, "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins."

Thursday, May 28, 2009

A Kentucky Surprise!

WHAT CRITERIA DO I USE TO DECIDE what goes on this blog and what does not? Well, it may surprise you to discover that I actually choose NOT to put some things on here.

It's true.

But this ad just begged for inclusion.



Even if it wasn't for a shooting range. Even if it just had the sexy preggo lady in her underwear and veil. Even then, I think I would have put it up. (Just so I have a companion piece for this post.) But as it is, it's really the perfect storm of awesomeness. It's from Kentucky. It's from an apparently popular bachelor/ette party destination. And it tries to have fun with the concept of "shotgun weddings" by basically saying you can really include a shotgun in your wedding! Or at least in your bachelor/ette party!

Oh fun!

Here's another soothing image from the Open Range web site.



Fuck yeah! You're right! I am about to throw the party of the year! It's a murder party! Oh shit yeah! Please make sure you RSVP, I put a deposit on the room. And those people are real dicks about refunds.

Thank you.

Mustache Rides!

DO YOU THINK YOU INVENTED THE COOLEST THING EVER? Well, you didn't. Because you didn't invent this.



Nice try, but you only get the silver medal in awesomeness.

(from here)

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

It's Telly Wednesday!

IT'S WEDNESDAY, AND THAT MEANS IT'S TIME for Telly Savalas to serenade you.

Trust me. You're not ready for this.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Please Stop Terrorism

BY BUYING THIS GUITAR, you will not only combat terrorism...you will defeat it. With rock. And balls. And tasty riffage. But mostly balls.



It is on eBay. It is called the "9/11 Tribute Guitar." And I don't care what you say, there is nothing tasteless about it.

Thanks to Eric for the heads up.

UPDATE! The inscription on the guitar does not read "Unite to Defeat Terrorism." Instead it says "Unite to DEFAT Terrorism." Genius!

Friday, May 22, 2009

Donuts!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY ABOUT THIS. I mean, seriously. Where do you start?

Thursday, May 21, 2009

As If You Needed a Reason to Put Snails on Your Face

WHAT'S SHOCKING ABOUT THIS STORY isn't that a kid tried to put a bunch of snails on his face. I mean, he's an 11-year-old boy. Of course he's gonna put a bunch of snails on his face. Why not?



No, the shocking thing is that there was actually already a world record for number of snails on the face. Who knew there was a record out there to break. As far as I knew, the current world record for snails on the face was zero. Or maybe one. Nope, the previous record was 36.

I mean, the first guy to put snails on his face had it easy. "There! I've got a snail on my face! Put me in the Guinness book!" But now? Wow, it's gonna take a big face to break that record.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

File Under: Classy!

WHEN NEXT YOU REMODEL YOUR HOME, please keep Jammin' Johns in mind. Their guitar and piano shaped toilet seats are truly "Music to your Rear."



If the site is correct, Steven Spielberg, Willie Nelson and Dolly Parton all have these. Trust me, you haven't lived until you have either pooped in or through a grand piano.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

How Would You Like Your Change Delivered?

THERE ARE MANY POETIC WAYS TO DESCRIBE CHANGE. Being carried in on the wings of eagles. Cried from the eyes of a thousand unicorns. Pooped into the diaper of a child called America.

Sure, we've seen those images used again and again. But no one knows quality imagery quite like the Republican party, who continue to cling to teabagging as a form of justice and a catalyst of change.



Yes! It is a wonderful thing! Lady Liberty knows a good teabagging when she receives one!

Monday, May 18, 2009

The Age-Old Question

I FOUND THIS ON THE FRONT PAGE of the international edition of The New York Times not too long ago.



Wow, the outlook must be grim for Liverpool if they're trying to invoke a deus ex machina scheme like building a dinosaur. Maybe you guys should just stick to soccer? Branching out into science seems like an ill-advised sports strategy.

Also, it's probably against the rules to unleash a dinosaur on your opponents. (I know for a fact that you cannot do that in baseball or hockey.) And, of course, don't forget that once you do that, there's no guarantee that your dinosaur will only work for your benefit. Chances are some of your players will be eaten by this dinosaur.

I guess what I'm saying, Liverpool, is this: think this through before you make a rash decision.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Oh No! CalBird Are Breaking Up!

SHOCKING NEWS IN THE SPORTS WORLD! Jockey Calvin Borel announced that, for the Preakness, he will not be riding Mine That Bird, the 50-1 shot that he rode to victory in the Kentucky Derby. Here's hoping Borel is planning to just run the race himself. I for one believe it is well past time that someone in that tired old sport broke the species barrier. To think that only a pony can win those contests is literally racist.

When Did You Say?

ADVERTISERS ARE ALWAYS CREATING PROBLEMS SO THEY CAN SOLVE THEM. In the case of the following product, the advertisers in question have created a question that has never been asked, just so they can answer it with their product. The question:

When would I use something called "My Inside Cleaner"?



The answer, which seems so obvious in retrospect, is: when stinks. Of course! It's all so clear to me now!

Thank you, Engrish.com. Thank you, very much.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

This Just In!

PFIZER JUST ANNOUNCED that it will give away Viagra for up to a year to people who have lost jobs since Jan. 1 and have been taking the drug for three months or more. Said a Pfizer spokesman, "Just because you're hard-up for a job doesn't mean you can't be hard."

Hey-oh!

Me + Amazon = Not BFF

DEAR AMAZON.COM, YOU ARE MISTAKEN. My love of Seinfeld does not mean I also love Designing Women.



Yes, I have bought a TV show on DVD before. But this does not mean that I will then buy any TV show on DVD. I am not just a fan of TV in DVD form. It actually matters to me what kind of TV show might be contained on the DVD. I know this is a surprise to you. As you seem to think that since I have bought a book before, I would maybe like to buy another book. You know, just any old book.

So, try again Amazon. I'm sure when Two & a Half Men comes out on DVD you'll send me another email. Spoiler Alert: I don't want it.

What Ya Gonna Do With All That Junk?

YEAH, WELL...THIS ISN'T COMFORTING.



So if you were trying to help me sleep better at night NASA, you failed.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

File Under: The Truth!

I MUST DEBUNK THIS URBAN LEGEND!

If you stare in a mirror in a darkened room and say "Trapper Keeper" thirteen times in quick succession, you will NOT actually make a Trapper Keeper appear.

Sorry.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Koo Koo Ka Choo!

FOR THE FIRST 23 SECONDS OF THIS VIDEO, you might think, So what. Big deal. So it's the video for Gerry Rafferty's AM radio hit "Baker Street." What's so great about that? And then the 24th second hits, and you're like, Holy shit! My life just changed! And even though it's a simple gag, it's still funny every time it happens in the video.


Who knew the walrus was Gerry?

Monday, May 11, 2009

It's All About Priorities

I CAME ACROSS THIS LITTLE NUGGET on the sports site Deadspin this morning. Seems like there's a stripper from Baltimore who is claiming she and a fellow stripper had a threesome with Olympic champion.



I guess swimming isn't the only thing he's a gold-medalist at! Hey-oh!

Anyway, the most entertaining tidbit of the story to me wasn't that Phelps brought home strippers from a strip club, it was this claim by the woman in question:

"...he invited her and a few friends back to his house for drinks and online poker."

Not, "come back to my place for drinks and a game of poker," but "come back to my place to watch me play poker on my computer."

Interesting.

Well, I guess there's another pickup line that only works if you have won 16 gold medals.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Put a Song in Your Step!

I'M CURRENTLY LOOKING FOR INVESTORS for my newest invention. I call them BirdSocks!

No no no, they aren't socks for birds. That would be stupid. They are socks made from birds.

Here is a picture of my wearing the prototype:



Feel free to leave your money in the comments section.

Thank you.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Happiness is a Warm Gun

ARE YOU FEELING A DEEP EMPTINESS IN YOUR SOUL? Is there an itch in your psyche that you cannot scratch? If you are like most of us, you probably said yes to both of these questions. The answer, of course, is to buy something.

"But what?" you might shout at your computer screen. "What can I buy, Jeff? These InterWebs are filled with things to buy! Should I buy porn? Shoes? Dietary fiber? A Teddy Ruxpin? The Criterion Collection release of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button?"

The answers would normally be, respectively "of course", "why not", "yes", "maybe" and "are you fucking kidding me?" But in this case, the overall answer is "NO."

If you really examined that emptiness you feel inside, I think you would find it was gun-shaped. It might, in fact, be shaped exactly like this gun:



Yes. What you are missing is the Condiment Gun. I'm sorry to inform you that you cannot buy this if you are in the United States (where non-condiment or "bullet" guns are readily available) but you can buy it if you're in the UK (where real guns are restricted). Isn't that a weird quirk? Hmmm.

Anyway, try to get one if you can just so you can re-enact this scene with your friends!



Because there's nothing gay about that.

Nothing at all.

UPDATE: I forgot to mention the most puzzling part of the description of the Condiment Gun, which is this phrase: "Bang Bang, you're red (or BROWN or yellow)." Brown? I can only hope that's gravy coming out of the gun. Oh dear lord, please tell me it's gravy!!!

Monday, May 4, 2009

Now in 3-D!!

YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW WHO THIS MAN IS. You only need to know that his eyebrows cannot be stopped.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Their Flippers Feel So Slippery!

SO YOU GUYS NEVER ANSWERED MY EVITE... Are you or aren't you going to come to my animal rave? It's BYOSP...bring your own seal pacifier.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Babies Do the Most Disturbing Things

THE BEST PART OF THIS, other than the part that will give me nightmares, is that the father doesn't know the baby is totally making fun of him. It's the baby version of "blah blah blah blah blah."



Wait. I just watched it again. I think everyone is mistaken. The baby's not preaching. He's imitating Hitler.

Well, whichever it is, it sure isn't comforting.

Balls!

NEEDLESS TO SAY, I want to go to there!

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Space Blob!



DON'T FREAK OUT, EVERYBODY. It's just Bruce Vilanch Oh yeah! I totally just snapped Bruce Vilanch! With a fat joke! Super classy!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Hunger Strike!

BUT HOW EFFECTIVE WILL IT REALLY BE when the hunger strike is initiated by someone who kinda always looks hungry? Maybe I'm over-analyzing.

UPDATE: Maybe the punchline I'm searching for is: Isn't every day "hunger strike day" for Mia Farrow?

Twitter Must Be Destroyed!

I GUESS IT'S NOT MAUREEN DOWD'S JOB to be on the cutting edge of technology. The New York Times columnist, according to Wikipedia (the world's most accurate site), writes about politics mostly in columns that "display a critical and irreverent attitude" and she uses an "acerbic, often polemical writing style."

All of that was totally on display in yesterday's Op-Ed piece about Twitter, in which Dowd finally took Twitter down a peg, as if anyone but her really felt it needed that. "I was here on a simple quest," Dowd wrote, "curious to know if the inventors of Twitter were as annoying as their invention." It was some real hard-nosed journalism, in which she asked Twitters founders to "justify themselves."

Now, I'm sure that she was going for some sort of humor with this piece. Or at least I hope that she was. Otherwise, she was just being a dick to the Twitter founders for no good reason. And the two founders read her open hostility toward their lark of an invention -- that is probably way more of a household name than, let's say, "Maureen Dowd" -- and their dislike of her is clear to everyone reading the piece. Everyone but Dowd herself, who finds both of the men "charming" and doesn't notice that one of the men only curtly answers one of her questions before leaving.

Every question she asks them is basically, "So, Twitter is stupid and annoying, even you know that, right?" Or maybe it's, "Why did you fart in the elevator and leave?" Or maybe it's even, "You gave the world AIDS, how can you live with yourselves?"

Look, I'm on Twitter, and my point is NOT that Twitter is the most amazing invention ever. Far from that. Twitter is whatever it is, which is mostly just another entertaining distraction on the web. It's not a threat to our society. It's not a sign of the downfall of man. It's just a dumb website that people enjoy. Mostly younger people. People younger than me. People much younger than Dowd.

Oh shit, I totally snapped Maureen Dowd by calling her old!

And her railing on and on about "how awful Twitter is" reads like a modern version of "Why aren't there Victrolas anymore? I miss the Charleston! And I thought I told you kids to stop playing stickball on my lawn!"

Yes, Maureen, Twitter is frivolous. But who cares if it is?

I can't wait until she writes a scathing column about how gum is terrible because it isn't food. "What's the point? You chew and chew and...THEN WHAT? I'll ask the inventors of gum to apologize to civilization for making what they made instead of making food."

Way to go, print media! Way to decisively prove your relevance!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

An American Dream

FOR NO APPARENT REASON, last night I had an American Idol dream. It was not similar to my wife's yearly American Idol dream, in which she is a participant. I was just watching the show. So, on that note alone, nice work, imagination. Way to really run free. In my dreams, I get to do things I ordinarily do anyway! Jealous much? I thought you might be.

Anyhoward, so in my dream I was watching American Idol and this contestant, who was about 6-foot-8, was about to do a song. Very quickly, the show reminded us of his previous performance, which was a little country ditty. They showed the footage of it. He had a big ol' acoustic guitar on and was flanked (for no good reason) by two attractive country-attired ladies. They did not provide background vocals and did not dance. They just hung there on his arms, like the sleeves of a jacket.

The show played just a short piece of this lame country song he sang, before we went to the new performance. The Giant Potential Idol (GPI) walked out on stage to very '80s sounding synth-pop. And once he was at center stage, he started doing The Robot. He was not good at doing The Robot, but he seemed very pleased with himself to be doing it. The song he danced and sang to was a medley, and I wish to Elvis above that I could remember what songs he quickly cycled through. Because they did not go together in the least. But there were three or four songs he sang -- and Robot-ed to -- before he landed on the main course.

First, GPI stopped doing the Robot to get the audience up on their feet and clapping and shouting. This, to almost no musical backing at all. The audience happily complied. They were eating this shit up. And I mean shit. He was horrible. But the audience was going crazy. He got them rhythmically clapping and shouting in a sort of "We Will Rock You" kind of way, and once they had that down, he added his part, a strident screech that he repeated every four beats. I will approximate it here in print since you cannot hear me scream from where you are sitting.

It sounded like, "EeeeYIE-uh-yi-yi-yi-eye-EEEEEE!"

He did that over and over again. And after two or three of them, the audience had their "ah-hah" moment. They recognized what he was doing, what song this was, and they went even crazier. He was singing Peter Gabriel's "Shock The Monkey" and it was a surprise (somehow). And they loved it (also somehow).

Once he started his weird shriek, he resumed his Robot-ics, which continued, with increasing awkwardness, throughout the whole song. His performance was a disaster, but no one in the studio seemed to notice that. They loved the singing. They went crazy every time he did something Robot-y. Everyone was totally won over by the GPI. Excepting of course Simon Cowell.

When the camera finally cut away to Simon, he looked flabbergasted. Or maybe he was gobsmacked. Whatever the case, he was not pleased. And you could totally read it on his face. He hated the performance. He hated the Robot dancing. And he hated that everyone in the studio, excepting him, loved the shit out of it. He looked bewildered. Yeah, that's the word I was looking for! Let's go with that one. Bewildered!

But the best part was that Simon, in the dream, looked just like Mel Gibson. Not Lethal Weapon-era Mel Gibson, but crazy anti-Semite Mel Gibson. The Mel Gibson everyone has found so cuddly and crazy and adorable and horrible of late. But I need to be clear here. It wasn't that Jew-hating Mel was playing the part of Simon (as sometimes happens in dreams). It was that Simon, for reasons my brain did not explain, was disguised as Mel "SugarTits" Gibson. He had a wig on, and a beard, so you could totally tell whom he was emulating, but you could also still tell it was Simon.

Unfortunately, my alarm went off before I could hear Simon/Mel's reaction to the GPI's Robot "Monkey". I'm sure it would have been good.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Beware of Republicans!

ON TAX DAY, THEY'RE PLANNING TO TEABAG YOU! It's pretty awesome.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Caught in the Act!

LOOK OUT, NERDS! Especially in the Pittsburgh area. Google Maps is watching you and your friends do your Live Action Role Playing in the empty lot at 8 Sampsonia Way.



Of all the embarrassing things to get caught doing by the GooglePatrol, this might be my favorite. These two poor bastards never saw it coming. They were just trying to get their chaotic neutral melee on. Whoops! I just made a reference that only D&D players would understand. Who's the nerd now, huh?

The answer is still: those two guys in Pittsburgh.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Perfect For Passover Seder or Easter Brunch

SORRY I HAVEN'T POSTED IN A WHILE, but I've been busy designing my new line of jeans/thongs. I figured, why wear both when you can wear one. It's like the KFC Bowl of casual wear. It's all there in one convenient package!



And the best part about it is that it literally goes with anything.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, "You're welcome, America."

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Our Animal Friends!

SEALS ARE SUCH ASSHOLES!



First they marry all of our Heidi Klums, then they learn the traditional Japanese style of soaking in a hot spring. Way to go, seals.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Blame the Germans...Again

I'M SORRY, EVERYONE. BUT ALSO, YOU'RE WELCOME. Here's a fantastic music video (courtesy of my pal David) from an artist that Wikipedia says this about: "He was voted by the viewers of the German Tabloid TV channel Pro7 as the most annoying personality of 2003 and the second most annoying person in 2004."

Just so you know what you're in for.



Who knew that Austin Powers was still relevant?

Apparently, only the Germans.

Monday, March 23, 2009

I'm Not Trapped In Here With You...

THIS IS MAYBE THE BEST THING since The Shining mash-up.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Tournament Agenda

AFTER WATCHING FOUR DAYS OF NCAA BASKETBALL, I'm wondering if the announcers maybe have some ulterior agenda. The color commentary this year seems a little more off-color than usual. Here are just four examples:
  • I know how much you love a big man with good hands.
  • He will get up in you.
  • He does fill it up though.
  • Banged by Fields from the rear.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

How To Kill Someone

IT'S A VERY SIMPLE PROCESS. All you need is a jeep, an abandoned road, a blow-up doll,a red pickup truck, a machine gun, a skateboard and a bazooka. Oh wait, you also need "some heavy doobies."

Monday, March 16, 2009

Maybe You Want to Rephrase That?

SO, PORN STAR JENNA JAMESON GAVE BIRTH TO TWINS. And that is great news. Seriously.



But here's the thing: If you're a former porn star, you may want to watch what you say regarding the life-changing birth of your children. For instance, you might want to NOT say this:

"I can’t even express the extreme serenity that came over me once I saw my children inside me."

You may want to rephrase that a little.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Weiner News

MAYBE THIS IS ALL FOR THE BEST.



After all, America is just now getting used to its first black president. Maybe it is too soon for us to think about electing a hot dog as mayor.

I mean, I'm ready for it. But I'm not sure the rest of America is.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

File Under: WWJD

THIS MIGHT BE THE GREATEST THING EVER.



Credit where credit is due.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Something Could Save Your Life

IT'S A VERY CONFUSING WEEK at the newsstand. I feel like there's something I should know, but the major news outlets cannot decide what that thing is.



Well, at least they've got it narrowed down. It's like the finale of The Bachelor! Stem cell research and stress are the two sexy ladies the lucky bachelor (America) might end up with...but who will we choose!

Psych! We'll choose one then dump it, then choose the other! But in the long run, we'll end up with neither. Neither stem cell research nor stress will save our lives. Wow, we're such suckers.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Wherein the Shiny is Explained, Part 2

You might want to read Part 1 first, but then again, maybe not. What the hell do I know?

WHEN LAST WE SAW OUR MUSTACHE HERO, he was swinging free of the sinking Mustache Ride, only to end up in the water himself. One would assume that a swashbuckling hero like our Mustache Hero would be able to swim, but that was not the case. Being totally awesome is on his resume, treading water is not.



In a weird coincidence, our Mustache Hero’s lifeless body is found by the Pretty Lady.



It’s a little weird because she finds his body in a forest near Bar Harbor, Maine – the next fall.



Naturally, our Mustache Hero is no different. He is, in fact, allowed through the pearly gates. Which don’t seem so pearly as much as concrete. But I guess if you make it into heaven, it’s poor taste to split hairs like that.



Once there, he celebrates by touching a woman’s hand.



That turns out to be a huge mistake, as it causes his chest to explode in a burst of white light.



Frightened by his luminescent chest, the Ice Princess retreats to space, which is filled with nothing but stars and wind machines.



Meanwhile, back in the graveyard (where the Shrouded Woman with the Dire Wolf Penis Bone lives), the Three Witches appear with the Lantern of Additional Punishment.



The main witch decides NOT to scream (for once), apparently knowing that simply shining the Lantern of Additional Punishment will cause a chain reaction in heaven.



Unfortunately, it's not the good kind of chain reaction, like the Keanu Reeves movie of the same name. Instead, it’s a bad chain reaction that explodes the shit out of heaven, further killing our Mustache Hero.



But our Mustache Hero accepts his fiery fate by giving the explosion a big hug. By the way, don’t make the mistake of thinking this is Jesus imagery. Because it’s not. It’s mustache imagery. Which is like Jesus imagery, only like way cooler.



Back on earth, it’s total chaos, as in three things happen at once. An army attacks a castle, Iron Face returns in a ball of fire and the Screaming Witch returns to her screaming ways in time to give the order to blow shit up.



Sure enough, shit blows up.



This wakes up the dragons, who attack the burning castle. Probably because dragons are such assholes and that’s just the sort of thing they do for kicks.



At that point, the Three Witches go out for a joyride in their horse-drawn carriage. You know, why not get a firsthand look at all the shit blowing up and burning? Sure it smells all burn-y and whatnot, but it probably looks pretty awesome. Honestly though, the youngest witch totally thinks this idea is super lame. But she’s out-voted 2-to-1, so what can you do?



Now, the natural order really starts to break down: dragons attack the moon…



Two dogs run into the woods…



The flying skeleton people develop a serious case of fire-mouth…



And, worst of all, the Three Witches suddenly decide to re-open their terrible modern art museum. What's next a Poetry Slam? Seriously, Witches. Your taste in the fine arts leaves a lot to be desired!



To top it all off, Iron Face kidnaps the Pretty Lady, who has passed out, probably from the lack of oxygen. What with everything flammable either blowing up or burning.



Unfortunately, that really makes the alligator angry.



And then the dragons blow up a mountain.



But wait! Just when you thought you got rid of Mustache Hero by killing him and then blowing up heaven – KA-BOOM! – he explodes his way out of being double-dead. What the eff? Oh yeah, it’s totally happening! No one saw it coming, least of all the dragons.



So, the dragons send their angriest dragon to attack our Mustache Hero, forgetting one important fact about him: he’s way beyond awesome.



He’s so awesome he leaps off a cliff to escape the fireball.



And then...um…apparently…um…he has a weird acid flashback or something? Or maybe he looks into a kaleidoscope? Whatever the case...moving on!



Back in the Ice Kingdom, the Normally Screaming Witch has changed into her pilates garb and decided to do a magic fire dance for Iron Face. He’s really put in an awkward position as he just stopped by to alert her that our Mustache Hero has survived dying, heaven exploding and a dragon attack. But now he's like, sheesh, how long is this weird dance going to go on? It’s totally awkward, because they used to date and this makes it completely obvious that she’s hitting on him.



The magic fire dance allows Chris Martin From Coldplay time to get into the Ice Castle, where he punches out a guard.



This gives our Mustache Hero the perfect opening to leap over Iron Face. It seems gratuitous and flashy, but for some reason it works.



In another questionable fight strategy, Chris Martin From Coldplay casually throws his dagger at the Three Witches.



And they just do a dance routine around it, as if to mock his completely ridiculous fight strategy. And they have a point. I mean, why would you throw your only weapon at your opponents when there are three of them? Even if you are lucky enough to hit one of them, there are still two Witches left and now you've got a big fat nothing to fight with.



But we don’t have time to go into that at this point in the video. We’re in the home stretch! Only a minute to go! And besides, someone just dropped a wooden box into a fiery pit! Oh my god! What was in the box? We’ll never know, because it is immediately consumed by fire!



Thank goodness our Mustache Hero is reunited with Chris Martin From Coldplay, That One Guy From The FreeCreditReport.com Ads and somebody’s dad we’ve never seen before. Turns out that last guy is just here to drive the other two guys home. It’s embarrassing, but they live in their dad’s basement.



Meanwhile, near a waterfall in Brazil, the Pretty Lady waits with her Magic Book, the one the Ice Princess gave her two minutes ago.



While she waits there, she remembers the forest where she built Stonehenge by herself. That was a really productive summer. If she makes it out of this crisis alive, she’s totally going to try to get that focused again. Not that she’d build another Stonehenge. That would be stupid. But maybe she’ll scrapbook or something.



Back at the waterfall, our Mustache Hero has arrived, while down below the Pretty Lady watches a tiny version of him in a magic bubble. Sometimes, this is what passes for romance, people. Get used to it.



Later, in Africa, our Mustache Hero and his Pretty Lady are reunited under a Big Tree. It's pretty, but it's still over 100 in the shade.



Normally, they would stay in Africa for a while to go on a safari or something, but there’s no time for that. The people of the kingdom have planned a big costume ball.



After which, the people of the kingdom further celebrate by destroying the orbiting Death Star.



The Pretty Lady is then crowned queen...



In a ceremony only attended by empty suits of armor. This, of course, begs the question: Where is our Mustache Hero?



Fearing the ceremony would be boring (and being totally right about that), our Mustache Hero got on his horse to go take a look at all the shit that got blown up. It’s not the greatest idea, but it’s waaaay better than a boring coronation, right?



Well, this doesn’t sit very well with Queen Pretty Lady and she lets the world know it by staring into the middle distance.



Meanwhile, our Mustache Hero finds his way past the ruins to the port. Where, surprise! The Mustache Ride has been resurrected. Just as you can’t kill the Mustache Hero, you cannot permanently sink his Ride.



Our Mustache Hero kisses his Pretty Lady, who has surprised him by stowing away on The Mustache Ride. She forgives him for ditching her at her own coronation, after all.



It’s a love affair that even the Ice Princess can approve of…even though she is both dead and in space.



Space then explodes. Everything is incredibly volatile here, apparently.



The destruction of the known universe only makes our Mustache Hero and his Pretty Lady hornier. And their kissing gets more and more awkward.



But then – WHOOPS! – surprise ending! Our Mustache Hero has pulled the old switcheroo! Just like in The Prestige! He’s still on the shore watching The Mustache Ride sail away! Oh, snap! Bet you didn't see that coming, huh?

So, what’s the lesson of the story? It’s quite simple really:



Of course that's the lesson! What else could it be?

If you have any further questions (I can't imagine you do, but if so), please leave them in the comments section.

Thank you. And you're welcome.