Would You Like Me To Take Your Picture Again?

I ALREADY TOLD YOU ABOUT MY NEW BUSINESS VENTURE. I posted about it a month ago (for that entry go here), and, I'll be honest, it generated a less-than-spectacular response. Maybe I didn't accurately describe my new business, which is a portrait studio for young couples. Here are the two photos I posted then.



All of my sample photos feature the same creepy Russian couple, Skyenskya and Zeljko. I think they're adorable, even though they will probably give birth to a monster-baby. That's their doctor talking, not me! I didn't just make it up. It is scientific fact. Or scientific speculation anyway. Either way, it's scientific.

I have more photos to share. More photos of Skyenskya and Zeljko that show my expertise as a photographer of young couples.

EXAMPLE #3: WE ARE STILL SEXY!

I think a lot of young couples, especially those who are expecting, go through a period where they don't feel like they're that sexy anymore. They've been married for a little while and they want the world to know that, "Yes, we still totally do it!" It's only natural. Skyenskya and Zeljko are no different from anyone else in that respect. I wanted to show through this photograph that they are still in love, but also they still are super sexy...monster-baby or no monster-baby. Zeljko's naked back is to the camera to give him an air of mystery, and Skyenskya's hand is on her pregnant belly to show her soft side, but also mainly because the monster-baby's horn kept poking through. I think the sepia tone gives the young couple a classic look.

EXAMPLE #4: I'M TALKING TO THE BABY!

Personally, I believe that once a man has impregnated his woman, he shouldn't have to wear a shirt if he doesn't want to. Shirts are for single guys! A married man needs only a wedding ring and a pair of boxer shorts. Everything else is just gilding the lily. Call me old-fashioned, but that's just how I feel. Looking at this photo, you might wonder, "What is Zeljko saying to his baby?" It's a good question. What do fathers say to their yet-to-be-born offspring? Well, I happen to know exactly what Zeljko said, because I was there. He said, "Please, hell-beast, spare my life. Destroy the rest of mankind if you must, but let me live." It's sort of sweet when you think about it.

EXAMPLE #5: WE ARE ONE WITH NATURE!

I think this photo really shows the ideal world of the future Skyenskya and Zeljko imagine. They would, if they had their choice, like to give birth on a bed of stuffed animals out in a field of wildflowers. They said those very words to me. On a bed of stuffed animals, because of how adorable and warm and cuddly they seem, thereby letting their monster-newborn know there are cuddly soft things in this world in the off chance that might soothe his angry, vengeful soul. And in a field of wildflowers, because maybe by the time the monster-baby realized it had been born way out there in the middle of nowhere, they would be in the car and driving away to safety. Maybe then Skyenskya and Zeljko would survive. Of course, Skyenskya will have to remove her jeans for the actual birth. But I had her keep them on for this photo for artistic reasons.

EXAMPLE #6: WE ARE PLAYFUL!

Honestly, I don't know what the fuck is going on in this picture. It's awkward. It's like Skyenskya is about to give everybody a free show while Zeljko's back is turned. The stuffed animals only make it creepier. Seriously, what the fuck?

Would You Like Me To Take Your Picture?

I AM BRANCHING OUT and starting a new business, taking photos of young couples. Portraits, really. Something any young couple would be proud to hang over the fireplace of their home. I have some examples of my work to show you. Sorry that they all feature the same creepy Russian couple.

EXAMPLE #1: WE'RE STARTING A FAMILY!



What I have tried to show with this photo is a sense of history. You'll notice on the wall a wedding photo of the lovely couple. Funny story about that: the wedding was just a couple of weeks before! But really, there's nothing more beautiful than a bride who is eight months pregnant. I had the couple hold up overalls for a three-year-old (a gift from yours truly!), because they had just been informed by their doctor that their child was going to be freakishly big, with a head like a globe and monster hands. The whimsical cars on the knees of his overalls, I thought, would make this monster-baby seem more adorable, and distract from his fangs and spinning eyes. Also, Skyenskya's head is on Zeljko's shoulder and he is kissing her forehead to show everyone, "We did this together. We made a monster-baby together."

EXAMPLE #2: HOORAY FOR BABIES!



I chose blue as the background, because the monster-baby will be a boy...or will have mostly boy parts. Anyway, Zeljko and Skyenskya are excited about it, and I wanted to help them show it through a photo. Here, Zeljko is playfully hiding behind Skyenskya's pregnant belly NOT because he is hiding from the authorities who have come to capture and study their monster-baby. No, that's not the message at all. He's standing (or cowering) behind her as a way to show his support. Also, once they let that monster-baby loose on the world, they'll both be able to stand behind it. The doctors tell me its growth rate will be staggering, even frightening. Trivia time! Those aren't booties for the baby's feet Skyenskya is holding, but hand-knitted horn warmers for the horns little Zeljko Jr. has on his forehead. On the sonogram they sorta look like feet. Horn-feet! On his widdle head! Too cute!

More examples later!