The Super Broker Shuffle

IN 1985, THE CHICAGO BEARS WON THE SUPER BOWL. They did it with a combination of teamwork and effort and skill and luck. But everyone knows they only won the Super Bowl that year, because of the song they recorded during the season, "The Super Bowl Shuffle."

The song was hugely popular, climbing all the way to #41 on the Billboard charts and even getting nominated for a Grammy. Seriously. A Grammy. For best Best Rhythm & Blues Vocal Performance—Duo or Group. Amazing. Anyway, it turns out the song and video were much more popular than I knew, because it inspired this imitator -- The Southern Food Brokerage Super Broker Shuffle.

Take it away, nerds!



And in case you are unfamiliar with the song that inspired this. Here it is, in all its glory: The Super Bowl Shuffle.



Special props to Henry Vick for giving me the heads up.

Maybe You Want to Rephrase That?

SO, PORN STAR JENNA JAMESON GAVE BIRTH TO TWINS. And that is great news. Seriously.



But here's the thing: If you're a former porn star, you may want to watch what you say regarding the life-changing birth of your children. For instance, you might want to NOT say this:

"I can’t even express the extreme serenity that came over me once I saw my children inside me."

You may want to rephrase that a little.

Congratulations, Mississippi!

NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, you'll always have this honor:



No one can take that away from you. And, New Hampshire, your low teen birthrate is embarrassing. Get with the program, nerds! You'll never be popular until you put out!

Good Work, CNN!

THIS JUST IN! THE NAKED COWBOY predicts a landslide victory for John McCain. Who is the Naked Cowboy, you ask? It's that guy who plays guitar in Times Square wearing only a cowboy hat, underwear and boots. In other words, he's a savvy political pundit with his finger on the pulse of the electorate. And CNN, in their endless quest for substantive news, made sure to interview the Naked Cowboy in Times Square and find out (finally!) what he had to say about this historic election.

"It will be a landslide," the Naked Cowboy said, "McCain." To support his position, he referred to his father in Cincinnati, who is, apparently, wearing seven (count them: SEVEN!) McCain buttons today. That's how enthusiastic his father is for McCain. And that's how enthusiastic the Naked Cowboy is about McCain. Not the the NC is wearing any buttons. (Where would he pin them? Ouch!) But he has plastered his acoustic guitar with McCain/Palin bumper stickers.

Here's his indisputable logic why a landslide victory for McCain is all but assured. "The people that will vote for McCain are people like my father, who are literally at the election booths from 6-10 at night. The people that would vote for Obama might show up. But they're not doing that kind of intensity."

See? Just like everybody else who has been watching this campaign, the Cowboy Sans Culottes has noticed that no one is really that enthusiastic about Obama. Whereas McCain has really energized the electorate in a way no other candidate in recent history has. That's why, according to the Clothing-Optional Cowboy, the numbers are so even between the two candidates. At least according to him. I mean, there aren't really polls that back that up, unless Obama 349, McCain 189 (the current electoral projection) means "even."

But what the fuck do I know about politics? Nothing compared to a guy with his name painted on his ass, right? So, maybe it is an even race right now. Given that's the case, here's the logic behind a McCain landslide. Take it away Nude Guy!

"With the numbers so even, the psychological tendency to go for a sense of security, people will go for McCain."

It sort of makes sense. If you add words to it. And also if you pretend you're retarded.

Well, there's no point in me trashing the guy's political prowess. We'll see who's smarter about politics in a matter of hours.

The Media Is Retarded

WHILE WASTING TIME INSTEAD OF WORKING YESTERDAY, I came across this priceless bit of reportage on the trusty ol' CNN.com website.



And it got me thinking.

What if CNN.com is right? What if an Obama presidency was actually worse for black Americans than if he didn't get elected? I guess that's what CNN.com is really talking about, right? Aren't they just saying, "Take a minute Black America (or BlAmerica) and think about this. Are you really sure you want to vote for a black guy? Haven't things been pretty good for you under a 232-year string of white guys? Aren't you afraid that you'll jinx things by breaking that streak?"

Maybe they're totally right. Maybe this article isn't just a piece of bullshit journalism (who said that? it sure wasn't me!) that gives scholarly, conservative white guys a venue to voice their barely disguised racism. So those white guys can say awesome stuff like this: "So many whites want to be able to say, 'I'm not one of them, those bad whites. ... Hey, I voted for a black guy for president.'"

That's a quote from conservative smart guy Steve Sailer, who posits that some whites who support Obama aren't driven primarily by a desire for change, but instead would cast their votes for Obama as a sort of "White Guilt Repellent." (His words. And also a new fragrance from the makers of Axe!)

As if that's a bad thing.

As if, let's say, it was a bad thing that Jackie Robinson got into major league baseball if you could prove that Branch Rickey only did it because he felt guilty. As if, something as monumental as the first black President would only really "count" if it totally changed race relations forever.

Nope, sorry, none of that's good enough. I guess the ends don't justify the means unless the motivations behind the means justify the ends in the first place. Confused? Don't be! It's simple: Barack Obama getting elected president is only good for BlAmerica if all of the people who voted for him did so for non-racially motivated reasons. Because if even one white person votes for Obama out of "white guilt" then his presidency will "hurt" BlAmericans.

Makes perfect sense.

The Family That Plays Together...

...UM, HEY, SERIOUSLY...LIKE, WHAT THE...? I'm embarrassed by some things that my parents did, as I'm sure we all are, but I think these kids have us all trumped.

They Shut Me Down

WHEN I FIRST MOVED TO LOS ANGELES, I stayed with my good friends Brooke & Charlie, who were kind enough to let me live in their guest room for three weeks while I looked for an apartment. Their place was just a few blocks south of Melrose between Fairfax and La Brea (for those of you familiar with Los A.), and so I would occasionally walk up to Melrose to peruse the weird-ass shops and maybe get a Jamba Juice.

Whenever I would do this, I would invariably walk past Drake's, a porn store that in its front windows would always have the most homo-erotic displays. Somewhere in the boxes of crap I have in our guest room, I have a photo of me in front of Drake's, frowning, a mannequin dressed like a leather daddy behind me.

While surfing the internet recently, I came across this picture on Curbed L.A.:



So, it's the end of an era, I guess. My namesake gay porn store on Melrose has shuttered. If my life were a novel (and I'm 83% certain it is not), this might be a sign of some sort, a metaphor, a portent. Instead, it just means there's one less thing in Los Angeles that connects my name to leather sex wear.

Awkward Timing

WHILE PLAYING SCRABULOUS ON FACEBOOK TODAY, instead of working (of course), a tiny ad popped up on the side of the game board. An ad that both promoted Verizon and AT&T...and The Dark Knight.

I'm pretty sure someone somewhere should maybe pull these ads? Right? Now might not be the best time to hear a voicemail from Heath Ledger, what with his untimely passing just two days ago. Yeah, that's a little awkward and creepy. Even for the Joker.

Oh boy.