Oscar (Knee) Jerk

AFTER READING THE NOMINATIONS THIS MORNING, I wasted no time in predicting my winners...

BEST PICTURE -- Avatar Hollywood loves to congratulate itself. And what better way to do that than to give a Best Picture Oscar to the highest grossing film ever? Does Avatar deserve to be called "Best Picture"? Of course not. But since when is it standard for the actual best film to win?

BEST DIRECTOR -- Kathryn Bigelow Until she won the DGA award, I really thought her ex-husband was going to sweep this statuette up too. But Bigelow wins this year because of two things: Oscar voters love to "do the right thing", even if that means taking nearly a century to finally recognize a female director. And Oscar voters are sexist, by which I mean if The Hurt Locker wasn't a "dude film directed by a lady," Bigelow wouldn't even be mentioned. She had to show she could "direct like a man" before they'd take her seriously.

BEST ACTOR -- Jeff Bridges
BEST ACTRESS -- Sandra Bullock
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS -- Mo'Nique In the acting categories, the early awards really tell the tale.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR -- Christoph Waltz It's sad to think that this will likely be the only award that (easily) the best film of the year will take home on Oscar night. But there is no performance by ANYONE this year as amazing as Waltz's performance.

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE -- Up Pixar wins because...Pixar!

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM -- The White Ribbon Always bet on the Germans.

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY -- The Hurt Locker Inglourious Basterds should win, but for some reason it won't.

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY -- In The Loop It's an upset! People might think Up in the Air will win, but instead this movie that I haven't even seen will! Why do I think that? Mostly because I think Up in the Air is average at best! Hooray!

Let's see how I do.

Please keep in mind that I thought very little about this process, and neither should you. Seriously, don't we have better things to worry about these days?

And, yes, I'm talking about Tough Love and The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love.

I Am Who I Am

THE INTERNET CONTINUES TO BRING ME GIFTS. The latest gift that just keeps on giving is the "face recognition" link at MyHeritage.com. By uploading a picture of yourself, the good programmers at MyHeritage will be more than happy to tell you what famous people they think you look like. I did it twice, with two different pictures, one with more beard than the other. (SIDEBAR: Though the strike is over, the strike beard on my face remains. There is no telling what new protest this beard represents. Honestly, it has a mind of its own. And we're currently not speaking. It's a long story.)

Let's take a look at the first results, from the less beard-y picture.


I will admit that Donny Osmond is not much of a surprise, considering the prodigious size of both of our chompers. It's the lower part of the graphic that is most surprising to me, the six and eight o'clock celebs, Dakota Fanning and Judy Garland, both a 64% match. Making this montage even more hilarious to me is Mr. Nine O'Clock, Burt Reynolds. According to this, if Burt Reynolds and Dakota Fanning had a baby, it would look like me.

And I sort of feel sorry for Justin Timberdoodle who ends up, by association, in the same looks group as Burt and Canadian comedian Colin Mochrie. No slight to Mochrie, he's a funny guy, but neither he nor I is one-tenth as sexy as JT. Even on a good day.

Moving on to the beard-y me. What celebs does that guy look like?


Okay. Sean Hayes and Barry Williams, I can totally see. No real surprise there. However, picturing me as the illegitimate love-child of Kyra Sedgwick and Denzel Washington (however flattered I am by that comparison) does seem to be a stretch. The funniest bit of news on this montage, however, is the six o'clock comparison: Missi Pyle, who was at my wedding. Ultimately, considering the similarly large foreheads and teeth, I suppose I can see the comparison. Although I did feel like I had to apologize to Missi.

I'm not sure what it says about me or Missi that she popped up on the more beard-y photo but not at all on the clean-shaven one.

We Don't Need No Water...

NOTHING MAKES A TRAGEDY SEEM MORE REAL than finding out how it affects celebrities. This is especially the case currently with the wildfires in Southern California. Just look at today's news on IMDB.com, where the top three headlines are wildfire-related. Finally, a famous face has been put on this tragedy. Now, I can properly process this information.

Before it was like, "A bunch of houses burned down." But now it's like, "Holy shit! Tori Spelling's B&B is in danger! How can I help avert this tragedy? Or should I assist the fire, knowing that it will only make for awesome future episodes of Tori & Dean: Inn Love? That is a real dilemma."

In other wildfire/celebrity news, there's this tidbit of Movie Marketing Irony. Billboards for this film are all over fire-devastated Southern California right now.

Yeah, that's a little awkward. Just a little.

But even more awkward than that is this: You just know that there's some creepy exec from that studio who is wracking his brain for a way to turn the wildfires into a "cross-platform marketing opportunity". "It's a slam-dunk, people!" he's saying in a boardroom right now. "Nothing exploitative, of course. But it seems like a natural opportunity for synergy. So keep it classy and tasteful. I want five ideas from each of you on my desk by lunchtime. Now, if you'll excuse me, it's time for my assistant to give me a handjob."