File Under: Godzilla's Next Opponent

I'LL SEE YOUR SNUGGIE, and I'll raise you a nightmare.



This is a product that takes the Snuggie/Slanket selling point of "keeping your hands free" and totally says fuck you to that in favor of letting you shamble around like the orange monster from the Bugs Bunny cartoons.

"Sure, having your arms free is nice...I guess. But look at how comfortable I am lying here on my back and crossing my legs! Take that, Snuggie!"

Of course, what we really need is the video of the guy on the floor trying to get up from his prone position without using his arms. Or even better, the video of the walking/shambling guy tripping and trying to keep himself from landing right on his kisser.

One positive thing about this product is how it serves a demographic totally ignored by both Snuggie and Slanket -- perverts who keep people confined in their basements.

We Destroy What We Love

WHAT GOD WOULD LET THIS HAPPEN? The question isn't "Why are innocent MILFs being pounded?" The question is "Why are the MILFs being pounded with rockets?"



I'm also assuming that by "MILF lairs" they mean "Olive Gardens and Outback Steakhouses."

(via HuffPo)

Something Could Save Your Life

IT'S A VERY CONFUSING WEEK at the newsstand. I feel like there's something I should know, but the major news outlets cannot decide what that thing is.



Well, at least they've got it narrowed down. It's like the finale of The Bachelor! Stem cell research and stress are the two sexy ladies the lucky bachelor (America) might end up with...but who will we choose!

Psych! We'll choose one then dump it, then choose the other! But in the long run, we'll end up with neither. Neither stem cell research nor stress will save our lives. Wow, we're such suckers.

Burrito Baby!

THIS NEWS STORY INSPIRED TWO COMEDY BITS.



COMEDY BIT #1
I have seven questions about this story.
QUESTION #1: If you had a burrito the size of a newborn, why would you throw it away? Wouldn’t you’d throw a burrito party and invite your closest friends to help you eat it? Or better yet, wouldn’t you just eat all of it and then spend the rest of the day in a shame spiral?
QUESTION #2: I am not a father, so I do not know for sure: Are newborns normally wrapped in paper and foil?
QUESTION #3: Or was this particular burrito served in a diaper?
QUESTION #4: Wait. Was the burrito served in an adorable onesie? If so, I think this is a dangerous practice. Even if the burrito place is called Burrito Baby. And even if the burritos are really, really delicious.
QUESTION #5: So, let me get this straight. Enough people at the Wal-Mart agreed that “Yep, that’s a baby in the trash can. It’s definitely not a burrito. I’m 100% certain it’s a baby.” So they called the cops?
QUESTION #6: Or was it a snap decision? Like, “Oh shit! That’s a baby in the trash can! Call the cops right now!” Then before the cops got there, when they realized it was just a big fucking burrito, not a baby at all, they decided, as a group, by taking a blood oath, that they would all just act surprised when the cops discovered it was a burrito and not a baby. They probably even practiced their surprised faces. Because they were embarrassed they didn’t think it through better, that they acted so hastily.
QUESTION #7: I think the person who called this in to the cops has a problem with food and/or might be a cannibal. I realize this isn’t technically a question. But I think the cops should question this person more. And the co-workers at the Wal-Mart should be careful. He/she obviously views food as people and people as food. Shit like that just doesn’t end up well. Is starts with a little nibble, and the next thing you know, you’re putting a baby in a tortilla with some beans and cheese and lettuce and salsa.

COMEDY BIT #2
Confusing babies with burritos is not as unusual as it sounds. Turns out there are nine ways in which newborn babies are ALMOST EXACTLY like burritos.
• They both are warm.
• They both are cuddly.
• They both smell nice.
• They both make you feel good.
• They both come in a variety of sizes.
• They both make you think to yourself “I can’t believe I made this!”
• They both can be bought from street vendors in major cities.
• They both are better when covered with cheese & sauce.
• They both make you think “I could never finish eating this” but then you do it anyway because they’re so delicious.

What Is Ryan Seacrest?

I FOUND THIS LITTLE GEM ON THE ACCESS HOLLYWOOD SITE.


It's just another example of the non-confusing nature of the Interwebs. Like this clickable ad that keeps showing up on the Facebooks.



Which seems to imply that if I'm a fan of the British band Muse I will also then have some sort of knowledge about Bob Dylan. "Do you like cheese? Then take this fun quiz and test your knowledge about dental hygiene now!"

The Interwebs Are Just Like the Phones!

YESTERDAY MORNING, DURING THE NEWS, those braniacs on the local news programs once again proved themselves to be totally hip to technology. Our local NBC affiliate was talking about John McCain's VP choice, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, and how little was known about her. So they brought on their political expert Sherry Bebitch Jeffe, who is a senior scholar at USC, and has taught at Claremont Graduate University, Loyola Marymount University and Pitzer College. She's also a contributing editor for The Los Angeles Times. So she knows a little bit about politics.



She does not, sadly, know much about the Interwebs, as she proved with her opening remarks. She was asked if she knew anything about Gov. Palin, "I went on the web," she said. Already, I was nervous just at the way she said "the web." She said it like I say "fo' shizzle" or "off the heezy." In short, it didn't sound natural.

She continued: "It was very interesting this morning, when it was said to be a possibility, I tried to Google Sarah Palin -- you couldn’t get in. Obviously, everybody in the world was trying to Google Sarah Palin."

You couldn't get in? To Google? Or to the Interwebs?

Either way, I don't really understand what you mean, Ms. Jeffe. Are you sure your computer was attached to the Interwebs? Was it actually a computer? It might have just been a typewriter sitting next to a TV. Which would explain why you couldn't "get in" to the Googles.

As a side note, I had no trouble getting in to the Googles that very same morning.

But maybe my Googles are fancier than her Googles.

Stop the Suffering!

Well? Are you?

Magazines Are Awesome!

STOP ARGUING EVERYBODY! Newsweek magazine is finally settling the argument that's been dividing the nation for the last several years. Is it the war and whether or not we should be in Iraq in the first place? No.

Is it about the increasing chasm between rich and poor in this country? No.

Is it gay marriage? Well, even though the cover looks like it could be about gay marriage, the answer is still no.

It is even more important than any of those. Newsweek finally stepped up to address the Lincoln-Darwin question. The question of who matters more.

Hmm. Um. What?

Thank god they waited until a special double issue to put this one on the cover. And good thing Newsweek isn't inadvertently proving that the print media is becoming increasingly irrelevant and that weekly magazines can still appeal to young people.

Yeah, kids, try to find an article about Lincoln and Darwin on those Internets. Just try it.

Pulling A Train

A FRIEND OF A FRIEND OF A FRIEND sent this unbelievable link to a photo on Flickr, under the heading "Best Thing EVER. Discuss." It's not so much a photo, as a screen grab from Craigslist. Spoiler alert! If you follow the link, this is what you'll find.


Okay, I feel like I need to break this shit down into its component parts.

Let me begin with the first photo: that of a very complicated train set. Okay. So far so good. Picture #2...whoops! Naked middle aged guy! Wow, what the fuck?

"Want age 25-70 guy to come over and jo in my model train room."
The first time I read this I thought "jo in" was supposed to be "join", like he had accidentally typed a space in the middle of the word. I have never been so sad to be wrong in my life. All right, so this guy wants another guy from his mid-20s to early 70s to come over and jack off in his model train room. Whatever, different shit gets different people off. My question is the age range. 25-70? That is sooooo inspecific. But I guess that's necessary, considering the task at hand: Wanting someone who totally wants to jack off to model trains. Okay, moving on.

"mutual touching and stuff but nothing more than that...I'm not gay"
Of course you're not gay. What's gay about jacking off over trains. Nothing, that's what. That said...what EXACTLY does this guy mean by "stuff." Also, mutual touching seems a little gay to me. Then again, I'm not really on board with the wanking over trains idea, so obviously I'm not the target audience.

"I'm not gay"
Wait...I changed my mind. Yes you are.

"It's all HO scale."
This is important, motherfuckers. Coz everybody knows N and Z scale aren't fuckin' sexy at all! Let's be serious. Like you can get a boner from that tiny-ass shit. Maybe you can if you're gay. But like the man said, he's not gay, so stop asking him to blow you.

"then after you finish you can stomp around and kick the trains and buildings like a monster"
Here's where we kick this ad up to the next level. This is what I suppose falls under the category of "value added." Not only do you get to jack off with a weird 48-year-old guy in his model train room, but now you get to pretend you're a monster too! Stomping AND kicking? Fuck yeah! My two favorite things (after jacking off in a train room.) Awesome! Nothing better after a wank than playing Godzilla, right?

"(don't break they are my sons)"
Now, my wife and I have a disagreement about this. My wife thinks the guy is saying that the trains are like his children. Whereas I believe that the trains belong to his son. If I am right, then there's going to be a really sad kid who finds this post on Craigslist and realizes that his dad's been spanking it to his prized trains. "Seriously, dad, get your own fucking trains if you want to bring random guys over for a circle jerk. On second thought, you can just keep these. Also, never speak to me again."

"we can do this until 4 am or until we get tired"
So, listen up, prospective train wanker, the expectation is that you will wank and stomp and kick for many hours. Even though this guy is pushing 50, he can do this shit until the wee hours. He's obviously done this till 4 am before. No problem. But if you get tired before then, that's okay. Don't think he won't be disappointed in you, though. 'Cause he will be.

"also..."
Wait...there's more?

"i have lots of imitation crab meat in my freezer that i need to get rid of so you can have a bunch when you leave."
A parting gift? And it's not even REAL crab meat? And wait, why did you say "get rid of"? Was it used in a crime? And what do you mean by "bunch"? Are you just going to have your "guests" grab handfuls of fake crab? Somehow, at this point in the ad, that wouldn't surprise me at all.

"its all perfectly good"
Why do you feel the need to reassure everyone about the imitation crab meat? Why would someone even be suspicious of the quality of the imitation crab meat they get from a guy they just jacked off with in his train room? If you can't trust a guy you just jacked off with (not to mention the stomping around like a monster afterwards), who can you trust?

"we just got too much!!!"
We? Um...you're not gay, or at least you say you aren't. So the "we" must imply a wife? Oh dear, now I'm the saddest I've been all day. Maybe looking at this guy's picture will cheer me up...oh no. No it doesn't. Sadder now. Ever sadder.

UPDATE: The j.o. mystery is solved here.

Your New Favorite Bear

SOMEONE HAD TO INVENT HIM. It wasn't me. But I sort of wish it had been.



Click for a larger image, and also so you can read the even more confusing small print.

You're welcome, America.

Wait, This Is Illegal Now?