A Message to Immigrants

I THINK THIS ABOUT SUMS IT UP.

Weiner News

MAYBE THIS IS ALL FOR THE BEST.



After all, America is just now getting used to its first black president. Maybe it is too soon for us to think about electing a hot dog as mayor.

I mean, I'm ready for it. But I'm not sure the rest of America is.

Good-Bye, Bush!

IN CASE YOU MISSED PRESIDENT BUSH'S FAREWELL SPEECH, I have transcribed it below for your convenience. You're welcome.

First of all, I’d like to say I’m still the Decider. You didn’t vote me out. I decidered to go. So there. History will prove that’s how it happened. Just wait. You’ll see.

Now that we got that out of the way, how’s everybody doing? Is it warm enough in here? Good, good. Please take advantage of the taco bar. That came outta my pocket. I mean, the tacos didn’t. Heh-heh. That’d be weird. No. I paid for the taco bar. Because I care. I’m compassionate. Also, because I like tacos. Have you tried that taco that’s wrapped in another taco? That’s American ingenuity! You don’t see one of those things in Iraq. Or Canada. You can only get something like that in a free country.

And that’s what I’m talking about today. America is a free country. Full of freedoms. All kinds of freedoms. Big freedoms. Little freedoms. Freedoms that you don’t even know you have until someone tries to take ‘em away. Sneaky freedoms, I call ‘em. But you all still have your freedoms because of what I did. No. You don’t have to thank me. I did it because it’s something that I’m good at. I decided to protect your freedoms. And all those things I DECIDED to do helped you have at least one freedom. In some cases, lots of freedoms. And freedoms may not be free, but they come with rewards.

What kind of rewards? Well, check under your seats. That’s right, you all get a car! You get a car! And you get a car! And you get a car! Heh-heh. I love that one. I guess what I’ll miss the most about not being the President any more is watching that Oper show everyday in my pajamas. She’s so wise. I guess that’s why she married that Barack HUSSEIN fella.

What? That’s a different lady? My bad. I have trouble tellin’ those folks apart. Whoa! Take it easy! Now, now, don’t get all upset. By “those folks” I mean “celebrities.” Like Brad Pitt or Jay Leno or Batman. Not regular folks like you and me. Sure, I’m just a regular guy. I helicopter into work just like everybody else. My butler puts my pants on both legs at a time just like regular folks do…in my silver-plated pants closet. I like it in there. It’s so quiet. And it echoes real nice. I do karaoke in there sometimes with Condi. “Islands in the Stream”, “Paradise by the Dashboard Light”, “Ebony & Ivory”, yeah, we got a lot of favorites.

Where was I?

Oh right, Hot Pockets! You all get Hot Pockets today. Just show your press pass to the Marines at the door and they’ll hand you your complimentary Hot Pockets. Please, though, only one per person. I’m not made of Hot Pockets. That’d be pretty cool though, wouldn’t it? If I were a giant Hot Pocket? Kids would really love me then. And everybody would be trying to get a taste of my flaky crust or warm gooey center. Good luck! Not with the Secret Service around, you don’t! They’re sworn to protect President Hot Pocket! Heh-heh.

In conclusion, I was a great president. Also, you’re welcome. It may not seem like I was great, but trust me, I did a great job. And I should know, because I was there. You weren’t, so you don’t know. But there I was, watching me make those decisions and doing those things, and guess what, I did all right. I was probably the best president ever. Heh-heh. But that’s not for me to decide. Or for you to decide. It’s for history to decide. And if history knows what’s good for it, history will tell you I was good.

I'd love to take questions, but you people have always given me the creeps. So instead, I'll just moonwalk out of the room. It's not something I know how to do, but I just decided to do it.

Mission accomplished!

Good Work, CNN!

THIS JUST IN! THE NAKED COWBOY predicts a landslide victory for John McCain. Who is the Naked Cowboy, you ask? It's that guy who plays guitar in Times Square wearing only a cowboy hat, underwear and boots. In other words, he's a savvy political pundit with his finger on the pulse of the electorate. And CNN, in their endless quest for substantive news, made sure to interview the Naked Cowboy in Times Square and find out (finally!) what he had to say about this historic election.

"It will be a landslide," the Naked Cowboy said, "McCain." To support his position, he referred to his father in Cincinnati, who is, apparently, wearing seven (count them: SEVEN!) McCain buttons today. That's how enthusiastic his father is for McCain. And that's how enthusiastic the Naked Cowboy is about McCain. Not the the NC is wearing any buttons. (Where would he pin them? Ouch!) But he has plastered his acoustic guitar with McCain/Palin bumper stickers.

Here's his indisputable logic why a landslide victory for McCain is all but assured. "The people that will vote for McCain are people like my father, who are literally at the election booths from 6-10 at night. The people that would vote for Obama might show up. But they're not doing that kind of intensity."

See? Just like everybody else who has been watching this campaign, the Cowboy Sans Culottes has noticed that no one is really that enthusiastic about Obama. Whereas McCain has really energized the electorate in a way no other candidate in recent history has. That's why, according to the Clothing-Optional Cowboy, the numbers are so even between the two candidates. At least according to him. I mean, there aren't really polls that back that up, unless Obama 349, McCain 189 (the current electoral projection) means "even."

But what the fuck do I know about politics? Nothing compared to a guy with his name painted on his ass, right? So, maybe it is an even race right now. Given that's the case, here's the logic behind a McCain landslide. Take it away Nude Guy!

"With the numbers so even, the psychological tendency to go for a sense of security, people will go for McCain."

It sort of makes sense. If you add words to it. And also if you pretend you're retarded.

Well, there's no point in me trashing the guy's political prowess. We'll see who's smarter about politics in a matter of hours.