To Be Perfectly Honest

I WASN'T ALWAYS A PHARMACIST.

Space Blob!

DON'T FREAK OUT, EVERYBODY. It's just Bruce Vilanch Oh yeah! I totally just snapped Bruce Vilanch! With a fat joke! Super classy!

Unleash Your Inner Polka Star

IT HASN'T BEEN AS POPULAR AS THEY HOPED.

What a Difference a Letter Makes

THANKS TO MY PAL STEVE for giving me the heads up on this beauty. A little police blotter item from the Gaston Gazette from Gaston County, North Carolina.



Oh, news typos! Why do I find you so entertaining? What I love most about this one is the simple displacement of one letter takes the headline from ordinary to hilarious. Just one letter.

It reminds me of when I was managing editor at a weekly newspaper in Kansas City. I had a restaurant reviewer who worked for me who was Asian and he was reviewing a Chinese restaurant. And in the review, he talked about the huge appetizer that he had eaten and how "it was more than enough for our people."

Now, he had simply left off the F of the word "four", just missed the key, I'm sure. But that didn't make it any less funny to me. "Dude," I wanted to say, "these reviews aren't just for your people. They are for everyone. Please try to be more inclusive."

I'll admit. I was tempted to leave it as is, so that it would get printed that way. But at that time I suffered from this condition known as "journalistic integrity."

Thank god we finally found a cure for that!

Give Yourself a Hand

IT'S REFRESHING TO HEAR SOME GOOD NEWS from the world of science. Usually scientists tell us that, for instance, things we hate to eat are really good for us. Or they tell us once again that what we need to do is exercise more.

Again, it's a tired message. It's common sense. And it is also news we are not happy to hear.

Yesterday, however, scientists finally told me something I was pleased to hear.



And while the story says that what masturbation, check that, frequent masturbation does is help prevent prostate cancer. I prefer to think that the activity I will be doing now at least five to seven times a week is curing cancer.

"Don't open the door, honey, I'm curing cancer!"
"Sorry I was late to work, I was curing cancer."
"Wow, that Jessica Alba really makes me want to cure cancer!"

It's a magical, fantastical future! Jacking off is good for you! It's like finding out that playing Xbox prevents tooth decay. Or that donuts help you lose weight.

I predict a variety of T-shirts will soon be available on the Internet Tubes, with the slogan, "Stroking for a Cure." Or something like that. It seems inevitable.

Now if you'll pardon me...I must fight cancer...single-handedly.

The jokes write themselves!

Baked Sandwiches More Ya People!

IT'S BEST NOT TO SAY TOO MUCH UPFRONT. Other than to say it really does get funnier each time I watch it.




"Baked sandwiches more ya people" is the new "Body Massage!"

Hilariously Tasteless

Dick Problems

BIG NEWS FROM WASHINGTON TODAY, Vice-President Dick Cheney was taken to the hospital for an irregular heartbeat. Which is a little confusing, isn't it? I thought you needed a heart for that.

Oh no I didn't!

Oh yes I did.

I just snapped the VP.

Take that, O Dark One!

File Under: Conan

SORT OF A CHEAP JOKE, but pretty funny nonetheless.