Spam Twenty-Five: Black Tuesday

THIS HAS TO BE A BAD SIGN. The spam numbers keep dropping. Certainly the Fed must be looking at this too. I mean, what is Ben Bernanke saying about this in the halls of power? What does this say about the state of the economy, about the strength of the dollar? Also, and I don’t want to startle anyone or cause a panic, but something has happened on the Chart for the very first time ever.

Boner Meds have dropped out of the #1 spot... having been replaced this week by Replica Watches.

I know, it’s disturbing. It’s like the whole world has gone crazy. Black is white, on is off, up is down. Does this mean that fanny packs are in again? That leg warmers are back? That the Soviet Union and Asia (the band) have reformed? That Robin Williams is relevant again? It can’t mean that, can it?

What does it say about our society if mass emailers think we care more about what’s on our wrists than how prodigious our man-staffs are? My cucumber length is still important to me! I still want to grow a monster in my pants! I still desire hoariness on my salmon!

Obviously, we are experiencing a time of turmoil. Overall spam emails have dropped nearly 40% in just three weeks. The BMS reached a new low of 27%. Boner Meds were within 15 emails of dropping to #3 on the chart. Third place? Unthinkable! Even news that I might have won $2.5 million in the Online Cyber Lotto did not soothe my troubled soul. These are scary times, people. Who knows what the future brings?

Until then... Say hello to my little Chart!

SPAM WATCH WEEK TWENTY-FIVE
847 emails
BMS = 27% (down 4%)

((1/2)) -- 242 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((2/1)) -- 233 Boner Medication (34 Viagra/Cialis, 32 MaxGain, 31 VPXL, 8 Megadik, 3 WonderCum, 1 LNH Solutions/LNH Maxdik)
((3/3)) -- 219 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((4/14)) -- 30 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((5/4)) -- 29 OEM Software
((6/5)) -- 12 Buy Designer Footwear
((7/--)) -- 11 Fake Returned Mail
((8/6)) -- 10 Online Casino
((9/16)) -- 10 Foreign Gibberish
((10/17)) -- 8 Validate Your Identity (5 eBay, 2 Chase Online, Merrill Lynch)
((11/10)) -- 7 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Phentermine/Hoodia)
((11/17)) -- 7 Would You Like to Chat & See My Pics?
((13/8)) -- 6 Earn Your Degree
((14/14)) -- 4 Human Growth Hormone
((15/9)) -- 3 We Will Approve Your Loan/Debt Relief
((15/11)) -- 3 Stop Smoking
((15/12)) -- 3 Improve Your Health
((15/13)) -- 3 Pheromones
((15/18)) -- 3 Bank Scam ($2.5 Mil. Online Cyber Lotto, 2 Hong Kong Biz Proposal)
((20/--)) -- 2 Tax Refund From the IRS
((21/--)) -- 1 Live Webcam Girls
((21/--)) -- 1 Your Ads In This Account Are Not Running

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Spam Twenty-Four: Starring Kiefer Sutherland

WE’VE SPRUNG A SPAM LEAK! After a 16% drop in spam traffic last week, overall spam intake dropped another 18% this week. The total spam traffic hasn’t been below 1,000 since early March, and this is the lowest total since February 6! It’s shocking.

Despite that, Boner Meds made a comeback (becoming more turgid by 3%), buoyed by the return of MegaDick. Other than one instance of MegaDick in Week Nineteen, MegaDick has not made this much of an impression on the chart since Week Twelve. The timing is perfect since both LNH Maxdik and WonderCum refuse to make more than a flaccid and shriveled showing.

I feel like I'm taking a risk with all these boner jokes! But then I remember something I read in a spam recently, “Take risks, or you will loose! It is like sport.” Boy, is it ever!

I love the smell of Chart in the morning!

SPAM WATCH WEEK TWENTY-FOUR
948 emails
BMS = 31% (up 3%)

((1/1)) -- 298 Boner Medication (54 Viagra/Cialis, 44 VPXL, 13 MegaDick, 4 LNH Solutions/LNH Maxdik, 2 WonderCum)
((2/2)) -- 232 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((3/3)) -- 146 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((4/6)) -- 74 OEM Software
((5/5)) -- 50 Buy Designer Footwear
((6/4)) -- 46 Online Casino
((7/13)) -- 17 Would You Like to Chat & See My Pics?
((8/8)) -- 12 Validate Your Identity (4 eBay, Santa Cruz Community Credit Union)
((8/14)) -- 12 Foreign Gibberish
((10/7)) -- 11 We Will Approve Your Loan/Debt Relief
((11/9)) -- 9 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((11/9)) -- 9 Improve Your Health
((13/11)) -- 7 Earn Your Degree
((14/12)) -- 6 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Phentermine/Hoodia)
((15/14)) -- 4 Pheromones
((16/14)) -- 3 Stop Smoking
((16/19)) -- 3 Human Growth Hormone
((16/19)) -- 3 Bigger/Better Boobs
((16/--)) -- 3 Fake Returned Mail
((20/17)) -- 2 Job Offer/Employee Search
((21/19)) -- 1 Trackstick GPS

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Spam Twenty-Three: Skidoo!

WOW, WHAT HAPPENED? A drop of over 200 emails! The BMS plummeting 10%! I knew that bullshit tax rebate wasn’t going to help the economy!!

Okay, calm down, everyone. I’m sure everything is fine. Fluctuations in the spam-o-sphere are probably totally normal. But I do get worried about the world’s boners. VPXL this week was less than one-third what it was last week. The newest Boner Med on the block, LNH Solutions, is barely making an impression at all. And MaxGain didn’t even bother to make a single impression this week. What a disappointment!

Side note: According to my colleagues at the Megadik blog, Megadik, VPXL and LNH are just different iterations of the same boner med, which wouldn’t be much of a surprise. If this is indeed true, then I fully expect VPXL to pass the torch to LNH in the coming months. Heh-heh, I said coming. Hooray for boner jokes! Yahtzee!

All right, Mr. DeMille, I’m ready for my Chart!

SPAM WATCH WEEK TWENTY-THREE
1158 emails
BMS = 28% (down 10%)

((1/1)) -- 330 Boner Medication (54 VPXL, 44 Viagra/Cialis, 6 LNH Solutions/LNH Maxdik, 5 WonderCum, 0 MaxGain)
((2/2)) -- 258 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((3/3)) -- 218 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((4/6)) -- 127 Online Casino
((5/5)) -- 55 Buy Designer Footwear
((6/4)) -- 40 OEM Software
((7/9)) -- 33 We Will Approve Your Loan/Debt Relief
((8/17)) -- 15 Validate Your Identity (8 Comerica, 3 PayPal, 2 Wachovia, eBay, BofA)
((9/14)) -- 12 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((9/12)) -- 12 Improve Your Health
((11/8)) -- 11 Earn Your Degree
((12/10)) -- 10 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Phentermine/Hoodia)
((13/17)) -- 8 Would You Like to Chat & See My Pics?
((14/11)) -- 6 Stop Smoking
((14/13)) -- 6 Pheromones
((14/16)) -- 6 Foreign Gibberish
((17/18)) -- 4 Job Offer/Employee Search
((18/18)) -- 2 Bank Scam (UK National Lottery)
((19/14)) -- 1 Human Growth Hormone
((19/--)) -- 1 Some Sex Related Zip File Attached
((19/--)) -- 1 Trackstick GPS
((19/--)) -- 1 Bigger/Better Boobs
((19/--)) -- 1 Webmaster, Sell Your Traffic

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Spam Nineteen: The Average Age of a Spam in Vietnam

THE CHART WANTS YOU TO REMEMBER that you need to “show her who wears the pants” with your “guaranteed gigantic boner.” It’s not just a gigantic boner. It’s guaranteed.

Stock News catapulted itself back onto the Chart, re-emerging at #10 after only a single spam in the last two months. Porn, in general, showed very strong this week with two new debuts, Download & Watch Celebrity Porn and Russian Women Want to Meet You, in the #11 and #14 spots, respectively.

One has to wonder what the steady decline of Foreign Gibberish means. In the early weeks of the Chart, it was a regular feature of the Top Five. In fact, in Week Six, it rose high enough to hold the #2 spot. Since that time, Gibberish has declined. I can only assume it is a sign of American ascension in the global economy.

It’s a happy union! Approve Your Loan and Good Bye to Debt officially tied the knot this week, becoming We Will Approve Your Loan/Debt Relief. They are registered at Macy’s and Crate & Barrel.

Also worth noting this week, the single occurrence of MegaDick. Too small to call it a comeback, but still notable since I declared it dead five weeks ago. We'll see if MegaDick continues to fight irreversible shrinkage.

The Chart abides!

SPAM WATCH WEEK NINETEEN
1375 emails
BMS = 34% (unchanged)

((1/1)) -- 467 Boner Medication (149 VPXL, 40 Viagra/Cialis, 1 MegaDick)
((2/2)) -- 320 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((3/3)) -- 227 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((4/4)) -- 74 Online Casino
((5/6)) -- 59 OEM Software
((6/5)) -- 43 We Will Approve Your Loan/Debt Relief
((7/9)) -- 36 Earn Your Degree
((8/7)) -- 32 Buy Designer Footwear
((9/13)) -- 22 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((10/--)) -- 19 Stock News
((11/--)) -- 14 Download & Watch Celebrity Porn
((12/16)) -- 13 Validate Your Identity (4 Wachovia, 3 HSBC)
((13/8)) -- 12 Some Sex Related Zip File Attached
((14/--)) -- 11 Russian Women Want to Meet You
((15/17)) -- 9 Would You Like to Chat & See My Pics?
((16/15)) -- 5 Improve Your Health
((17/12)) -- 4 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Phentermine/Hoodia)
((18/11)) -- 3 Stop Smoking
((19/20)) -- 2 Job Offer/Employee Search
((19/19)) -- 2 Foreign Gibberish
((21/18)) -- 1 Legal Pot/Big Buddha Bud!

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Spam Fifteen: Electric Spamaloo

HAVE YOU HEARD about "those crazy japaneses girls"? Apparently there's "2 japanese 1 finger." I'm not sure if that's supposed to be sexy or tragic.

While we bid goodbye (apparently forever) to MegaDick, the spam that started it all, we say hello this week to WonderCum. A strong showing of 31 emails for WonderCum, but not really enough to challenge VPXL...yet. We'll wait and see what wonders are in store.

Before we get to the Chart, I want you to know that you can "make women can't keep their hands off you." And also that "the secret to popping more cherries is out now." So don't forget to "upsize your dick today. You and your almighty rod of pleasure."

Make Chart go now!

SPAM WATCH WEEK FIFTEEN
1198 emails
BMS = 33% (down 2%)

((1/1)) -- 399 Boner Medication (82 VPXL, 60 Viagra/Cialis, 31 WonderCum)
((2/2)) -- 259 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((3/4)) -- 81 We Will Approve Your Loan
((4/3)) -- 175 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((5/6)) -- 62 Buy Designer Footwear
((6/8)) -- 42 OEM Software
((7/9)) -- 37 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((8/5)) -- 30 Online Casino
((9/7)) -- 24 Say Goodbye to Debt
((10/18)) -- 14 Earn Your Degree
((11/10)) -- 13 Would You Like to Chat & See My Pics?
((11/15)) -- 13 Validate Your Identity (6 CitiBusiness, 3 Fifth Third Bank)
((13/14)) -- 11 Foreign Gibberish (3 German)
((14/11)) -- 9 Improve Your Health
((15/12)) -- 8 Stop Smoking
((16/13)) -- 7 Weight Loss/Anatrim/Hoodia
((17/17)) -- 5 Pheromones
((18/16)) -- 4 Human Growth Hormone
((19/--)) -- 3 Better Than Flowers or Chocolate
((20/19)) -- 1 Job Offer/Employee Search
((20/--)) -- 1 Download Your Free Cookbook

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Spam Fourteen: The Death of MegaDick

IT'S OFFICIAL: MEGADICK IS GONE. After two consecutive weeks off the chart, I am officially calling an end to MegaDick's Chart tyranny. Goodbye, MegaDick...and good luck. We may be seeing a new champion rise, however, as WonderCum appears to be filling the void. I'll track those emails next week and see what's what.

In five weeks, the spam intake as doubled. Which is a little startling, because as of Week Nine, I was receiving just under a hundred spam emails a day. Now, I'm getting closer to two hundred. And that's a bit much. The big surprise is that while the total emails have doubled, the Boner Meds have stayed at about the same number. Thus, the declining BMS over the last month.

All the ladies in the house say "Chart!"

SPAM WATCH WEEK FOURTEEN
1130 emails
BMS = 35% (up 3%)

((1/1)) -- 391 Boner Medication (85 VPXL, 41 Viagra/Cialis, 0 MegaDick)
((2/2) -- 165 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((3/3)) -- 145 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((4/4)) -- 110 We Will Approve Your Loan
((5/5)) -- 88 Online Casino
((6/6)) -- 41 Buy Shoes
((7/7)) -- 38 Say Goodbye to Debt
((8/9)) -- 35 OEM Software
((9/8)) -- 19 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((10/13)) -- 15 Would You Like to Chat & See My Pics?
((11/19)) -- 12 Improve Your Health
((12/15)) -- 11 Stop Smoking
((13/17)) -- 10 Weight Loss/Anatrim/Hoodia
((14/9)) -- 9 Foreign Gibberish (0 German)
((15/13)) -- 8 Validate Your Identity (4 CitiBusiness, 2 PayPal)
((16/19)) -- 7 Human Growth Hormone
((17/17)) -- 6 Pheromones
((18/12)) -- 5 Earn Your Degree
((19/16)) -- 4 Job Offer/Employee Search
((20/11)) -- 3 Valentine’s Day Related
((20/--)) -- 3 Fake Greeting Card (1 Fake Hallmark Notification)
((22/--)) -- 1 Bank Scam (Hong Kong business project)
((22/--)) -- 1 Something About the Bible
((22/--)) -- 1 IRS Notification of Tax Refund
((22/--)) -- 1 All Kinds of Embroideries!
((22/--)) -- 1 Buy Life Insurance

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Spam Thirteen: The Unluckiest Spam of All!

COULD THE MEGADICK ERA BE OVER? It seems hard to believe, but it might be true. The massive influx of MegaDick was the main reason that I started all this nonsense in the first place. But now, I'm speechless. Despite more than one thousand emails, for the first week EVER, not one single MegaDick email. Not one. In the world of Boner Medication, the torch has now been passed to VPXL, it seems.

And speaking of the world of Boner Medication, I was told three important things this week:
--that my “new schlong will win more prizes”
--that I would be “happy with manpower candy”
--and that there was “Hoariness on the salmon!”
The last of which was a headline leading into otherwise standard boner email chatter. I don’t know what it means, but after reading the email I think only one thing: Yes, I do want hoariness on my salmon.

SPAM WATCH WEEK THIRTEEN
1,071 emails
BMS= 32% (down 8%)

((1/1)) -- 343 Boner Medication (107 VPXL, 41 Viagra/Cialis, 0 MegaDick)
((2/2)) -- 163 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((3/7)) -- 100 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((4/3)) -- 93 We Will Approve Your Loan
((5/5)) -- 82 Online Casino
((6/23)) -- 73 Buy Shoes
((7/4)) -- 41 Say Goodbye to Debt
((8/6)) -- 27 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((9/8)) -- 26 Foreign Gibberish (12 German)
((9/10)) -- 26 OEM Software
((11/15)) -- 19 Valentine’s Day Related
((12/12)) -- 18 Earn Your Degree
((13/23)) -- 13 Would You Like to Chat & See My Pics?
((13/12)) -- 13 Validate Your Identity (6 CitiBusiness, 2 PayPal, 2 eBay)
((15/14)) -- 9 Stop Smoking
((16/15)) -- 7 Job Offer/Employee Search
((17/15)) -- 4 Weight Loss/Anatrim/Hoodia
((17/20)) -- 4 Pheromones
((19/11)) -- 2 Improve Your Health
((19/20)) -- 2 Human Growth Hormone
((19/-)) -- 2 Kill Your Pain With Soma
((19/-)) --2 Save on Auto Insurance
((23/-)) -- 1 Download and Watch the Stupid Britney Video!
((23/-)) -- 1 Order Lipitor Now

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Spam Twelve: The Wrath of VPXL

BIG SHAKEUP IN THE TOP FIVE this week! Canadian/Online Pharmacy continues its rise (from 129 to 208 emails) to threaten the (so far) unchallenged perpetual #1 Boner Meds. It is worth noting that back in Week Six, the Pharmacy emails only totaled 30. My how they’ve grown. Perhaps they’ve been using Manster or Herbal King.

We Will Approve Your Loan and Say Goodbye to Debt (the siamese twins born of Get Out of Debt Free) leapt into the #4 and #5 spots, respectively. The Debt twins, Pharmacy and Online Casino all rode the wave of a record 993 emails (up a gigantic 37% from last week). After a brief refraction period, MegaDick again showed shrinkage to a record low of only 4 emails.

Notable Chart newcomers include Valentine’s Day Related (at #15), Mystery Medicine (#18) and Your Spoose Will Admit This Present (at the bottom of the Chart with a lone email). For fans of embroidery, All Kinds of Embroideries did make a return (albeit a weak one) to the Chart, after a three-week absence.

You can’t shake The Chart!

SPAM WATCH WEEK TWELVE
993 emails
BMS= 40% (down 8%)

((1/1)) -- 393 Boner Medication (113 VPXL, 37 Viagra/Cialis, 4 MegaDick)
((2/2)) -- 208 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((3/8)) -- 60 We Will Approve Your Loan
((4/-)) -- 56 Say Goodbye to Debt
((5/4)) -- 50 Online Casino
((6/5)) -- 44 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((7/3)) -- 32 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((8/7)) -- 24 Foreign Gibberish (14 German)
((9/17)) -- 23 Stock News
((10/6)) -- 16 OEM Software
((11/13)) -- 11 Improve Your Health
((12/10)) -- 10 Earn Your Degree
((12/8)) -- 10 Validate Your Identity (3 eBay, 3 CitiBusiness)
((14/14)) -- 8 Stop Smoking
((15/11)) -- 7 Weight Loss/Anatrim/Hoodia
((15/-)) -- 7 Valentine’s Day Related
((15/26)) -- 7 Job Offer/Employee Search
((18/14)) -- 4 You Have Messages
((18/-)) -- 4 Mystery Medicine
((20/17)) -- 3 Pheromones
((20/17)) -- 3 Human Growth Hormone
((22/14)) -- 2 View My Profile/Pictures/Vote For Me
((23/12)) -- 1 Buy Shoes
((23/26)) -- 1 Dating Site: Interested Ladies
((23/17)) -- 1 Would You Like to Chat & See My Pics?
((23/-)) -- 1 All Kinds of Embroideries!
((23/-)) -- 1 You Are A Sweepstakes Winner!
((23/-)) -- 1 Find A Fling in Your Area
((23/-)) -- 1 Order Lipitor Now
((23/-)) -- 1 Internet Business-In-A-Box
((23/-)) -- 1 Give The Gift Named “Most Romantic Gift”
((23/-)) -- 1 Your Spoose Will Admit This Present
((23/-)) -- 1 Trackstick GPS Now Available

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Spam Eleven: The Spammening

SORRY FOR THE ONE-DAY DELAY. I have no excuse for not bringing you your spam report yesterday, other than to say I was rescuing orphaned toddlers and adorable kittens from a burning submarine. But I suppose that’s not good enough for you, is it?

I really do try to keep my promises, I do. I only wish the senders of the spam would do the same. Especially the one that promised “Harry Potter fucks Britney Spears in her big ass in your attachment ;)” If I could trust this stranger (and I’m tempted to because of the winking emoticon), I might open the zip file just to see Britney take it in the pail from a fictional character. It’d still be worth watching if they meant Daniel Radcliffe. Although, I must be honest, both versions of that pairing seem fairly unlikely.

Remember: "If you want to fuck somebody, fuck yourself and save your money!" I don’t really mean that because “It’s motto for losers! Are you loser? To my mind you’re not!”

No you’re not. You’re a winner. And a winner wins a new Chart.

SPAM WATCH WEEK ELEVEN
723 emails
BMS= 48% (down 11%)

((1/1)) -- 349 Boner Medication (107 VPXL, 67 Viagra/Cialis, 30 MegaDick)
((2/2)) -- 129 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((3/3)) -- 54 Rolex/Luxury Replica Watches
((4/4)) -- 40 Online Casino
((5/7)) -- 28 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((6/5)) -- 25 OEM Software
((7/9)) -- 12 Foreign Gibberish
((8/10)) -- 11 Validate Your Identity (5 National City Bank, 2 Commerce Bank, 2 eBay)
((8/8)) -- 11 We Will Approve Your Loan
((10/12)) -- 9 Earn Your Degree
((11/10)) -- 7 Weight Loss/Anatrim
((12/15)) -- 6 Buy Shoes
((13/10)) -- 5 Improve Your Health
((14/12)) -- 3 Stop Smoking
((14/-)) -- 3 You Have Messages
((14/18)) -- 3 View My Profile/Pictures/Vote For Me
((17/-)) -- 2 Fake Returned Email (Failure Notice)
((17/15)) -- 2 Get Out of Debt Free
((17/-)) -- 2 Piece & Fantasy In Mind
((17/-)) -- 2 Would You Like to Chat & See My Pics?
((17/18)) -- 2 Pheromones
((17/23)) -- 2 Human Growth Hormone
((17/-)) -- 2 Stock News
((17/-)) -- 2 iTunes Replacement $.15 a Track
((17/1-) -- 2 New Way to Rend DVDs
((26/-)) -- 1 Your Financial Worries Could Be Over
((26/23)) -- 1 Employee Search
((26/-)) -- 1 Stop Paying Too Much for Auto Insurance
((26/12)) -- 1 Dating Site: Interested Ladies
((26/-)) -- 1 Increase The Web Traffic to Your Site
((26/-)) -- 1 New Career in Massage Therapy & Bodywork
((26/-)) -- 1 I Dream of You
((26/-)) -- 1 Bank Scam (Money Left By Iraqi Oil Baron)
((26/-)) -- 1 Reach Out & Bone Someone
((26/-)) -- 1 Perfect Valentine’s Gift

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Spam-A-Lot, Week 10

ARE YOU READY TO HAVE YOUR MIND BLOWN by this week’s chart? And I’m not just talking about the 725 emails, an increase in traffic of more than 23%, including 430 Boner Meds (for a BMS of 59%). What I’m really talking about is the information received from another dimension. The dimension in which President Bill Klinton was a proud user of Viagra, and the “great sexual scandal known as Klinton-Levinsky” only served to raise Klinton’s popularity.

As the email explained: “It’s a natural phenomenon, because Bill as a real man in order not to shame himself when he was with Monica regularly used Viagra. What happened you see :) His political figure became more courageous and more attractive. Women all over the world made out in her person not only the president of the USA, but the man!!! It is very important for a man to be respected as a man.”

I wonder if in that dimension someone other than George Bush is president or if it’s just a smarter, less mean version of him (Jorge Busch?) who’s in charge.

Something to ponder while you dig into a spicy basket of Chart!

SPAM WATCH WEEK TEN
725 emails
BMS = 59% (down 5%)

((1/1)) -- 430 Boner Medication (113 VPXL, 74 Viagra/Cialis, 41 MegaDick)
((2/2)) -- 107 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((3/3)) -- 33 Rolex/Luxury Replica Watches
((4/4)) -- 24 Online Casino
((5/6)) -- 17 OEM Software
((6/10)) -- 14 Validate Your Identity (3 CitiBank, 3 Wells Fargo, 2 Commerce Bank)
((7/5)) -- 13 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((8/7)) -- 12 We Will Approve Your Loan
((9/8)) -- 9 Foreign Gibberish
((10/10)) -- 8 Improve Your Health
((10/14)) -- 8 Weight Loss/Anatrim
((12/10)) -- 6 Stop Smoking
((12/14)) -- 6 Dating Site: Interested Ladies/You Have Messages
((12/-)) -- 6 Earn Your Degree
((15/13)) -- 4 Buy Shoes
((15/16)) -- 4 Get Out of Debt Free
((15/16)) -- 4 Xmas Gifts
((18/16)) -- 3 View My Profile/Pictures/Vote For Me
((18/16)) -- 3 Pheromones
((18/-)) -- 3 I Love Thee
((21/-)) -- 2 I Dream of You
((21/-)) -- 2 Kisses Through Email
((23/16)) -- 1 Payday Loan
((23/16)) -- 1 Human Growth Hormone
((23/-)) -- 1 Employee Search
((23/-)) -- 1 Want to Make Huge Money?
((23/-)) -- 1 When I’m With You
((23/-)) -- 1 Heavenly Love
((23/-)) -- 1 Teach Your Woman Obediency


KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Spam-A-Lot, Week 9

IT'S A BITTERSWEET WEEK ON THE SPAM CHARTS. Last week's record-setting spam intake was easily topped by the 588 emails received, as well as the highest BMS on record (at 64%). And after all my tales of doom and gloom for MegaDick, the ol' MD made a comeback, though it was still far outdistanced by VPXL. Sadly, it appears that 2008 will be Pussy & Boobs free, as for the third week running both Personal Pussy and Bigger/Better Boobs found no purchase in my inbox. While the Top 4 categories held steady, both OEM Software and Foreign Gibberish continued their downward trend. In the early weeks of the Chart, both categories easily logged between 30-50 emails a week; now either is lucky to squeak into the Top 10 with a dozen hits.

The big news of this week's Chart wasn't so much the six categories that dropped off: Earn Your Degree, Happy New Year, Employee Search, Madison Who’s Who, Embroideries and Would You Like to Chat? It was more about the six categories that hit the Chart for the very first time, led prominently by the #9 debut of GetNewGirlfriend.com. The other five newbies bottomed out the chart with only a couple emails apiece, but included the late (or maybe really really early) reminder of where to get the most popular X-mas Presents (along with the encouragement to "Hurry up!") and also the cryptically simple Revenge Is A Funny Thing, which simply said just that and included a link. I did not click on the link.

The Chart reminds you that "Your woman does not want to jazz it with you for reason of your device size." That is the only reason she does not want to jazz you.

Jazz it with The Chart!

SPAM WATCH WEEK NINE
588 emails
BMS = 64% (up 16%)

((1/1)) -- 379 Boner Medication (92 VPXL, 48 MegaDick, 37 Viagra/Cialis)
((2/2)) -- 59 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((3/3)) -- 30 Rolex/Luxury Replica Watches
((4/4)) -- 22 Online Casino
((5/7)) -- 17 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((6/5)) -- 11 OEM Software
((7/6)) -- 10 We Will Approve Your Loan
((8/9)) -- 9 Foreign Gibberish (0 German)
((9/-)) -- 8 GetNewGirlfriend.com
((10/9)) -- 5 Validate Your Identity (eBay, PayPal, etc.)
((10/11)) -- 5 Improve Your Health
((10/11)) -- 5 Stop Smoking
((13/19)) -- 4 Buy Shoes
((14/11)) -- 3 Dating Site: You Have Messages/Interested Ladies
((14/7)) -- 3 Weight Loss (2 Anatrim)
((16/11)) -- 2 View My Profile/Pictures! (Vote For Me!)
((16/16)) -- 2 Pheromones
((16/16)) -- 2 Human Growth Hormone
((16/-)) -- 2 Stock News
((16/-)) -- 2 Claim Your Winnings (Sweepstakes)
((16/-)) -- 2 Get Out of Debt Free
((16/-)) -- 2 Payday Loan
((16/-)) -- 2 Revenge Is A Funny Thing
((16/-)) -- 2 Xmas Gifts

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Spam-A-Lot, Week 8

THE BIG QUESTION FOR WEEK EIGHT’S SPAM CHART is, obviously, "isn't it derogatory when they call your penis a baby carrot?" The answer may surprise you, because the answer is no. Baby carrots are delicious and very good for you. So, not derogatory at all.

Week Eight brought in 511 emails, making it the most spammy chart yet, topping the previous high of 494 emails. Despite that surplus, however, it appears to be the end of an era. Never in the history of The Chart have so few MegaDick emails been recorded in a week. Only 15 MegaDick emails, down from an already low mark in Week Seven of just 30. Remember those good old days of when we were swimming in MegaDick? When there were more than 55 (Week Six & Week Two), more than 70 (Week Three & Week One) or even 91 (Week Four). Don’t tell me those magnificent days are over. Please.

Sadly, now Boner Medication is all about VPXL, which came on so suddenly (Sudden Onset VPXL?) I wasn't able to accurately track it this week. I'm guessing there were about 90 VPXL emails this week. We'll see how the numbers stack up next week.

New to the chart this week are View My Profile/Pictures! (#11), Happy New Year Click on This (#16) and We Will Approve Your Loan (debuting big at #6). Two of the most useless pieces of new spam came in the form of Selected Into Madison Who's Who and All Kinds of Embroideries! (both bottoming out the chart at #19). How enticing is either sales pitch? I mean, really. Madison, Wisconsin wants me? Wow! The Madison, Wisconsin? And not just any kind of embroidery but all kinds? It's like every day is Christmas!

Dropping off the chart this week are Here Is a Video, Stock News and Bank Scam. But most notable is the prolonged absence of Personal Pussy and Bigger/Better Boobs, now AWOL for the second week in a row. If the future doesn't contain a Personal Pussy and Bigger/Better Boobs, I'm not sure I want to live there.

Get down with the Chart!

SPAM WATCH WEEK EIGHT
511 emails
BMS = 48% (up 1%)

((1/1)) -- 243 Boner Medication (15 MegaDick, 58 Viagra/Cialis)
((2/3)) -- 73 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((3/2)) -- 56 Rolex/Luxury Replica Watches
((4/4)) -- 29 Online Casino
((5/6)) -- 23 OEM Software
((6/-)) -- 19 We Will Approve Your Loan
((7/6)) -- 7 Inspecific "Look at this!"
((7/10)) -- 7 Weight Loss/Anatrim
((9/5)) -- 6 Foreign Gibberish (1 German)
((9/8)) -- 6 Validate Your Identity (eBay, PayPal, etc.)
((11/10)) -- 5 Stop Smoking
((11/10)) -- 5 Improve Your Health
((11/16)) -- 5 Dating Site: You Have Messages/Interested Ladies (Russian Brides)
((11/-)) -- 5 View My Profile/Pictures! (And vote for me!)
((11/16)) -- 5 Earn Your Degree
((16/15)) -- 4 Pheromones
((16/9)) -- 4 Human Growth Hormone
((16/-)) -- 4 Happy New Year Click on This!
((19/-)) -- 1 Selected Into Madison Who's Who
((19/18)) -- 1 Employee Search
((19/18)) -- 1 Buy Shoes
((19/-)) -- 1 All Kinds of Embroideries!
((19/10)) -- 1 Would You Like to Chat?

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Spam-A-Lot, Week 7

IT'S TUESDAY, THEREFORE IT'S TIME FOR SPAM! That's my plan in 2008: updating the Spam Chart every Tuesday. We'll see how that goes. So far, I've already missed one Tuesday. What do I have to say about that? Nothing, I'll let the spam do the talking for me: "Moreover it is good it a little to make more thickly."

Yes. Yes, it is.

The most notable movement on the chart this week involved Rolex/Luxury Watches and OEM Software, with the former vaulting to the #2 spot and the latter dropping its output for the third consecutive week (down to only 15 spam from 58) and ending up at #6. Tragic news for fans of OEM software, indeed.

Bank Scam, Earn Your Degree and Holiday/Last Minute Shopping returned after a one-week sabbatical, joined by Dating Site and Buy Shoes as the new faces on the chart.

Two freshmen categories did not return for their sophomore engagements: Get Approved and The World Book Is Here. Notably absent from the chart now two weeks in a row: Legal Pot, View Your Kitty Card and Tax Refund from IRS. Sadly, both Personal Pussy and Bigger/Better Boobs dropped off the chart -- not a good sign, if you ask me.

Chart time!

SPAM WATCH WEEK SEVEN
420 emails
BMS = 47% (down 6%)

((1/1)) -- 197 Boner Medication (30 MegaDick, 41 Viagra/Cialis)
((2/6)) -- 64 Rolex/Luxury Watches
((3/3)) -- 36 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((4/5)) -- 26 Online Casino
((5/2)) -- 16 Foreign Gibberish (0 German)
((6/4)) -- 15 OEM Software
((6/7)) -- 15 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((8/11)) -- 8 Validate Your Identity (eBay, PayPal, etc.)
((9/13)) -- 6 Human Growth Hormone
((10/7)) -- 5 Weight Loss (Anatrim)
((10/8)) -- 5 Would You Like to Chat?
((10/12)) -- 5 Stop Smoking
((10/13)) -- 5 Improve Your Health
((10/--)) -- 5 Holiday/Last Minute Shopping
((15/13)) -- 3 Pheromones
((16/--)) -- 2 Dating Site: You Have Messages/Interested Ladies
((16/--)) -- 2 Earn Your Degree
((18/13)) -- 1 Here Is a Video (w/attachment, Angelina porn this time)
((18/12)) -- 1 Stock News
((18/13)) -- 1 Employee Search
((18/--)) -- 1 Buy Shoes
((18/--)) -- 1 Bank Scam (Nigerian & otherwise)

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Spam-A-Lot, Week 6

THE SIXTH WEEK OF THE WATCH was a week in which I was told "all mens need this." The "this" was of course Boner Medication, which maintained its stranglehold on the top spot. This week also featured an email from an Online Casino (cracking the Top 5 this week) which proclaimed "When YOU WIN, we win!" Very comforting words from a casino, I think. At least they're honest in telling me that they win no matter what the outcome.

Six categories dropped off the chart this week: Earn Your Degree, Legal Pot, View Your Kitty Card, Tax Refund from IRS, Bank Scam, and Holiday Shopping For Your Loved Ones, the last of which entered the Top 10 last week.

New on the chart are Would You Like to Chat? (debuting at #8 with the recurrent theme of "I'm a lonely twenty-something girl who's bored tonight"), Get Approved, The World Book Is Here and the ominous Here Is The Video which arrived with a zip file attached and a message that read, in part, "Here is the video of this patient interrogation / cross-examination. I think he doesn't say everything."

I missed my Chart!

WEEK SIX
337 emails
BMS = 53% (up 4%)

((1/1)) -- 177 Boner Medication (57 MegaDick, 39 Viagra/Cialis)
((2/5)) -- 37 Foreign Gibberish (5 German)
((3/2)) -- 30 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((4/3)) -- 25 OEM Software
((5/10)) -- 15 Online Casino
((6/4)) -- 13 Rolex/Luxury Watches
((7/10)) -- 6 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((7/6)) -- 6 Weight Loss (Hoodia Gordonii) (2 Anatrim)
((8/--)) -- 5 Would You Like to Chat?
((9/14)) -- 4 Personal Pussy (Personal Puss!)
((9/14)) -- 4 Bigger/Better Boobs
((11/10)) -- 3 Validate Your Identity (eBay, PayPal, etc.)
((12/8)) -- 2 Stock News
((12/17)) -- 2 Stop Smoking
((13/7)) -- 1 Employee Search
((13/--)) -- 1 Improve Your Health
((13/14)) -- 1 Human Growth Hormone
((13/14)) -- 1 Porn Sites
((13/17)) -- 1 Pheromones
((13/--)) -- 1 Get Approved
((13/--)) -- 1 The World Book Is Here
((13/--)) -- 1 Here Is The Video (w/attachment)

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Spam-A-Lot, Week 4

SPAM IS BACK AND IT'S BETTER THAN EVER, as Week 4 of the Chart saw the highest number of useless emails yet -- nearly 500! That's a lot of crap! Several Chart favorites returned to the fold (Human Growth Hormone, Personal Pussy and Bigger/Better Boobs to name three). Holiday traffic jacked up the Rolex/Luxury Watches spam to its highest overall total (51) and highest spot on the chart (#4) yet.

New to the chart this week are Holiday Shopping For Your Loved Ones at #8 and Bank Scam (Nigerian & otherwise) way down on the bottom of the chart. Tax Refund from IRS, Improve Your Health and View Your Kitty Card were absent for the second straight week, and Legal Pot, which made its chart debut last week, albeit weakly in last place, also disappeared.

Sadly, the only notable subject line this week was “it’s not a secret that hotties are mad about strong and long sausages.” Let's hope next week brings a more fertile crop of those babies, am I right?

Viva la Chart!

WEEK FOUR, NOVEMBER 15-21
494 emails (up 52%)
BMS=49% (down 11%)

((1/1)) -- 243 Boner Medication (91 MegaDick, 68 Viagra/Cialis)
((2/3)) -- 59 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((3/2)) -- 58 OEM Software
((4/5)) -- 51 Rolex/Luxury Watches
((5/4)) -- 42 Foreign Gibberish
((6/10)) -- 6 Weight Loss (Hoodia Gordonii & Anatrim)
((7/10)) -- 5 Employee Search
((8/9)) -- 4 Stock News
((8/--)) -- 4 Holiday Shopping For Your Loved Ones
((10/--)) -- 3 Online Casino
((10/6)) -- 3 Validate Your Identity (confirm w/eBay, PayPal, etc.)
((10/7)) -- 3 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((10/8)) -- 3 Earn Your Degree
((14/--)) -- 2 Human Growth Hormone
((14/--)) -- 2 Personal Pussy (Personal Puss!)
((14/--)) --2 Bigger/Better Boobs
((17/--)) -- 1 Porn Sites
((17/--)) -- 1 Stop Smoking
((17/--)) -- 1 Pheromones
((17/--)) -- 1 Bank Scam (Nigerian & otherwise)

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Spam-A-Lot, Week 3

EXCITING MOVEMENT ON THE SPAM CHART this week. Not in the top four, which stayed exactly the same, but elsewhere on the chart. Ten categories disappeared off the chart altogether, leaving only a dozen categories of spam in my inbox this week. The number of emails dropped back down to 325 this week, but the BMS skyrocketed to 60%, leaving little room on the charts for anything else really. In fact, MegaDick emails alone outnumbered the total emails for OEM Software and Canadian/Online Pharmacy, #2 and #3 on the chart, respectively. And perennial #5 on the chart Weight Loss lost weight at an alarming rate, losing 90% of its chart power by dropping to a unhealthily skinny two emails (both for Anatrim) and ending up at the #10 spot.

Most notably absent in Week 3 were Human Growth Hormone and Personal Pussy, both recent Top Ten Spams. Also surprisingly missing, Bigger/Better Boobs. I guess I just don't believe that America is finally happy with the size and quality of its boobs. View Your Kitty Kard went unrepresented, which was fine by me, because I never knew what the fuck that meant anyway.

There were two new arrivals this week. The Inspecific "Look At This" emails debuted at #7, which simply said something like "You won't believe THIS" and included a link to click on. Also, Legal Pot debuted in the #12 spot with two emails encouraging me to try "Buddha Bud".

It was hard to choose a favorite phrase from this weeks emails, since there were three awesome candidates to choose from. While I really liked the broken English of “increase easily your power in the eyewink!”; “fungo bat in your pants” and “vagina destroyer” also won my heart through repetition, arriving in five (fungo) and three (destroyer) separate emails.

Love your chart now!

WEEK THREE, NOVEMBER 8-14
325 emails
BMS=60% (up 21%)

((1/1)) -- 194 Boner Medication (72 MegaDick, 61 Viagra/Cialis)
((2/2)) -- 35 OEM Software
((3/3)) -- 34 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((4/4)) -- 32 Foreign Gibberish (3 German)
((5/11)) -- 7 Rolex/Luxury Watches
((6/9)) -- 6 Validate Your Identity (confirm w/eBay, PayPal, etc.)
((7/--)) -- 5 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((8/17)) -- 4 Earn Your Degree
((9/17)) -- 3 Stock News
((10/5)) -- 2 Weight Loss (both Anatrim)
((10/16)) -- 2 Employee Search
((10/--)) -- 2 Legal Pot (Big Buddha Bud)

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Spam-A-Lot, Week 2

WEEK TWO OF SPAMWATCH '07 saw an increase in emails (from 321 to 404) but a decrease in the percentage of Boner Medication emails. The Top Five categories stayed the same, although Foreign Gibberish dropped from the #2 spot to #4. New to the Chart this week is Improve Your Health (which debuts at the #6 spot), Employee Search and Tax Refund from the IRS. And Poor Credit?, which barely made it onto the Chart last week with a single email, dropped off the radar altogether. The most entertaining subject line of the week: “such a bulky fuckstick Briana”.

Please enjoy your chart.

WEEK TWO, NOVEMBER 1-7
404 emails
BMS=39% (down 6% from last week)

((1/1)) -- 159 Boner Medication (56 MegaDick, 43 Viagra/Cialis)
((2/3)) -- 57 OEM Software
((3/4)) -- 48 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((4/2)) -- 47 Foreign Gibberish (6 German)
((5/5)) -- 21 Weight Loss (7 Anatrim)
((6/--)) -- 8 Improve Your Health
((6/12)) -- 8 Stop Smoking
((6/10)) -- 8 Human Growth Hormone
((9/8)) -- 7 Personal Pussy
((9/6)) -- 7 Validate Your Identity

((11/7)) -- 6 Rolex/Luxury Watches
((12/9)) -- 5 Bigger/Better Boobs
((12/12)) -- 5 Online Casino
((14/12)) -- 4 Pheromones
((14/12)) -- 4 View Your Kitty Card
((16/--)) -- 3 Employee Search
((17/10)) -- 2 General Porn
((17/12)) -- 2 Earn Your Degree
((17/12)) -- 2 Stock News
((20/--)) -- 1 Tax Refund from IRS

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Spam-A-Lot

I WILL FREELY ADMIT THAT I HAVE A PROBLEM with spam emails. Both that I receive a shitload of it (more than 300 a week), and also that I am fascinated by it. My wife is convinced that my infatuation with spam is not only boring but possibly stupid.

I find it hard to dispute this position.

That being said, I started keeping track of the kinds of spam I receive on a week-to-week basis. Yes, I know, it's a little like touching the doorknob 17 times before leaving the house, but everybody's got their something, right?

I started this (let's call it an) experiment three weeks ago, and I would like to share the results with you. Yes, I'm talking to you Nick and Jon & Jon & Steve. And maybe also to Corn Mo. (After you guys, I don't know who else might be reading what I write.) My favorites are, of course, the boner medication spam emails, which make up nearly 50% of every week's influx. MegaDick (also spelled MegaDik) is the most popular, but WonderCum, Xtra-Size, ManSter and the Penis Patch are quite popular too. I also received one this week with the subject line "be a success in the pants." Words to live by.

Here's the Billboard Chart of Spam for...
WEEK ONE, OCTOBER 24-31
321 emails
Boner Medication Saturation (BMS)=45%

144 Boner Medication (73 MegaDick, 38 Viagra/Cialis)
42 Foreign Gibberish (6 German)
34 OEM Software Offers
31 Canadian/Online Pharmacy (non boner-specific)
17 Weight Loss (including Anatrim & Hoodia)
16 Validate Your Identity
15 Rolex/Luxury Watches
5 Personal Pussy
4 Bigger/Better Boobs
3 Human Growth Hormone
3 General Porn
2 View Your Kitty Card (including Psycho Kitty)
2 Stop Smoking
2 Earn Your Degree
2 Online Casino
2 Stock News
2 Pheromones
1 Poor Credit?

Stay tuned for weekly reports...until I get tired of it.