Just Got Back From Costco

I THOUGHT I'D STOCK UP on newborn babies. I got all different flavors.



Let me know if you need one, I've got plenty.

Ugly Babies Need Not Apply

TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT YOUR BABY and be honest with yourself (first and foremost) and then with us.



Because, seriously, if you send us a picture of a baby, and it is NOT a handsome baby, we can't be held responsible for what we might do. I know, I know, the contest is called a "Cute Baby Contest," but let's be realistic. Cute just doesn't cut it anymore. Tina Yothers was a cute baby and look how that worked out for her.

Right. Not good is what I'm saying.

So please, and I cannot emphasize this at all, HANDSOME BABIES ONLY. Is your baby George Clooney...only a baby? Perfect! Send us the picture! Do people call your baby McDreamy or McSteamy? Or did you just name your baby McSteamy in hopes that we would be fooled. If the former, great! You're exactly what we're looking for. If the latter, get a grip! Stop kidding yourself and stop lying to your baby. There's nothing sadder than an unattractive baby that thinks it's sexy just because his/her parents told it so. Nothing is sadder than that. Not even Haiti.

Also, do not waste our time. This is a national contest. The prize is $2,500! What I'm saying is, this is some serious-ass shit.

Okay, fair enough. The baby we chose for the Facebook ad wasn't the most handsome baby in the world. That's a totally legitimate criticism. It's just a really really cute baby. That's my bad. I'll take the fall for that one. I chose the photo. Mea. Culpa.

What? Is it my baby?

Come on, don't be ridiculous. My future babies are already more handsome than that, and they haven't even been born yet. If I had a baby it would win this contest, by a landslide. It would win the contest so mightily, the contest would probably have to shut down forever. So to answer your question, no, that is not my baby.

Per se.

Did I buy it from a "baby broker?" Maybe. Did I find it next to a sleeping woman on a cross-town bus? Look, that's beside the point. The point is, if your baby isn't Johnny Depp (again, the baby version) or like a baby swimsuit model, don't even bother.

Also, I know the ad says to send in a photo, but the best way to win this contest -- if you want a little Pro Tip -- is to send your baby in. By messenger, if possible. Although FedEx isn't bad, either.

And NO we're not just going to sell your baby for profit. That is a gross exaggeration. It's probably a lie even. We're not some fly-by-night Cute Baby Contest. We are a reputable, you know, whatever. We're trustworthy. For reals.

So send us your baby. Seriously. Do it now.

Oh yeah, and you'd think this would go without saying but apparently it doesn't: white babies only.

Baby Care 101

MANY PEOPLE, EVERY DAY, ASK ME ONE QUESTION: How does one properly dry a baby? This may seem like a weird question, since I do not have a baby (well, at least one that is legally mine), until you realize that I am a well-known baby care expert. I even have a degree (from the University of Phoenix) that says so.

Anyway, drying a baby can be tricky, but here's a handy visual aid to help you remember the do's and do-not-do's of baby drying.



You're welcome.

Babies Do the Most Disturbing Things

THE BEST PART OF THIS, other than the part that will give me nightmares, is that the father doesn't know the baby is totally making fun of him. It's the baby version of "blah blah blah blah blah."



Wait. I just watched it again. I think everyone is mistaken. The baby's not preaching. He's imitating Hitler.

Well, whichever it is, it sure isn't comforting.

Maybe You Want to Rephrase That?

SO, PORN STAR JENNA JAMESON GAVE BIRTH TO TWINS. And that is great news. Seriously.



But here's the thing: If you're a former porn star, you may want to watch what you say regarding the life-changing birth of your children. For instance, you might want to NOT say this:

"I can’t even express the extreme serenity that came over me once I saw my children inside me."

You may want to rephrase that a little.

Congratulations, Mississippi!

NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, you'll always have this honor:



No one can take that away from you. And, New Hampshire, your low teen birthrate is embarrassing. Get with the program, nerds! You'll never be popular until you put out!

Shocking Baby

SURE, I GET IT. This baby is being shocked.



And this is obviously meant as an illustration warning parents (at least those in 1930s Germany) of a danger to their little babies. But I have a question:

What the hell does the baby have in its mouth and hand? Maybe the parents shouldn't have plugged their jumper cables into the outlet next to the baby? That would have been a good start, I think.

In Other Baby News

NOW THAT YOU KNOW how to tell the difference between your baby and a burrito, I have one other tiny bit of advice to pass on.


You're welcome.

Burrito Baby!

THIS NEWS STORY INSPIRED TWO COMEDY BITS.



COMEDY BIT #1
I have seven questions about this story.
QUESTION #1: If you had a burrito the size of a newborn, why would you throw it away? Wouldn’t you’d throw a burrito party and invite your closest friends to help you eat it? Or better yet, wouldn’t you just eat all of it and then spend the rest of the day in a shame spiral?
QUESTION #2: I am not a father, so I do not know for sure: Are newborns normally wrapped in paper and foil?
QUESTION #3: Or was this particular burrito served in a diaper?
QUESTION #4: Wait. Was the burrito served in an adorable onesie? If so, I think this is a dangerous practice. Even if the burrito place is called Burrito Baby. And even if the burritos are really, really delicious.
QUESTION #5: So, let me get this straight. Enough people at the Wal-Mart agreed that “Yep, that’s a baby in the trash can. It’s definitely not a burrito. I’m 100% certain it’s a baby.” So they called the cops?
QUESTION #6: Or was it a snap decision? Like, “Oh shit! That’s a baby in the trash can! Call the cops right now!” Then before the cops got there, when they realized it was just a big fucking burrito, not a baby at all, they decided, as a group, by taking a blood oath, that they would all just act surprised when the cops discovered it was a burrito and not a baby. They probably even practiced their surprised faces. Because they were embarrassed they didn’t think it through better, that they acted so hastily.
QUESTION #7: I think the person who called this in to the cops has a problem with food and/or might be a cannibal. I realize this isn’t technically a question. But I think the cops should question this person more. And the co-workers at the Wal-Mart should be careful. He/she obviously views food as people and people as food. Shit like that just doesn’t end up well. Is starts with a little nibble, and the next thing you know, you’re putting a baby in a tortilla with some beans and cheese and lettuce and salsa.

COMEDY BIT #2
Confusing babies with burritos is not as unusual as it sounds. Turns out there are nine ways in which newborn babies are ALMOST EXACTLY like burritos.
• They both are warm.
• They both are cuddly.
• They both smell nice.
• They both make you feel good.
• They both come in a variety of sizes.
• They both make you think to yourself “I can’t believe I made this!”
• They both can be bought from street vendors in major cities.
• They both are better when covered with cheese & sauce.
• They both make you think “I could never finish eating this” but then you do it anyway because they’re so delicious.

Do Not Panic, People...

BUT MARTHA STEWART MIGHT WANT TO EAT YOUR CHILDREN.



Babies DO make adorable holiday dishes though. You have to admit.

Words to Live By