Memories of The Juice

I POSTED THESE HERE BEFORE, but with today's sentencing of O.J. Simpson, I felt a little pang of nostalgia to the good ol' days when O.J. was simply known as the guy who got away with killing his wife and her boyfriend, and before he became known as the guy who masterminded an armed assault to get back some football paraphernalia in Vegas. 

Oh, those were simpler times. Times during which I was working on a daytime talk show and me and the three other writers on the show (including the wife) came up with the following O.J.-related gems, which the fine people at McSweeney's decided to publish.

Those days are gone now, as The Juice is facing somewhere between 8 and 33 years, depending upon which reputable newspaper you believe, for kidnapping and armed robbery. Oh, innocent (or at least acquitted) times, where have you gone?

Please enjoy.

O.J. McSweeney

SOMETIMES THE WRITERS OF THE MEGAN MULLALLY SHOW write jokes that couldn't possibly be appropriate for daytime. When that happens, we just send them to McSweeney's. (Okay, so it's just happened once so far, but it seems like a good rule to follow from here on out.) The following two lists were written collectively by me, Wendy Molyneux, John Robertson and Ann Slichter, and published on the McSweeney's site. Enjoy.

ALTERNATE TITLES FOR O.J. SIMPSON'S NEW BOOK
Stab This Book
Stab Your Wife With This Book
Beat Your Wife to Death With This Book
Tuesdays With Stabby
Are You There, God? It's Me, a Multiple Murderer
To Kill a Mockingbird, Wherein the Mockingbird Is Your Ex-Wife and Her Friend, the Waiter
What to Expect When You're Expecting to Stab Someone

CLASSIC TITLES WE TRIED TO TURN INTO FAKE TITLES FOR O.J.'S NEW BOOK THAT TURNED OUT TO SOUND TOO MUCH LIKE REAL TITLES FOR O.J.'S NEW BOOK
The Sound and the Fury
As I Lay Dying
A Farewell to Arms
Men Are From Mars, Bitches Had It Coming