Mystery Solved!

AFTER A WEEK OF GOOD CLEAN J.O. ENTERTAINMENT, a keen-eyed Australian has solved the mystery weighing on many people's minds since I posted this photo and commentary.



This can't be real, right? This has to be fake.

That is what a lot of people said to me after I posted it. And my response was, "It's so weird, it's probably fake. But, then again, it's just weird enough to be true." Well, it wasn't real, it turns out. It was one of several fake j.o. ads concoted by a writer for Something Awful. It is, I think, the funniest of the fake ads (although the "j.o. into my wallet" concept is pretty genius too). Equally as funny is this j.o. ad my friend John sent me.

I am absolutely certain this one's fake. What with the hot tornado action and all.



Ultimately, I'm not surprised to find out the ad is fake. I am a little sad though. I guess part of me was really entertained by the notion that there was this guy out there whose quest for personal happiness included the combination of model trains and imitation crab meat. But I have faith. I firmly believe that there's a real guy out there who's every bit as weird as this fake guy. I'm sure that somewhere there's a guy getting off to a room full of trains. He may not be in Philly. He may not be 48. He may not even like imitation crab meat. But he's out there, searching for his j.o. buddy. And I, for one, hope that he finds one.

What can I say, I'm a romantic.

Pulling A Train

A FRIEND OF A FRIEND OF A FRIEND sent this unbelievable link to a photo on Flickr, under the heading "Best Thing EVER. Discuss." It's not so much a photo, as a screen grab from Craigslist. Spoiler alert! If you follow the link, this is what you'll find.


Okay, I feel like I need to break this shit down into its component parts.

Let me begin with the first photo: that of a very complicated train set. Okay. So far so good. Picture #2...whoops! Naked middle aged guy! Wow, what the fuck?

"Want age 25-70 guy to come over and jo in my model train room."
The first time I read this I thought "jo in" was supposed to be "join", like he had accidentally typed a space in the middle of the word. I have never been so sad to be wrong in my life. All right, so this guy wants another guy from his mid-20s to early 70s to come over and jack off in his model train room. Whatever, different shit gets different people off. My question is the age range. 25-70? That is sooooo inspecific. But I guess that's necessary, considering the task at hand: Wanting someone who totally wants to jack off to model trains. Okay, moving on.

"mutual touching and stuff but nothing more than that...I'm not gay"
Of course you're not gay. What's gay about jacking off over trains. Nothing, that's what. That said...what EXACTLY does this guy mean by "stuff." Also, mutual touching seems a little gay to me. Then again, I'm not really on board with the wanking over trains idea, so obviously I'm not the target audience.

"I'm not gay"
Wait...I changed my mind. Yes you are.

"It's all HO scale."
This is important, motherfuckers. Coz everybody knows N and Z scale aren't fuckin' sexy at all! Let's be serious. Like you can get a boner from that tiny-ass shit. Maybe you can if you're gay. But like the man said, he's not gay, so stop asking him to blow you.

"then after you finish you can stomp around and kick the trains and buildings like a monster"
Here's where we kick this ad up to the next level. This is what I suppose falls under the category of "value added." Not only do you get to jack off with a weird 48-year-old guy in his model train room, but now you get to pretend you're a monster too! Stomping AND kicking? Fuck yeah! My two favorite things (after jacking off in a train room.) Awesome! Nothing better after a wank than playing Godzilla, right?

"(don't break they are my sons)"
Now, my wife and I have a disagreement about this. My wife thinks the guy is saying that the trains are like his children. Whereas I believe that the trains belong to his son. If I am right, then there's going to be a really sad kid who finds this post on Craigslist and realizes that his dad's been spanking it to his prized trains. "Seriously, dad, get your own fucking trains if you want to bring random guys over for a circle jerk. On second thought, you can just keep these. Also, never speak to me again."

"we can do this until 4 am or until we get tired"
So, listen up, prospective train wanker, the expectation is that you will wank and stomp and kick for many hours. Even though this guy is pushing 50, he can do this shit until the wee hours. He's obviously done this till 4 am before. No problem. But if you get tired before then, that's okay. Don't think he won't be disappointed in you, though. 'Cause he will be.

"also..."
Wait...there's more?

"i have lots of imitation crab meat in my freezer that i need to get rid of so you can have a bunch when you leave."
A parting gift? And it's not even REAL crab meat? And wait, why did you say "get rid of"? Was it used in a crime? And what do you mean by "bunch"? Are you just going to have your "guests" grab handfuls of fake crab? Somehow, at this point in the ad, that wouldn't surprise me at all.

"its all perfectly good"
Why do you feel the need to reassure everyone about the imitation crab meat? Why would someone even be suspicious of the quality of the imitation crab meat they get from a guy they just jacked off with in his train room? If you can't trust a guy you just jacked off with (not to mention the stomping around like a monster afterwards), who can you trust?

"we just got too much!!!"
We? Um...you're not gay, or at least you say you aren't. So the "we" must imply a wife? Oh dear, now I'm the saddest I've been all day. Maybe looking at this guy's picture will cheer me up...oh no. No it doesn't. Sadder now. Ever sadder.

UPDATE: The j.o. mystery is solved here.

Brain Hat

I REALLY CAN'T DECIDE what my favorite news story of this last week is, because there's a lot of weird shit going on right now. I do have five candidates vying for the title of Most Awesome Story of the Week. Here is but one of them.

Japanese Researchers Control Toy Train With Their Brains!
Reasearchers at Hitachi have developed an attractive new helmet they call a "brain-machine interface" that allows the wearer not only to look awesomely nerdy but also to control a toy train just by thinking. Finally! Toy trains will do our bidding! Whatever we think, they will do! It's just like that awesome H.G. Wells story. What was that called again? Oh yeah, "The Man Who Controlled Trains With His Brain (The Toy Ones Not the Big Steam Locomotives...I Mean, Seriously, Control a Steam Locomotive With Your Mind? Even I Think That's a Bit Ridiculous, And I'm H.G. Wells, I Write About All Kinds of Crazy Crap)." I used to love that story.

You're probably wondering, "So how do you make the train go? Do you think forward or go to make the train move and halt or whoa! to make it stop?" Of course not! It's so much easier than that. You either do simple calculations in your head -- 4x2=8, 8x8=64 and like that -- and the train moves forward. When you stop doing them, the train stops! You can also sing a song to make the train go. You could even combine the two and sing a song about calculations to make it go. Might I recommend "Hey Little Twelve Toes" or "Three Is a Magic Number" from Schoolhouse Rock?

My second most favorite part about this story is how the author of the article first mentions that this technology could be used to control TVs, turning them on and off or changing the channels and whatnot. You know, instead of burning all of those additional calories using that heavy and cumbersome TV remote. Only after mentioning that use does the author add how this technology could assist disabled people. Because we should keep our priorities straight people. Let's help the laziest TV watchers first, and then worry about helping those who are actually disabled (or "permanently lazy," as I like to say).

But my most favorite part of this story is how much the "brainhat," as I like to call it, looks like the crazy hi-tech colander Egon Spengler (Harold Ramis) puts on Louis Tully's (Rick Moranis) head in the original Ghostbusters. Oh yeah, many Zuuls knew what it was like to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you!