The Sentimentalist - watch more funny videos
Showing posts with label good times. Show all posts
Showing posts with label good times. Show all posts
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Sex Bomb
A TRUE STORY! Police in Syracuse, New York, cleared the Clinton Square area of downtown Syracuse today after discovering a suspicious box left at the base of the park's Civil War monument. Witnesses saw two men leave the box at the monument and walk away. Bomb disposal experts examined it and found it to be harmless, as it turned out to be a metal "Sex and the City" trivia game, very much like this one.
Here are my jokes.
...AFTER FINDING OUT it was just a Sex and the City trivia game, the bomb squad detonated it anyway.
...SAID A SPOKESMAN for the Syracuse police department, "Leaving that game on the monument steps was soooo Samantha!"
...POLICE JUSTIFIED their extreme caution, saying, "When you hear that two men were seen playing a Sex & the City trivia game, it's natural to think that something suspicious is going on."
...IT WAS THE BIGGEST threat to downtown Syracuse since the Hungry Hungry Hippo scare of '72.
Here are my jokes.
...AFTER FINDING OUT it was just a Sex and the City trivia game, the bomb squad detonated it anyway.
...SAID A SPOKESMAN for the Syracuse police department, "Leaving that game on the monument steps was soooo Samantha!"
...POLICE JUSTIFIED their extreme caution, saying, "When you hear that two men were seen playing a Sex & the City trivia game, it's natural to think that something suspicious is going on."
...IT WAS THE BIGGEST threat to downtown Syracuse since the Hungry Hungry Hippo scare of '72.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Friday, November 21, 2008
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Brain No Worky
IT SERVES ME RIGHT for making fun of the thing my wife said a couple of days ago. It only makes sense that I too would fall prey to the same "bran flavor".
Just yesterday, I found myself hungry almost all day and when I tried to tell my wife that I was like a bottomless pit, instead I said: "I'm like an endless hole."
Which doesn't communicate the same thing really. In fact, it's a little upsetting.
Just yesterday, I found myself hungry almost all day and when I tried to tell my wife that I was like a bottomless pit, instead I said: "I'm like an endless hole."
Which doesn't communicate the same thing really. In fact, it's a little upsetting.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Everything I Know, I Learned From The Simpsons
IT MIGHT BE TIME to officially declare Heather Mills "bat-shit crazy." Up to this point, I've just thought she was kind of a mean lady and left it at that. And like most people, I watched her on "Dancing With The Stars" sorta, kinda hoping to see her high-kick her prosthesis into the crowd. Sure, who didn't? And of late she's said some weird-ass shit regarding her split from The Cute Beatle. But this really takes the cake.
Are you ready? I'm not sure you are, but here goes.
In order to combat global warming, Heather Mills, a vegan, wants people to drink rats' milk or dogs' milk.
Wha?
I mean, what the?
I mean, wait a second, this is straight out of a Simpsons episode. The one where Homer becomes a bodyguard for Mayor Quimby and finds out that Quimby is allowing Fat Tony to supply the schools with rats' milk, instead of milk from cows. It also features a hilarious turn by Mark Hamill playing a sad version of himself singing "Luke Be a Jedi Tonight" (to the tune of "Luck Be a Lady Tonight"), but I digress.
Here's the logic from the crazy lady herself: "Eighty per cent of global warming comes from livestock and deforestation. I'm not telling people to go vegan overnight. But if they stop drinking their cows' milk lattes, maybe this sort of thing won't have to happen."
Okay. I can be on board with this so far. At least theoretically. But there's more!
"There are many other kinds of milk available. Why don't we try drinking rats' milk and dogs' milk?"
Hmmm. Why don't we try drinking rats' milk? Wow. First of all, I think it is fan-fucking-tastic that someone actually said this and meant it. But let's just address some of the really crazy aspects of all this.
ONE: This is being said by a VEGAN. Normally, vegans aim to move people away from using any animal products at all. Instead, this one is suggesting we shift from cows to rats...and dogs. It's a little bit like a vegan saying, "Don't eat a hamburger! Eat a kitten instead!"
TWO: Global warming comes from livestock and deforestation. So, let's turn rats into livestock so that we can harvest and process their milk and save the planet? I mean, her idea might work...if there were giant pools of naturally occurring rats' milk and dogs' milk just lying about. (And who hasn't had that magnificent dream?)
THREE: Why am I even breaking this down? Holy shit! Rats' milk? Are you fucking crazy, lady? Wait! I know the answer to that. Yes! You are!
Are you ready? I'm not sure you are, but here goes.
In order to combat global warming, Heather Mills, a vegan, wants people to drink rats' milk or dogs' milk.
Wha?
I mean, what the?
I mean, wait a second, this is straight out of a Simpsons episode. The one where Homer becomes a bodyguard for Mayor Quimby and finds out that Quimby is allowing Fat Tony to supply the schools with rats' milk, instead of milk from cows. It also features a hilarious turn by Mark Hamill playing a sad version of himself singing "Luke Be a Jedi Tonight" (to the tune of "Luck Be a Lady Tonight"), but I digress.
Here's the logic from the crazy lady herself: "Eighty per cent of global warming comes from livestock and deforestation. I'm not telling people to go vegan overnight. But if they stop drinking their cows' milk lattes, maybe this sort of thing won't have to happen."
Okay. I can be on board with this so far. At least theoretically. But there's more!
"There are many other kinds of milk available. Why don't we try drinking rats' milk and dogs' milk?"
Hmmm. Why don't we try drinking rats' milk? Wow. First of all, I think it is fan-fucking-tastic that someone actually said this and meant it. But let's just address some of the really crazy aspects of all this.
ONE: This is being said by a VEGAN. Normally, vegans aim to move people away from using any animal products at all. Instead, this one is suggesting we shift from cows to rats...and dogs. It's a little bit like a vegan saying, "Don't eat a hamburger! Eat a kitten instead!"
TWO: Global warming comes from livestock and deforestation. So, let's turn rats into livestock so that we can harvest and process their milk and save the planet? I mean, her idea might work...if there were giant pools of naturally occurring rats' milk and dogs' milk just lying about. (And who hasn't had that magnificent dream?)
THREE: Why am I even breaking this down? Holy shit! Rats' milk? Are you fucking crazy, lady? Wait! I know the answer to that. Yes! You are!
Sunday, November 18, 2007
1-2-3-4, I Declare a Donut War!
AS MEMBERS OF THE WGA, the wife and I have been walking the picket lines since we got back from our New York vacation on November 6th. We normally picket in the mornings, since it’s been in the upper 80s in Los Angeles lately (just like mid-November oughta be!) and a couple of days ago we decided to bring some delicious donuts to our fellow strikers. Inadvertently, while choosing our two dozen donuts, I started a Donut War.
The wife and I were taking turns choosing donuts, and during one turn, she chose cake donuts with white icing sprinkled with coconut. In my estimation, a very unpopular donut choice. And I said as much, admittedly with a total lack of tact. I said, “No one’s going to eat those.”
Once on the picket line, I was called to task regarding my poo-pooing of the coconut donut, and also for the jerky way I poo-pooed.
“Well, come on, honey,” I said. “Let’s face it, coconut is not a popular donut flavor.”
“I like coconut donuts,” she replied, pointing out that one of my choices, the chocolate iced donut with chopped peanut sprinkles (third from the bottom in the accompanying photo), was an equally terrible donut.
“You’re crazy,” I said, again with an awesome amount of tact. “That’s a way better donut choice than a coconut donut. I guarantee you that at the end of the day there will be two donuts left: the two coconut donuts.”
And thus the war was on. It also prompted a $20 bet, with my wife insisting that no one would so much as sample the peanut-covered donuts. “Who wants a crunchy donut?” Whereas I was certain that the coconut donuts would be the fat kid in gym class, last in the box, totally neglected.
We marched and marched for a time, making small talk about other things, both of us stealing surreptitious glances into the donut box with each pass. Then my wife said, “You can’t just eat part of the peanut donut in order to win, you know.”
“Honestly, until you mentioned it, I hadn’t even considered that as an option.”
“Well, don’t do it,” she said.
Around and around we walked, watching the donuts in the box dwindle with each pass, until there were only four donuts were left: two coconut and two peanut-sprinkled.
Obviously, my penchant for the peanut-sprinkled donut was not shared by the masses, a surprise to me. And I said as much.
“It’s a terrible choice,” my wife replied.
“But I still insist that coconut is an even worse choice.”
“We’ll see.”
It is significant issues like this one that divide us. Only the most vital of international and social and moral topics demand this sort of tenacious loyalty, this level of passion. The mistreatment of political prisoners in our jails. The civil unrest in Pakistan. And whose donut choice will be least popular. These are the dynamic topics of discussion in our household.
A few minutes later, I heard my wife gasp, “Oh my god!” She was looking in the donut box. Someone in the picket line had taken half of the peanut-sprinkled donut. Conceding defeat, my wife tore off a bite of one of the coconut donuts. So, I was vindicated, if only barely. By the time we left, there was one coconut and three-quarters of a peanut-sprinkled donut left.
Two lessons were learned on this day. One: Peanut-sprinkled donuts are only barely more popular than coconut donuts. (Who knew?) And two: Nobody really wins a donut war. One can only hope to survive it and find a way to go on living.
The wife and I were taking turns choosing donuts, and during one turn, she chose cake donuts with white icing sprinkled with coconut. In my estimation, a very unpopular donut choice. And I said as much, admittedly with a total lack of tact. I said, “No one’s going to eat those.”
Once on the picket line, I was called to task regarding my poo-pooing of the coconut donut, and also for the jerky way I poo-pooed.
“Well, come on, honey,” I said. “Let’s face it, coconut is not a popular donut flavor.”
“I like coconut donuts,” she replied, pointing out that one of my choices, the chocolate iced donut with chopped peanut sprinkles (third from the bottom in the accompanying photo), was an equally terrible donut.
“You’re crazy,” I said, again with an awesome amount of tact. “That’s a way better donut choice than a coconut donut. I guarantee you that at the end of the day there will be two donuts left: the two coconut donuts.”
And thus the war was on. It also prompted a $20 bet, with my wife insisting that no one would so much as sample the peanut-covered donuts. “Who wants a crunchy donut?” Whereas I was certain that the coconut donuts would be the fat kid in gym class, last in the box, totally neglected.
We marched and marched for a time, making small talk about other things, both of us stealing surreptitious glances into the donut box with each pass. Then my wife said, “You can’t just eat part of the peanut donut in order to win, you know.”
“Honestly, until you mentioned it, I hadn’t even considered that as an option.”
“Well, don’t do it,” she said.
Around and around we walked, watching the donuts in the box dwindle with each pass, until there were only four donuts were left: two coconut and two peanut-sprinkled.
Obviously, my penchant for the peanut-sprinkled donut was not shared by the masses, a surprise to me. And I said as much.
“It’s a terrible choice,” my wife replied.
“But I still insist that coconut is an even worse choice.”
“We’ll see.”
It is significant issues like this one that divide us. Only the most vital of international and social and moral topics demand this sort of tenacious loyalty, this level of passion. The mistreatment of political prisoners in our jails. The civil unrest in Pakistan. And whose donut choice will be least popular. These are the dynamic topics of discussion in our household.
A few minutes later, I heard my wife gasp, “Oh my god!” She was looking in the donut box. Someone in the picket line had taken half of the peanut-sprinkled donut. Conceding defeat, my wife tore off a bite of one of the coconut donuts. So, I was vindicated, if only barely. By the time we left, there was one coconut and three-quarters of a peanut-sprinkled donut left.
Two lessons were learned on this day. One: Peanut-sprinkled donuts are only barely more popular than coconut donuts. (Who knew?) And two: Nobody really wins a donut war. One can only hope to survive it and find a way to go on living.
Friday, September 14, 2007
More Juice Please!
"O.J. Simpson is a suspect in an alleged armed robbery of sports memorabilia in a Las Vegas casino hotel room and will be interviewed by authorities later today."
So begins the story in The Los Angeles Times today. And I have to wonder two things: Why did the LAPD go all the way to Vegas to frame him for this crime? And why aren't they pursuing the Columbian Drug Lords who are obviously responsible? It's very puzzling.
Simpson, who was very cooperative with the police, explained that he was merely retrieving items known to be stolen, items that were rightfully his. He didn't break in to the hotel room. He said he was escorted up to the room (a dicey choice of words when it comes to Vegas) by an auction house owner.
"In any event," Simpson added, "it's stolen stuff that's mine. Nobody was roughed up."
Hmmm. Roughed up, eh?
I like to imagine that Simpson said those last four words with a wink and a smile. Just to let everyone know that he's still got it, and that, if push came to shove, he could still cut somebody's head off if he needed to.
You know, just for old times' sake.
Friday, April 6, 2007
Beards for the World!
BEARD TEAM USA IS GETTING READY. That's the electricity you can feel in the air. 
If you were wondering why you've felt so anxious lately, that might explain it. What with the World Beard and Moustache Championships coming up in September. 
Dude, everybody's getting ready! It's like the Super Bowl of hair growth, only it's world-fucking-wide, bitch. And if you don't have your beard in halfway decent shape now, it's probably too late. That shit doesn't just happen overnight you know. Not a world champion beard and mustache. Fuck no. Those take time and effort. So, don't try to start now and think you'll be all ready to face the London Handlebar Club on their home turf. (That's right, the WBAMC is being held in Brighton, England this year.) I'd just wait for the home field advantage in Anchorage 2009. Because, like the Olympics, the Beard Championships don't come around every year.
If you were wondering why you've felt so anxious lately, that might explain it. What with the World Beard and Moustache Championships coming up in September. 
Dude, everybody's getting ready! It's like the Super Bowl of hair growth, only it's world-fucking-wide, bitch. And if you don't have your beard in halfway decent shape now, it's probably too late. That shit doesn't just happen overnight you know. Not a world champion beard and mustache. Fuck no. Those take time and effort. So, don't try to start now and think you'll be all ready to face the London Handlebar Club on their home turf. (That's right, the WBAMC is being held in Brighton, England this year.) I'd just wait for the home field advantage in Anchorage 2009. Because, like the Olympics, the Beard Championships don't come around every year.
And this year Beard Team USA is totally fucking serious, man. In previous years, the team has simply stressed individuality and self-expression, but this year, the team is gunning for victory! 
And guess what, bitches: Their formula for victory just might include YOU! Do you have a kick-ass moustache? And do you also love America? Well, what are you waiting for, Jack? Don't keep that lip-warmer to yourself. Go trans-Atlantic with your moustache rides T-shirt, and maybe also help BTUSA bring home the gold...or whatever the hell the awards are. Because they really need moustaches this year. They really want to beat the Handlebar Club, but even more so, they want to beat the Germans (stand in line, right?), who started this whole World Beard and Moustache Championship.
What's that? You're not familiar with the history of this awesome event? Let me quote the WBAMC website:
In 1990, the First Höfener Beard Club (1. Höfener Bartclub) organized and hosted the first World Beard and Moustache Championships in its hometown Höfen/Enz, Germany, a small village in the Black Forest. In 1995, the same club hosted the second World Beard and Moustache Championships in the nearby city of Pforzheim.
In 1997, the championships moved to Trondheim, Norway, where they were organized by the Norwegian Moustache Club (Den Norske Mustaschklubben), headquartered in Trondheim.
The Swedish Moustache Club (Svenska Mustaschklubben) followed in 1999, organizing the championships in Ystad, at the extreme southern end of Sweden.
In March, 2001, the Swabian Beard and Moustache Club (Schwäbische Bart- und Schnauzerclub) celebrated its tenth anniversary by hosting the championships in its hometown of Schömberg, Germany.
After that, I think we all know what went down. The WBAMC came to America in 2003 for the first time ever, as part of the annual Nevada Day celebration in Carson City, Nevada. Then back to Germany (Berlin to be exact) in '05. 
I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you don't already know. And it's going to be another two years before we get those international beards on our own turf. To Alaska, where everyone has beards. It's a law there! Grow a beard or get the fuck out. It even says that on the license plates. It's like their version of "Live Free or Die." So, if we're really serious, as Americans, about winning some serious recognition in London, we need to show everyone -- Brits, Germans, Poles, Czechs, Russians, all the famous beard people -- that we can grow it with the best of them.
And if we need any inspiration, all we need to do is visit Beard Team USA's blog, or even the all-encompassing beard-cyclopedia known as All About Beards. How serious are they? They're a dot-org, man. That's almost a dot-edu and wayyyyy better than a dot-com.
Fuck yeah, dawg! Get yer beard on!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)