First of all, I’d like to say I’m still the Decider. You didn’t vote me out. I decidered to go. So there. History will prove that’s how it happened. Just wait. You’ll see.
Now that we got that out of the way, how’s everybody doing? Is it warm enough in here? Good, good. Please take advantage of the taco bar. That came outta my pocket. I mean, the tacos didn’t. Heh-heh. That’d be weird. No. I paid for the taco bar. Because I care. I’m compassionate. Also, because I like tacos. Have you tried that taco that’s wrapped in another taco? That’s American ingenuity! You don’t see one of those things in Iraq. Or Canada. You can only get something like that in a free country.
And that’s what I’m talking about today. America is a free country. Full of freedoms. All kinds of freedoms. Big freedoms. Little freedoms. Freedoms that you don’t even know you have until someone tries to take ‘em away. Sneaky freedoms, I call ‘em. But you all still have your freedoms because of what I did. No. You don’t have to thank me. I did it because it’s something that I’m good at. I decided to protect your freedoms. And all those things I DECIDED to do helped you have at least one freedom. In some cases, lots of freedoms. And freedoms may not be free, but they come with rewards.
What kind of rewards? Well, check under your seats. That’s right, you all get a car! You get a car! And you get a car! And you get a car! Heh-heh. I love that one. I guess what I’ll miss the most about not being the President any more is watching that Oper show everyday in my pajamas. She’s so wise. I guess that’s why she married that Barack HUSSEIN fella.
What? That’s a different lady? My bad. I have trouble tellin’ those folks apart. Whoa! Take it easy! Now, now, don’t get all upset. By “those folks” I mean “celebrities.” Like Brad Pitt or Jay Leno or Batman. Not regular folks like you and me. Sure, I’m just a regular guy. I helicopter into work just like everybody else. My butler puts my pants on both legs at a time just like regular folks do…in my silver-plated pants closet. I like it in there. It’s so quiet. And it echoes real nice. I do karaoke in there sometimes with Condi. “Islands in the Stream”, “Paradise by the Dashboard Light”, “Ebony & Ivory”, yeah, we got a lot of favorites.
Where was I?
Oh right, Hot Pockets! You all get Hot Pockets today. Just show your press pass to the Marines at the door and they’ll hand you your complimentary Hot Pockets. Please, though, only one per person. I’m not made of Hot Pockets. That’d be pretty cool though, wouldn’t it? If I were a giant Hot Pocket? Kids would really love me then. And everybody would be trying to get a taste of my flaky crust or warm gooey center. Good luck! Not with the Secret Service around, you don’t! They’re sworn to protect President Hot Pocket! Heh-heh.
In conclusion, I was a great president. Also, you’re welcome. It may not seem like I was great, but trust me, I did a great job. And I should know, because I was there. You weren’t, so you don’t know. But there I was, watching me make those decisions and doing those things, and guess what, I did all right. I was probably the best president ever. Heh-heh. But that’s not for me to decide. Or for you to decide. It’s for history to decide. And if history knows what’s good for it, history will tell you I was good.
I'd love to take questions, but you people have always given me the creeps. So instead, I'll just moonwalk out of the room. It's not something I know how to do, but I just decided to do it.
Mission accomplished!
Showing posts with label Bush. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bush. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Good-Bye, Bush!
IN CASE YOU MISSED PRESIDENT BUSH'S FAREWELL SPEECH, I have transcribed it below for your convenience. You're welcome.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
The White House Christmas Video
HARD TO BELIEVE, BUT THEY MADE THIS IN 2008. Drop some acid first, and then enjoy the weird, weird ride.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Peruvian Poncho Party!
SERIOUSLY THOUGH... what the fuck is wrong with this guy?
He's like a three-year-old who finds it impossible not to show how bored or uncomfortable he is in situations that are outside his normal experience. I know that other presidents have had candid photos taken that looked silly, but this is like Photo #4,392 of this fuckin' guy. You can read what he's thinking on his face. It's like, "I hate this poncho. How long do I have to wear this stupid thing? I hope my friends don't see me in this stupid poncho. This stupid poncho is gay."
Look, dude, I know you're in Peru and you have to wear this poncho and it's not really your style and all of that. But, for what it's worth, you're the president. Not for much longer, true. But you are the president.
Sheesh!
He's like a three-year-old who finds it impossible not to show how bored or uncomfortable he is in situations that are outside his normal experience. I know that other presidents have had candid photos taken that looked silly, but this is like Photo #4,392 of this fuckin' guy. You can read what he's thinking on his face. It's like, "I hate this poncho. How long do I have to wear this stupid thing? I hope my friends don't see me in this stupid poncho. This stupid poncho is gay."
Look, dude, I know you're in Peru and you have to wear this poncho and it's not really your style and all of that. But, for what it's worth, you're the president. Not for much longer, true. But you are the president.
Sheesh!
Monday, November 3, 2008
How To Know If The Fix Is In
I LIVE IN LOS ANGELES, and I have many lefty friends, many who are way more left than me. So for the past eight years, I've heard a lot of -- oh, let's call them -- "election shenanigans" stories. About how Florida was fixed in 2000, about how Ohio was fixed in 2004. And how the wheels are in motion for McCain to steal it this year.
Now, for the most part, I don't believe a lot of these paranoid musings. Not that I don't think the Republicans will do anything (and I do mean anything) to win the White House. I must also confess that I have confidence Obama will win. At various times during this race I have threatened to make a $2,000 bet with my friend Brooke. She fully believes the Republicans will find another way to steal an election this year and I think Obama's a lock because McCain is essentially a terrible choice for president. So I have, on several occasions, bet her $2,000 that Obama would win. She has not taken this bet.
{Editor's note: My wife has, in no uncertain terms, forbidden me from making such silly bets as these. Not that I can afford them in the first place. And rightly so. I mostly made the bet because I knew Brooke wouldn't take it.}
Also, I don't think the election was stolen in 2004. (Regardless of what happened in Ohio.) I just think Kerry was a profoundly terrible choice for president. A man so anti-charismatic as to make Michael Dukakis shine like a newly minted penny in comparison. We all just rallied behind Kerry and thought he was a good candidate because we all hated Bush so much. But in the clear focus of retrospectacles, we can all see how silly it was that we thought that guy could win. How terrible was Kerry? Bush barely beat him. That's how bad he was. He was bad enough to convince people that Bush was a better choice.
So now we've got Obama vs. McCain, and if you consider the past half-dozen elections as popularity contests, with the most popular boy in school winning, you'll understand why I think Obama will win.
Look, America loves pretty people and loves a winner. Obama is more handsome and charismatic than McCain. Also, he seems to be winning. And just like people who have never been to Yankee Stadium wear Yankees apparel because it makes them part of a winning team (or at least it did in the late '90s), people hate to "waste" their vote by voting for a loser. Look at the historical record.
1984 -- Ronald Reagan, a movie star vs. Walter Mondale, a cartoon character. Result: Reagan won by a landslide.
1988 -- George H.W. Bush, a congenial-looking man (with a dark, dark soul) vs. Michael Dukakis, another cartoon character, this one with crazy eyebrows. Result: Bush wins by a landslide.
1992 -- Bill Clinton, a young handsome devil vs. President Bush, the incumbent vs. Ross Perot, an even more hilarious cartoon character. Result: Clinton wins decisively. Perot sinks into hilarious obscurity and/or gigantic piles of money.
1996 -- President Clinton, the incumbent vs. Bob Dole, a charming old war veteran who seemed a little weird. Result: Clinton wins re-election, and still remains generally popular despite getting blown by an intern and lying about it.
2000 -- George W. Bush, an idiot man-child remade as a plain-talkin' regular guy vs. Al Gore, a handsome candidate whose speeches instantly put people to sleep. Result: A very close race (both men were handsome!) but Bush wins.
2004 -- President Bush, the incumbent vs. John Kerry, a boring version of Frankenstein. Result: four more years of sadness.
And now...
2008 -- Barack Obama, a young, handsome African-American man vs. John McCain, a charming old war veteran who seems a little weird. Result: see Bob Dole.
But all that is not to say that Karl Rove and the minions of Sauron cannot pull off an upset. So, remember this number:
If McCain wins by that number, you will know the fix is in.
How did I come by this number? Was it some advanced algorithm? No, of course not. I decided on this number arbitrarily. But there it is anyway. If the election goes to McCain by 51.4%, we will all know we have been robbed. So stay sharp, people. And vote as often as you can.
But for the record, I still believe Obama will win by a landslide. That it will be an early night. That McCain will suffer an embarrassing loss. That's what I believe. That is my prediction. But, as many of you know, my mental powers are a dubious gift at best.
Now, for the most part, I don't believe a lot of these paranoid musings. Not that I don't think the Republicans will do anything (and I do mean anything) to win the White House. I must also confess that I have confidence Obama will win. At various times during this race I have threatened to make a $2,000 bet with my friend Brooke. She fully believes the Republicans will find another way to steal an election this year and I think Obama's a lock because McCain is essentially a terrible choice for president. So I have, on several occasions, bet her $2,000 that Obama would win. She has not taken this bet.
{Editor's note: My wife has, in no uncertain terms, forbidden me from making such silly bets as these. Not that I can afford them in the first place. And rightly so. I mostly made the bet because I knew Brooke wouldn't take it.}
Also, I don't think the election was stolen in 2004. (Regardless of what happened in Ohio.) I just think Kerry was a profoundly terrible choice for president. A man so anti-charismatic as to make Michael Dukakis shine like a newly minted penny in comparison. We all just rallied behind Kerry and thought he was a good candidate because we all hated Bush so much. But in the clear focus of retrospectacles, we can all see how silly it was that we thought that guy could win. How terrible was Kerry? Bush barely beat him. That's how bad he was. He was bad enough to convince people that Bush was a better choice.
So now we've got Obama vs. McCain, and if you consider the past half-dozen elections as popularity contests, with the most popular boy in school winning, you'll understand why I think Obama will win.
Look, America loves pretty people and loves a winner. Obama is more handsome and charismatic than McCain. Also, he seems to be winning. And just like people who have never been to Yankee Stadium wear Yankees apparel because it makes them part of a winning team (or at least it did in the late '90s), people hate to "waste" their vote by voting for a loser. Look at the historical record.
1984 -- Ronald Reagan, a movie star vs. Walter Mondale, a cartoon character. Result: Reagan won by a landslide.
1988 -- George H.W. Bush, a congenial-looking man (with a dark, dark soul) vs. Michael Dukakis, another cartoon character, this one with crazy eyebrows. Result: Bush wins by a landslide.
1992 -- Bill Clinton, a young handsome devil vs. President Bush, the incumbent vs. Ross Perot, an even more hilarious cartoon character. Result: Clinton wins decisively. Perot sinks into hilarious obscurity and/or gigantic piles of money.
1996 -- President Clinton, the incumbent vs. Bob Dole, a charming old war veteran who seemed a little weird. Result: Clinton wins re-election, and still remains generally popular despite getting blown by an intern and lying about it.
2000 -- George W. Bush, an idiot man-child remade as a plain-talkin' regular guy vs. Al Gore, a handsome candidate whose speeches instantly put people to sleep. Result: A very close race (both men were handsome!) but Bush wins.
2004 -- President Bush, the incumbent vs. John Kerry, a boring version of Frankenstein. Result: four more years of sadness.
And now...
2008 -- Barack Obama, a young, handsome African-American man vs. John McCain, a charming old war veteran who seems a little weird. Result: see Bob Dole.
But all that is not to say that Karl Rove and the minions of Sauron cannot pull off an upset. So, remember this number:
If McCain wins by that number, you will know the fix is in.
How did I come by this number? Was it some advanced algorithm? No, of course not. I decided on this number arbitrarily. But there it is anyway. If the election goes to McCain by 51.4%, we will all know we have been robbed. So stay sharp, people. And vote as often as you can.
But for the record, I still believe Obama will win by a landslide. That it will be an early night. That McCain will suffer an embarrassing loss. That's what I believe. That is my prediction. But, as many of you know, my mental powers are a dubious gift at best.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Spam-A-Lot, Week 10
ARE YOU READY TO HAVE YOUR MIND BLOWN by this week’s chart? And I’m not just talking about the 725 emails, an increase in traffic of more than 23%, including 430 Boner Meds (for a BMS of 59%). What I’m really talking about is the information received from another dimension. The dimension in which President Bill Klinton was a proud user of Viagra, and the “great sexual scandal known as Klinton-Levinsky” only served to raise Klinton’s popularity.
As the email explained: “It’s a natural phenomenon, because Bill as a real man in order not to shame himself when he was with Monica regularly used Viagra. What happened you see :) His political figure became more courageous and more attractive. Women all over the world made out in her person not only the president of the USA, but the man!!! It is very important for a man to be respected as a man.”
I wonder if in that dimension someone other than George Bush is president or if it’s just a smarter, less mean version of him (Jorge Busch?) who’s in charge.
Something to ponder while you dig into a spicy basket of Chart!
SPAM WATCH WEEK TEN
725 emails
BMS = 59% (down 5%)
((1/1)) -- 430 Boner Medication (113 VPXL, 74 Viagra/Cialis, 41 MegaDick)
((2/2)) -- 107 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((3/3)) -- 33 Rolex/Luxury Replica Watches
((4/4)) -- 24 Online Casino
((5/6)) -- 17 OEM Software
((6/10)) -- 14 Validate Your Identity (3 CitiBank, 3 Wells Fargo, 2 Commerce Bank)
((7/5)) -- 13 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((8/7)) -- 12 We Will Approve Your Loan
((9/8)) -- 9 Foreign Gibberish
((10/10)) -- 8 Improve Your Health
((10/14)) -- 8 Weight Loss/Anatrim
((12/10)) -- 6 Stop Smoking
((12/14)) -- 6 Dating Site: Interested Ladies/You Have Messages
((12/-)) -- 6 Earn Your Degree
((15/13)) -- 4 Buy Shoes
((15/16)) -- 4 Get Out of Debt Free
((15/16)) -- 4 Xmas Gifts
((18/16)) -- 3 View My Profile/Pictures/Vote For Me
((18/16)) -- 3 Pheromones
((18/-)) -- 3 I Love Thee
((21/-)) -- 2 I Dream of You
((21/-)) -- 2 Kisses Through Email
((23/16)) -- 1 Payday Loan
((23/16)) -- 1 Human Growth Hormone
((23/-)) -- 1 Employee Search
((23/-)) -- 1 Want to Make Huge Money?
((23/-)) -- 1 When I’m With You
((23/-)) -- 1 Heavenly Love
((23/-)) -- 1 Teach Your Woman Obediency
KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week
As the email explained: “It’s a natural phenomenon, because Bill as a real man in order not to shame himself when he was with Monica regularly used Viagra. What happened you see :) His political figure became more courageous and more attractive. Women all over the world made out in her person not only the president of the USA, but the man!!! It is very important for a man to be respected as a man.”
I wonder if in that dimension someone other than George Bush is president or if it’s just a smarter, less mean version of him (Jorge Busch?) who’s in charge.
Something to ponder while you dig into a spicy basket of Chart!
SPAM WATCH WEEK TEN
725 emails
BMS = 59% (down 5%)
((1/1)) -- 430 Boner Medication (113 VPXL, 74 Viagra/Cialis, 41 MegaDick)
((2/2)) -- 107 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((3/3)) -- 33 Rolex/Luxury Replica Watches
((4/4)) -- 24 Online Casino
((5/6)) -- 17 OEM Software
((6/10)) -- 14 Validate Your Identity (3 CitiBank, 3 Wells Fargo, 2 Commerce Bank)
((7/5)) -- 13 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((8/7)) -- 12 We Will Approve Your Loan
((9/8)) -- 9 Foreign Gibberish
((10/10)) -- 8 Improve Your Health
((10/14)) -- 8 Weight Loss/Anatrim
((12/10)) -- 6 Stop Smoking
((12/14)) -- 6 Dating Site: Interested Ladies/You Have Messages
((12/-)) -- 6 Earn Your Degree
((15/13)) -- 4 Buy Shoes
((15/16)) -- 4 Get Out of Debt Free
((15/16)) -- 4 Xmas Gifts
((18/16)) -- 3 View My Profile/Pictures/Vote For Me
((18/16)) -- 3 Pheromones
((18/-)) -- 3 I Love Thee
((21/-)) -- 2 I Dream of You
((21/-)) -- 2 Kisses Through Email
((23/16)) -- 1 Payday Loan
((23/16)) -- 1 Human Growth Hormone
((23/-)) -- 1 Employee Search
((23/-)) -- 1 Want to Make Huge Money?
((23/-)) -- 1 When I’m With You
((23/-)) -- 1 Heavenly Love
((23/-)) -- 1 Teach Your Woman Obediency
KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week
Monday, November 26, 2007
Dick Problems
BIG NEWS FROM WASHINGTON TODAY, Vice-President Dick Cheney was taken to the hospital for an irregular heartbeat. Which is a little confusing, isn't it? I thought you needed a heart for that.
Oh no I didn't!
Oh yes I did.
I just snapped the VP.
Take that, O Dark One!
Oh no I didn't!
Oh yes I did.
I just snapped the VP.
Take that, O Dark One!
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Me Answering Questions Now!
IT HAS BEEN SIX YEARS since President Bush asked America, "Is our children learning?" And it has been a long wait for the answer. But finally today in New York City, while adressing a roomful of elementary school students, our Education President, who has promised to leave no child behind, answered that thorny question.
"Childrens do learn," Bush said, "when standards are high and results are measured."
It is a relief. I am so happy for the childrens! All of those childrens! Them will be glad to find out that them's hard work were not in vain.
But don't worry. If this makes you feel a little embarrassed about our Commander in Chief, the official transcript of the event was edited so as to be grammatically correct.
See how awesome history is when you can change it?
"Childrens do learn," Bush said, "when standards are high and results are measured."
It is a relief. I am so happy for the childrens! All of those childrens! Them will be glad to find out that them's hard work were not in vain.
But don't worry. If this makes you feel a little embarrassed about our Commander in Chief, the official transcript of the event was edited so as to be grammatically correct.
See how awesome history is when you can change it?
Monday, June 4, 2007
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