For An Original Glow

ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES! When you need a glow, a glow you can TRUST. Go to the original.

Exactly What The Beatles Had in Mind

DON'T FORGET: you're an idiot who doesn't understand how to do simple tasks around the house without endangering yourself or others.



{from Dave}

Does Almost None of the Things a Spider Can

I'VE GOT A BAD FEELING about this new Spider-Man reboot.

Olde Tyme Dating

HERE ARE SOME CLASSIC VIDEO DATING TAPES from the '80s. Please enjoy! Also, for fun, try to pick out the non-serial killer in the montage. (HINT: There is only one.)

Great Moments in Advertising

DO YOUR LADYPARTS STANK? (Hint: The answer is always yes!)

The headline asks that age-old question: "Is a wife to blame, if she doesn't know?" What's this ad about? How to cook? How to behave in the sack? How to change the oil? No! Sadly, what is being discussed is the cleanliness of a lady's vagina.



The first paragraph answers the headline with: "Yes! She's decidedly to blame. Because in this age of enlightenment and frankness there's no excuse for ignorance of facts on proper intimate feminine cleanliness which often can mean so much to womanly charm, health and happiness. There's no excuse for ignorance of what to put in her douche."

Wow. the husband's expression says it all. It says, "Something is horribly wrong with your vagina! I'm going back to the office, and my secretary's more hospitable ladyparts! When I get back -- if I get back -- your pleasure-palace better be clean enough to eat off of...not that I'd do that, naturally. Because that is disgusting and barbaric!

Oh No! CalBird Are Breaking Up!

SHOCKING NEWS IN THE SPORTS WORLD! Jockey Calvin Borel announced that, for the Preakness, he will not be riding Mine That Bird, the 50-1 shot that he rode to victory in the Kentucky Derby. Here's hoping Borel is planning to just run the race himself. I for one believe it is well past time that someone in that tired old sport broke the species barrier. To think that only a pony can win those contests is literally racist.

Blame It on Prop. 8

I GUESS IF THEY COULDN'T GET MARRIED, THEY COULDN'T STAY TOGETHER.

Would You Buy a House From This Man?

WELL, WOULD YOU?



You know, if Moist is really your last name, maybe you shouldn't name your business after yourself. It's just too...well...upsetting. Also, don't name your business after you if your last name is Dinosaur.



By the way, those two businesses are next door to one another in Calimesa, California.

I'm Worried About Archie & Jughead

AND NOT JUST BECAUSE THEIR RELEVANCE IS QUESTIONABLE. Mostly I'm worried because I don't think that Archie knows how Jughead really feels about him.



It's a little hard to read, but Archie is saying, "Jug, where did you say those knockout girls were?" You see, Jughead has distracted Archie's attention so that he can "gobble his cone." I know Freud has said, "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar." But I think we all know that an ice cream cone is NEVER just an ice cream cone. For instance, is Carmen Electra just innocently trying to enjoy a cool summer treat here?



No, I don't think she is. The imagery is the same, and the message is clear.

Oh, poor Jughead. He can never be honest about his true feelings. He's stuck in Riverdale, a town that remains locked in the '50s. So he displaces his romantic feelings for Archie onto food. According to Wikipedia (the most accurate source of information on the planet), Jughead "demonstrates very little interest in girls, claiming to like food better."

Later in that same Wikipedia entry (and why would the Internet lie?), Jughead is quoted. "No girl is going to make me happy!" Jughead declares. "I'll never eat again!"

And yet he continues to eat. In fact, he gorges himself constantly. Why? Because there's an emptiness inside that can never be filled. An unrequited love. For his redheaded best friend.

It's sad really. It's like Brokeback Mountain. Only with cartoon characters.

The Ol' Tooth in the Eye Gag

SURE! IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE! Why wouldn't you want a tooth in your eye? Everybody knows teeth are good for your eyes!

Coincidence?

I JUST SAW THE TRAILER for the Alvin & the Chipmunks movie. And now I want to kill myself.

The two things might not be related. But I'm not convinced.

We Need To Talk

IT'S REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE TO HAVE THIS TALK, but I feel like we need to. Just you and me. I think you should break up with your abusive boyfriend. I'm talking to you, America, because I'm really really concerned. I just don't think it's healthy anymore, this relationship. And, frankly, I think your boyfriend, China, is trying to kill you.

First he tried to poison your pets with melamine-laced food. Then he put poison in your toothpaste. And then he put lead paint all over the toys you buy for your kids.

Those three things in themselves seem sorta crazy, don't you think?

I know, I know, you still think he's great, and he's got such great potential, and I probably just don't "get him" like you do. I know that's how you feel. I totally understand. And no, I'm not jealous. I don't wish I was in a relationship with China. I really don't. I'm just trying to talk to you as a friend.

Because now China's coming for your kids again, wanting to smother them with adorable toy shelves. And if that doesn't work -- and I know this will sound totally crazy, but I'm really not making it up -- China wants to date rape your kids.

Yes, I realize this sounds crazy. But I am not making it up.

Ok, ok, fine. Don't believe me. And just keep believing that China is still good for you and believing how great this relationship could be. But don't say I didn't warn you.

Mmmm, Coffee

DISCONTINUED STARBUCKS COFFEE FLAVORS
Shrimp
Taco salad
Perfume
Pennies
Newborn baby
Tea
Water
Loneliness

Everything I Know, I Learned From The Simpsons

IT MIGHT BE TIME to officially declare Heather Mills "bat-shit crazy." Up to this point, I've just thought she was kind of a mean lady and left it at that. And like most people, I watched her on "Dancing With The Stars" sorta, kinda hoping to see her high-kick her prosthesis into the crowd. Sure, who didn't? And of late she's said some weird-ass shit regarding her split from The Cute Beatle. But this really takes the cake.

Are you ready? I'm not sure you are, but here goes.

In order to combat global warming, Heather Mills, a vegan, wants people to drink rats' milk or dogs' milk.

Wha?

I mean, what the?

I mean, wait a second, this is straight out of a Simpsons episode. The one where Homer becomes a bodyguard for Mayor Quimby and finds out that Quimby is allowing Fat Tony to supply the schools with rats' milk, instead of milk from cows. It also features a hilarious turn by Mark Hamill playing a sad version of himself singing "Luke Be a Jedi Tonight" (to the tune of "Luck Be a Lady Tonight"), but I digress.

Here's the logic from the crazy lady herself: "Eighty per cent of global warming comes from livestock and deforestation. I'm not telling people to go vegan overnight. But if they stop drinking their cows' milk lattes, maybe this sort of thing won't have to happen."

Okay. I can be on board with this so far. At least theoretically. But there's more!

"There are many other kinds of milk available. Why don't we try drinking rats' milk and dogs' milk?"

Hmmm. Why don't we try drinking rats' milk? Wow. First of all, I think it is fan-fucking-tastic that someone actually said this and meant it. But let's just address some of the really crazy aspects of all this.

ONE: This is being said by a VEGAN. Normally, vegans aim to move people away from using any animal products at all. Instead, this one is suggesting we shift from cows to rats...and dogs. It's a little bit like a vegan saying, "Don't eat a hamburger! Eat a kitten instead!"

TWO: Global warming comes from livestock and deforestation. So, let's turn rats into livestock so that we can harvest and process their milk and save the planet? I mean, her idea might work...if there were giant pools of naturally occurring rats' milk and dogs' milk just lying about. (And who hasn't had that magnificent dream?)

THREE: Why am I even breaking this down? Holy shit! Rats' milk? Are you fucking crazy, lady? Wait! I know the answer to that. Yes! You are!

Cute Cats Are Creepy People

JUST BECAUSE TWO CATS SLEEP CLOSE TOGETHER, doesn't necessarily mean they are the best of friends. Take, for example, the cats in the picture on the right, Myrna and Mr. Andy Chang. Despite the May-December quality of their relationship, Andy (the black and white cat) loves Myrna. Andy is convinced their age difference is no impediment. But Myrna does not want to be Maude to Andy's Harold. There is nowhere in the apartment that Myrna can go that Andy will not follow. Myrna tried to get a restraining order on Andy, but the judge said no. So, Andy just waits till she sleeps and then curls up next to her. If they were people, it would be creepy. But since they're cats, it's cute.