LOOK OUT, NERDS! Especially in the Pittsburgh area. Google Maps is watching you and your friends do your Live Action Role Playing in the empty lot at 8 Sampsonia Way.
Of all the embarrassing things to get caught doing by the GooglePatrol, this might be my favorite. These two poor bastards never saw it coming. They were just trying to get their chaotic neutral melee on. Whoops! I just made a reference that only D&D players would understand. Who's the nerd now, huh?
The answer is still: those two guys in Pittsburgh.
IF YOU THINK PLAYING GUITAR HERO IS SAD, because it's not a real instrument and because it's just a dumb toy that anyone, regardless of musical talent, can play...I would like to introduce you to Beamz, the saddest device yet created.
Before you watch the MOST EMBARRASSING VIDEO ON THE PLANET, you should be warned: Watching this video may cause intense sadness and a palpable decrease in your will to live. You cannot watch this video and be unmoved. And unfortunately, the only way this video can move you is toward depression and despair. Now...begin:
Isn't that awesome! You can "jam" with your friends! Or should it be "friendz"? Going to the Beamz website only increases the sadness. The cost of "jamming" alone to generically created song loops is $400, which means that the two douchebagz who were totally rocking out together, shelled out nearly a grand to do so.
But your $400 gets you the Beamz system, the software and a music library of "30 original works in a variety of musical genres including rock, jazz, blues, reggae, country, hip hop, Latin and classical." So you can rock out to such awesome songz as "Noizscape," "Got Beatz," Good Ol' Boy," " Jack-n-the-Beamz" (there are a lot of things spelled with Z's here).
If you want to expand your library of songs, the Beamz website offers 28 other songs at the awesome cost of $1.99 apiece. And let's face it, who wouldn't want to pay two bucks each for generic jamz like "Get'n Chilly," "Boogaloop," "Chronic Tronic," "Funk Doctor," "Phresh" and "Rock Da Haus"? For $2.99, you can add "hit songz" (this time, the Z is all theirs, I did not add it for comic effect). Beamz offers a wide variety (18 songs) including Kanye West's "Good Life", Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl" and "Funkytown" by Lipps, Inc. Sure, five of those 18 songs are "in the style of" jamz, not the actual songz at all. But maybe you're this guy...
Yeah, if you're that guy, is the integrity of the music really gonna matter? Probably not.
IT'S REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE TO HAVE THIS TALK, but I feel like we need to. Just you and me. I think you should break up with your abusive boyfriend. I'm talking to you, America, because I'm really really concerned. I just don't think it's healthy anymore, this relationship. And, frankly, I think your boyfriend, China, is trying to kill you.
First he tried to poison your pets with melamine-laced food. Then he put poison in your toothpaste. And then he put lead paint all over the toys you buy for your kids.
Those three things in themselves seem sorta crazy, don't you think? I know, I know, you still think he's great, and he's got such great potential, and I probably just don't "get him" like you do. I know that's how you feel. I totally understand. And no, I'm not jealous. I don't wish I was in a relationship with China. I really don't. I'm just trying to talk to you as a friend.
Because now China's coming for your kids again, wanting to smother them with adorable toy shelves. And if that doesn't work -- and I know this will sound totally crazy, but I'm really not making it up -- China wants to date rape your kids.
Yes, I realize this sounds crazy. But I am not making it up.
Ok, ok, fine. Don't believe me. And just keep believing that China is still good for you and believing how great this relationship could be. But don't say I didn't warn you.
SO YOU THOUGHT PARTS OF THE OSCAR BROADCAST WERE AWKWARD? The crazy shadow puppet dancers were weird and pointless and (dare I say?) boring. Maybe you just need a little perspective. Or as Fletch once said: "Maybe you need a refresher course."
There now. Don't you feel better about the shadow puppets? Or do I need to dig up the footage of Ann Reinking singing Phil Collins's Oscar-nominated "Take a Look at Me Now" while Phil sat in the audience puzzled and incredibly uncomfortable?
