When Did You Say?

ADVERTISERS ARE ALWAYS CREATING PROBLEMS SO THEY CAN SOLVE THEM. In the case of the following product, the advertisers in question have created a question that has never been asked, just so they can answer it with their product. The question:

When would I use something called "My Inside Cleaner"?



The answer, which seems so obvious in retrospect, is: when stinks. Of course! It's all so clear to me now!

Thank you, Engrish.com. Thank you, very much.

When You Really Love Potato Salad

WHAT'S THE BEST PART ABOUT FRIENDS? Well, if you ask me, one of the best parts is the little surprise gifts they send you every now and again. Like this video my friend Krafft sent. I have no idea where it's from, perhaps a musical about side dishes? It's hard to say. It all seems pretty normal. But stick with it. Until the ladies stop singing and start dancing.

Or should I say "dancing."



Obviously, this song was just an excuse to get the three women to show how super bendy they are. It does leave the viewer with a lot of questions. Firstly, what are these ladies phone numbers and are they available. Hello! Wait, what's that? They're all grandmas now, and deceased to boot? What a ripoff! Also, a barn? Seriously? So, potato salad + contortionists + barn = success?

And people talk about the golden age of cinema.

I am NOT being sarcastic. I totally mean that this clip is an example of how awesome film used to be and how stupid and lame the art of cinema is right now. I mean, where are the films that have contortionists singing about food? I can't believe that we've said everything that can be said about food, especially from the perspective of a trio of contortionists.

Ladies, You Know It's Right!

DON'T KNOW WHY they don't run these ads any longer. All the ad claims is that YOUR GUY is your NUMBER ONE reason for using Midol. It seems totally reasonable to me. Certainly every lady knows that in order to be a proper lady you HAVE TO put your guy ahead of your own happiness and comfort. The ad also reminds ladies of the inherent duality of their nature, that the less than perfect version of you is UNACCEPTABLE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. "Be the you he likes," the ad says. "Good to be around, any day of the week."

Because, ladies, he doesn't like you unless you're perfect. And look at him. He's obviously perfect, with his groovy patchwork shirt and magnificently feathered hair. What girl wouldn't want to be with this awesome guy. He wears his gold medallion OUTSIDE of his shirt, just like they show you in the fashion magazines!

And just in case you weren't paying attention 45 words earlier, the ad wraps up with, "When you feel good, you're good to be around. So use Midol. You've got a beautiful reason." The beautiful reason has NOTHING to do with you, of course (because you couldn't possibly be the agent of your own happiness). The beautiful thing is THIS GUY, the only thing in this world that can make you feel complete. Sure, he just fucked some chick he met in acting class, but that didn't mean anything. Besides, YOU were having your period, and, as a result, you were NOT "good to be around." It's really your fault that he ended up with that chick from his acting class. Oh yeah, and also that girl from the bookstore the day before.

Shit, does he have to tell you EVERYTHING? Get off his back already and work on being "good to be around." Wow!

You know what would really make you awesome? If you took Midol from the '60s. Yeah, that's more like it. Take some Midol and get totally gay. That'd be awesome. Then maybe you and that actress and the chick from the bookstore could, you know, get together and whatever. Just relax, right? Maybe have a pillow fight or something? Shit, I don't know what girls like. I may not even really like girls. I'm too busy making sure my part is straight and that my medallion didn't accidentally slip inside my shirt. I'm beautiful. Don't ever forget that. Now excuse me, I've got to grow a mustache. Because I'm a man. A beautiful, beautiful man.