Are You Hungry For Entertainment?

MY NEPHEW AND I JUST INVENTED A NEW TV SHOW. During a conversation on the instant messenger. It's kind of like the new competitive eating series the Food Network is developing, called Eat The Clock. (That is a real show, by the way.) The idea we came up with is like that show crossed with another popular game show.

Here's how the conversation went down. I told my nephew I was now the boss of him, a charge which he denied. And he typed in "holy crap mean." Which I think was supposed to be "holy crap, man," but I read it as "holy crab meat." My nephew said he would totally eat that sandwich.

Me: Are you trying to be on that hot new game show? EAT THAT SANDWICH!

My nephew: I would be like Let's Make a Deal where nobody actually wins the grand prize.

Me: Nope....they just eat a sandwich. As America watches.

My nephew: Hmmmmmmm. Could it be like Eat That Sandwich Better Than a 5th Grader?

Me: Ha. That's even better.

My nephew: I'd go to try-outs.

So there it is. Get ready for the debut of Can You Eat a Sandwich Better Than a 5th Grader? Trust me. Whether my nephew and I make the show or not, it's going to happen.

The Results of My Tests

IT'S A MIXED BAG, if you ask me. I guess it's mostly positive. Depends on whether the whole class is being graded on a curve.




I think both test results show I'm a strong person mentally and physically. Feel free to test yourself here and here.

News of the Obvious

STOP THE PRESSES, MR. & MRS. AMERICA! It turns out that kids don't like clowns!

What? I mean, seriously. What? According to the story on the Internet today, children and even older kids are scared of clowns. "We found that clowns are universally disliked by children," a researcher from the University of Sheffield said. "Some found them quite frightening and unknowable."

Frightening and unknowable? What is frightening or unknowable about this?



And I suppose this is frightening too?



And this?



What could kids possibly find off-putting about any of those images? The crazy hair, the freakish makeup, the drunken demeanor? I suppose next you'll be telling me that kids don't like being shaken to sleep, or that they find the movies of David Lynch to be disconcerting and inscrutable.

Well, I guess I just don't know kids at all.

Save Our Kids!

YOUR KIDS MAY BE IN DANGER, and you don't even know it. According to a headline I found on CNN.com just yesterday, there's a new threat to the youth of our nation, a potentially debilitating malady called "Mira Sorvino."


I think it's Latin for "silent sight" or something like that, which sounds possibly painful and, at the very least, inconvenient. Now, I don't really know what that means, or even how this disease works, but I agree with CNN. We should totally help kids affected by Mira Sorvino. Because if they are left untreated, these kids will grow up to become Adults With Mira Sorvino.

And at that point, it may be too late to do anything for them. Or for us.