The Beards Go On

I AM ON STRIKE. I don't mean this in any hyperbolic way. I mean it literally. As a member of the Writers Guild of America, I have been on strike since the beginning of November. If you don't know exactly what we're striking for, just read the papers and believe what the producers and studio execs are saying. (Because why would they lie?)

We are striking to destroy Hollywood.

Once we have accomplished that, we'll go back to what we normally do. For me and more than half of the WGA members, that means going back to being an unemployed writer. Trust me, it's wayyyyy more dignified than "striking writer." Also, it requires far less exercise, but (luckily) the same amount of Xbox.


As it happens, I made a decision during the first week of the strike that I had no idea would be so popular. With people other than my mother, that is. That decision? To put my razor on strike as well, and to grow a "strike beard." More on this particular beard a little later. When I decided to stop shaving, in perhaps my bravest moment as an adult male, I had no idea just how popular my decision would be...until this very evening. The evening of the return of the late night talk show hosts.

Let us for a moment put aside Jay Leno and Craig Ferguson, and speak only of Conan and Dave. Actually, I will not speak. I will let the pictures speak.


Coincidence? That seems unlikely. It must have been design. I must have been in cahoots with Conan and Dave. Or, at the very least, as lazy and unwilling to shave as they were.

Conan even referred to his as a "strike beard," much as I did, mere moments ago in this very blog. So, I was ahead of the curve...or at least exactly in sync with the curve. Okay, I admit that Conan and Dave show an ability to grow a full and complete beard whereas I can't muster much more than a sad adolescent-seeming attempt at facial hair. I admit it. I will also admit that my nephew, who is 23, can grow a fuller more convincing beard, and has been able to do so since he was 17. In fact, he can do it in under a week.

My beard, on the other hand, the beard of a 41-year-old, is still patchy and thin, even after over two months. It is also much grayer than I'd hoped for. As a bonus, it inspired my mother to say, "You look like a terrorist!" So mission accomplished on that front.

All that aside, I feel I'm making my point, as a writer on strike. This beard is a threat, producers, and it's not going away until there's a fair deal on the table.

Yeah! Take THAT!

Spam-A-Lot, Week 5

THERE IS NO WEEK 5. There never was. I don't even know what you're talking about. It's like the 13th floor of a building: it just doesn't exist. Naturally, we'll go from Week 4 to Week 6. Why would that be weird?

It doesn't mean that I deleted a bunch of spam emails and thus was unable to report on Week 5. Of course it doesn't mean that! Why would you even think that? It means something completely different. In fact, it doesn't mean anything at all.

Stop thinking about it. Thinking will just make you unattractive.

File Under: Conan

SORT OF A CHEAP JOKE, but pretty funny nonetheless.

Top Ten Sitcom Episodes

In no particular order

The Mary Tyler Moore Show, Chuckles Bites the Dust
Seinfeld, The Contest
Barney Miller, Hash Brownies
Fawlty Towers, The Germans
Arrested Development, Good Grief!
The Dick Van Dyke Show, It May Look Like a Walnut
The Simpsons, A Streetcar Named Marge
Taxi, Elegant Iggy
Malcolm in the Middle, Mini-Bike
The Office, The Injury

For All the Dads

EVERY YEAR, WHEN FATHER'S DAY ROLLS AROUND, I'm reminded of that classic anti-drug commercial from the late '80s or early '90s. You remember the one: Where the dad confronts the son about the stash of pot he found. (In a cigar box, as I recall. How obvious! No wonder he got busted!) And the dad says, "Where did you learn how to do this?" And the kid breaks and says, angrily, "I learned it from YOU, Dad! I learned it from you!"

Oh, the hilarity!

Anyway, instead of spending my time figuring out what to get my dad (a mind-bending process I must go through twice in two months, since his birthday is at the beginning of August), I've cobbled together this roundup of ideas for celebrating Father's Day, this Sunday (June 16). Be warned, however, that while these suggestions may not pack the poignant punch of the climactic scene of Field of Dreams, where Kevin Costner finally gets in a game of catch with dear old Dad, they're at least as warm and cuddly as the better moments Harrison Ford and Sean Connery spend together in Indiana Jones & the Last Crusade.

If you can't be with your dad, make sure to celebrate him (or any dad, really) in some way this weekend. Put on the tuneful stylings of Gay Dad (doubly perfect as June is also Gay Pride Month), the harder edge of Papa Roach or the folky fiddlin' of Papa John Creach.

If you're not all that fond of your Dad, you might take a moment to learn about the Haitian despot "Papa" Doc Duvalier. Compare. Contrast. Discuss.

If foreign policy isn't your bag, you could get all misty-eyed remembering the drag-racing career of Big Daddy Don Garlits (and visit his website while you're at it) or get teary-eyed at the droll Catholic comedy of Father Guido Sarducci. If you're feelin' all literary 'n shit, pick up a copy of Arthur Kopit's play Oh Dad, Poor Dad, Mama's Hung You in the Closet and I'm Feeling so Sad, or anything by Ernest Hemingway.

Even though you can no longer enjoy the sitcoms Make Room for Daddy, Father Knows Best or even Daddio, don't forget there are plenty of patriarchally themed flicks to rent, from Adam Sandler's Big Daddy to Bill Cosby's Ghost Dad. There are also good films, such as the classic Cary Grant-Leslie Caron comedy Father Goose or Father of the Bride (either the Spencer Tracy version or the Steve Martin update).

Whatever you do, give a shoutout to Pops. He deserves it at least once a year.

And never let him forget where you learned it.