Give Yourself a Hand

IT'S REFRESHING TO HEAR SOME GOOD NEWS from the world of science. Usually scientists tell us that, for instance, things we hate to eat are really good for us. Or they tell us once again that what we need to do is exercise more.

Again, it's a tired message. It's common sense. And it is also news we are not happy to hear.

Yesterday, however, scientists finally told me something I was pleased to hear.



And while the story says that what masturbation, check that, frequent masturbation does is help prevent prostate cancer. I prefer to think that the activity I will be doing now at least five to seven times a week is curing cancer.

"Don't open the door, honey, I'm curing cancer!"
"Sorry I was late to work, I was curing cancer."
"Wow, that Jessica Alba really makes me want to cure cancer!"

It's a magical, fantastical future! Jacking off is good for you! It's like finding out that playing Xbox prevents tooth decay. Or that donuts help you lose weight.

I predict a variety of T-shirts will soon be available on the Internet Tubes, with the slogan, "Stroking for a Cure." Or something like that. It seems inevitable.

Now if you'll pardon me...I must fight cancer...single-handedly.

The jokes write themselves!

The Funny Ladies of Funny-ness

I AM SICK AND TIRED of people telling me there are no great comedic actresses any more. To those people, I can only say, "Have you been to a movie lately? Have you even seen a preview lately?" I would posit that we are, in fact, in The Golden Age of Female Comedy.

Disagree with me? What about Jessica Alba, huh? Explain that, genius! In Good Luck Chuck, Jessica falls into a pond AND runs into a light pole! Funny! Also, she knocks a table over spilling stuff onto Dane Cook’s lap! I’m talking, like, ice water…on his man parts! Can you imagine the shrinkage? How funny is that shit!? For further proof, I have posted a hilarious picture of Jessica Alba.

Also, there’s that blonde lady in the new Ben Stiller film The Heartbreak Kid. At first, I was skeptical. I’m no idiot. I don’t just naturally assume an actress is hilarious JUST because she’s hot. So when I saw the first trailers for the film, I wasn’t certain this blonde lady would fall over or knock something breakable off a table. It was like the filmmakers were teasing me. “How could this be a comedy,” I wondered, “if she doesn’t stumble around?” My fears, it turns out, were ill-founded. In later trailers, the new blonde lady falls. Oh boy does she! She falls off a CLIFF! Taller = farther distance = bigger laughs! I don’t even know the lady’s name, but I’m already convinced that she is a comedic genius.

And let's not forget Kate Hudson in How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days! She’s got comedy pedigree. Her mom is Goldie Hawn (Laugh-In, Foul Play, Private Benjamin) and her dad is Bill Hudson (The Hudson Brothers Razzle Dazzle Show). And how did she turn that genetic goldmine into comedy? By falling down and knocking stuff over. A lot! Have you seen that movie? Every ten minutes or so Kate Hudson is tripping or stumbling or knocking something over. In short, she is reminding us how funny she is. And don’t even get me started on the awkward dancing.

Awkward dancing is the other way to tell if you’re in the company of a great comedienne. Think of Cameron Diaz in Charlie’s Angels! She dances awkwardly AND she’s clumsy.

But I’m leaving out the most important tool on the comedic actress’s tool belt: being smokin’ hot AND nearly naked! Because there’s nothing funnier than a hot chick in her underwear. Like the aforementioned awkward dancing in Charlie's Angels. Or that moment in Good Luck Chuck where Jessica Alba gets her skirt torn off accidentally, exposing her cute underwear. Man! I mean, if that’s not comedy, maybe I don’t know what comedy is.

So, please, spare me the belly-aching, lady actors! If you're complaining that there are no great comedic actresses out there, maybe you're just jealous. Also, maybe you're just not hot enough to be funny. Did you ever think of that?

I didn't think so.