File Under: Godzilla's Next Opponent

I'LL SEE YOUR SNUGGIE, and I'll raise you a nightmare.



This is a product that takes the Snuggie/Slanket selling point of "keeping your hands free" and totally says fuck you to that in favor of letting you shamble around like the orange monster from the Bugs Bunny cartoons.

"Sure, having your arms free is nice...I guess. But look at how comfortable I am lying here on my back and crossing my legs! Take that, Snuggie!"

Of course, what we really need is the video of the guy on the floor trying to get up from his prone position without using his arms. Or even better, the video of the walking/shambling guy tripping and trying to keep himself from landing right on his kisser.

One positive thing about this product is how it serves a demographic totally ignored by both Snuggie and Slanket -- perverts who keep people confined in their basements.

Your New Favorite Bear

SOMEONE HAD TO INVENT HIM. It wasn't me. But I sort of wish it had been.



Click for a larger image, and also so you can read the even more confusing small print.

You're welcome, America.

Lars & the Real Lap

ADMITTEDLY, THIS IS OLD NEWS, but I just came across it today during the most innocent of Google image searches, one containing only the word "pillow." On the first page of returned images, second row down, I saw this image of an older Asian man sleeping on the lower torso of a lady in a skirt.

Why, it's the perfect gift for the serial killer who has everything! It's part of a lady! The best part, her lap!

As you can see, there are two options, black miniskirt and red miniskirt, and at about $100, it's a bargain. And it's not just for perverts. And by that I mean, it's not for perverts at all. Right, Makoto Igarashi?

"We created this item to help tired people relax," said Igarashi, the creepy lap pillow maker's managing director.

Sure. "Tired" people. Wink, wink. Like that "tired" guy in the trench coat on the subway? The guy with his hands in his pockets who just moans and stares, because he's so tired? That guy?

Also, wait a second: "to help tired people relax?" Not sleep -- relax. I guess most people have regular pillows to sleep on. What they really need, especially if they're really tired, is a different kind of pillow solely made for relaxation.

Also, wait another second: people? Are you sure you don't just mean men? I'm not entirely convinced that women of all ages also find it relaxing to put their heads in the free-floating laps of young ladies.

But the company is convinced of the product's wholesomeness, even as they explain the attention paid to details such as the softness of the thighs, panty lines on the pillow's "backside" and wrinkles in the lap of the skirt so as to make the pillow look and feel as real as possible. Because, if you're a "tired person," panty lines on the backside of your pillow might make it impossible for you to relax.

I just like to imagine the reaction of a single woman who goes to her new boyfriend's apartment for the first time and finds one of these pillows in front of the TV. I like to think that the woman is at first startled, thinking that she's seeing half of an actual person, and so she screams bloody murder.

"Whoa, whoa, calm down," the boyfriend says, chuckling knowingly. "I know what you're thinking, but I haven't chopped a woman in half and kept her legs and hips in my living room. It's actually a pillow...for tired people to...you know...relax."

They both share a laugh...and then the girlfriend runs out of the apartment screaming.

I also like to think of a family at Christmas, and someone has gotten dad this pillow. He opens it and the room falls silent, as everyone looks at each other. Finally, someone breaks the silence, "What the fuck is that?"

Then the mother begins to cry.

See? It's the perfect gift!

Robots Will Destroy Us!

OR AT THE VERY LEAST, Japanese dancers doing the robot.

Brain Hat

I REALLY CAN'T DECIDE what my favorite news story of this last week is, because there's a lot of weird shit going on right now. I do have five candidates vying for the title of Most Awesome Story of the Week. Here is but one of them.

Japanese Researchers Control Toy Train With Their Brains!
Reasearchers at Hitachi have developed an attractive new helmet they call a "brain-machine interface" that allows the wearer not only to look awesomely nerdy but also to control a toy train just by thinking. Finally! Toy trains will do our bidding! Whatever we think, they will do! It's just like that awesome H.G. Wells story. What was that called again? Oh yeah, "The Man Who Controlled Trains With His Brain (The Toy Ones Not the Big Steam Locomotives...I Mean, Seriously, Control a Steam Locomotive With Your Mind? Even I Think That's a Bit Ridiculous, And I'm H.G. Wells, I Write About All Kinds of Crazy Crap)." I used to love that story.

You're probably wondering, "So how do you make the train go? Do you think forward or go to make the train move and halt or whoa! to make it stop?" Of course not! It's so much easier than that. You either do simple calculations in your head -- 4x2=8, 8x8=64 and like that -- and the train moves forward. When you stop doing them, the train stops! You can also sing a song to make the train go. You could even combine the two and sing a song about calculations to make it go. Might I recommend "Hey Little Twelve Toes" or "Three Is a Magic Number" from Schoolhouse Rock?

My second most favorite part about this story is how the author of the article first mentions that this technology could be used to control TVs, turning them on and off or changing the channels and whatnot. You know, instead of burning all of those additional calories using that heavy and cumbersome TV remote. Only after mentioning that use does the author add how this technology could assist disabled people. Because we should keep our priorities straight people. Let's help the laziest TV watchers first, and then worry about helping those who are actually disabled (or "permanently lazy," as I like to say).

But my most favorite part of this story is how much the "brainhat," as I like to call it, looks like the crazy hi-tech colander Egon Spengler (Harold Ramis) puts on Louis Tully's (Rick Moranis) head in the original Ghostbusters. Oh yeah, many Zuuls knew what it was like to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you!