Clearing Things Up

I'M A LITTLE CONFUSED, so I hope it's okay to ask a simple question.

Is this how sex works?

Some People Love Weather More Than Others

YOU MAY WANT TO STAY INSIDE this weekend. The weather looks particularly big and angry.


"What's my FutureCast, Chet & Susie? Well, in the future, I predict I'm going to have a glowing human-sized boner. Also, governments will fall, animals will do my bidding, I will reign as supreme overlord and you will all be my minions. But, to be honest, what I'm most excited about is the boner."

A Study in Contrasts

IT'S OBVIOUS that the hot banker from Citibank who was fired for being too hot has hired a lawyer based solely on his ability to serve as a point of contrast to her hotness.



"And with her this morning is her lawyer. I don't know his name, but he is obviously half-man, half-toad. Welcome to both of you!"

Two additional things.

One: How many high-fives did the graphics department at CBS News slap after coming up with the "Sex and the Citi" graphic? At least twelve would be my guess.

Two: Listen to the "banker" speak. Listen to her words and sentences. Try to decipher not only what she is saying, but exactly what her accent is. Show your work.

Turn in your blue books at the front of the class and have a great summer!

From the Office of Ben Dover

I FOUND THIS ON BY GOOGLING "NECK PAIN."



I love that someone is suggesting this as a great "office back exercise." Sure, do it in your office. Just don't don't be surprised when your co-workers file reports with HR.

Seriously Though, Yogi Okie Dokie

EVERYONE'S EXPERIENCE IS DIFFERENT. But for me, the discomfort with this video starts with the mom jeans.



{were it not for Nick, I would not be hosting this nightmare}

File Under: Ba-Dunk-A-Dunk

MAN, I REALLY HATE IT when my body image makes the news.



But then again, maybe I do need the reminder that it's time for me to do something about my gigantic puffy red ass.

Medical Breakthrough!

HERE'S A HEADLINE I NEVER THOUGHT I'D READ.

Your Mouth Choices for 2009!

Open
Closed
Plain
Smiley
Frowny
Crooked
Pouty
Regular
Semi-regular
Premium
Toothless
One-toothed
Invisible
Round
Not so round
Flawed
“The Creepy Uncle”
“The Enthusiastic Aunt”
Beloved Pet
Monster (Friendly)

NO LONGER AVAILABLE!!
Smirky
Awkward Grin
Half-Smile
Monster (Deadly)
“The Sour Puss”

Trouble Near Uranus

AND YOU THOUGHT YOUR NEW YEAR WAS OFF TO A BAD START. An elderly woman in Germany is suing a hospital after she checked in for an operation on her leg...and woke up with a new anus. It was unclear in the story whether she was given an additional anus or a new one. The former seems unlikely and therefore more hilarious.

The question that immediately comes to mind, for me anyway, is whether the "new anus" was surgically created or an actual transplant. I've never heard of an anus transplant before, but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

It's a pretty big mixup, especially for the precise and orderly Germans. I know when I had some minor surgery on my leg a few years back that I had to literally write "OK" on my left leg near where they were to operate, to indicate to the surgeon just what was expected of him. And maybe they do that in Germany too. Of course, writing "OK" next to your own anus is not an easy task. Especially if you're expected to write legibly.

Good Work, CNN!

THIS JUST IN! THE NAKED COWBOY predicts a landslide victory for John McCain. Who is the Naked Cowboy, you ask? It's that guy who plays guitar in Times Square wearing only a cowboy hat, underwear and boots. In other words, he's a savvy political pundit with his finger on the pulse of the electorate. And CNN, in their endless quest for substantive news, made sure to interview the Naked Cowboy in Times Square and find out (finally!) what he had to say about this historic election.

"It will be a landslide," the Naked Cowboy said, "McCain." To support his position, he referred to his father in Cincinnati, who is, apparently, wearing seven (count them: SEVEN!) McCain buttons today. That's how enthusiastic his father is for McCain. And that's how enthusiastic the Naked Cowboy is about McCain. Not the the NC is wearing any buttons. (Where would he pin them? Ouch!) But he has plastered his acoustic guitar with McCain/Palin bumper stickers.

Here's his indisputable logic why a landslide victory for McCain is all but assured. "The people that will vote for McCain are people like my father, who are literally at the election booths from 6-10 at night. The people that would vote for Obama might show up. But they're not doing that kind of intensity."

See? Just like everybody else who has been watching this campaign, the Cowboy Sans Culottes has noticed that no one is really that enthusiastic about Obama. Whereas McCain has really energized the electorate in a way no other candidate in recent history has. That's why, according to the Clothing-Optional Cowboy, the numbers are so even between the two candidates. At least according to him. I mean, there aren't really polls that back that up, unless Obama 349, McCain 189 (the current electoral projection) means "even."

But what the fuck do I know about politics? Nothing compared to a guy with his name painted on his ass, right? So, maybe it is an even race right now. Given that's the case, here's the logic behind a McCain landslide. Take it away Nude Guy!

"With the numbers so even, the psychological tendency to go for a sense of security, people will go for McCain."

It sort of makes sense. If you add words to it. And also if you pretend you're retarded.

Well, there's no point in me trashing the guy's political prowess. We'll see who's smarter about politics in a matter of hours.

Wonder Pants

THERE WAS A TIME THAT THIS SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA. I'm sure there was. There must have been, right? That all you needed to do was put on some specialized piece of clothing and -- VOILA! -- the weight would disappear!

That had to be the thinking behind the Wonder Sauna Hot Pants. Why go to a sauna when you can wear one? And be stylish at the same time! Can you think of any better way to reduce your waist, tummy, hips and thighs? If you are one of the "health-watchers of America", whom these pants seem directed at, then there is no better way to "look better -- feel better -- wake up your body!"

Not convinced yet? What if I told you that the Wonder Sauna Hot Pants would help you "slenderize where you want"? (Provided what you wanted to slenderize was your waist, tummy, hips and thighs. Simultaneously.) What if I told you there were easy to inflate? And that they were one size fits all?

Still not convinced? Well, just look at the models. Look how comfortable and sexy they look. Have you ever seen a woman more comfortable in a chair than the model wearing the Wonder Sauna Hot Pants?

I know I haven't.

Marketing Advice

I LOVE ADVERTISING AS MUCH AS THE NEXT GUY. In fact, I do a lot of work in advertising, so, perhaps for the first time on this blog, I feel like I'm actually qualified to talk about the thing I'm about to talk about, which is this pairing of an embedded video and a Google Ad I came across on the Videogum website.



Look. Far be it from me to try to keep someone else from making a living. But I have to say, I'm not sure it's a good marketing ploy to try to win over the cannibal market, even though I know that the latest Zogby poll showed that appearance of their teeth among cannibals' top three concerns, falling just below the health of their teeth (#2) and the tenderness/deliciousness of their friends (#1).

But when you get right down to it, cannibals just don't represent that large a percentage of the population, maybe only one in three or one in four people considers themselves a cannibal. And most of those people, when polled, responded to the question "Do you consider yourself a cannibal?" with the answer "occasionally/socially" or "only when provoked."

I know this all probably makes me sound like a cannibalist, but I honestly feel like Best-Teeth-Whitening.com could be spending its marketing dollar more efficiently.

When You Really Love Potato Salad

WHAT'S THE BEST PART ABOUT FRIENDS? Well, if you ask me, one of the best parts is the little surprise gifts they send you every now and again. Like this video my friend Krafft sent. I have no idea where it's from, perhaps a musical about side dishes? It's hard to say. It all seems pretty normal. But stick with it. Until the ladies stop singing and start dancing.

Or should I say "dancing."



Obviously, this song was just an excuse to get the three women to show how super bendy they are. It does leave the viewer with a lot of questions. Firstly, what are these ladies phone numbers and are they available. Hello! Wait, what's that? They're all grandmas now, and deceased to boot? What a ripoff! Also, a barn? Seriously? So, potato salad + contortionists + barn = success?

And people talk about the golden age of cinema.

I am NOT being sarcastic. I totally mean that this clip is an example of how awesome film used to be and how stupid and lame the art of cinema is right now. I mean, where are the films that have contortionists singing about food? I can't believe that we've said everything that can be said about food, especially from the perspective of a trio of contortionists.

The Ol' Tooth in the Eye Gag

SURE! IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE! Why wouldn't you want a tooth in your eye? Everybody knows teeth are good for your eyes!

Wait, This Is Illegal Now?