Oscar (Knee) Jerk

AFTER READING THE NOMINATIONS THIS MORNING, I wasted no time in predicting my winners...

BEST PICTURE -- Avatar Hollywood loves to congratulate itself. And what better way to do that than to give a Best Picture Oscar to the highest grossing film ever? Does Avatar deserve to be called "Best Picture"? Of course not. But since when is it standard for the actual best film to win?

BEST DIRECTOR -- Kathryn Bigelow Until she won the DGA award, I really thought her ex-husband was going to sweep this statuette up too. But Bigelow wins this year because of two things: Oscar voters love to "do the right thing", even if that means taking nearly a century to finally recognize a female director. And Oscar voters are sexist, by which I mean if The Hurt Locker wasn't a "dude film directed by a lady," Bigelow wouldn't even be mentioned. She had to show she could "direct like a man" before they'd take her seriously.

BEST ACTOR -- Jeff Bridges
BEST ACTRESS -- Sandra Bullock
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS -- Mo'Nique In the acting categories, the early awards really tell the tale.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR -- Christoph Waltz It's sad to think that this will likely be the only award that (easily) the best film of the year will take home on Oscar night. But there is no performance by ANYONE this year as amazing as Waltz's performance.

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE -- Up Pixar wins because...Pixar!

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM -- The White Ribbon Always bet on the Germans.

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY -- The Hurt Locker Inglourious Basterds should win, but for some reason it won't.

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY -- In The Loop It's an upset! People might think Up in the Air will win, but instead this movie that I haven't even seen will! Why do I think that? Mostly because I think Up in the Air is average at best! Hooray!

Let's see how I do.

Please keep in mind that I thought very little about this process, and neither should you. Seriously, don't we have better things to worry about these days?

And, yes, I'm talking about Tough Love and The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love.

Thank You For Helping Us Laugh AND Learn, Hollywood

HELLO, MR. OSCAR? I think I have your next Best Picture!



Thank you, again, Videogum!

Schmoscar!

Every year, after I watch the Oscars, I try to guess what the press will say about whoever hosted the show. Generally, I figure if I liked the host and found them funny, the press will deem that host "not Oscar-appropriate." Mainly based on how much that person is like Billy Crystal, the Oscars all-time favorite host. After that, I like to guess how much the press will blame the host for the low ratings of the show.

The question always asked is, "Why aren't people interested in the Oscars? Why don't people watch?" And after they blame it on the length of the show, they always blame it on the host. The funny thing is, the length of the show NEVER has anything to do with the ratings. The show has always (at least since I've been watching) been a marathon. And the ratings go up and down regardless. Because the main reason people watch the Oscar broadcast is to see how their favorite films did.

Which, I think, is why the ratings continue to go in the dumper. Consider this list of the total box office for the last four years of Best Picture nominees:
2007 -- $357 million
2006 -- $296 million
2005 -- $245 million
2004 -- $405 million
per year average -- $326 million

Seems like a pretty decent take, until you compare that to the previous five years:
2003 -- $725 million
2002 -- $662 million
2001 -- $617 million
2000 -- $636 million
1999 -- $647 million
per year average -- $657 million

Obviously, fewer "regular moviegoers" are seeing the nominated films (half as many as saw the Best Pic nominees in 2003). Therefore, there's less general interest in seeing the major awards, thus fewer Oscar viewers.

Most notably, however, this is the fourth year in a row where NONE of the five Best Picture nominees were among the Top Ten grossing films of that year. Previous to that, it had been a streak of fourteen consecutive years where at least one Best Picture nominee was also in the Top Five in box office receipts. "Well, so what?" you might think. "What does box office have to do with how good a movie is?" The answer to that is "Nothing. Not really."

But if you take a look back in Oscar's past, all the way back to 1980, you'll find that there are only three years in which the Best Picture nominees did not include a Top Five grosser: 1989's Driving Miss Daisy was #8, 1980's Coal Miner's Daughter was #7 and 1984's Amadeus was #12.

Additionally, when you go all the way back to 1980, the number one box office movie of the year has been nominated as Best Picture SEVEN times, winning the big prize FIVE times. (The two times it didn't win? 1998's Saving Private Ryan and 1981's Raiders of the Lost Ark. Sorry Spielberg!)

It is only in recent years that the Oscars have moved drastically away from nominating films for Best Picture that mix critical darlings with public favorites. And the ratings are (understandably) suffering.

Not that I'm suggesting that the top grossing films should duke it out for the Best Picture Oscar. Were that the case, this year's nominees would have been: Spider-Man 3, Shrek the Third, Transformers, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End and Harry Potter & the Order of the Phoenix. Last year's would have been Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest, Night at the Museum, Cars, X-Men: The Last Stand and The Da Vinci Code. And the year before that would have been Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith, The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch & the Wardrobe, Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire, War of the Worlds and King Kong.

Wow. Good stuff.

Lowe Lights

SO YOU THOUGHT PARTS OF THE OSCAR BROADCAST WERE AWKWARD? The crazy shadow puppet dancers were weird and pointless and (dare I say?) boring. Maybe you just need a little perspective. Or as Fletch once said: "Maybe you need a refresher course."

There now. Don't you feel better about the shadow puppets? Or do I need to dig up the footage of Ann Reinking singing Phil Collins's Oscar-nominated "Take a Look at Me Now" while Phil sat in the audience puzzled and incredibly uncomfortable?

Do you really want that?

I didn't think so. Nobody wants that.