Sex Bomb

A TRUE STORY! Police in Syracuse, New York, cleared the Clinton Square area of downtown Syracuse today after discovering a suspicious box left at the base of the park's Civil War monument. Witnesses saw two men leave the box at the monument and walk away. Bomb disposal experts examined it and found it to be harmless, as it turned out to be a metal "Sex and the City" trivia game, very much like this one.



Here are my jokes.

...AFTER FINDING OUT it was just a Sex and the City trivia game, the bomb squad detonated it anyway.
...SAID A SPOKESMAN for the Syracuse police department, "Leaving that game on the monument steps was soooo Samantha!"
...POLICE JUSTIFIED their extreme caution, saying, "When you hear that two men were seen playing a Sex & the City trivia game, it's natural to think that something suspicious is going on."
...IT WAS THE BIGGEST threat to downtown Syracuse since the Hungry Hungry Hippo scare of '72.

Please Stop Terrorism

BY BUYING THIS GUITAR, you will not only combat terrorism...you will defeat it. With rock. And balls. And tasty riffage. But mostly balls.



It is on eBay. It is called the "9/11 Tribute Guitar." And I don't care what you say, there is nothing tasteless about it.

Thanks to Eric for the heads up.

UPDATE! The inscription on the guitar does not read "Unite to Defeat Terrorism." Instead it says "Unite to DEFAT Terrorism." Genius!

Marriage Protection

THE 99 THINGS I MUST PROTECT MY MARRIAGE AGAINST (That are more of a threat to it than gay marriage.)
1. Fire ants
2. Aphids
3. Termites
4. Bed bugs
5. Fleas & ticks
6. Angry bees
7. Slightly annoyed bees
8. Ordinary bees
9. Brown recluse spiders
10. Spiders (all other, especially the kind on the ceiling)
11. Scorpions
12. Robots
13. The West Nile Virus
14. The Rage Virus
15. Any zombie apocalypse
16. The release of yet another apocalyptic film directed by Roland Emmerich. I mean, 2012? The world gets destroyed again? Seriously?
17. Drunk celebrities
18. The Rapture
19. People who perform “Rapture” by Blondie at karaoke
20. People who are really excited to put a “Yes on 8” sign in their yards
21. People who wish they were “brave enough” to put a “Yes on 8” sign in their yards
22. People who said they were voting No on 8…but voted Yes instead
23. Poor spelling
24. Poor drivers
25. Poorly prepared eggs
26. People who come back from two weeks in Europe with an accent
27. An REO Speedwagon reunion tour
28. Body issues
29. Cannibals
30. Spoiled meat
31. The Orc army from Isengard
32. The Nazgul riders
33. Gollum
34. Any of Sauron’s minions
35. Mike Piazza
36. The metric system
37. Psoriasis
38. High blood pressure
39. Low tire pressure
40. People who say “an” before saying “historic”
41. The hopes of orphaned children
42. The unfulfilled dreams of youth
43. The dark schemes of the rich
44. Floods (flash or otherwise)
45. Lightning
46. Wildfires
47. Tornados
48. Tsunamis
49. Hurricanes
50. Earthquakes
51. Youth quakes
52. Ann Coulter’s acid wit & gigantic mannish hands
53. Errant foul balls
54. Shoes that just don’t fit right
55. The Liberal media
56. The Phillie Phanatic
57. Explosive diarrhea
58. Andy Rooney’s homespun humor
59. Bill O’Reilly’s loofah
60. Hugh Grant
61. Any movie starring Meryl Streep
62. Vegetarian gravy
63. Vegans
64. Hippies
65. Monsters (Cloverfield and otherwise)
66. Mind control
67. The return of Knight Rider
68. The original Knight Rider
69. Non-Euclidean geometry
70. Girls who refuse to go wild
71. Parachute pants
72. Stone-washed or acid-washed anything
73. Ties with keyboards printed on them
74. Members Only jackets that, apparently, anyone can own
75. Dinosaurs (re-animated or regular)
76. Non-adorable lions
77. Hungry, hungry hippos
78. Hungry hippos
79. Sated hippos who are nonetheless ill-tempered
80. Incontinence
81. The inability to go, or the inability to stop going
82. Boners that last more than four hours
83. Anxiety
84. Fear
85. Malaise
86. Lack of confidence (also: Confidence)
87. The 2-3 zone
88. The Box & 1
89. Man-to-man D (obviously)
90. Bad stand-up comedy
91. Poorly upholstered furniture
92. People who still imitate Borat
93. Alien attack
94. Mole people uprising
95. The “comedy” of Carlos Mencia
96. The future
97. The past
98. The possibility that our past is actually our future and that in order to save our future we have to destroy the past.
99. The fact that my mind just got totally blown. Holy shit, I’m so fuckin’ high right now!

Mascot Madness!

SINCE I AM TRADITIONALLY TERRIBLE at picking the winners in any NCAA Basketball Tournament Pool, no matter what criteria I apply, I am trying something new this year: Basing my choices on how the actual mascots would fare in a cage match.

Here's how the shit would go down in Round One.

EAST BRACKET
North Carolina Tar Heels vs. Coppin State Eagles or Mount St. Mary’s Mountaineers—A Tar Heel is simply someone with pitch or tar on their heel who hails from North Carolina. Which doesn’t seem particularly threatening by itself. But considering the potential first round opponents, Eagles or Mountaineers, I will assume that the tar is poisonous and give North Carolina a pass into the next round.
WINNER: TAR HEELS!

Indiana Hoosiers vs. Arkansas Razorbacks—When a native of the state of Indiana faces off with a dangerous wild boar, I don’t believe the Hoosier stands much of a chance. He’s an ordinary Indianan. He’s not (apparently) unexpectedly strong or well-armed. He’s just some dude from Indiana. In which case, I believe I have to vote for the Razorback. It could be a close fight, but in the end, I think the wild animal prevails.
WINNER: RAZORBACKS!

Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs. George Mason Patriots—The Irish are fighting here because they are a stereotype, I’m guessing. Whereas the Patriots are fighting because they believe in something. What is that thing they believe in? Oh, nothing really. Just a little thing called Freedom. Just a little thing called America.
WINNER: PATRIOTS!

Washington State Cougars vs. Winthrop Eagles—This is a cage fight, remember. Both mascots are trapped in a cage and only one emerges. Eagles might be birds of prey and therefore deadly to most small animals, but a Cougar is a Cougar. And to a Cougar, an eagle is a delicious snack.
WINNER: COUGARS!


Oklahoma Sooners vs. St. Joseph’s Hawks—A settler of Oklahoma is so susceptible to dysentery, not to mention weakened by hunger and the general malaise of being stuck in Oklahoma, that I cannot believe they would put up much of a fight. In fact, I sort of imagine they would view death and/or defeat as a sweet release.
WINNER: HAWKS!

Louisville Cardinals vs. Boise St. Broncos—I’m not sure under what circumstances a songbird might pick a fight with an untamed pony. Unless it was a songbird with particularly low self-esteem who needed to show off for his songbird buddies, or to prove to those nearby birds of prey that he was as cool as they were. Whatever the explanation, it’s a mistake.
WINNER: BRONCOS!

Butler Bulldogs vs. South Alabama Jaguars—Wow, what a mismatch! While Bulldogs are known for being tenacious, they are also domesticated. Sure, there may be some question as to how a Jaguar ended up in Alabama. (Chalk it up to excellent recruiting, I suppose.) This one will be quick and unpleasant. You may want to cover your child’s eyes.
WINNER: JAGUARS!

Tennessee Volunteers vs. American Eagles—The Volunteers volunteered for this fight, so they knew exactly what they were getting into. That said, how can you vote against an American Eagle? Unless you’re a terrorist. But you’re not a terrorist, are you? I didn’t think so.
WINNER: EAGLES!

WEST BRACKET
Kansas Jayhawks vs. Portland St. Vikings—This would be quite a spectacular fight. Civil War era guerilla fighters pitted against Scandinavian pirates. The slight edge goes to the Jayhawks, not because of their modern weaponry, but because that is where I went to college. Go KU!
WINNER: JAYHAWKS!

UNLV Runnin’ Rebels vs. Kent State Golden Flashes—Though anthropomorphized as an angry bird of some sort, the Golden Flashes, in the end, are still just that: some sort of trick of the light. While pretty, beguiling and occasionally disorienting, they pose no serious threat to actual humans.
WINNER: RUNNIN’ REBELS!

Clemson Tigers vs. Villanova Wildcats—Now this is a fight you want to see! One vicious cat pitted against another! Sadly for Villanova, size matters.
WINNER: TIGERS!

Vanderbilt Commodores vs. Siena Saints—Possibly the most boring matchup of the Tournament: a ‘70s funk/soul band versus a bunch of goody two-shoes. The Saints might make it into heaven in a walk, but the Commodores wrote “Brick House.”
WINNER: COMMODORES!

USC Trojans vs. Kansas State Wildcats—Sure, I don’t want to be trapped in a cage with a Wildcat of any size, but I’m not a trained warrior from Troy. They are ready for any type of battle. Also, swords offer an advantage.
WINNER: TROJANS!

Wisconsin Badgers vs. CSU Fullerton Titans—I don’t care how tough and vicious a Badger might be. It’s still only Badger-sized, not of titanic proportions.
WINNER: TITANS!

Gonzaga Bulldogs vs. Davidson Wildcats—If Davidson were the House Cats, then I’d let this one go the other way. But they are wild. Sorry Gonzaga, you’re out in the first round.
WINNER: WILDCATS!

Georgetown Hoyas vs. UMBC Retrievers—Seriously? A Chesapeake Bay Retriever? That is your mascot? Well, at least you are specific. I cannot say the same for the Georgetown Hoyas, who, for some reason, have a bulldog as their mascot. But Wikipedia (the world’s most accurate site) tells me a Hoya is “a genus of 200-230 species of tropical climbing plants…native to southern Asia, Australian and Polynesia.” Since I always believe Wikipedia…
WINNER: RETRIEVERS!

SOUTH BRACKET
Memphis Tigers vs. Texas-Arlington Mavericks—Those nonconformists from Texas-Arlington, they’re such free spirits! They’re so eccentric and original! Have you read their poetry? They’re totally giving a reading at the coffee house later tonight. That is, if they can manage not to be mauled and eaten by wild tigers. Uh-oh…
WINNER: TIGERS!

Mississippi State Bulldogs vs. Oregon Ducks—Wow! That was fast! Look at all those feathers! Honestly, I don’t know why I expected more of a fight. Maybe it’s because I bought into all the Pac-10 hype.
WINNER: BULLDOGS!

Michigan State Spartans vs. Temple Owls—Did you see 300? Did you see those Tootsie Pop commercials from the ‘70s? Yeah. That’s right. Tonight, Michigan State dines in hell! Dines on Owl kabobs.
WINNER: SPARTANS!

Pittsburgh Panthers vs. Oral Roberts Golden Eagles—Coating a bird of prey in gold will NOT make it more difficult to defeat. In fact, it will just make it immobile. Shiny and expensive…but immobile.
WINNER: PANTHERS!

Marquette Golden Eagles vs. Kentucky Wildcats—See above.
WINNER: WILDCATS!

Stanford Cardinal vs. Cornell Big Red—According to both universities’ web sites, their team names refer to the color red. So, um, this is a battle of red versus red? Like, which red is better, red or red? Boy, is this match-up stupid. The mascots aren’t much more help: a tree and a bear. So who wins in that battle? A bear can climb a tree, so is that like defeating a tree? It is if the bear’s nickname is “Touchdown.”
WINNER: BIG RED!

Miami Hurricanes vs. St. Mary’s Gaels—To hear of this battle, you might think it sounds like the perfect storm, literally. A hurricane versus a gale! Oh, wait. What? A Gael? Isn’t that a typo? It isn’t? So it’s a Hurricane pitted against someone from Ireland? Well, not being a tropical people, I think the Gaels are in for a rough time.
WINNER: HURRICANES!

Texas Longhorns vs. Austin Peay Governors—Austin Peay was a person before he became a university. He was actually the governor of Tennessee during the Scopes Monkey Trial, who notably died in office, something no Tennessee governor has done before or since. As I believe death renders most foes easily vanquished…
WINNER: LONGHORNS!

WEST BRACKET
UCLA Bruins vs. Mississippi Valley State Delta Devils—Bears are deadly and dangerous. Just ask Stephen Colbert. But a Devil, from the Delta or not, has that little extra something. A little something most people call “evil.”
WINNER: DELTA DEVILS!

BYU Cougars vs. Texas A&M Aggies—Aggie jokes are the Polack jokes of Texas, because Aggies are viewed as possessing bag-o-hammers level intelligence. Darwinian selection being what it is, then, there’s only one way this fight ends.
WINNER: COUGARS!

Drake Bulldogs vs. Western Kentucky Hilltoppers—If your biggest accomplishment, the thing that you seem most proud about, the thing you name yourself after, is “topping” a “hill”, maybe you can be beaten by a Bulldog. Let’s face it, you’re not exactly a go-getter. You think making it to the top of a hill is a “big deal.”
WINNER: BULLDOGS!

Connecticut Huskies vs. San Diego Toreros—If you are in the Iditarod, you want a team full of Huskies. Good, strong, hard-working dogs. However, this is not a race but a fight. And Toreros are used to fighting something a little more dangerous than a dog, namely, a charging bull. Oh yeah, and then they kill the bull.
WINNER: TOREROS!

Purdue Boilermakers vs. Baylor Bears—When you and your buddies are out having drinks, the last thing you want to do is stumble into a townie bar and start some shit with a bunch of ironworkers. You and your buddies might be tough, but, trust me, you’re not as tough as labor union lifers from the Rust Belt. Unless, you and your buddies happen to be Bears. And I’m not talking about big, hairy gay guys.
WINNER: BEARS!

Xavier Musketeers vs. Georgia Bulldogs—Bark! Bark! Bang!
WINNER: MUSKETEERS!

West Virginia Mountaineers vs. Arizona Wildcats—Mountaineers are used to living in the mountains. They are experts in it, one would assume. If that is the case, they would be no strangers to encountering an occasional Wildcat. And they wouldn’t really be considered much of a Mountaineer if they didn’t know how to handle themselves around a Wildcat, now would they?
WINNER: MOUNTAINEERS!

Duke Blue Devils vs. Belmont Bruins—Man, this bracket is lousy with Devils and Bears! If Belmont had only had Baylor’s luck in the tournament draw, they’d make it past the first round. But, as it stands, they ended up in hell. Bears might rule this earthly plane, but Devils snack on Bears like Pretzel and Peanut Butter Combos.
WINNER: BLUE DEVILS!

Round Two predictions later this week!

The Beards Go On

I AM ON STRIKE. I don't mean this in any hyperbolic way. I mean it literally. As a member of the Writers Guild of America, I have been on strike since the beginning of November. If you don't know exactly what we're striking for, just read the papers and believe what the producers and studio execs are saying. (Because why would they lie?)

We are striking to destroy Hollywood.

Once we have accomplished that, we'll go back to what we normally do. For me and more than half of the WGA members, that means going back to being an unemployed writer. Trust me, it's wayyyyy more dignified than "striking writer." Also, it requires far less exercise, but (luckily) the same amount of Xbox.


As it happens, I made a decision during the first week of the strike that I had no idea would be so popular. With people other than my mother, that is. That decision? To put my razor on strike as well, and to grow a "strike beard." More on this particular beard a little later. When I decided to stop shaving, in perhaps my bravest moment as an adult male, I had no idea just how popular my decision would be...until this very evening. The evening of the return of the late night talk show hosts.

Let us for a moment put aside Jay Leno and Craig Ferguson, and speak only of Conan and Dave. Actually, I will not speak. I will let the pictures speak.


Coincidence? That seems unlikely. It must have been design. I must have been in cahoots with Conan and Dave. Or, at the very least, as lazy and unwilling to shave as they were.

Conan even referred to his as a "strike beard," much as I did, mere moments ago in this very blog. So, I was ahead of the curve...or at least exactly in sync with the curve. Okay, I admit that Conan and Dave show an ability to grow a full and complete beard whereas I can't muster much more than a sad adolescent-seeming attempt at facial hair. I admit it. I will also admit that my nephew, who is 23, can grow a fuller more convincing beard, and has been able to do so since he was 17. In fact, he can do it in under a week.

My beard, on the other hand, the beard of a 41-year-old, is still patchy and thin, even after over two months. It is also much grayer than I'd hoped for. As a bonus, it inspired my mother to say, "You look like a terrorist!" So mission accomplished on that front.

All that aside, I feel I'm making my point, as a writer on strike. This beard is a threat, producers, and it's not going away until there's a fair deal on the table.

Yeah! Take THAT!

Terrorists vs. Bananas!

PROTECT YOUR BANANAS, PEOPLE! And I mean that literally. It's not some goofy slang for "wear a cup when playing sports" or anything. I'm talking about bananas, and the cost of protecting them, and that Chiquita was just found guilty of paying about $1.7 million in protection money to the United Self-Defense Forces of Colombia (or the AUC) one of Columbia's biggest paramilitary groups (referred to by the press and the U.S. government as a "terrorist group"). Me, I'm not so smart. So I really don't know whether they're "terrorists" or just misunderstood. I'd like to just think of them as "gun-friendly". Here's a quote from today's AP story:

The AUC has been responsible for some of the worst massacres in Colombia's civil conflict and is responsible for a sizable percentage of the country's cocaine exports. The right-wing group was designated by the U.S. government as a terrorist organization in September 2001.



Prosecutors said the company made the payments in exchange for protection. The company also made similar payments to the leftist Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia, or FARC, according to prosecutors.

Chiquita will pay a $25 million fine, but get a load of this weird tidbit: Colombia's banana-growing region is a zone that has been viciously fought over by leftist rebels and far-right paramilitaries.

The whole thing reminds me of the Simpsons episode where Marge starts selling pretzels from a pretzel wagon, and Homer tries to help out by paying Fat Tony to ensure that Marge's pretzel endeavor is successful. ("The Twisted World of Marge Simpson", season 8, episode 11 -- an episode which came up in conversation during our regular Tuesday Poker Night last night.) Eventually Fat Tony confronts Marge and says to her: I'm afraid I must insist. You see, my wife, she has been most vocal on the subject of the pretzel monies. "Where's the money? When are you going to get the money? Why aren't you getting the money now?" And so on.

Another Flight to Jersey

SO, I'M BACK FROM JOYZEE, and I must admit that, once again, a good time was had by all. I'm preparing a full report on the my corporate video adventure for a later posting.

In its place, I'll offer this story of racial profiling.

I'm not a big fan of flying. Most who know me know this. But I was doing pretty well on three of the four flights I had to take: from L.A. to Phoenix, Phoenix to Philly, then back again. However, on the final leg of my journey, during the boarding process, I looked up just in time to see a Mohammed Atta-lookin' fella walking back to his seat on the plane.

I chided myself silently for having such a knee-jerk reaction, especially one I've made fun of on this page. [See the February 4 entry.] So, I brushed it off and went back to reading William Least Heat Moon's River-Horse. Until I noticed the Atta-like feller sitting directly behind me -- in the exit row.

Because I am blessed (cursed?) with an active imagination, I immediately imagined a simple terrorist plan: opening the exit door while in mid-flight. Now, I am sure that someone more knowledgeable than me would be able to tell me that such a ploy wouldn't necessarily work. And I kept telling myself I was being ridiculous, but that didn't keep me from imagining it transpiring at least a half-dozen times.

Thus is my particular illness, you see.

Of course, he was not a terrorist -- at least not on THIS flight. Otherwise I wouldn't be here to pass on the story, right?

Unless this isn't really me typing right now. Perhaps the terrorists have won and they've taken over my website?

Makes ya wonder, don't it?

Flight of the Goombahs

JUST GOT BACK FROM NEW JERSEY, where I played the part of a real estate agent who was skeptical that Cendant Mortage (the parent company of Century 21, Coldwell Banker and ERA) was REALLY the company for all my mortgage needs. I did this not on the stage, as you might imagine, but in the context of a corporate video.

It was all kinds of fun, mostly because two of my former improv friends from Kansas City, Trish Berrong and John Cox, were involved as well. Trish was co directing the shoot and John was the "wise agent" trying to show me, the "dumb agent," how great Cendant was.

For instance, John might say, "Cendant's mortgage counselors are like other companies' originators. And they have a computer system that can handle loan approvals quickly through an online transmission with a combined credit report."

And I would reply with either "Really?" or "What?" or "Huh?" Which made my job probably a little easier than John's.

And then, of course, there was the drinking. You can't have more than two improvisers in a room without drinking being involved. It's a rule.

The weirdest part of the whole thing, however, was the flight out. It was my first time on a plane since September 11 and I was a bit edgy. You could tell the other passengers were too, especially when two New York goombahs got on the Phoenix-to-Baltimore leg only minutes before take-off and took an immediate dislike to the passengers on the plane.

They seemed specifically put off by the lone Indian gentleman who happened to be wearing a blue turban-like hat. Adding to their discomfort, I am certain, was the group of 25 or 30 migrant workers who had boarded with me in Los Angeles and filled up the back third of the plane.

Despite being the last two passengers on a nearly fully booked flight, the two goombahs seemed surprised that there weren't two seats together. So they walked all the way to the back of the plane before trudging back to the front all put out because they had to sit in the seats against the bulkhead that faced backwards.

Being in the third row, I had a perfect view of their displeasure. "Why, this will certainly be more entertaining than an in-flight movie," I thought.

"I don't like the looks of this flight," one goombah said to the other.

"Me neither," said Goombah #2. "Did you see that guy?"

"Yeah, I saw him."

"I got a bad feeling."

"Me too."

The stewardess informed them that they should decide whether or not they were going to stay on the plane RIGHT NOW, as getting their bags off the plane could delay the flight.

After a brief discussion, the Goombah Brothers decided to get off the plane. Which was great for me, because they were a big drag. But their departure caused a minor ripple of panic to reverberate through the first half-dozen or so rows. As people began to openly question, "What's going on? Why did they get off the plane?" And on and on like that. As if these two geniuses had some insight into what was going on.

One woman, a few rows in back of me, kept saying to the guy next to her, "They went all the way back to the back of the plane. Does the stewardess know they went all the way to the back of the plane? Tell the stewardess they went all the way back to the back of the plane."

Of course, once they were off the plane and the stewardess informed the panicky woman that the men didn't cleverly stow some nefarious device in the (non-existent, at that point) overhead space, we took off.

I guess the Indian man in the turban, turned out NOT to be a terrorist after all. Go figure.