The Ol' Tooth in the Eye Gag

SURE! IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE! Why wouldn't you want a tooth in your eye? Everybody knows teeth are good for your eyes!

That's Why The Lady Is A Douche!

TONIGHT WAS MEATBALL NIGHT! And when me and the missus get the hankerin' for meatballs, we go to Maggiano's. Sure, it's not the greatest Italian restaurant in the world, or even in Los Angeles. It's probably only a couple of steps or so up from Olive Garden. But that's okay by us, because of the meatballs. Those meatballs are some good shit, people. So we make the call to pick it up and bring it home, coz tonight...we don't like other people so much. Not so much.

My wife drives to the Magg, which leaves me to hop out and grab the snacks. It's a plan totally worthy of an Ocean's Eleven or similar movie. If not the whole movie, at least the most exciting scene. As none of the designated "to go" parking spots were available (they never are, as they're taken, I'm sure, by the late-arriving waitstaff), my wife pulls up behind the parked cars and puts on the hazard lights. It's a classic move.

Even more classic, however, is the move made by the owner of the big black Mercedes sedan. Its hazards are on as well...but it's parked in the handicapped spot.

Classy move, I think as I go in to the to go portion of the restaurant. (Maggiano's has a separate room for to go orders. It's a tiny room with just a counter and a register. If more than two people are waiting, the third and fourth person would have to wait outside. That's how tiny the room is.) So, I know that the woman at the counter is the owner of the Mercedes in the handicapped spot. She's just getting her food as I walk in. I notice all the bling on the one hand she's using to gesture. Lots of gold. Some diamonds. She's gesturing to help her make her point.

"Can I get some marinara sauce? A side of marinara sauce?"

She accents this with pointing at the woman behind the counter and then pointing into the bag of food. And then back at the woman, then back into the bag. You know, to help the woman behind the counter, the Hispanic-looking woman who speaks perfect English, understand the complex message she's communicating. The one about sauce. And how the sauce isn't in the bag. And can some sauce be put into the bag? The woman behind the counter is a little confused. Not, as it turns out, because she doesn't speak English (as the non-handicapped woman ahead of me is assuming), but because the order in the bags doesn't come with marinara sauce.

"I'm sorry," the woman behind the counter says.

"A side of marinara," the faux-crippled lady says, a bit annoyed. "Could I get a side of marinara?"

The woman behind the counter still doesn't understand. Because of the stuffed mushrooms in the bag. That's what the annoying lady ordered. The mushrooms don't come with marinara. Not normally. But, then again, people who aren't handicapped don't park in handicapped spots. Not normally anyway.

"You know, marinara?" she says again. "The red sauce? Marinara."

She never gets really pissy. She doesn't really raise her voice or anything. She just, you know, over-explains what marinara sauce is. To a woman who works at an Italian restaurant. Like the woman behind the counter has never heard of marinara sauce. One of the three sauces available on the menu. And let's face it, who would order something as bizarre as marinara sauce? At an Italian restaurant?

When you think about it, it really is quite bizarre right?

They should probably fire that stupid woman behind the counter. That's the point of my story, I think.

Isn't it?

Brain Hat

I REALLY CAN'T DECIDE what my favorite news story of this last week is, because there's a lot of weird shit going on right now. I do have five candidates vying for the title of Most Awesome Story of the Week. Here is but one of them.

Japanese Researchers Control Toy Train With Their Brains!
Reasearchers at Hitachi have developed an attractive new helmet they call a "brain-machine interface" that allows the wearer not only to look awesomely nerdy but also to control a toy train just by thinking. Finally! Toy trains will do our bidding! Whatever we think, they will do! It's just like that awesome H.G. Wells story. What was that called again? Oh yeah, "The Man Who Controlled Trains With His Brain (The Toy Ones Not the Big Steam Locomotives...I Mean, Seriously, Control a Steam Locomotive With Your Mind? Even I Think That's a Bit Ridiculous, And I'm H.G. Wells, I Write About All Kinds of Crazy Crap)." I used to love that story.

You're probably wondering, "So how do you make the train go? Do you think forward or go to make the train move and halt or whoa! to make it stop?" Of course not! It's so much easier than that. You either do simple calculations in your head -- 4x2=8, 8x8=64 and like that -- and the train moves forward. When you stop doing them, the train stops! You can also sing a song to make the train go. You could even combine the two and sing a song about calculations to make it go. Might I recommend "Hey Little Twelve Toes" or "Three Is a Magic Number" from Schoolhouse Rock?

My second most favorite part about this story is how the author of the article first mentions that this technology could be used to control TVs, turning them on and off or changing the channels and whatnot. You know, instead of burning all of those additional calories using that heavy and cumbersome TV remote. Only after mentioning that use does the author add how this technology could assist disabled people. Because we should keep our priorities straight people. Let's help the laziest TV watchers first, and then worry about helping those who are actually disabled (or "permanently lazy," as I like to say).

But my most favorite part of this story is how much the "brainhat," as I like to call it, looks like the crazy hi-tech colander Egon Spengler (Harold Ramis) puts on Louis Tully's (Rick Moranis) head in the original Ghostbusters. Oh yeah, many Zuuls knew what it was like to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you!