Now Hiring

Ways in which our team is "winning" include, but are not limited to, at-home perms and questionable blazer-blouse choices.

How Much Should I Charge For My Flap?

You can try to charge more, but you'd better have a really spectacular flap.

When a Kangaroo Loves a Woman

SOMETIMES THEY DO IT KANGAROO-STYLE.



That's the subtext of this ad, right? Because the nice lady with the pretty hair is definitely getting serviced from behind by the plushie kangaroo.

I'm not criticizing this advertising strategy. I just think it limits the demographic appeal of the product.

No Exercise or Fish Oils!

PROOF THAT THE WORLD HASN'T CHANGED AT ALL in the last thirty years. Ladies are still trying to find ways to gain "welcome weight and keep it on."



You should listen to "actress" Linda Peck. She knows all about being popular. Personally, I think her best role was as "Giant Model" in Land of the Giants. Although a good case could be made for her uncredited turn as "Telethon Telephone Girl" in Valley of the Dolls.

Exactly What The Beatles Had in Mind

DON'T FORGET: you're an idiot who doesn't understand how to do simple tasks around the house without endangering yourself or others.



{from Dave}

Smell You Later

I LIKE TO IMAGINE that advertising copywriters are repressed individuals who aren't trying to come up with clever copy so much as they are trying to clear their consciences of dark, dark secrets. Maybe I'm only thinking this recently because of the following ad I saw on the New York Times website.



Firstly, if you "love the smell of chair in the morning," you are a pervert. Let's just agree on that. Ordinary people don't go around smelling chairs. In my experience anyway.

That said, and understanding that this is a play on the Robert Duvall line from Apocalypse Now, why the morning specifically?

Wait, let me back up. Why choose that movie quote, out of all possible movie quotes? Obviously, it wasn't chosen because it made the most sense. Did "The chair? You can't handle the chair?" not have the right ring to it? I'd like to offer some other, equally sensible choices that I feel the advertisers at Hive rejected before settling on smelling a chair.

"Take your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty CHAIR."
"She's my daughter! She's my CHAIR! My daughter! My CHAIR! She's my CHAIR and my daughter."
"Frankly, my CHAIR, I don't give a damn!"
"Louis, I think this is the CHAIR of a beautiful friendship."
"I am SpartaCHAIR!"

I would have included, "We're gonna need a bigger CHAIR," but that makes way too much sense.

Maybe I'm missing the appeal of this though. I don't know anything about Hive. Maybe it's like the American Apparel of furniture stores. In which case, playing to the pervert crowd is smart.

Ugly Babies Need Not Apply

TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT YOUR BABY and be honest with yourself (first and foremost) and then with us.



Because, seriously, if you send us a picture of a baby, and it is NOT a handsome baby, we can't be held responsible for what we might do. I know, I know, the contest is called a "Cute Baby Contest," but let's be realistic. Cute just doesn't cut it anymore. Tina Yothers was a cute baby and look how that worked out for her.

Right. Not good is what I'm saying.

So please, and I cannot emphasize this at all, HANDSOME BABIES ONLY. Is your baby George Clooney...only a baby? Perfect! Send us the picture! Do people call your baby McDreamy or McSteamy? Or did you just name your baby McSteamy in hopes that we would be fooled. If the former, great! You're exactly what we're looking for. If the latter, get a grip! Stop kidding yourself and stop lying to your baby. There's nothing sadder than an unattractive baby that thinks it's sexy just because his/her parents told it so. Nothing is sadder than that. Not even Haiti.

Also, do not waste our time. This is a national contest. The prize is $2,500! What I'm saying is, this is some serious-ass shit.

Okay, fair enough. The baby we chose for the Facebook ad wasn't the most handsome baby in the world. That's a totally legitimate criticism. It's just a really really cute baby. That's my bad. I'll take the fall for that one. I chose the photo. Mea. Culpa.

What? Is it my baby?

Come on, don't be ridiculous. My future babies are already more handsome than that, and they haven't even been born yet. If I had a baby it would win this contest, by a landslide. It would win the contest so mightily, the contest would probably have to shut down forever. So to answer your question, no, that is not my baby.

Per se.

Did I buy it from a "baby broker?" Maybe. Did I find it next to a sleeping woman on a cross-town bus? Look, that's beside the point. The point is, if your baby isn't Johnny Depp (again, the baby version) or like a baby swimsuit model, don't even bother.

Also, I know the ad says to send in a photo, but the best way to win this contest -- if you want a little Pro Tip -- is to send your baby in. By messenger, if possible. Although FedEx isn't bad, either.

And NO we're not just going to sell your baby for profit. That is a gross exaggeration. It's probably a lie even. We're not some fly-by-night Cute Baby Contest. We are a reputable, you know, whatever. We're trustworthy. For reals.

So send us your baby. Seriously. Do it now.

Oh yeah, and you'd think this would go without saying but apparently it doesn't: white babies only.

Great Moments in Advertising

DO YOUR LADYPARTS STANK? (Hint: The answer is always yes!)

The headline asks that age-old question: "Is a wife to blame, if she doesn't know?" What's this ad about? How to cook? How to behave in the sack? How to change the oil? No! Sadly, what is being discussed is the cleanliness of a lady's vagina.



The first paragraph answers the headline with: "Yes! She's decidedly to blame. Because in this age of enlightenment and frankness there's no excuse for ignorance of facts on proper intimate feminine cleanliness which often can mean so much to womanly charm, health and happiness. There's no excuse for ignorance of what to put in her douche."

Wow. the husband's expression says it all. It says, "Something is horribly wrong with your vagina! I'm going back to the office, and my secretary's more hospitable ladyparts! When I get back -- if I get back -- your pleasure-palace better be clean enough to eat off of...not that I'd do that, naturally. Because that is disgusting and barbaric!

Set Your DVRs!

SEASON 3 KICKS OFF THIS SUNDAY!



But, seriously, don't miss it. Because it's a great show.

Also, go see the other "Truthful TV Title Cards" Glark created here.

Did You Have Your Baby in St. Tropez?

AHH, THE GOOD OLD DAYS! When mothers would cook their babies a little every day.

Where the G Stands for Whaaaa?

THIS REALLY MAKES NO SENSE.



Guinea Pigs aren't big heroes. They're small. So, I guess they're going for irony here and I don't get it? I'm not ruling that out, you understand. Um, it just doesn't seem funny. It sort of reads to me like, "The world needs bigger heroes...like Autobots, for instance. Unfortunately, in this movie all you get are rodents. Sorry! We hope you think they're cute anyway!"

Hmmm.

Yeah. It doesn't quite work for me.

A Kentucky Surprise!

WHAT CRITERIA DO I USE TO DECIDE what goes on this blog and what does not? Well, it may surprise you to discover that I actually choose NOT to put some things on here.

It's true.

But this ad just begged for inclusion.



Even if it wasn't for a shooting range. Even if it just had the sexy preggo lady in her underwear and veil. Even then, I think I would have put it up. (Just so I have a companion piece for this post.) But as it is, it's really the perfect storm of awesomeness. It's from Kentucky. It's from an apparently popular bachelor/ette party destination. And it tries to have fun with the concept of "shotgun weddings" by basically saying you can really include a shotgun in your wedding! Or at least in your bachelor/ette party!

Oh fun!

Here's another soothing image from the Open Range web site.



Fuck yeah! You're right! I am about to throw the party of the year! It's a murder party! Oh shit yeah! Please make sure you RSVP, I put a deposit on the room. And those people are real dicks about refunds.

Thank you.

When Did You Say?

ADVERTISERS ARE ALWAYS CREATING PROBLEMS SO THEY CAN SOLVE THEM. In the case of the following product, the advertisers in question have created a question that has never been asked, just so they can answer it with their product. The question:

When would I use something called "My Inside Cleaner"?



The answer, which seems so obvious in retrospect, is: when stinks. Of course! It's all so clear to me now!

Thank you, Engrish.com. Thank you, very much.

Sleep Problems?

ARE YOU HAVING TROUBLE SLEEPING? Do you maybe have sleep apnea?

Or do you just think it's sleep apnea, when it's really an alien attached to your face? The simplest solution is to just look in the mirror, either in the evening or in the morning. If you have this creature on your face:

...then it isn't sleep apnea. It's an alien.

Don't worry though. After a few days, it will just fall off and everything will be back to normal. Feel free to have a big breakfast with your friends. I mean, what's the worst that could happen, right?

Don't Freak Out!

I'M CONVINCED THE AD PEOPLE AT FACEBOOK are totally crazy.



The answer may scare me? A number? There's a scary number now?

Rejected Ad Copy

A holocaust of savings!
If you can find a better deal, I’ll fuck your mother!
Makes hair 35% more delicious!
Fortified with delicious heroin!
May cause stomach tornadoes!
Not for retards!
Try to grab a coupon from our savings cougar!
All our merchandise is gypsy-free!
Every sandwich contains a human hair!
A free pancake with every shoe!
Guaranteed to cause cancer!
Don’t buy from the competition—they’re pedophiles!

What Is Ryan Seacrest?

I FOUND THIS LITTLE GEM ON THE ACCESS HOLLYWOOD SITE.


It's just another example of the non-confusing nature of the Interwebs. Like this clickable ad that keeps showing up on the Facebooks.



Which seems to imply that if I'm a fan of the British band Muse I will also then have some sort of knowledge about Bob Dylan. "Do you like cheese? Then take this fun quiz and test your knowledge about dental hygiene now!"

The First Rule of Real Estate

DO I HAVE REGRETS? Oh sure, I have a few. Near the top of that list is this one.

Not long after I moved to Los Angeles, I worked in the valley, and on my commute to work, I passed this bus stop. For my entire tenure at that job, the ad on the bus stop bench was for this real estate guy who serviced the valley. Like a lot of real estate ads, it was just a picture of the agent, with his name in giant type, a "motto" (if you will) and his phone number. The guy looked a little like the picture here, only his mullet was a little shorter, his smile was a little cheesier and he wore a white tuxedo and was looking right into the camera. He may not have actually worn a white tuxedo in the picture, but in my memory, that is what he was workin'. It said his name (which I do not recall) across the top, and then below it was his motto:

Location, location, location, etc.

I passed it a hundred times and never took a picture of it. I had a camera at that time. I don't know why I never bothered to snap a quick pic. I regret it to this day. Because part of the beauty was the look on the guy's face. Like he was so proud of that motto, that he had improved the old rule of real estate.

As my wife summed it up, "What does it take to get to Carnegie Hall? Practice, practice, practice, etc.!"

Wonder Pants

THERE WAS A TIME THAT THIS SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA. I'm sure there was. There must have been, right? That all you needed to do was put on some specialized piece of clothing and -- VOILA! -- the weight would disappear!

That had to be the thinking behind the Wonder Sauna Hot Pants. Why go to a sauna when you can wear one? And be stylish at the same time! Can you think of any better way to reduce your waist, tummy, hips and thighs? If you are one of the "health-watchers of America", whom these pants seem directed at, then there is no better way to "look better -- feel better -- wake up your body!"

Not convinced yet? What if I told you that the Wonder Sauna Hot Pants would help you "slenderize where you want"? (Provided what you wanted to slenderize was your waist, tummy, hips and thighs. Simultaneously.) What if I told you there were easy to inflate? And that they were one size fits all?

Still not convinced? Well, just look at the models. Look how comfortable and sexy they look. Have you ever seen a woman more comfortable in a chair than the model wearing the Wonder Sauna Hot Pants?

I know I haven't.

Am I Psychic?

ON TUESDAY, I POSTED A CRAZY GRANDPA I found on a banner ad. He looked like this.



And then on Wednesday, America saw another crazy grandpa who looked like this.



From that empirical study of crazy old grandpas, I have deduced that all crazy grandpas make this face. Also, that it's creepy.