One Deadly Pickle

I guess it depends on where you stick it.

Happiness is a Warm Gun

ARE YOU FEELING A DEEP EMPTINESS IN YOUR SOUL? Is there an itch in your psyche that you cannot scratch? If you are like most of us, you probably said yes to both of these questions. The answer, of course, is to buy something.

"But what?" you might shout at your computer screen. "What can I buy, Jeff? These InterWebs are filled with things to buy! Should I buy porn? Shoes? Dietary fiber? A Teddy Ruxpin? The Criterion Collection release of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button?"

The answers would normally be, respectively "of course", "why not", "yes", "maybe" and "are you fucking kidding me?" But in this case, the overall answer is "NO."

If you really examined that emptiness you feel inside, I think you would find it was gun-shaped. It might, in fact, be shaped exactly like this gun:



Yes. What you are missing is the Condiment Gun. I'm sorry to inform you that you cannot buy this if you are in the United States (where non-condiment or "bullet" guns are readily available) but you can buy it if you're in the UK (where real guns are restricted). Isn't that a weird quirk? Hmmm.

Anyway, try to get one if you can just so you can re-enact this scene with your friends!



Because there's nothing gay about that.

Nothing at all.

UPDATE: I forgot to mention the most puzzling part of the description of the Condiment Gun, which is this phrase: "Bang Bang, you're red (or BROWN or yellow)." Brown? I can only hope that's gravy coming out of the gun. Oh dear lord, please tell me it's gravy!!!

Hunger Strike!

BUT HOW EFFECTIVE WILL IT REALLY BE when the hunger strike is initiated by someone who kinda always looks hungry? Maybe I'm over-analyzing.

UPDATE: Maybe the punchline I'm searching for is: Isn't every day "hunger strike day" for Mia Farrow?

Weiner News

MAYBE THIS IS ALL FOR THE BEST.



After all, America is just now getting used to its first black president. Maybe it is too soon for us to think about electing a hot dog as mayor.

I mean, I'm ready for it. But I'm not sure the rest of America is.

Burrito Baby!

THIS NEWS STORY INSPIRED TWO COMEDY BITS.



COMEDY BIT #1
I have seven questions about this story.
QUESTION #1: If you had a burrito the size of a newborn, why would you throw it away? Wouldn’t you’d throw a burrito party and invite your closest friends to help you eat it? Or better yet, wouldn’t you just eat all of it and then spend the rest of the day in a shame spiral?
QUESTION #2: I am not a father, so I do not know for sure: Are newborns normally wrapped in paper and foil?
QUESTION #3: Or was this particular burrito served in a diaper?
QUESTION #4: Wait. Was the burrito served in an adorable onesie? If so, I think this is a dangerous practice. Even if the burrito place is called Burrito Baby. And even if the burritos are really, really delicious.
QUESTION #5: So, let me get this straight. Enough people at the Wal-Mart agreed that “Yep, that’s a baby in the trash can. It’s definitely not a burrito. I’m 100% certain it’s a baby.” So they called the cops?
QUESTION #6: Or was it a snap decision? Like, “Oh shit! That’s a baby in the trash can! Call the cops right now!” Then before the cops got there, when they realized it was just a big fucking burrito, not a baby at all, they decided, as a group, by taking a blood oath, that they would all just act surprised when the cops discovered it was a burrito and not a baby. They probably even practiced their surprised faces. Because they were embarrassed they didn’t think it through better, that they acted so hastily.
QUESTION #7: I think the person who called this in to the cops has a problem with food and/or might be a cannibal. I realize this isn’t technically a question. But I think the cops should question this person more. And the co-workers at the Wal-Mart should be careful. He/she obviously views food as people and people as food. Shit like that just doesn’t end up well. Is starts with a little nibble, and the next thing you know, you’re putting a baby in a tortilla with some beans and cheese and lettuce and salsa.

COMEDY BIT #2
Confusing babies with burritos is not as unusual as it sounds. Turns out there are nine ways in which newborn babies are ALMOST EXACTLY like burritos.
• They both are warm.
• They both are cuddly.
• They both smell nice.
• They both make you feel good.
• They both come in a variety of sizes.
• They both make you think to yourself “I can’t believe I made this!”
• They both can be bought from street vendors in major cities.
• They both are better when covered with cheese & sauce.
• They both make you think “I could never finish eating this” but then you do it anyway because they’re so delicious.

Pretty Pony!

THERE'S A NEW VIDEO UP! I just posted it on both FunnyOrDie and on YouTube. It's a little ditty I put together called "Pretty Pony."

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Take a look, if you've got a moment.

The Results of My Tests

IT'S A MIXED BAG, if you ask me. I guess it's mostly positive. Depends on whether the whole class is being graded on a curve.




I think both test results show I'm a strong person mentally and physically. Feel free to test yourself here and here.

What The Fashionable Lady Is Wearing

THIS LOOK WILL BE ALL THE RAGE this season, according to my sources. Everyone from Angelina Jolie to Heidi Klum to those ladies from Desperate Housewives will all be wearing this.



Because why just eat breakfast, when you can wear it? Twice!

Just in case you didn't know it, eggs are very slimming.

A Sign of the Apocalypse

AND THE RIVERS WILL TURN TO MEAT!

Mmmm, Coffee

DISCONTINUED STARBUCKS COFFEE FLAVORS
Shrimp
Taco salad
Perfume
Pennies
Newborn baby
Tea
Water
Loneliness

Get Professional Help!

WHEN IT COMES TO PUBLIC RESTROOMS, you just never know what you'll find inside them. Even if that restroom is contained in the offices of a big corporation. While working a little freelance job recently, I stepped out for a moment to use the restroom. Not the one on the floor I work on, but the third floor bathroom: much cleaner, quieter, less trafficked, far less stinky. And when I closed the door to the stall, I saw this sign taped to the back of the stall door.

Notice the exclamation points. Notice how thoroughly the note is taped to the stall. If you look closely, you can see that it is fully covered in wide, clear packing tape, as if laminated to the stainless steel of the stall door. While I cannot in good conscience take the side of the toilet stuffer, I find it hard to get fully behind the person who wrote the note either. He seems to have a completely different set of compulsions. Not that I'm convinced that either of the participants in this little dance are actually mentally ill, but they just don't seem like they'd be cool to hang out with.

One should also keep in mind some of the weird characters at this particular job. Like the executive assistant on the fourth floor who puts paper towels on her hands to touch almost anything. This same executive assistant also cleaned up a co-worker's messy desk while the messy co-worker was out of town. The messy desk in question was around the corner and completely out of sight. It's not like she had to stare at it. It's more like she could hear the mess calling to her from down the hall and around the corner and couldn't resist going to clean it up.

I feel I should also pass on a story a female co-worker, let's call her Vera, told me. Vera walked into the women's bathroom in this same building and saw that some woman had brought her tray of food straight from the commissary and left it sitting on the counter by the sinks. She was stunned and stared at the tray for a moment until the owner of the tray came out of her stall and said, jovially, "I see you staring at my food! You can't have any." To which Vera replied, "I don't want any of your bathroom food."

Finally, I must add that I once saw a male co-worker (in the unpleasant second floor bathroom) standing at the stall, urinating. While eating an apple.

Mmmm, bathroom apples! Delicious!