To Be Perfectly Honest

I WASN'T ALWAYS A PHARMACIST.

Some People Love Weather More Than Others

YOU MAY WANT TO STAY INSIDE this weekend. The weather looks particularly big and angry.


"What's my FutureCast, Chet & Susie? Well, in the future, I predict I'm going to have a glowing human-sized boner. Also, governments will fall, animals will do my bidding, I will reign as supreme overlord and you will all be my minions. But, to be honest, what I'm most excited about is the boner."

Marriage Protection

THE 99 THINGS I MUST PROTECT MY MARRIAGE AGAINST (That are more of a threat to it than gay marriage.)
1. Fire ants
2. Aphids
3. Termites
4. Bed bugs
5. Fleas & ticks
6. Angry bees
7. Slightly annoyed bees
8. Ordinary bees
9. Brown recluse spiders
10. Spiders (all other, especially the kind on the ceiling)
11. Scorpions
12. Robots
13. The West Nile Virus
14. The Rage Virus
15. Any zombie apocalypse
16. The release of yet another apocalyptic film directed by Roland Emmerich. I mean, 2012? The world gets destroyed again? Seriously?
17. Drunk celebrities
18. The Rapture
19. People who perform “Rapture” by Blondie at karaoke
20. People who are really excited to put a “Yes on 8” sign in their yards
21. People who wish they were “brave enough” to put a “Yes on 8” sign in their yards
22. People who said they were voting No on 8…but voted Yes instead
23. Poor spelling
24. Poor drivers
25. Poorly prepared eggs
26. People who come back from two weeks in Europe with an accent
27. An REO Speedwagon reunion tour
28. Body issues
29. Cannibals
30. Spoiled meat
31. The Orc army from Isengard
32. The Nazgul riders
33. Gollum
34. Any of Sauron’s minions
35. Mike Piazza
36. The metric system
37. Psoriasis
38. High blood pressure
39. Low tire pressure
40. People who say “an” before saying “historic”
41. The hopes of orphaned children
42. The unfulfilled dreams of youth
43. The dark schemes of the rich
44. Floods (flash or otherwise)
45. Lightning
46. Wildfires
47. Tornados
48. Tsunamis
49. Hurricanes
50. Earthquakes
51. Youth quakes
52. Ann Coulter’s acid wit & gigantic mannish hands
53. Errant foul balls
54. Shoes that just don’t fit right
55. The Liberal media
56. The Phillie Phanatic
57. Explosive diarrhea
58. Andy Rooney’s homespun humor
59. Bill O’Reilly’s loofah
60. Hugh Grant
61. Any movie starring Meryl Streep
62. Vegetarian gravy
63. Vegans
64. Hippies
65. Monsters (Cloverfield and otherwise)
66. Mind control
67. The return of Knight Rider
68. The original Knight Rider
69. Non-Euclidean geometry
70. Girls who refuse to go wild
71. Parachute pants
72. Stone-washed or acid-washed anything
73. Ties with keyboards printed on them
74. Members Only jackets that, apparently, anyone can own
75. Dinosaurs (re-animated or regular)
76. Non-adorable lions
77. Hungry, hungry hippos
78. Hungry hippos
79. Sated hippos who are nonetheless ill-tempered
80. Incontinence
81. The inability to go, or the inability to stop going
82. Boners that last more than four hours
83. Anxiety
84. Fear
85. Malaise
86. Lack of confidence (also: Confidence)
87. The 2-3 zone
88. The Box & 1
89. Man-to-man D (obviously)
90. Bad stand-up comedy
91. Poorly upholstered furniture
92. People who still imitate Borat
93. Alien attack
94. Mole people uprising
95. The “comedy” of Carlos Mencia
96. The future
97. The past
98. The possibility that our past is actually our future and that in order to save our future we have to destroy the past.
99. The fact that my mind just got totally blown. Holy shit, I’m so fuckin’ high right now!

Great Moments in Broadcasting

SO, I'M WATCHING SOME FOOTBALL, like I do on Sundays, and one of the guys calling the Raiders-Panthers game responds to another good Raiders defensive play by saying this:

"Wow! This is an aroused Raiders defense!"

If this is really the case, maybe the guys on the field are watching too much of this:

And not enough of this:


It's just a thought.

Spam Forty-Nine: The Case of the Stolen Spam

I’M NOT NAMING NAMES, but you know who you are. Somebody out there stole anywhere between 400 and 600 emails. I know that I was tardy in finishing this week’s Spam Chart, but that was no reason to steal my emails. On Tuesday night, I had over 1200 of them, and then this morning, less than 900. The upshot is I now have 800 fewer emails than last week. Sure, any ordinary person would be pleased with a one-week drop of spam like that. But I’m studying spam for science, people! This is not a joke!

Okay, okay, I’m sorry I yelled. Look, I don’t care who did it. I don’t need a confession. I just want my spam back. And since I’m having some “security issues” with my emails, I’d prefer it if you hand-delivered them. Just leave them on my doorstep and I’ll take care of the rest.

Thank you.

I’m not even sure that’s a crime anymore. There’ve been a lot of changes in the Chart.

SPAM WATCH WEEK FORTY-NINE
867 emails
BMS = 29% (up 6%)

((1/2)) -- 256 Boner Medication (75 Viagra/Cialis, 64 Penis Patch, 11 Erectifix, 7 VPXL, 3 MaxGain, 1 Megadik)
((2/1)) -- 253 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((3/3)) -- 45 Get Out Of Debt/Loan Approval
((4/6)) -- 44 Would You Chat With Me? (I Am Lonely & Probably Naked)
((5/11)) -- 35 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((5/4)) -- 35 Online Casino
((7/5)) -- 31 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Phentermine)
((8/8)) -- 23 Pheromones
((9/7)) -- 22 Human Growth Hormone
((10/15)) -- 21 Validate Your Identity (4 Bank of America, 4 Wachovia, 4 Associated Bank)
((11/11)) -- 20 OEM Software
((12/9)) -- 17 Stop Smoking
((13/10)) -- 16 Foreign Gibberish
((14/15)) -- 12 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((15/13)) -- 8 Improve Your Health
((16/18)) -- 7 Earn Your Degree
((16/14)) -- 7 Job Offer/Employee Search
((18/--)) -- 6 Please Watch This Non-Celebrity Sex Video
((19/16)) -- 4 View Your Suspicious Ecard Online
((20/18)) -- 2 You Won the Cyber Lotto
((21/18)) -- 1 Pain Relief
((21/--)) -- 1 We Have Your Package (Open the Zip File!)
((21/--)) -- 1 Embroideries!

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Spam Forty-Eight: Hours

IT’S A TUMULTUOUS TIME ON THE CHART! After a 20% increase in overall spam, three categories dropped off the Top Ten and three new categories took their place. Almost every spot on the chart was up for grabs this week. Canadian/Online Pharmacy rocketed into the top spot, out-performing Boner Meds by more than 200 emails. While the Chart’s BMS was 23% this week, the C/OPS (Canadian/Online Pharmacy Saturation) was nearly 37%. Luxury Replica Watches/Purses lost more than 120 emails to drop out of the Top Ten (from #3 to #11) for the first time maybe ever. And Please Watch This Non-Celebrity Sex Video dropped entirely off the Chart.

Yeah. I know. It’s been a wild ride.

But at least the Lord is on our side. At least, that’s my assumption after receiving two identical emails from Mrs. Roesel Kunie.

“I am the above named person from France,” Mrs. Kunie began, explaining that her husband, who had worked with the “France Embassy in America for seven years before he died in the year 2006...after a brief illness that lasted for only two weeks.”

Luckily, Mrs. Kunie and her husband were not only born-again Christians, but they were also totally loaded, to the tune of “24Million Dollars (twenty four Million United State Dollars” which Mr. Kunie had deposited “on the safe deposit box with the bank. Europe.”

Now the sad news: “Recently, my Doctor told me that I would not last for the next four months due to cancer Problem.” Wait…there’s more. “Though what disturbs me most is my stroke sickness.”

Naturally, Mrs. Kunie wants to give me her money. Well, 30% of it -- my calculator tells me that’s $7.2 million United State Dollars! -- provided I do not use that money “in an ungodly manner.”

She continues: “I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord. The lord he will fight my case and I shall hold my peace. I don’t need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health and because of the presence of my husband’s relatives around me always. I don’t want them to know about this development.”

That sounds like a totally Christian thing to do!

Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good Chart at your side, kid.

SPAM WATCH WEEK FORTY-EIGHT
1,679 emails
BMS = 23% (down 8%)

((1/2)) -- 617 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((2/1)) -- 392 Boner Medication (125 Penis Patch, 109 Viagra/Cialis, 31 Erectifix, 25 VPXL, 4 MaxGain, 3 WonderCum, 3 LNH Maxdik, 2 PowerEnlarge)
((3/4)) -- 147 Get Out Of Debt/Loan Approval
((4/10)) -- 93 Online Casino
((5/7)) -- 76 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Phentermine)
((6/6)) -- 51 Would You Chat With Me? (I Am Lonely & Probably Naked)
((7/8)) -- 38 Human Growth Hormone
((8/11)) -- 35 Pheromones
((9/15)) -- 34 Stop Smoking
((10/13)) -- 30 Foreign Gibberish
((11/3)) -- 29 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((11/14)) -- 29 OEM Software
((13/11)) -- 25 Improve Your Health
((14/20)) -- 21 Job Offer/Employee Search
((15/9)) -- 19 Validate Your Identity (6 Bank of America, 6 eBay)
((15/5)) -- 19 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((16/17)) -- 7 View Your Suspicious Ecard Online
((17/17)) -- 5 Some Celebrity Sex Related Link or Zip File (4 Angelina, 1 Britney)
((18/17)) -- 3 Pain Relief
((18/23)) -- 3 Earn Your Degree
((18/25)) -- 3 Bank Scam (2 “Trust In The Lord” Bank Scam)
((18/--)) -- 3 You Won the Cyber Lotto

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Spam Forty-Seven: Boner Clarity

WHEN SENDING EMAILS, EVEN SPAM EMAILS, it pays (if spam actually pays, that is) to use clear language. For instance, when you say, “Make your loved ones burst with joy giving them perfectly crafted designer items!” What you are communicating is that people close to you will actually explode because of presents you give them. Unless you are a psychopath, I’m guessing that’s not what you really want. Just like Boner Meds that promise to endow the user with the ability to “explode her mind with pleasure.”

And what, do you suppose, the following sentence means: “Complete detoxication of your organism.” Does it help to know that it was part of a Boner Meds email? It doesn’t?

This is what I’m talking about.

Similarly, while I’m certain that your “pr0n” is the highest quality, as you promise, I will not be following the link you provided to watch your “all natural drunk babies video.” Do you mean the babies are drunk in an “all natural” way? Do you mean the babies themselves are “all natural”? And if that’s what you mean, what do you mean by that?

No matter what your answers to those questions, I don’t want to see sexy videos of babies, drunk or not.

A Jedi’s strength flows from the Chart.

SPAM WATCH WEEK FORTY-SEVEN
1,397 emails
BMS = 31% (up 2%)

((1/1)) -- 439 Boner Medication (150 VPXL, 79 Viagra/Cialis, 23 MaxGain, 18 Penis Patch, 10 WonderCum, 10 LNH Maxdik, 5 PowerEnlarge, 3 Erectifix)
((2/2)) -- 364 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((3/3)) -- 147 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((4/4)) -- 101 Get Out Of Debt/Loan Approval
((5/5)) -- 50 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((6/6)) -- 47 Would You Chat With Me? (I Am Lonely & Probably Naked)
((7/7)) -- 38 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Phentermine)
((8/10)) -- 27 Human Growth Hormone
((9/8)) -- 26 Validate Your Identity (9 Wachovia, 4 eBay, 3 Wachovia, 3 Chemical Bank)
((10/10)) -- 23 Online Casino
((11/10)) -- 20 Pheromones
((11/16)) -- 20 Improve Your Health
((13/9)) -- 19 Foreign Gibberish
((14/15)) -- 18 OEM Software
((15/10)) -- 14 Stop Smoking
((16/20)) -- 11 Please Watch This Non-Celebrity Sex Video
((17/20)) -- 5 View Your Suspicious Ecard Online
((17/22)) -- 5 Some Celebrity Sex Related Link or Zip File (Jenna Von Oy, Britney, Miley, Kristin Kreuk, Michelle Pfeiffer)
((17/--)) -- 5 Pain Relief
((20/17)) -- 4 The Bill Is Attached (As a Zip File)
((20/18)) -- 4 Job Offer/Employee Search
((20/--)) -- 4 Security Update for OS Microsoft Windows
((23/19)) -- 3 Earn Your Degree
((24/22)) -- 2 Buy Designer Footwear
((25/--)) -- 1 Welsh Bank Scam

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Spam Forty-Six: Back on Schedule

IT’S ALWAYS SCARY WHEN YOU SKIP A CHART. But don’t worry, everybody, the Chart is not pregnant. Things are back to normal. It was just a stressful time that made the Chart irregular. Speaking of which, I did receive a spam with the following subject line: Menstrual pain won’t come to you, even in nightmares. Inside, all it said was, American dream has come true.

So true.

Single women in Russia were also trying to make their dreams come true by dating (and possibly marrying, or at least having naked chats with) American men (specifically me). Of the 66 spams that catapulted Would You Chat With Me? (I Am Lonely & Probably Naked) from #18 to #6, easily more than two-thirds were of the single, lonely Russian lady variety.

Sad.

Sad that there were so many more of those and only three attempts at enticing me with promises of Celebrity Sex Related Links, especially since the “celebrities” offered were Tiffani Amber Thiessen, Jaime Pressly and Farah Summerford.

Look, Your Worshipfulness, let's get one thing straight. I take orders from just one person: Chart.

SPAM WATCH WEEK FORTY-SIX
1,360 emails
BMS = 29% (unchanged)

((1/1)) -- 390 Boner Medication (149 VPXL, 50 Viagra/Cialis, 12 MaxGain, 11 Penis Patch, 10 WonderCum, 7 LNH Maxdik, 4 Erectifix, 3 PowerEnlarge, 2 Megadik)
((2/2)) -- 293 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((3/3)) -- 213 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((4/4)) -- 130 Get Out Of Debt/Loan Approval
((5/5)) -- 92 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((6/18)) -- 66 Would You Chat With Me? (I Am Lonely & Probably Naked)
((7/6)) -- 22 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Phentermine)
((8/7)) -- 18 Validate Your Identity (5 BoA, 3 Sterling Savings)
((9/7)) -- 17 Foreign Gibberish
((10/7)) -- 15 Online Casino
((10/10)) -- 15 Human Growth Hormone
((10/11)) -- 15 Pheromones
((10/15)) -- 15 Stop Smoking
((15/13)) -- 13 OEM Software
((16/17)) -- 9 Improve Your Health
((17/16)) -- 7 The Bill Is Attached (As a Zip File)
((18/22)) -- 6 Job Offer/Employee Search
((19/18)) -- 5 Earn Your Degree
((20/20)) -- 4 View Your Suspicious Ecard Online
((20/22)) -- 4 Please Watch This Non-Celebrity Sex Video
((22/--)) -- 3 Some Celebrity Sex Related Link or Zip File
((22/11)) -- 3 Buy Designer Footwear
((24/--)) -- 2 Pain Relief
((25/--)) -- 1 Search Engine Optimization
((25/21)) -- 1 Your Internet Access Is Going to Get Suspended (Plus Zip File!)
((25/22)) -- 1 Your Email Address Won 500,000 Euros (downgraded from a million)

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Spam Forty-Five: Almost Caught Up Now

IF I HAD ANY DOUBTS ABOUT THE VERACITY of the National Survey Panel Survey emails I got, I could have clicked on the link provided. Sure, I could have totally done that and taken place in the survey asking me, “ Does Sarah Palin have VP skills?” And if I did that, maybe I would have won that free $500 Visa Gift Card.

But something about the email made me suspicious. Maybe it was the last two lines of the email, the ones that said, “ The ethos of English public schools greatly influenced Pierre de Coubertin. The public schools had a deep involvement in the development of many team sports.” Not that I think most people aren’t interested in Pierre de Coubertin, the French historian who helped found the IOC. I’m sure lots of people are.

No, I think what really made me doubt the veracity of those emails was the part that said, “Not associated with Visa or Sandra Palin.”

Also, this week, I got a lovely spam with this as the message:

“Wow, your penis is unique!” Isn’t that what you just love to hear?

No, it’s not what I love to hear. It really isn’t.

Do or do not. There is no Chart.

SPAM WATCH WEEK FORTY-FIVE
1,497 emails
BMS = 29% (up 4%)

((1/2)) -- 432 Boner Medication (118 VPXL, 45 Viagra/Cialis, 14 Penis Patch, 13 LNH Maxdik, 12 MaxGain, 11 WonderCum, 7 PowerEnlarge, 5 Megadik, 3 Erectifix)
((2/1)) -- 357 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((3/3)) -- 281 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((4/4)) -- 142 Get Out Of Debt/Loan Approval
((5/13)) -- 51 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((6/5)) -- 37 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Phentermine)
((7/8)) -- 24 Foreign Gibberish
((7/10)) -- 24 Online Casino
((7/12)) -- 24 Validate Your Identity (5 Wachovia, 4 Google AdWords, 4 Eastern Bank)
((10/6)) -- 20 Human Growth Hormone
((11/7)) -- 18 Pheromones
((11/16)) -- 18 Buy Designer Footwear
((13/11)) -- 14 OEM Software
((14/14)) -- 13 Online Dating Site
((15/8)) -- 11 Stop Smoking
((16/--)) -- 7 The Bill Is Attached (As a Zip File)
((17/15)) -- 5 Improve Your Health
((18/18)) -- 4 Would You Chat With Me? (I Am Lonely & Probably Naked)
((18/18)) -- 4 Earn Your Degree
((20/--)) -- 3 View Your Suspicious Ecard Online
((21/--)) -- 2 Your Internet Access Is Going to Get Suspended (Plus Zip File!)
((21/--)) -- 2 National Survey Panel Survey
((22/16)) -- 1 Please Watch This Non-Celebrity Sex Video
((22/--)) -- 1 Job Offer/Employee Search
((22/--)) -- 1 Your Email Address Won 1 Million Euros
((22/--)) -- 1 Bank Scam (Korean)

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Spam Forty-Four: Still Catching Up

NOT A LOT OF TIME FOR CHIT-CHAT. We’re still behind here at Spam Central. We’ll be caught up in the next couple days. Still owe you another chart.

A suspicious drop in the spam flow this week. Perhaps linked to my tardiness? I would like to think so. Anyhow, I think my feelings for the Chart this week can be summed up by quoting from my favorite spam.

Hi dear,
Watch my tits!
Thanks

I find your lack of Chart disturbing.

SPAM WATCH WEEK FORTY-FOUR
1,113 emails
BMS = 25% (up 5%)

((1/1)) -- 361 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((2/2)) -- 278 Boner Medication (67 VPXL, 14 MaxGain, 13 Penis Patch, 13 WonderCum, 13 LNH Maxdik, 11 Viagra/Cialis, 7 PowerEnlarge, 3 Erectifix)
((3/4)) -- 169 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((4/3)) -- 120 Get Out Of Debt/Loan Approval
((5/5)) -- 49 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Phentermine)
((6/9)) -- 20 Human Growth Hormone
((7/10)) -- 19 Pheromones
((8/11)) -- 17 Stop Smoking
((8/13)) -- 17 Foreign Gibberish
((10/6)) -- 13 Online Casino
((11/7)) -- 12 OEM Software
((12/12)) -- 9 Validate Your Identity (2 eBay, 2 CareerBuilder, 2 Wachovia)
((13/8)) -- 8 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((14/15)) -- 5 Online Dating Site
((15/18)) -- 4 Improve Your Health
((16/13)) -- 3 Please Watch This Non-Celebrity Sex Video
((16/15)) -- 3 Buy Designer Footwear
((18/17)) -- 1 Would You Chat With Me? (I Am Lonely & Probably Naked)
((18/19)) -- 1 Some Celebrity Sex Related Link or Zip File
((18/22)) -- 1 Earn Your Degree
((18/26)) -- 1 GPS Trackstick
((18/--)) -- 1 Bigger/Better Boobs
((18/--)) -- 1 Yellowpages.travel Is Here

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Spam Forty-Three: Delayed By Laziness

MANY APOLOGIES FOR LEAVING YOU CHART-LESS for so long. I was out of town for over two weeks and...um...there were no Interwebs where I went. That’s possible, right? Sure, that was it. I couldn’t get in to the Googler and it was difficult to blodge. It was terrible. It was like Neanderthal times...or the ‘80s.

But you’ll be glad to know that spam never sleeps. Like that tree in the forest that falls when no one is around, the spam keeps flowing into my inbox whether I count it or not. This week’s wonders included the return of “Hoariness on the salmon!” An odd image that either indicates a boner that is not big enough or a boner that is finally the proper size to “jazz it with the ladies.” Whatever the case, I haven’t been told (warned?) of my potential (impending?) hoariness since Week 13.

This week also marked the debut of two really curious spam categories: Your Internet Access Is Going to Get Suspended (#25) and Selling Fresh Base Info (#22). The former claimed that it had been conducting “regular wiretapping” on its networks and then wend on to say “[We] strongly advise you to stop your activities regarding the illegal downloading of copyrighted material of your internet access will be suspended.” If I wanted proof of this illegal activity, all I had to do was open the conveniently attached zip file. The latter was a price list for what appeared to be stolen credit cards. Very weird on both accounts, but….welcome to the Chart, new friends!

Also, new to the Chart an email with the subject line of “Bitch!” that only contained a zip file titled “Bitch!”

While Some Celebrity Sex Related Link or Zip File is in drastic decline, after peaking at 101 emails just three weeks ago it now manages a meager 5, the good news is Fucktube Is Back (#22). So make sure to order your “welcome back, Fucktube” ice cream cakes from Baskin Robbins early. Those things sell out quick.

I don’t read the Chart...the Chart reads me.

SPAM WATCH WEEK FORTY-THREE
1,807 emails
BMS = 20% (down 2%)

((1/1)) -- 592 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((2/2)) -- 374 Boner Medication (105 VPXL, 68 Viagra/Cialis, 21 Penis Patch, 15 WonderCum, 13 MaxGain, 13 LNH Maxdik, 6 PowerEnlarge, 5 Erectifix)
((3/3)) -- 240 Get Out Of Debt/Loan Approval
((4/4)) -- 193 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((5/5)) -- 59 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Phentermine)
((6/8)) -- 58 Online Casino
((7/6)) -- 57 OEM Software
((8/10)) -- 35 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((9/9)) -- 30 Human Growth Hormone
((10/7)) -- 25 Pheromones
((11/11)) -- 23 Stop Smoking
((12/13)) -- 22 Validate Your Identity (4 Wachovia, 3 Colonial Bank, 3 Equifax, 3 eBay)
((13/14)) -- 17 Please Watch This Non-Celebrity Sex Video
((13/18)) -- 17 Foreign Gibberish
((15/16)) -- 11 Online Dating Site
((15/--)) -- 11 Buy Designer Footwear
((17/--)) -- 8 Would You Chat With Me? (I Am Lonely & Probably Naked)
((18/12)) -- 6 Improve Your Health
((19/15)) -- 5 Some Celebrity Sex Related Link or Zip File (2 Angelina)
((19/--)) -- 5 Stock News
((21/18)) -- 4 View Your Suspicious Ecard Online
((22/20)) -- 3 Earn Your Degree
((22/--)) -- 3 Fucktube Is Back!
((22/--)) -- 3 Selling Fresh Base Info
((25/--)) -- 2 Your Internet Access Is Going to Get Suspended (Plus Zip File!)
((26/16)) -- 1 Job Offer/Employee Search
((26/--)) -- 1 Free Dowloadable Porn DVDs
((26/--)) -- 1 GPS Trackstick
((26/--)) -- 1 Zip File Labeled “Bitch!”

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Spam Forty-Two: The Answer to the Ultimate Spam

DO-SI-DO AT THE TOP OF THE CHART this week. Two is one. Four is three. Black is white! Boner Meds drop to #2 for only the second time in Chart history as PowerEnlarge, WonderCum, LNH Maxdik & Megadik all disappear without a trace, leaving VPXL the almost uncontested boner champ.

Even with the lack of boner enthusiasm, there was “very important news: Eleven year old scientist discovers masturbation.” Also, there was a great recipe circulated this week, one “for unmatching lofe making.” That’s good news for almost everyone, I think, as I know we all could use help in the “lofe making” department, whether it’s matching or un.

Let’s show this prehistoric Chart how we do things downtown.

SPAM WATCH WEEK FORTY-TWO
1,683 emails
BMS = 22% (down 9%)

((1/2)) -- 390 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((2/1)) -- 370 Boner Medication (73 VPXL, 36 Viagra/Cialis, 33 Penis Patch, 10 Erectifix, 3 MaxGain)
((3/4)) -- 266 Get Out Of Debt/Loan Approval
((4/3)) -- 250 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((5/6)) -- 69 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Phentermine)
((6/9)) -- 57 OEM Software
((7/10)) -- 42 Pheromones
((8/7)) -- 39 Online Casino
((9/8)) -- 38 Human Growth Hormone
((10/5)) -- 36 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((11/12)) -- 25 Stop Smoking
((12/14)) -- 18 Improve Your Health
((13/12)) -- 16 Validate Your Identity (4 BoA, 4 eBay, 3 RBC Bank)
((14/15)) -- 13 Please Watch This Non-Celebrity Sex Video or Zip File
((15/10)) -- 11 Some Celebrity Sex Related Link or Zip File (4 Angelina Jolie)
((16/17)) -- 9 Online Dating Site
((16/23)) -- 9 Job Offer/Employee Search
((18/16)) -- 7 View Your Suspicious Ecard Online
((18/18)) -- 7 Foreign Gibberish
((20/19)) -- 4 Earn Your Degree
((20/26)) -- 4 Bigger/Better Boobs
((22/23)) -- 1 Pain Relief
((22/--)) -- 1 Anti-Aging Magnetic Water!
((22/--)) -- 1 Fake Email News Alerts

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Spam Forty-One: The Baby Hijackers!

SURE, PART OF THE LESSON LEARNED THIS WEEK was about ramming. You haven’t heard about the ramming? Well, according to my spams, there was a survey and “ramming and jamming has been surveyed to be the best way to bang a girl.” But, apparently, it has to be both of them. You can’t just ram and you can’t just jam. You have to do both.

And for most weeks that would be the main thing I talk about, but there was some dramatic breaking news just as I was going to press. (Because that’s what blogs do. They go to press.) I got the following email:

Hey, We have hijacked your baby!
But you must pay once to us $50,000. The details we will send later…
We has attached photo of your fume

Apparently, my “fume” was in the form of a Zip file, which I should probably open if I want my baby to be un-hijacked. I wonder where the kidnappers are going to fly my kidnapped baby. I probably shouldn’t ask questions. I should probably just pay once to them $50,000. I guess I’m just supposed to email it back to them.

Oh wait, maybe this new spam has the answer for me, maybe this latest spam will tell me what to do. Let’s see what it says:

“Thunder fountain!”

Hmmmm. That was less helpful than I thought.

Aww, come on, guys! It’s so simple! Maybe you need a refresher Chart.

SPAM WATCH WEEK FORTY-ONE
1,786 emails
BMS = 31% (up 1%)

((1/1)) -- 558 Boner Medication (113 VPXL, 75 Viagra/Cialis, 27 Megadik, 22 Penis Patch, 15 WonderCum, 13 LNH Maxdik, 10 Erectifix, 8 MaxGain, 5 PowerEnlarge)
((2/2)) -- 400 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((3/3)) -- 248 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((4/4)) -- 188 Get Out Of Debt/Loan Approval
((5/8)) -- 81 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((6/7)) -- 43 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Hoodia)
((7/6)) -- 36 Online Casino
((8/11)) -- 31 Human Growth Hormone
((9/10)) -- 27 OEM Software
((10/5)) -- 25 Some Celebrity Sex Related Link or Zip File (10 Paris Hilton, 8 Britney Spears, 3 Angelina Jolie)
((10/8)) -- 25 Pheromones
((12/12)) -- 22 Stop Smoking
((12/14)) -- 22 Validate Your Identity (7 Bank of America)
((14/15)) -- 21 Improve Your Health
((15/16)) -- 11 Please Watch This Non-Celebrity Sex Video
((16/--)) -- 10 View Your Suspicious Ecard Online
((17/21)) -- 9 Online Dating Site
((18/13)) -- 8 Foreign Gibberish
((19/16)) -- 4 Earn Your Degree
((19/--)) -- 4 We Have Hijacked Your Baby (with Zip File)
((21/19)) -- 3 Buy Designer Footwear
((21/--)) -- 3 Stock News
((23/18)) -- 2 Job Offer/Employee Search
((23/--)) -- 2 Pain Relief
((23/--)) -- 2 You’re Invited to Classmates Day
((26/25)) -- 1 Bigger/Better Breasts

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Spam Forty: Pour It on the Curb

CAN WE PLEASE STOP TALKING ABOUT BRITNEY’S VAGINA! If I am to believe my spam (and why wouldn’t I?) the world was a-buzz with news about Britney Spears’ magical lady-place. Here’s a small sampling of the Britney vagina-related emails I got during this record-setting week (over 1,900 spams).

Britney’s vagina to attend AA on its own
Britney sues vagina for divorce
Britney vagina transplant to erase fools’ memory syndrome
Britney Spears admits "My vagina made me shave my head bald"

Even sans vagina, Britney was up to no good.

Britney steals Jamie Lynn’s fetus
Britney Spears applies for Barack Obama masseuse job
Britney Spears confession: “I’m the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s Baby!”

In other news, I still receive one (and only one) email a week addressed to “Hey, cat dick!” You know what that means...

Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together…Chart hysteria!

SPAM WATCH WEEK FORTY
1,923 emails
BMS = 30% (down 4%)

((1/1)) -- 584 Boner Medication (155 VPXL, 82 Viagra/Cialis, 27 Penis Patch, 19 MaxGain, 19 Megadik, 14 WonderCum, 13 LNH Maxdik, 8 PowerEnlarge, 4 Erectifix)
((2/2)) -- 403 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((3/3)) -- 323 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((4/4)) -- 178 Get Out Of Debt/Loan Approval
((5/7)) -- 101 Some Celebrity Sex Related Link or Zip File (39 Paris, 33 Britney, 18 Angelina, 3 Lohan)
((6/10)) -- 48 Online Casino
((7/8)) -- 38 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Hoodia)
((8/5)) -- 36 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((8/9)) -- 36 Pheromones
((10/12)) -- 29 OEM Software
((11/11)) -- 28 Human Growth Hormone
((12/15)) -- 19 Stop Smoking
((13/20)) -- 13 Foreign Gibberish
((14/19)) -- 12 Validate Your Identity (8 SunTrust)
((15/13)) -- 11 Improve Your Health
((16/22)) -- 10 Earn Your Degree
((16/--)) -- 10 Please Watch This Non-Celebrity Sex Video
((18/23)) -- 8 Job Offer/Employee Search
((19/--)) -- 7 Buy Designer Footwear
((19/--)) -- 7 Why Not Open This Mysterious Zip File?
((21/14)) -- 6 Olympic Themed Spam
((21/17)) -- 6 Online Dating Site
((23/--)) -- 4 Pain Relief
((24/--)) -- 2 You Won a Suspicious Foreign Lottery!
((25/20)) -- 1 Free Dowloadable Porn DVDs
((25/23)) -- 1 Hong Kong Bank Scam
((25/--)) -- 1 Electronic Products Wholesale
((25/--)) -- 1 Bigger or Better Boobs

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Spam Thirty-Nine: Steps

JUST A REMINDER, this Internets (the same one that you are reading right now) is filled with all kinds of useful stuff. If you are smart, you can “get your medicaments online.” Yes, medicaments are readily available! Also available: a wide variety of boner info.

Do you, for instance, want to “give your partner new feelings while you have a sex”? Or are you happy with the same old feeling while you have a sex? Because if you “wanna have a strong royal python, not a weak worm” this Internets has plenty of answers for you, like helping you “touch her heart with your new babymaker.”

That would be a new feeling while you have a sex, huh? I’m not sure it would be all that pleasurable for either person involved, but it does fall under the category of new feelings. Disturbing new feelings. Using your new deadly babymaker.

Now, hold onto your shit! We set a record in the spam-o-verse this week by 20 whole emails. Just three shy of 1,600. For some reason, I’m really excited about topping that plateau.

I have problems.

Somebody has to go back and get a shitload of Charts!

SPAM WATCH WEEK THIRTY-NINE
1,597 emails
BMS = 34% (unchanged)

((1/1)) -- 542 Boner Medication (169 VPXL, 57 Viagra/Cialis, 33 Megadik, 27 Penis Patch, 13 WonderCum, 13 LNH Maxdik, 10 MaxGain, 5 PowerEnlarge, 5 Erectifix)
((2/2)) -- 340 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((3/4)) -- 207 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((4/3)) -- 134 Get Out Of Debt/Loan Approval
((5/5)) -- 52 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((6/6)) -- 49 Fake Email News Alerts (25 MSNBC.com, 9 CNN)
((7/7)) -- 45 Some Celebrity Sex Related Link or Zip File (10 Angelina)
((8/8)) -- 37 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Hoodia)
((9/10)) -- 30 Pheromones
((10/12)) -- 29 Online Casino
((11/12)) -- 26 Human Growth Hormone
((12/9)) -- 24 OEM Software
((13/16)) -- 17 Improve Your Health
((14/11)) -- 15 Olympic Themed Spam
((15/17)) -- 11 Stop Smoking
((16/22)) -- 8 View Your Suspicious Ecard Online
((17/20)) -- 7 Online Dating Site
((18/15)) -- 6 Stock News
((19/20)) -- 5 Validate Your Identity (2 Lloyd’s TSB, Chase, 2 Google AdWords)
((20/12)) -- 3 Foreign Gibberish
((20/--)) -- 3 Free Dowloadable Porn DVDs
((22/17)) -- 2 Earn Your Degree
((23/24)) -- 1 Job Offer/Employee Search
((23/22)) -- 1 Hong Kong Bank Scam
((23/--)) -- 1 Do Not Visit This Illegal Websites!
((23/--)) -- 1 Electronic Products Wholesale
((23/--)) -- 1 Trackstick GPS


KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Spam Thirty-Eight: Gay-Ass Astronauts

“PERFECT MAKING LOVE IS NOT A JOKE!” I’m serious, people! This is important news I have received in my emails this week. I also learned that the “Catholic Church condemns metrosexuality.” And it’s about time they did. All of that grooming can’t be good for the soul. In related news, “school board adopts gay-ass uniform policy.” From the subject line alone, I could not tell whether this was good news or bad news for students.

Also, did you hear about the astronauts? It was all over the spams: “astronauts pose with the U.S. Snoopy.” At least they didn’t pose with the Russian Snoopy, he’s totally in the mob.

And now a poem created from spam subject lines:

Naked angels seen walking in downtown.
Woman gets humped by bears.
Can you confirm it?
Got hot! So easy!
Gay marriage could be profitable

Ray, when someone asks you if you’re a Chart, you say YES!

SPAM WATCH WEEK THIRTY-EIGHT
1,492 emails
BMS = 34% (up 3%)

((1/1)) -- 506 Boner Medication (176 VPXL, 76 PowerEnlarge, 34 Viagra/Cialis, 18 Megadik, 15 Penis Patch, 10 WonderCum, 9 LNH Maxdik, 5 MaxGain, 4 Erectifix)
((2/2)) -- 340 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((3/3)) -- 201 Get Out Of Debt/Loan Approval
((4/5)) -- 92 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((5/4)) -- 57 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((6/21)) -- 48 CNN Email Alerts (12 Daily Top 10)
((7/7)) -- 39 Some Celebrity Sex Related Link or Zip File (3 Angelina)
((8/9)) -- 35 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Hoodia)
((9/6)) -- 29 OEM Software
((10/11)) -- 20 Pheromones
((11/12)) -- 18 Olympic Themed Spam
((12/8)) -- 14 Online Casino
((12/14)) -- 14 Foreign Gibberish
((12/15)) -- 14 Human Growth Hormone
((15/10)) -- 12 Stock News
((16/18)) -- 11 Improve Your Health
((17/13)) -- 9 Earn Your Degree
((17/16)) -- 9 Stop Smoking
((19/19)) -- 6 Buy Designer Footwear
((20/16)) -- 5 Validate Your Identity (4 Google AdWords, Colonial Bank)
((20/21)) -- 5 Online Dating Site
((22/--)) -- 3 View Your Suspicious Ecard Online
((22/--)) -- 3 Hong Kong Bank Scam
((24/23)) -- 1 Job Offer/Employee Search
((24/--)) -- 1 National Lottery

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Spam Thirty-Seven: Celebrity Skin

THERE WAS A LOT OF CELEBRITY NEWS this week that could not be confirmed. But since the source was my spam email folder, I think it’s pretty safe to say the stories were true. Did you know, for instance, that “actress Sienna Miller has had her Brazilian-style hair permed for her upcoming Hippie movie?” Or that “Obama is anorexic over-exerciser?” Or that “Britney Spears [is] pregnant with Antichrist?” All three stories are shockingly true...according to my sources.

Nude celebrities were also popular this week, as evidenced by the Celebrity Sex Related Link or Zip File emails cracking the top 10. Not only was Jennifer Lopez “extremly naked!!!” (yes, three exclamation points), but the Naked Angelina emails continued to flow, despite “bodyguards positioned outside Jolie’s vagina.”

And let me apologize for writing a sentence that included the words “flow” and “vagina.”

That Chart really tied the room together.

SPAM WATCH WEEK THIRTY-SEVEN
1,279 emails
BMS = 31% (down 2%)

((1/1)) -- 394 Boner Medication (86 VPXL, 27 PowerEnlarge, 20 WonderCum, 19 Viagra/Cialis, 17 The Penis Patch, 13 MaxGain, 12 Megadik, 11 LNH Maxdik, 7 Erectifix)
((2/2)) -- 236 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((3/5)) -- 157 Get Out Of Debt/Payday Loans
((4/4)) -- 107 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((5/3)) -- 106 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((6/7)) -- 47 OEM Software
((7/6)) -- 47 Some Celebrity Sex Related Link or Zip File (12 Angelina)
((8/8)) -- 31 Online Casino
((9/10)) -- 30 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Hoodia)
((10/15)) -- 29 Stock News
((11/12)) -- 24 Pheromones
((12/--)) -- 13 Olympic Themed Spam
((13/9)) -- 11 Earn Your Degree
((14/11)) -- 8 Foreign Gibberish
((15/18)) -- 7 Human Growth Hormone
((16/14)) -- 6 Validate Your Identity (3 CitiBank, 2 eBay)
((16/16)) -- 6 Stop Smoking
((18/13)) -- 5 Improve Your Health
((19/16)) -- 4 Buy Designer Footwear
((19/--)) -- 4 The FBI is Watching Us Through Facebook
((21/20)) -- 2 Online Dating Site
((21/--)) -- 2 CNN Daily Top 10
((23/--)) -- 1 Job Offer/Employee Search
((23/--)) -- 1 Weekly Sweepstakes Winner!
((23/--)) -- 1 You Are Living in the Worst City

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Spam Thirty-Six: Spam & the Economy

WITH THE ECONOMY STILL IN THE CRAPPER, the spam bag is brimming with promises of easy money and easy escape. The Get Out of Debt emails stayed at the #5 spot, followed immediately by Naked Angelina at #6. And if those two indicators don’t spell “recession” then I guess I’m not much of an economist.

And maybe I’m not. (I am not.) But the slow fade of the Luxury Replica emails, which were long a fixture at #2, in favor of the rise of Canadian/Online Pharmacy can be interpreted as a message from the spam-o-verse that people are more concerned with health care than with luxury items. Hell, even Designer Footwear (#16) is dropping almost off the Chart these days. See? People can't afford to spend their extra money on watches, purses and shoes made by Gucci, Patek Phillipe and Rolex anymore. They only want to assure the quality of their boners.

It's classic Keynesian economics!

(Only it isn't. Or maybe it is. I don't really know what Keynesian economics is.)

On the speculative front, three separate spins on the Nigerian Bank Scam popped up, landing at #19, oddly enough none from Nigeria, claiming to represent vast sums of money from South Korea, Spain and Hong Kong. And Stock News, which for many months was nowhere to be seen on the Chart, is storming back. Well, if not exactly storming back, at least it’s on the rise, up six spots this week to #15.

See? The economist in me (there isn’t one) is telling me these are all signs of economic downturn, of a nervous population hoping for more stability and leadership. It’s not really a good sign, I don’t think, for where we’re going. Unless...

Where we’re going, we don’t need Chart.

SPAM WATCH WEEK THIRTY-SIX
1,250 emails
BMS = 33% (up 2%)

((1/1)) -- 411 Boner Medication (97 VPXL, 34 Viagra/Cialis, 25 PowerEnlarge, 15 LNH Maxdik, 13 MaxGain, 9 WonderCum, 9 Megadik, 6 Erectifix)
((2/2)) -- 254 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((3/3)) -- 159 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((4/5)) -- 138 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((5/5)) -- 52 Get Out Of Debt/Loan Approval
((6/7)) -- 39 Promises of Naked Angelina Jolie Movie
((7/4)) -- 37 OEM Software
((8/8)) -- 25 Online Casino
((9/12)) -- 17 Earn Your Degree
((10/9)) -- 16 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Hoodia)
((11/16)) -- 15 Foreign Gibberish
((12/14)) -- 14 Pheromones
((13/11)) -- 13 Improve Your Health
((14/10)) -- 12 Validate Your Identity (3 Chase Online, 2 eBay, 2 Google AdWords)
((15/21)) -- 11 Stock News
((16/13)) -- 10 Stop Smoking
((16/17)) -- 10 Buy Designer Footwear
((18/14)) -- 7 Human Growth Hormone
((19/--)) -- 3 Nigerian Bank Scam (South Korean, Hong Kong, Spain)
((20/17)) -- 2 Online Dating Site
((20/--)) -- 2 Zorbeez
((20/--)) -- 2 Fake Undeliverable/Returned Email
((23/--)) -- 1 Win a Custom Chopper!
((23/--)) -- 1 Air Passenger Fuel Surcharge Settlement Notice

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Spam Thirty-Five: Naked Angelina, Serial Killers & Tornadoes

LOTS OF FAKE NEWS ABOUT ANGELINA JOLIE in this week’s spam bag. First there was the deluge of Naked Angelina Jolie Movie emails, enough, in fact, to easily capture the #7 slot. Then, there was the horrifying subject line of “Pregnancy bleed forces Jolie to abort.” But that was leavened with the message inside the spam that said, “Official Beatles reunion to start in August, get your tickets now!”

It’s an interesting marketing ploy on the part of The Beatles. On one hand, it does get the attention of the audience, much in the same way that “Boobs! Now that I’ve gotten your attention, I’d like to talk to you about insurance” does. However, I remain unconvinced that associating your band (even if it is The Beatles) with abortion is a good way to increase ticket sales. Conversely, I think associating insurance with boobs is probably a good idea for the insurance industry. But maybe I just don’t know anything about marketing.

In other nonsensical spam news, I noticed an interesting trend in subject line/message pairings that played out like a weird sing-songy poem. It began with this three-spam sequence:

[subject] / [message]
Free tickets to Mariah Carey concert / Serial killer loves to party
Serial killer loves to party / You are about to get fired
You are about to get fired / Serial killer loves to party

I don’t know whether it’s good news or not that the serial killer loves to party. Is seems as though it’s meant to make him seem more personable to me, but he’s still a serial killer, so I think I’ll pass on partying with him, if you don’t mind. Additionally, if it’s good news that the serial killer loves to party, it’s absolutely bad news that I’m about to get fired. So, the mixed message is very confusing.

The sing-song pattern was repeated in what seemed like a Beat-era poem that I will reprint below :

[subject] / [message]
Describe your day / Wanna be cool?
Describe your day / It may shock you!
It may shock you! / Tornado!
Tornado! / Wanna be cool?
Describe your day / Vulcan!

The answer is, yes, tornadoes do shock me! Yes, I do wanna be cool! And, finally, yes, I do wanna be a Vulcan!

Chart long and prosper!

SPAM WATCH WEEK THIRTY-FIVE
1,304 emails
BMS = 31% (down 3%)

((1/1)) -- 401 Boner Medication (75 VPXL, 56 Viagra/Cialis, 44 PowerEnlarge, 18 MaxGain, 10 WonderCum, 9 LNH Maxdik, 7 MaxHerbal, 6 Erectifix, 1 Megadik)
((2/2)) -- 286 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((3/3)) -- 196 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((4/4)) -- 88 OEM Software
((5/5)) -- 54 Get Out Of Debt/Loan Approval
((5/8)) -- 54 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((7/--)) -- 50 Promises of Naked Angelina Jolie Movie
((8/6)) -- 33 Online Casino
((9/7)) -- 26 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Hoodia)
((10/14)) -- 19 Validate Your Identity (6 Capital One, 5 PayPal, 3 eBay)
((11/12)) -- 16 Improve Your Health
((12/15)) -- 14 Earn Your Degree
((13/9)) -- 12 Stop Smoking
((14/10)) -- 11 Human Growth Hormone
((14/11)) -- 11 Pheromones
((16/17)) -- 9 Foreign Gibberish
((17/16)) -- 7 Buy Designer Footwear
((17/19)) -- 7 Online Dating Site
((19/13)) -- 6 Free Dowloadable Porn DVDs
((20/18)) -- 2 Job Offer/Employee Search
((21/19)) -- 1 Stock News
((21/--)) -- 1 Confirm Your Online Winning (Dayzers Lottery Netherland)

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Spam Thirty-Four: All Quiet on the Boner Front

IN A TUMULTUOUS TIME, it is comforting to see such stability on the Boner Chart. Even though a giant lender in California went belly-up (prompting a spike in Get Out Of Debt/Loan Approval emails), the Chart arrives fairly unruffled from last week. Nearly half of the categories remained steady in their slots or moved a mere 1 or 2 notches total. The notable exceptions were the lowly (and peculiar) All Kinds of Embroideries returning to the Chart after a 20-week absence, Get Out Of Debt re-entering at a lofty #5 and Buy Designer Footwear plummeting from #7 to #16.

Other than that, all seemed business as usual on the Chart, with spammers wanting to know if I wanted “to be ready for sexxxx in a one seconds?” I was also reminded, “Don’t be sad about badboner. We will help you!” And when I needed to be lifted up with positive thinking and a call to action, I looked no further than my junk mailbox: “Hey, cat dick!” someone shouted. “You can make it much bigger, what are you waiting for?”

I don’t really have an answer to that one.

The Chart do take a bite, don’t she?

SPAM WATCH WEEK THIRTY-FOUR
1,492 emails
BMS = 34% (up 5%)

((1/1)) -- 512 Boner Medication (130 VPXL, 48 Viagra/Cialis, 30 MaxGain, 26 PowerEnlarge, 16 WonderCum, 13 LNH Maxdik, 11 Erectifix, 2 Megadik)
((2/2)) -- 309 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((3/3)) -- 214 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((4/4)) -- 95 OEM Software
((5/--)) -- 56 Get Out Of Debt/Loan Approval
((6/6)) -- 48 Online Casino
((7/8)) -- 42 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Hoodia)
((8/5)) -- 41 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((9/10)) -- 27 Stop Smoking
((10/10)) -- 25 Human Growth Hormone
((11/9)) -- 24 Pheromones
((12/12)) -- 21 Improve Your Health
((13/15)) -- 20 Free Dowloadable Porn DVDs
((14/14)) -- 13 Validate Your Identity (5 Capital One, 3 Colonial Bank)
((15/13)) -- 10 Earn Your Degree
((16/7)) -- 9 Buy Designer Footwear
((17/--)) -- 8 Foreign Gibberish
((18/17)) -- 6 Job Offer/Employee Search
((19/17)) -- 4 Online Dating Site
((19/19)) -- 4 Stock News
((21/--)) -- 1 Some Sex Related Zip File Attached
((21/-)) -- 1 All Kinds of Embroideries
((21/-)) -- 1 Win This Hour’s Cash Prize!
((21/-)) -- 1 The First Indoor Electric Turkey Fryer

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week