Olde Tyme Dating

HERE ARE SOME CLASSIC VIDEO DATING TAPES from the '80s. Please enjoy! Also, for fun, try to pick out the non-serial killer in the montage. (HINT: There is only one.)

Brace Yourself

http://www.nbak.tierranet.com/main.htm

Mommy, What Are the Animals Doing?

WATCH AND BE DISTURBED. You might think it's a short film about how animals love orgies and orange drink. But it's actually a French ad for Orangina. Whatever the case, you should watch it and then try to describe it to someone else. It's harder than you think.



Thank you, Videogum, for giving me nightmares for the rest of my life.

Mystery Solved!

AFTER A WEEK OF GOOD CLEAN J.O. ENTERTAINMENT, a keen-eyed Australian has solved the mystery weighing on many people's minds since I posted this photo and commentary.



This can't be real, right? This has to be fake.

That is what a lot of people said to me after I posted it. And my response was, "It's so weird, it's probably fake. But, then again, it's just weird enough to be true." Well, it wasn't real, it turns out. It was one of several fake j.o. ads concoted by a writer for Something Awful. It is, I think, the funniest of the fake ads (although the "j.o. into my wallet" concept is pretty genius too). Equally as funny is this j.o. ad my friend John sent me.

I am absolutely certain this one's fake. What with the hot tornado action and all.



Ultimately, I'm not surprised to find out the ad is fake. I am a little sad though. I guess part of me was really entertained by the notion that there was this guy out there whose quest for personal happiness included the combination of model trains and imitation crab meat. But I have faith. I firmly believe that there's a real guy out there who's every bit as weird as this fake guy. I'm sure that somewhere there's a guy getting off to a room full of trains. He may not be in Philly. He may not be 48. He may not even like imitation crab meat. But he's out there, searching for his j.o. buddy. And I, for one, hope that he finds one.

What can I say, I'm a romantic.

Pulling A Train

A FRIEND OF A FRIEND OF A FRIEND sent this unbelievable link to a photo on Flickr, under the heading "Best Thing EVER. Discuss." It's not so much a photo, as a screen grab from Craigslist. Spoiler alert! If you follow the link, this is what you'll find.


Okay, I feel like I need to break this shit down into its component parts.

Let me begin with the first photo: that of a very complicated train set. Okay. So far so good. Picture #2...whoops! Naked middle aged guy! Wow, what the fuck?

"Want age 25-70 guy to come over and jo in my model train room."
The first time I read this I thought "jo in" was supposed to be "join", like he had accidentally typed a space in the middle of the word. I have never been so sad to be wrong in my life. All right, so this guy wants another guy from his mid-20s to early 70s to come over and jack off in his model train room. Whatever, different shit gets different people off. My question is the age range. 25-70? That is sooooo inspecific. But I guess that's necessary, considering the task at hand: Wanting someone who totally wants to jack off to model trains. Okay, moving on.

"mutual touching and stuff but nothing more than that...I'm not gay"
Of course you're not gay. What's gay about jacking off over trains. Nothing, that's what. That said...what EXACTLY does this guy mean by "stuff." Also, mutual touching seems a little gay to me. Then again, I'm not really on board with the wanking over trains idea, so obviously I'm not the target audience.

"I'm not gay"
Wait...I changed my mind. Yes you are.

"It's all HO scale."
This is important, motherfuckers. Coz everybody knows N and Z scale aren't fuckin' sexy at all! Let's be serious. Like you can get a boner from that tiny-ass shit. Maybe you can if you're gay. But like the man said, he's not gay, so stop asking him to blow you.

"then after you finish you can stomp around and kick the trains and buildings like a monster"
Here's where we kick this ad up to the next level. This is what I suppose falls under the category of "value added." Not only do you get to jack off with a weird 48-year-old guy in his model train room, but now you get to pretend you're a monster too! Stomping AND kicking? Fuck yeah! My two favorite things (after jacking off in a train room.) Awesome! Nothing better after a wank than playing Godzilla, right?

"(don't break they are my sons)"
Now, my wife and I have a disagreement about this. My wife thinks the guy is saying that the trains are like his children. Whereas I believe that the trains belong to his son. If I am right, then there's going to be a really sad kid who finds this post on Craigslist and realizes that his dad's been spanking it to his prized trains. "Seriously, dad, get your own fucking trains if you want to bring random guys over for a circle jerk. On second thought, you can just keep these. Also, never speak to me again."

"we can do this until 4 am or until we get tired"
So, listen up, prospective train wanker, the expectation is that you will wank and stomp and kick for many hours. Even though this guy is pushing 50, he can do this shit until the wee hours. He's obviously done this till 4 am before. No problem. But if you get tired before then, that's okay. Don't think he won't be disappointed in you, though. 'Cause he will be.

"also..."
Wait...there's more?

"i have lots of imitation crab meat in my freezer that i need to get rid of so you can have a bunch when you leave."
A parting gift? And it's not even REAL crab meat? And wait, why did you say "get rid of"? Was it used in a crime? And what do you mean by "bunch"? Are you just going to have your "guests" grab handfuls of fake crab? Somehow, at this point in the ad, that wouldn't surprise me at all.

"its all perfectly good"
Why do you feel the need to reassure everyone about the imitation crab meat? Why would someone even be suspicious of the quality of the imitation crab meat they get from a guy they just jacked off with in his train room? If you can't trust a guy you just jacked off with (not to mention the stomping around like a monster afterwards), who can you trust?

"we just got too much!!!"
We? Um...you're not gay, or at least you say you aren't. So the "we" must imply a wife? Oh dear, now I'm the saddest I've been all day. Maybe looking at this guy's picture will cheer me up...oh no. No it doesn't. Sadder now. Ever sadder.

UPDATE: The j.o. mystery is solved here.

Give Yourself the Finger

DID YOU KNOW THAT LACK OF PROPER MASSAGE can bring on problems? Well, it can. Apparently. That's why you (probably) need a Vibra-Finger! It has a novel design that allows localized massage in...um...you know..."needed areas." Also, it's hygienic and costs only $9.95. Upon first glance, it may not be obvious what the Vibra-Finger is for. I mean, it doesn't exactly say. It just tells you, parenthetically, that this Vibra-Finger is "full length." Which, and I don't think I'm going out on a limb, brings to mind only dirty uses for this finger that you plug into the wall. Because I read the big words first and the highlighted words next, I ended up a little confused when I found out that this paucity of massage could create "soft, irritated gums" resulting in loose teeth and bad breath.

What the? So you put this in your mouth? Really?

It wasn't until I found the other ad for the Vibra-Finger, which clearly spells out what the Finger is all about. It leads with the headline Dentists Recommend Daily Gum Massage and inserts (ahem) the words "gum massager" between the Vibra and the Finger.



Even though the product resembles a human finger hacked off and attached to an electric knife handle, this ad reassures with the promise of increased and improved circulation, and that the experience is "cleansing and refreshing", also that the product makes a gift that is both "different and useful." One of the bullet points beneath the product title reads "Sanitary -- Fits in Your Hand", which seems to imply a causal relationship. As if anything that fits in one's hand is automatically far more sanitary than products that are larger.

Most outstanding in this particular ad, however, is the creepy clip-art doctor in the upper right corner, who finds it necessary to tell me that the Vibra-Finger is for my "personal use."

A couple of thoughts on this. While this ad has the clearest language describing what the Finger is used for, it is the most salacious, I think. Because the creepy doctor's words supersede all. FOR YOUR PERSONAL USE. I feel like he's about to wink at me and add, "You know what I mean by personal use, now don't you?"

As if I need to be told! As if I might be tempted to share my finger with others! Or I might pilot this mechanical finger into the mouths of visitors to my home or strangers on the street. Or as if, at a party say, me and my hippie buddies would pass the Vibra-Finger around like a hookah, taking turns putting it in our mouths. Only later to realize, "Oh shit! This thing isn't for public use! We're doing it wrong!"

Now, put those images out of your mind, completely out of your mind, and only look at the product as I repeat a few words from the boxed text, the part announcing the "special gift offer", where the ad encourages me to buy "one for myself and one for a friend." Okay, now, imagine it's your birthday party and you're opening gifts. And one of your friends excitedly pushes their gift into your hands. "Open mine next!" You agree and when you open the box, you see this item inside.

Responding to your stunned silence (and the silence that has descended upon the entire party), the gift-giver says, "It's a gum massager!"

More silence.

"I have one too! It's fantastic!"

A few days later, when that same friend asks you, "Have you used your Finger yet?" How do you respond:
a) by running away.
b) by laughing uncomfortably and then running away.
c) by throwing up.
d) by saying, "What is your fucking problem, man? What the fuck did you give me a vibrating finger for? That's the creepiest fucking thing I've ever seen!"
e) by moaning and pointing at your groin.

Discuss.

Lars & the Real Lap

ADMITTEDLY, THIS IS OLD NEWS, but I just came across it today during the most innocent of Google image searches, one containing only the word "pillow." On the first page of returned images, second row down, I saw this image of an older Asian man sleeping on the lower torso of a lady in a skirt.

Why, it's the perfect gift for the serial killer who has everything! It's part of a lady! The best part, her lap!

As you can see, there are two options, black miniskirt and red miniskirt, and at about $100, it's a bargain. And it's not just for perverts. And by that I mean, it's not for perverts at all. Right, Makoto Igarashi?

"We created this item to help tired people relax," said Igarashi, the creepy lap pillow maker's managing director.

Sure. "Tired" people. Wink, wink. Like that "tired" guy in the trench coat on the subway? The guy with his hands in his pockets who just moans and stares, because he's so tired? That guy?

Also, wait a second: "to help tired people relax?" Not sleep -- relax. I guess most people have regular pillows to sleep on. What they really need, especially if they're really tired, is a different kind of pillow solely made for relaxation.

Also, wait another second: people? Are you sure you don't just mean men? I'm not entirely convinced that women of all ages also find it relaxing to put their heads in the free-floating laps of young ladies.

But the company is convinced of the product's wholesomeness, even as they explain the attention paid to details such as the softness of the thighs, panty lines on the pillow's "backside" and wrinkles in the lap of the skirt so as to make the pillow look and feel as real as possible. Because, if you're a "tired person," panty lines on the backside of your pillow might make it impossible for you to relax.

I just like to imagine the reaction of a single woman who goes to her new boyfriend's apartment for the first time and finds one of these pillows in front of the TV. I like to think that the woman is at first startled, thinking that she's seeing half of an actual person, and so she screams bloody murder.

"Whoa, whoa, calm down," the boyfriend says, chuckling knowingly. "I know what you're thinking, but I haven't chopped a woman in half and kept her legs and hips in my living room. It's actually a pillow...for tired people to...you know...relax."

They both share a laugh...and then the girlfriend runs out of the apartment screaming.

I also like to think of a family at Christmas, and someone has gotten dad this pillow. He opens it and the room falls silent, as everyone looks at each other. Finally, someone breaks the silence, "What the fuck is that?"

Then the mother begins to cry.

See? It's the perfect gift!