This Is NOT Charlie Sheen's Breakfast

FOR OBVIOUS REASONS.

Oscar (Knee) Jerk

AFTER READING THE NOMINATIONS THIS MORNING, I wasted no time in predicting my winners...

BEST PICTURE -- Avatar Hollywood loves to congratulate itself. And what better way to do that than to give a Best Picture Oscar to the highest grossing film ever? Does Avatar deserve to be called "Best Picture"? Of course not. But since when is it standard for the actual best film to win?

BEST DIRECTOR -- Kathryn Bigelow Until she won the DGA award, I really thought her ex-husband was going to sweep this statuette up too. But Bigelow wins this year because of two things: Oscar voters love to "do the right thing", even if that means taking nearly a century to finally recognize a female director. And Oscar voters are sexist, by which I mean if The Hurt Locker wasn't a "dude film directed by a lady," Bigelow wouldn't even be mentioned. She had to show she could "direct like a man" before they'd take her seriously.

BEST ACTOR -- Jeff Bridges
BEST ACTRESS -- Sandra Bullock
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS -- Mo'Nique In the acting categories, the early awards really tell the tale.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR -- Christoph Waltz It's sad to think that this will likely be the only award that (easily) the best film of the year will take home on Oscar night. But there is no performance by ANYONE this year as amazing as Waltz's performance.

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE -- Up Pixar wins because...Pixar!

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM -- The White Ribbon Always bet on the Germans.

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY -- The Hurt Locker Inglourious Basterds should win, but for some reason it won't.

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY -- In The Loop It's an upset! People might think Up in the Air will win, but instead this movie that I haven't even seen will! Why do I think that? Mostly because I think Up in the Air is average at best! Hooray!

Let's see how I do.

Please keep in mind that I thought very little about this process, and neither should you. Seriously, don't we have better things to worry about these days?

And, yes, I'm talking about Tough Love and The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love.

Not Sure This Is a Good Idea

SINCE THIS IS AN ELECTION YEAR, I feel like the Right Wing may go to any length to secure the White House once again. To further fuel this paranoid speculation, I offer the following news item.



Let me first say that I couldn't be less surprised to discover that Arnold owns an Austrian tank. I'm only surprised that he doesn't drive it everywhere. I guess the fact that it's been in Ohio since the late '90s would explain that. But now he wants his tank back? So he can give rides to schoolchildren? That sounds fishy to me.

In his autobiography, Arnold: The Education of a Bodybuilder, Schwarzenegger recalled his first experience driving a tank (while in Austrian tank-driving school naturally). Driving a tank, he wrote, “appealed to the part of me that has always been moved by any show of strength and force.”

“He's going to have it closer to home, in California, so he can enjoy it,” Schwarzenegger's press secretary said.

So, he wants to "enjoy" his tank, and he associates tanks with a "show of strength and force."

Fuck. I think he's going to attack America.

And if you also consider that he's an unstoppable robot from the future. We're totally fucked.