Look How Photogenic You Are!

I SAW A PICTURE OF YOU in the paper the other day. So I clipped it out.



I have to say. You look pretty good, all things considered.

Hail to the Chief?

I HAVE BEEN GONE FOR A WHILE, I know. An explanation is coming shortly. It's a very strange story, I promise.

In the meantime, please understand that this is not a picture of Barack Obama. Except that it is.



For more amazing paintings of our president, please visit badpaintingsofbarackobama.com.

{Via Moe}

Did You Have Your Baby in St. Tropez?

AHH, THE GOOD OLD DAYS! When mothers would cook their babies a little every day.

Seriously Though, Yogi Okie Dokie

EVERYONE'S EXPERIENCE IS DIFFERENT. But for me, the discomfort with this video starts with the mom jeans.



{were it not for Nick, I would not be hosting this nightmare}

Shake Shake Shake!

YOU CANNOT PARODY THIS. Because it is already hilarious.



They decided to forgo the catch phrase, "Jerk the weight off in just six minutes!"

{from Videogum}

Hair Today

THIS IS NOT RIDICULOUS.


Just so you know.

File Under: Corporate Speak

IN A TRAGIC TURN OF EVENTS LAST NIGHT, a monorail train at Disney World crashed into another monorail train, killing the driver. It's horrible news, which was handled with an appropriate amount of sensitivity, by Mike Griffin, Disney's vice president for public affairs. Oh wait! I meant lack of sensitivity!

"Today we mourn the loss of our fellow cast member," read the statement from Griffin.

Seriously? Cast member?

A man was just killed on your monorail? Do you really have to insist upon using your corporate-decreed euphemism for "employee"? I know, in the make-believe world of your theme park, it is important to refer to employees as cast members. I'm sure you've had meetings and sent out memos about it. I'm sure there have been discussions even about whether or not it should be hyphenated. (Apparently, it should not be.) Managers are probably reprimanded if they say "employee" instead of "cast member".

I mean, seriously. Cast member! In a public statement of mourning!

That's a whole new level of douchebaggery. So congratulations to you Mike Griffin, and also to you Disney World, you guys are awesome!

America's Favorite Cube!

THIS WILL BE MICHAEL BAY'S NEXT BIG MOVIE. Provided he only draws inspiration from crappy Saturday morning cartoons from the '80s.



I think my favorite part about this cartoon is this: When faced with the problem of turning the Rubik's Cube into a "leading man", the designers locked themselves in a room with the promise that they "would not come out until they had come up with a clever way to make an ordinary cube cuddly and adorable." But after five minutes of that nonsense they just decided to slap arms and legs and a face borrowed from a Troll Doll on the cube and call it a weekend. I mean, seriously, what's the fucking point, right?

{Thank you, Topless Robot.}

Putting the P Into Merchandising

NOT THAT I HAVE HIGH EXPECTATIONS when it comes to Kiss bassist Gene Simmons. This is a guy who is so shameless in his self-promotion that he sells Kiss coffins -- under the name Kiss Kasket, naturally. Also, Kiss Kondoms, Kiss Kamping gear and a Kiss Checkers set.

But as part of the promotion for the A&E series Gene Simmons' Family Jewels, there are urinal cakes out there with Gene's face on them. And they talk when they're hit with a stream of urine. I'm assuming they say something like, "Please stop peeing on my face. It's degrading. Please. I beg of you!"

The cakes are such a hit with fans that many are being stolen from urinals.

Adding a punch line here would seem redundant, right?

As If You Needed a Reason to Put Snails on Your Face

WHAT'S SHOCKING ABOUT THIS STORY isn't that a kid tried to put a bunch of snails on his face. I mean, he's an 11-year-old boy. Of course he's gonna put a bunch of snails on his face. Why not?



No, the shocking thing is that there was actually already a world record for number of snails on the face. Who knew there was a record out there to break. As far as I knew, the current world record for snails on the face was zero. Or maybe one. Nope, the previous record was 36.

I mean, the first guy to put snails on his face had it easy. "There! I've got a snail on my face! Put me in the Guinness book!" But now? Wow, it's gonna take a big face to break that record.

The White House Christmas Video

HARD TO BELIEVE, BUT THEY MADE THIS IN 2008. Drop some acid first, and then enjoy the weird, weird ride.

My Indy Diary

TO GIVE ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF MY ACUTE MENTAL POWERS, before the latest Indiana Jones movie came out, about three weeks prior, I told the wife, "I bet it's going to be really good." She, of course, laughed, given my track record. By the time the movie hit the theaters, my enthusiasm had waned, and I never mustered up the energy to go see it. A few weeks ago, it showed up on pay per view, and by this time, I had more than heard the negative reviews. But there were also so many positive reviews. So many "it's not great but it's still worth the money" reviews, that I became convinced it was, at worst, mediocre.

Oh, if only that were true.

This installment is so bad, I'm shocked any reviewers gave it a thumbs up. It's so bad, it made me nostalgic about the first sequel. It's so bad, I kept a diary of my thoughts, a list really, while I watched the film. I called it:

QUESTIONS & COMMENTS THAT OCCURRED TO ME WHILE I WATCHED INDIANA JONES & THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL

1. Oh dear, the credits are still rolling and already I'm concerned. Why are the opening two minutes about some kids from the ‘50s trying to race an Army convoy? Unless there's going to be a twist. Is there going to be a twist? There isn't? The kids just drive on while the convoy turns down a dusty road? Those kids from the ‘50s don’t really have anything to do with anything? Well, that doesn’t exactly fill me with confidence.
2. The Russians are the bad guys? Really?
3. Are you kidding me? Are we really in Area 51? Seriously?
4. Indy was kidnapped in Mexico and brought here? Why didn't we start in Mexico? With Indy searching for relics and being kidnapped by the Russians? Just a thought.
5. Who’s this British guy Indy’s palling around with? I’ll just bet he doesn’t live another five minutes of screen time.
6. So this box is so magnetic that it will draw gunpowder from a hundred yards away?
7. Uh-oh, the British guy’s a Benedict Arnold. Now he’s working for Cate Blanchett, who’s psychic or something?
8. Oh wait, the box isn’t magnetic anymore for some reason! Suddenly, it’s not drawn to all the metal in the Jeep. That makes sense, I guess, Jeeps aren’t really made from much metal.
9. Indy’s trapped in the atomic blast zone moments before the A-bomb is detonated, really?
10. They really had the TV on in the fake town in the blast zone? Are you, the filmmakers, sure that’s historically accurate?
11. So Howdy Doody is on the TV? Is Spielberg worried that I’ve forgotten this movie is set in the ‘50s? We are just like 15 minutes into the movie.
12. He’s not going to climb inside a refrigerator for safety, is he? To save himself from an atomic blast? He's not going to really do that, right?
13. He is? Oh boy.
14. Fridges used to be “lined with lead for better insulation”, like this one conveniently says inside the door? Why don’t I believe that?
15. So, the fake town is destroyed, and the Russians’ car is blown to bits, but the fridge is just flung free of the blast site, left a little blackened, but Indy is okay inside? Are you sure about that? You sure you don’t want to rewrite that?
16. Look out! The FBI are after Indy now. This will probably cause a lot of complications.
17. Wait. Indy was a government agent in between the original movies and this one? Wha?
18. More than that, he’s a decorated hero? Hmmmm, this seems like a weird choice.
19. Now Indy’s back teaching his college course? I feel like the movie started over!
20. Nope. He’s not teaching anymore. The FBI searched his office, or so we’re told, so he got fired from his job at the university. Makes perfect sense.
21. Why is The Shy Beef (my wife's nickname for Shia LaBeouf) dressed like Marlon Brando in The Wild One? I mean, like exactly like him. So, that’s a joke, I guess? Oy.
22. So, one minute Indy’s on a train that’s leaving the station, is in fact almost out of the station, and now, because The Shy Beef shouted at him, he’s magically off the train? What about his luggage?
23. Okay, now we’re talking about the Crystal Skull? Now? Thirty-five minutes into the movie? I feel like the movie started over again. Again!
24. Wow. Now the KGB is after him too? Things are sure getting complicated for Indy.
25. Did Indy really just say “You brought a knife to a gun fight”?
26. Are they really having an all-out brawl between college kids and “greasers” set to a raucous version of “Shake Rattle n’ Roll”? Oh brother.
27. There’s an anti-commie rally happening on campus? Complete with a “Better Dead Than Red” banner? Spielberg must really think I’ve forgotten this is set in the ‘50s and the Russians are the bad guys. In fact, he must think I'm retarded.
28. So, the kid in the library is unfazed by The Shy Beef, Indy and a motorcycle sliding under his table? He just shrugs it off and asks Professor Jones a question about the assignment? Is that supposed to be funny too? Nah, couldn't be.
29. So The Shy Beef is going to fly all the way to Peru with his motorcycle? Sure, that makes a lot of sense.
30. Wow, this sound stage sure looks sorta like a Peruvian grave site. At least, like a grave site built on a sound stage.
31. Um, this movie looks really cheap. Did they not have money to make this film? I'm fairly certain they had more than a million dollars to spend on this movie.
32. I wonder if there’s going to be some new twist on the ol’ “snakes, why did it have to be snakes” bit?
33. I guess there doesn’t need to be an explanation why these weird guys are attacking Indy and The Shy Beef at the grave site?
34. Nope, an explanation is unnecessary. Especially now that the weird guys have left as suddenly and as inexplicably as they arrived.
35. How come Indy forgot The Shy Beef had a knife? Everyone else in the theater remembers, since we watched him do knife tricks in close up for about a minute of screen time earlier, not to mention the “knife/gun fight” line.
36. So, Indy’s looking for alien relics now? Aliens? In an Indiana Jones movie? That can’t be right, can it?
37. Ooooh! The Crystal Skull is super magnetic! So magnetic it even attracts gold? Huh?
38. Uh-oh, the British guy is back with the Russians. Maybe now the movie’s on track to making more sense? How come I have no confidence in that?
39. Ah, the British guy isn’t in this for the politics of it, he’s just in it for the gold. Gosh, I wonder if the his greed is going to come back to bite him in the ass?
40. The Crystal Skull is the key to Russian “Psychic warfare?” Whaaaaa?
41. The Crystal Skull is a relic from “Saucermen from Mars?” Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?
42. According to Cate Blanchett, “The skull does not speak to everyone, it seems.” Yeah. No shit.
43. Don’t worry everybody, the Skull’s not magnetic right now.
44. It’s confusing to everyone in the movie that John Hurt is making a writing gesture with his hand. Because who can figure that out? Other than anyone over the age of three. But the Russians don’t get it until Indy says, “Get me a piece of paper and a pencil!” Then, duh, it’s so obvious! Of course! Or as Cate Blanchett says, “Auto-writing, I should have seen this.” Yes, you should have.
45. It’s helpful that Cate Blanchett has a hammer & sickle and CCCP on the back of her jumpsuit (like a team uniform), otherwise I might have forgotten that she’s a bad guy.
46. The Shy Beef is Indy and Marion’s son??? Wow, that was totally un-shocking!
47. There it is. The snake joke. Indy has to grab a snake to save himself from quicksand. Hilarious!
48. Ohhhhhhhhhhh! The British guy is a double-agent. So he’s actually on Indy’s side. That’s really zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Also, whaaa?
49. Don’t worry everybody, it turns out neither the FBI nor the KGB really have anything at all to do with this movie. We're past the halfway point and they have yet to return to the narrative.
50. In case you were curious, the Crystal Skull is still not really magnetic at all. That magnetic power that could draw a bunch of buckshot from 50 yards away doesn’t have any effect on metal swords or metal cars.
51. I guess vines in the Amazon automatically carry you upwards if you hang on to them?
52. Another important lesson learned: Monkeys are your friend…provided you are The Shy Beef.
53. So you can catch up to speeding automobiles by swinging through the jungle on vines now?
54. Hey! Monkeys hate Communists!
55. Yes. It is true. Vines in the Amazon automatically carry you upwards if you grab them. That seems to make perfect sense
56. Deadly CGI ants hate Communists too!
57. But they fear the Crystal Skull! Because of the Crystal Skull’s captivating power to look like it was made from plastic for a movie with a $2000 budget.
58. It is good to know that five out of five people can survive falling over a three-hundred foot waterfall. Not just once, but three times in a row.
59. After all of the hype about reuniting Indy with Marion (Karen Allen), it’s refreshing to see that after all of these years, they two actors actually have no chemistry whatsoever.
60. Hmmm, somebody is dropping little red flashing markers the size of nine-volt batteries. I wonder if it could be the British guy, who probably isn’t a double-agent, but a double-double agent. Wow! What a cool twist! Except that it doesn’t make any sense.
61. Oh no! They dropped the Skull in the water and can’t find it. Maybe now someone will remember its magnetic properties and that will help them find it?
62. Nope. It still doesn’t appear to be magnetic. The Shy Beef found it with little fanfare. Thanks, filmmakers, for losing the Skull for a few seconds and then finding it again. That really added to the film.
63. Sure, you would never notice these flashing red markers if someone in your party was dropping them. Why, they’re hardly noticeable! Except that they are noticeable, that’s why the Commies have no trouble finding them!
64. The prop department has conveniently left torches around the ruins for Indy to find. That was nice of them. They’re waiting for him, like umbrellas in an umbrella stand.
65. Whoops! Guess what, everybody! Yep, the Skull’s magnetic again! Magnetic even to gold. But only for a hot second.
66. Hmm, the British guy is getting greedy now that they’ve found a lot of gold. I’m sure that will end well.
67. Surprise! The British guy is turning on Indy! Jeez, is that guy ever capricious with his moods! It's a good thing his character is absolutely essential to this film, otherwise these mood swings might be more annoying.
68. Uh-oh, the Crystal Skull’s not magnetic anymore.
69. Whoops! John Hurt’s not crazy anymore! And for no good reason! Thank goodness he was a raving lunatic for over an hour of screen time.
70. Don’t worry, the Crystal Skull guys are not spacemen, they’re “inter-dimensional beings.” Whatever the fuck that is.
71. Why is Indy trying to save the British guy? He just pulled a gun on him. This doesn’t make any sense.
72. Whoops! Cate Blanchett’s eyes caught on fire because of too much knowledge! Let that be a lesson to you kids: Don’t learn too much!
73. Wow, that special effect shot of the buried spaceship taking off must have cost a fortune. I only wish that I thought it was a great idea to find out that Chariots of the Gods was right, instead of thinking that’s a terrible ending to an already terrible film.
74. Wait! Buried spaceship? Like in Spielberg’s version of War of the Worlds? Which was also written by the same screenwriter, David Koepp? Now you guys are really getting lazy. And I guess you think if a terrible idea doesn’t work once, it will probably work better a second time.
75. Ah, the spacemen (who aren’t spacemen) just flew off, “Not into space. Into the space between spaces,” as a now clearly sane John Hurt tells us. Wow. Deep. Or boring. You decide!
76. I don’t understand. It seemed very important for The Shy Beef to fly his motorcycle to Peru, but then he never used it. In fact, we never really saw it again. Um….what?
77. Yay! It’s ending with a wedding ceremony! Just like a terrible romantic comedy.
78. Guess it turns out that the FBI and KGB really didn’t have anything at all to do with the movie after all. Thank goodness we spent so much time on them early on.
79. Uh-oh, Spielberg is hinting that The Shy Beef will be following in Indy's footsteps. That's a terribly sad thought.
80. So let me get this straight, by the end of the movie, I’ve seen two iconic shots of Indy that had I read a description of them, I would have thought, “That seems incongruous and ill-advised.” Those being, Indy silhouetted in front of an atomic blast and Indy silhouetted in front of a spaceship taking off. Nice work out-horribling the second Indiana Jones movie everyone. Good job.
81. When it’s all said and done, I only want to kill myself a little bit.

Magazines Are Awesome!

STOP ARGUING EVERYBODY! Newsweek magazine is finally settling the argument that's been dividing the nation for the last several years. Is it the war and whether or not we should be in Iraq in the first place? No.

Is it about the increasing chasm between rich and poor in this country? No.

Is it gay marriage? Well, even though the cover looks like it could be about gay marriage, the answer is still no.

It is even more important than any of those. Newsweek finally stepped up to address the Lincoln-Darwin question. The question of who matters more.

Hmm. Um. What?

Thank god they waited until a special double issue to put this one on the cover. And good thing Newsweek isn't inadvertently proving that the print media is becoming increasingly irrelevant and that weekly magazines can still appeal to young people.

Yeah, kids, try to find an article about Lincoln and Darwin on those Internets. Just try it.

Where The Sun Refuses To Shine

HOW DO YOU SHOW YOUR CIVIC PRIDE? Do you wear a hat emblazoned with your town's best professional sports team? Do you run for public office so you can affect the future of your town? Or do you do what the people of Zheleznovodsk do?

That is, do you pay a bunch of money to put a big enema statue where everyone can see it? Yes, I said enema. The town is known for enemas. They love enemas there. As the director of the Mashuk-Akva Term spa told the AP, "An enema is almost the symbol of our region." I like how he says "almost." I like to think there's some sadness in his "almost," as if the director is a little bummed that the enema doesn't win Regional Symbol status hands-down. That he's still chapped that the Lesser Spotted Woodpecker gets more press than the enema he so loves. "Well, not after today, you stupid bird! Not after we drop our giant, bronze enema bomb!"

Certainly not.

So, with a great amount of civic pride, the people of Zheleznovodsk unveiled their new statue, placing it in front of the Mashuk-Akva Term spa, right under a big banner that read (and I wish I was kidding here), "Let's beat constipation and sloppiness with enemas!" It may not be as inspiring as "Mission Accomplished!" but it'll do in a pinch. Er...I mean...it'll do just fine.

What looks like a big bronze cherry carried on the back of children is actually a big bronze enema syringe. The bronze bulb weighs 800 pounds and is carried not by bronze children, but by three bronze angels. Because enemas are the work of angels...tiny, child-like, helpful angels.

"There is no kitsch or obscenity, it is a successful work of art," the spa's director said.

By the way, Zheleznovodsk translates into English as "iron waters." The city is also the home of an international hot air balloon festival. For some reason, the combination of iron waters, hot air balloons and giant bronze enemas makes me slightly uneasy. I guess I don't want the people of Zheleznovodsk to use a hot air balloon filled with iron waters to help me with my digestion. Thank you, though.

A final note:

Finding this story on the net led me to Google the phrase "enema bulb," since I found I was uncertain about the accuracy of the term. Top on Google's search list was a link for EnemaSupply.com (meeting your enema supply needs privately and discreetly since 1998), specifically to the page of "enema syringes, which included the Rimba 6 oz. Enema Syringe, the Shiny River Douche and, most disturbingly, something listed as A Very, Very Large Enema Bulb. About the latter, I quote the site, "This is the largest enema bulb we have ever seen...[It] holds 26 ounces (750ml)...[It] can be difficult to fill and to clean but if you are looking for the largest bulb syringe on the market, this is the enema bulb that you want."

So if you want to really know what the difference between Americans and Russians is, it is this: We like our enema supplies to be supplied "privately and discreetly" (at least since 1998), while the Russians build monuments to theirs. That's it. That's the big difference.

Oh, that and their rock and roll is terrible.

The Family That Plays Together...

...UM, HEY, SERIOUSLY...LIKE, WHAT THE...? I'm embarrassed by some things that my parents did, as I'm sure we all are, but I think these kids have us all trumped.

Wait, This Is Illegal Now?

Lars & the Real Lap

ADMITTEDLY, THIS IS OLD NEWS, but I just came across it today during the most innocent of Google image searches, one containing only the word "pillow." On the first page of returned images, second row down, I saw this image of an older Asian man sleeping on the lower torso of a lady in a skirt.

Why, it's the perfect gift for the serial killer who has everything! It's part of a lady! The best part, her lap!

As you can see, there are two options, black miniskirt and red miniskirt, and at about $100, it's a bargain. And it's not just for perverts. And by that I mean, it's not for perverts at all. Right, Makoto Igarashi?

"We created this item to help tired people relax," said Igarashi, the creepy lap pillow maker's managing director.

Sure. "Tired" people. Wink, wink. Like that "tired" guy in the trench coat on the subway? The guy with his hands in his pockets who just moans and stares, because he's so tired? That guy?

Also, wait a second: "to help tired people relax?" Not sleep -- relax. I guess most people have regular pillows to sleep on. What they really need, especially if they're really tired, is a different kind of pillow solely made for relaxation.

Also, wait another second: people? Are you sure you don't just mean men? I'm not entirely convinced that women of all ages also find it relaxing to put their heads in the free-floating laps of young ladies.

But the company is convinced of the product's wholesomeness, even as they explain the attention paid to details such as the softness of the thighs, panty lines on the pillow's "backside" and wrinkles in the lap of the skirt so as to make the pillow look and feel as real as possible. Because, if you're a "tired person," panty lines on the backside of your pillow might make it impossible for you to relax.

I just like to imagine the reaction of a single woman who goes to her new boyfriend's apartment for the first time and finds one of these pillows in front of the TV. I like to think that the woman is at first startled, thinking that she's seeing half of an actual person, and so she screams bloody murder.

"Whoa, whoa, calm down," the boyfriend says, chuckling knowingly. "I know what you're thinking, but I haven't chopped a woman in half and kept her legs and hips in my living room. It's actually a pillow...for tired people to...you know...relax."

They both share a laugh...and then the girlfriend runs out of the apartment screaming.

I also like to think of a family at Christmas, and someone has gotten dad this pillow. He opens it and the room falls silent, as everyone looks at each other. Finally, someone breaks the silence, "What the fuck is that?"

Then the mother begins to cry.

See? It's the perfect gift!

Mysterious...

THE IMAGES FROM THURSDAY'S POST disappeared from my blog. Either Blogger does not like Pricasso, and thus fine art, or the agents of Pricasso constantly trawl the web to make sure no one has misappropriated JPEGs of his genius.

Whatever the case, I have reposted photos on the post. We'll see if they stick.

Keep It In Your Pants

ALL ARTISTS HAVE EGOS to some extent. It's what helps convince them that anyone would care what they had to say or do or write or paint. But what kind of ego must you have to be this guy?



That's Pricasso. He paints with his dick. Seriously. He paints nudes (no surprise there) and portraits (of world leaders, no less), using his dick as a paintbrush. To fill in the background, sometimes he uses other body parts.



Now, admittedly his name is mostly just a pun. He could have gone with Vincent Van Cock, Claude Bone-et, Balls Gauguin or Dick-elangelo. But I love that he chose a name that brings to mind Picasso, one of the greatest artists ever. And after visiting Pricasso's web site, I get the feeling it was no accident, like people should sit up and take notice of his painting talent. He's definitely the best artist who paints with his dick. I'll give him that.

Oh yeah, he's also a kickass poet. His use of "ware", "Virgina" and "cloths" really makes you think.

Death by Chipmunk

I JUST READ that Alvin & the Chipmunks did what is known as "boffo box office" in its opening weekend -- to the tune of $45 million. Forty-fucking-five million! In real American dollars!

Earlier in this blog, I had mentioned how just watching the trailer for the movie made me feel (spoiler alert: suicidal!). Now that I've seen how America is embracing this movie, I probably should just pull the car into the garage and start 'er up.

If only I had a garage.

Somehow I don't feel like sitting in my idling car on the street in front of my apartment will have the same effect. But maybe going to see The Bucket List will be the same as breathing car exhaust.

If that doesn't do it, there's always P.S. I Love You.