Give Yourself a Hand

IT'S REFRESHING TO HEAR SOME GOOD NEWS from the world of science. Usually scientists tell us that, for instance, things we hate to eat are really good for us. Or they tell us once again that what we need to do is exercise more.

Again, it's a tired message. It's common sense. And it is also news we are not happy to hear.

Yesterday, however, scientists finally told me something I was pleased to hear.



And while the story says that what masturbation, check that, frequent masturbation does is help prevent prostate cancer. I prefer to think that the activity I will be doing now at least five to seven times a week is curing cancer.

"Don't open the door, honey, I'm curing cancer!"
"Sorry I was late to work, I was curing cancer."
"Wow, that Jessica Alba really makes me want to cure cancer!"

It's a magical, fantastical future! Jacking off is good for you! It's like finding out that playing Xbox prevents tooth decay. Or that donuts help you lose weight.

I predict a variety of T-shirts will soon be available on the Internet Tubes, with the slogan, "Stroking for a Cure." Or something like that. It seems inevitable.

Now if you'll pardon me...I must fight cancer...single-handedly.

The jokes write themselves!