For All the Dads

EVERY YEAR, WHEN FATHER'S DAY ROLLS AROUND, I'm reminded of that classic anti-drug commercial from the late '80s or early '90s. You remember the one: Where the dad confronts the son about the stash of pot he found. (In a cigar box, as I recall. How obvious! No wonder he got busted!) And the dad says, "Where did you learn how to do this?" And the kid breaks and says, angrily, "I learned it from YOU, Dad! I learned it from you!"

Oh, the hilarity!

Anyway, instead of spending my time figuring out what to get my dad (a mind-bending process I must go through twice in two months, since his birthday is at the beginning of August), I've cobbled together this roundup of ideas for celebrating Father's Day, this Sunday (June 16). Be warned, however, that while these suggestions may not pack the poignant punch of the climactic scene of Field of Dreams, where Kevin Costner finally gets in a game of catch with dear old Dad, they're at least as warm and cuddly as the better moments Harrison Ford and Sean Connery spend together in Indiana Jones & the Last Crusade.

If you can't be with your dad, make sure to celebrate him (or any dad, really) in some way this weekend. Put on the tuneful stylings of Gay Dad (doubly perfect as June is also Gay Pride Month), the harder edge of Papa Roach or the folky fiddlin' of Papa John Creach.

If you're not all that fond of your Dad, you might take a moment to learn about the Haitian despot "Papa" Doc Duvalier. Compare. Contrast. Discuss.

If foreign policy isn't your bag, you could get all misty-eyed remembering the drag-racing career of Big Daddy Don Garlits (and visit his website while you're at it) or get teary-eyed at the droll Catholic comedy of Father Guido Sarducci. If you're feelin' all literary 'n shit, pick up a copy of Arthur Kopit's play Oh Dad, Poor Dad, Mama's Hung You in the Closet and I'm Feeling so Sad, or anything by Ernest Hemingway.

Even though you can no longer enjoy the sitcoms Make Room for Daddy, Father Knows Best or even Daddio, don't forget there are plenty of patriarchally themed flicks to rent, from Adam Sandler's Big Daddy to Bill Cosby's Ghost Dad. There are also good films, such as the classic Cary Grant-Leslie Caron comedy Father Goose or Father of the Bride (either the Spencer Tracy version or the Steve Martin update).

Whatever you do, give a shoutout to Pops. He deserves it at least once a year.

And never let him forget where you learned it.