Spam Forty-Nine: The Case of the Stolen Spam

I’M NOT NAMING NAMES, but you know who you are. Somebody out there stole anywhere between 400 and 600 emails. I know that I was tardy in finishing this week’s Spam Chart, but that was no reason to steal my emails. On Tuesday night, I had over 1200 of them, and then this morning, less than 900. The upshot is I now have 800 fewer emails than last week. Sure, any ordinary person would be pleased with a one-week drop of spam like that. But I’m studying spam for science, people! This is not a joke!

Okay, okay, I’m sorry I yelled. Look, I don’t care who did it. I don’t need a confession. I just want my spam back. And since I’m having some “security issues” with my emails, I’d prefer it if you hand-delivered them. Just leave them on my doorstep and I’ll take care of the rest.

Thank you.

I’m not even sure that’s a crime anymore. There’ve been a lot of changes in the Chart.

SPAM WATCH WEEK FORTY-NINE
867 emails
BMS = 29% (up 6%)

((1/2)) -- 256 Boner Medication (75 Viagra/Cialis, 64 Penis Patch, 11 Erectifix, 7 VPXL, 3 MaxGain, 1 Megadik)
((2/1)) -- 253 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((3/3)) -- 45 Get Out Of Debt/Loan Approval
((4/6)) -- 44 Would You Chat With Me? (I Am Lonely & Probably Naked)
((5/11)) -- 35 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((5/4)) -- 35 Online Casino
((7/5)) -- 31 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Phentermine)
((8/8)) -- 23 Pheromones
((9/7)) -- 22 Human Growth Hormone
((10/15)) -- 21 Validate Your Identity (4 Bank of America, 4 Wachovia, 4 Associated Bank)
((11/11)) -- 20 OEM Software
((12/9)) -- 17 Stop Smoking
((13/10)) -- 16 Foreign Gibberish
((14/15)) -- 12 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((15/13)) -- 8 Improve Your Health
((16/18)) -- 7 Earn Your Degree
((16/14)) -- 7 Job Offer/Employee Search
((18/--)) -- 6 Please Watch This Non-Celebrity Sex Video
((19/16)) -- 4 View Your Suspicious Ecard Online
((20/18)) -- 2 You Won the Cyber Lotto
((21/18)) -- 1 Pain Relief
((21/--)) -- 1 We Have Your Package (Open the Zip File!)
((21/--)) -- 1 Embroideries!

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Wonder Pants

THERE WAS A TIME THAT THIS SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA. I'm sure there was. There must have been, right? That all you needed to do was put on some specialized piece of clothing and -- VOILA! -- the weight would disappear!

That had to be the thinking behind the Wonder Sauna Hot Pants. Why go to a sauna when you can wear one? And be stylish at the same time! Can you think of any better way to reduce your waist, tummy, hips and thighs? If you are one of the "health-watchers of America", whom these pants seem directed at, then there is no better way to "look better -- feel better -- wake up your body!"

Not convinced yet? What if I told you that the Wonder Sauna Hot Pants would help you "slenderize where you want"? (Provided what you wanted to slenderize was your waist, tummy, hips and thighs. Simultaneously.) What if I told you there were easy to inflate? And that they were one size fits all?

Still not convinced? Well, just look at the models. Look how comfortable and sexy they look. Have you ever seen a woman more comfortable in a chair than the model wearing the Wonder Sauna Hot Pants?

I know I haven't.

Do Not Panic, People...

BUT MARTHA STEWART MIGHT WANT TO EAT YOUR CHILDREN.



Babies DO make adorable holiday dishes though. You have to admit.

Another Weird Dream

I HAD A DREAM EARLY THIS MORNING that I was standing in line at a hospital. The hospital in my dream didn't look that much like a real hospital or even a TV hospital. It looked more like an information desk in the middle of a dimly lit mall. I was there with a friend, holding a green chit of paper in my hand and feeling very proud, because I was going to donate my heart to the hospital. I remember being really proud, full of myself really, that other people might be donating kidneys or eyes or whatever, but I was going to donate my heart.

The woman behind the counter wasn't really that impressed. Just another day at the office for her. She just looked at the green chit in my hand, shrugged and stamped it with a big rubber stamp. I looked at what she had stamped on this document that declared to everyone I was donating my heart.

It said, "oven-baked."

Then she gave me a whistle. Like a coach's whistle. It was like the lollipop a pediatrician might give to a kid after a visit.

"Here's your whistle," she said. "You can blow it all you want."

As if that's what I earned for my bravery to donate my heart: a free whistle and the license to blow it all I wanted.

I remember being a little disappointed by that.

Spam Forty-Eight: Hours

IT’S A TUMULTUOUS TIME ON THE CHART! After a 20% increase in overall spam, three categories dropped off the Top Ten and three new categories took their place. Almost every spot on the chart was up for grabs this week. Canadian/Online Pharmacy rocketed into the top spot, out-performing Boner Meds by more than 200 emails. While the Chart’s BMS was 23% this week, the C/OPS (Canadian/Online Pharmacy Saturation) was nearly 37%. Luxury Replica Watches/Purses lost more than 120 emails to drop out of the Top Ten (from #3 to #11) for the first time maybe ever. And Please Watch This Non-Celebrity Sex Video dropped entirely off the Chart.

Yeah. I know. It’s been a wild ride.

But at least the Lord is on our side. At least, that’s my assumption after receiving two identical emails from Mrs. Roesel Kunie.

“I am the above named person from France,” Mrs. Kunie began, explaining that her husband, who had worked with the “France Embassy in America for seven years before he died in the year 2006...after a brief illness that lasted for only two weeks.”

Luckily, Mrs. Kunie and her husband were not only born-again Christians, but they were also totally loaded, to the tune of “24Million Dollars (twenty four Million United State Dollars” which Mr. Kunie had deposited “on the safe deposit box with the bank. Europe.”

Now the sad news: “Recently, my Doctor told me that I would not last for the next four months due to cancer Problem.” Wait…there’s more. “Though what disturbs me most is my stroke sickness.”

Naturally, Mrs. Kunie wants to give me her money. Well, 30% of it -- my calculator tells me that’s $7.2 million United State Dollars! -- provided I do not use that money “in an ungodly manner.”

She continues: “I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord. The lord he will fight my case and I shall hold my peace. I don’t need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health and because of the presence of my husband’s relatives around me always. I don’t want them to know about this development.”

That sounds like a totally Christian thing to do!

Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good Chart at your side, kid.

SPAM WATCH WEEK FORTY-EIGHT
1,679 emails
BMS = 23% (down 8%)

((1/2)) -- 617 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((2/1)) -- 392 Boner Medication (125 Penis Patch, 109 Viagra/Cialis, 31 Erectifix, 25 VPXL, 4 MaxGain, 3 WonderCum, 3 LNH Maxdik, 2 PowerEnlarge)
((3/4)) -- 147 Get Out Of Debt/Loan Approval
((4/10)) -- 93 Online Casino
((5/7)) -- 76 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Phentermine)
((6/6)) -- 51 Would You Chat With Me? (I Am Lonely & Probably Naked)
((7/8)) -- 38 Human Growth Hormone
((8/11)) -- 35 Pheromones
((9/15)) -- 34 Stop Smoking
((10/13)) -- 30 Foreign Gibberish
((11/3)) -- 29 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((11/14)) -- 29 OEM Software
((13/11)) -- 25 Improve Your Health
((14/20)) -- 21 Job Offer/Employee Search
((15/9)) -- 19 Validate Your Identity (6 Bank of America, 6 eBay)
((15/5)) -- 19 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((16/17)) -- 7 View Your Suspicious Ecard Online
((17/17)) -- 5 Some Celebrity Sex Related Link or Zip File (4 Angelina, 1 Britney)
((18/17)) -- 3 Pain Relief
((18/23)) -- 3 Earn Your Degree
((18/25)) -- 3 Bank Scam (2 “Trust In The Lord” Bank Scam)
((18/--)) -- 3 You Won the Cyber Lotto

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Am I Psychic?

ON TUESDAY, I POSTED A CRAZY GRANDPA I found on a banner ad. He looked like this.



And then on Wednesday, America saw another crazy grandpa who looked like this.



From that empirical study of crazy old grandpas, I have deduced that all crazy grandpas make this face. Also, that it's creepy.

Spam Forty-Seven: Boner Clarity

WHEN SENDING EMAILS, EVEN SPAM EMAILS, it pays (if spam actually pays, that is) to use clear language. For instance, when you say, “Make your loved ones burst with joy giving them perfectly crafted designer items!” What you are communicating is that people close to you will actually explode because of presents you give them. Unless you are a psychopath, I’m guessing that’s not what you really want. Just like Boner Meds that promise to endow the user with the ability to “explode her mind with pleasure.”

And what, do you suppose, the following sentence means: “Complete detoxication of your organism.” Does it help to know that it was part of a Boner Meds email? It doesn’t?

This is what I’m talking about.

Similarly, while I’m certain that your “pr0n” is the highest quality, as you promise, I will not be following the link you provided to watch your “all natural drunk babies video.” Do you mean the babies are drunk in an “all natural” way? Do you mean the babies themselves are “all natural”? And if that’s what you mean, what do you mean by that?

No matter what your answers to those questions, I don’t want to see sexy videos of babies, drunk or not.

A Jedi’s strength flows from the Chart.

SPAM WATCH WEEK FORTY-SEVEN
1,397 emails
BMS = 31% (up 2%)

((1/1)) -- 439 Boner Medication (150 VPXL, 79 Viagra/Cialis, 23 MaxGain, 18 Penis Patch, 10 WonderCum, 10 LNH Maxdik, 5 PowerEnlarge, 3 Erectifix)
((2/2)) -- 364 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((3/3)) -- 147 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((4/4)) -- 101 Get Out Of Debt/Loan Approval
((5/5)) -- 50 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((6/6)) -- 47 Would You Chat With Me? (I Am Lonely & Probably Naked)
((7/7)) -- 38 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Phentermine)
((8/10)) -- 27 Human Growth Hormone
((9/8)) -- 26 Validate Your Identity (9 Wachovia, 4 eBay, 3 Wachovia, 3 Chemical Bank)
((10/10)) -- 23 Online Casino
((11/10)) -- 20 Pheromones
((11/16)) -- 20 Improve Your Health
((13/9)) -- 19 Foreign Gibberish
((14/15)) -- 18 OEM Software
((15/10)) -- 14 Stop Smoking
((16/20)) -- 11 Please Watch This Non-Celebrity Sex Video
((17/20)) -- 5 View Your Suspicious Ecard Online
((17/22)) -- 5 Some Celebrity Sex Related Link or Zip File (Jenna Von Oy, Britney, Miley, Kristin Kreuk, Michelle Pfeiffer)
((17/--)) -- 5 Pain Relief
((20/17)) -- 4 The Bill Is Attached (As a Zip File)
((20/18)) -- 4 Job Offer/Employee Search
((20/--)) -- 4 Security Update for OS Microsoft Windows
((23/19)) -- 3 Earn Your Degree
((24/22)) -- 2 Buy Designer Footwear
((25/--)) -- 1 Welsh Bank Scam

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Crazy Grandpa Is Taunting Me Again!

I'M NO EXPERT ON ADVERTISING, even though I occasionally work in that business, but I have to wager that this might be the best marriage of marketing message and image.

First of all, what is being talked about here is life insurance policies. Boring, right? So obviously someone thought, "How can we spice them up? How can we get people, specifically people on the internet, to sit up and take notice?" The answer, obviously, was to put a human face to the product. And what kind of person do people trust the most? Apparently, their research showed that people on the internet trust crazy old men. Like really old. But to make him more "lovable" and "aspirational", someone decided he should make a face. Not a happy smiling face, like an adorable grandpa might make. And not a warm inviting smile either. A crazy face. A face that says, "I'm not sure why you'd trust my opinion, but here it is anyway!"

Of course, nothing says quality life insurance like a mentally deranged grandfather making a face.

Would You Buy a House From This Man?

WELL, WOULD YOU?



You know, if Moist is really your last name, maybe you shouldn't name your business after yourself. It's just too...well...upsetting. Also, don't name your business after you if your last name is Dinosaur.



By the way, those two businesses are next door to one another in Calimesa, California.

Do You Want to Play Air...Um...Air?

IF YOU THINK PLAYING GUITAR HERO IS SAD, because it's not a real instrument and because it's just a dumb toy that anyone, regardless of musical talent, can play...I would like to introduce you to Beamz, the saddest device yet created.

Before you watch the MOST EMBARRASSING VIDEO ON THE PLANET, you should be warned: Watching this video may cause intense sadness and a palpable decrease in your will to live. You cannot watch this video and be unmoved. And unfortunately, the only way this video can move you is toward depression and despair. Now...begin:



Isn't that awesome! You can "jam" with your friends! Or should it be "friendz"? Going to the Beamz website only increases the sadness. The cost of "jamming" alone to generically created song loops is $400, which means that the two douchebagz who were totally rocking out together, shelled out nearly a grand to do so.

But your $400 gets you the Beamz system, the software and a music library of "30 original works in a variety of musical genres including rock, jazz, blues, reggae, country, hip hop, Latin and classical." So you can rock out to such awesome songz as "Noizscape," "Got Beatz," Good Ol' Boy," " Jack-n-the-Beamz" (there are a lot of things spelled with Z's here).

If you want to expand your library of songs, the Beamz website offers 28 other songs at the awesome cost of $1.99 apiece. And let's face it, who wouldn't want to pay two bucks each for generic jamz like "Get'n Chilly," "Boogaloop," "Chronic Tronic," "Funk Doctor," "Phresh" and "Rock Da Haus"? For $2.99, you can add "hit songz" (this time, the Z is all theirs, I did not add it for comic effect). Beamz offers a wide variety (18 songs) including Kanye West's "Good Life", Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl" and "Funkytown" by Lipps, Inc. Sure, five of those 18 songs are "in the style of" jamz, not the actual songz at all. But maybe you're this guy...



Yeah, if you're that guy, is the integrity of the music really gonna matter? Probably not.

You Gotta Have Friends!

IF YOU MISSED LAST NIGHT'S DEBATE, I can recap it for you. It was a simple town hall affair that showed that Sen. Barack Obama was about "fundamental change." And Sen. John McCain was all about friends. How many friends? Oh, about 20 actually.

"My friend, I'd like you to see the letter that a group of senators and I wrote..."
"My friends, do we need to spend that kind of money?"
"My friends, we are not going to be able to provide the same benefit..."
"My friends, some of this $700 billion ends up in the hands of terrorist organizations."
"My friends, the last president to raise taxes during tough economic times was Herbert Hoover."
"So let's not raise anybody's taxes, my friends..."
"We know what the problems are, my friends..."
"My friends, what we have to do with Medicare is have a commission..."
"Let's look at our records, my friends..."
"That's the good news, my friends."
**"By the way, my friends, I know you grow a little weary with this back-and-forth."
**"I vote against them, my friends."
**"We've got to drill offshore, my friends, and we've got to do it now."
"My friends, we have gone to all four corners of the Earth..."
"We don't have time for on-the-job training, my friends."
"Well, let me just follow up, my friends."
"There was a lot at stake there, my friends."
"I'll get Osama bin Laden, my friends."
"I thank you, my friend. Thanks for serving."
"At the end of the day, my friend, I have to tell you again..."

I respect McCain for finding a comfortable refrain and returning to it 20 times in 90 minutes, including 3 times (marked with asterisks) in less than 90 seconds.

I also commend him for being the first candidate in probably 40 years to get off a snap on his political opponent by comparing him to Herbert Hoover. That one played well with both students of history and voters over the age of 70. Nice work, my friend. Now take some time off, my friend, because, my friend, you've earned it.

And now, here's another way of looking at the debate, thanks to TagCrowd and a transcript copied from Debates.org:

able america american around believe best billion brokaw bush care change country crisis deal done economic economy energy friends fundamental getting give going government health help home important insurance iran iraq issues jobs keep lot making mccain means money national nuclear obama oil pakistan people ph point president problem question record responsibility russia security senator situation something spending states support sure talk tax thank things think tom tonight understand united voted washington work world years

created at TagCrowd.com

Spam Forty-Six: Back on Schedule

IT’S ALWAYS SCARY WHEN YOU SKIP A CHART. But don’t worry, everybody, the Chart is not pregnant. Things are back to normal. It was just a stressful time that made the Chart irregular. Speaking of which, I did receive a spam with the following subject line: Menstrual pain won’t come to you, even in nightmares. Inside, all it said was, American dream has come true.

So true.

Single women in Russia were also trying to make their dreams come true by dating (and possibly marrying, or at least having naked chats with) American men (specifically me). Of the 66 spams that catapulted Would You Chat With Me? (I Am Lonely & Probably Naked) from #18 to #6, easily more than two-thirds were of the single, lonely Russian lady variety.

Sad.

Sad that there were so many more of those and only three attempts at enticing me with promises of Celebrity Sex Related Links, especially since the “celebrities” offered were Tiffani Amber Thiessen, Jaime Pressly and Farah Summerford.

Look, Your Worshipfulness, let's get one thing straight. I take orders from just one person: Chart.

SPAM WATCH WEEK FORTY-SIX
1,360 emails
BMS = 29% (unchanged)

((1/1)) -- 390 Boner Medication (149 VPXL, 50 Viagra/Cialis, 12 MaxGain, 11 Penis Patch, 10 WonderCum, 7 LNH Maxdik, 4 Erectifix, 3 PowerEnlarge, 2 Megadik)
((2/2)) -- 293 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((3/3)) -- 213 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((4/4)) -- 130 Get Out Of Debt/Loan Approval
((5/5)) -- 92 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((6/18)) -- 66 Would You Chat With Me? (I Am Lonely & Probably Naked)
((7/6)) -- 22 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Phentermine)
((8/7)) -- 18 Validate Your Identity (5 BoA, 3 Sterling Savings)
((9/7)) -- 17 Foreign Gibberish
((10/7)) -- 15 Online Casino
((10/10)) -- 15 Human Growth Hormone
((10/11)) -- 15 Pheromones
((10/15)) -- 15 Stop Smoking
((15/13)) -- 13 OEM Software
((16/17)) -- 9 Improve Your Health
((17/16)) -- 7 The Bill Is Attached (As a Zip File)
((18/22)) -- 6 Job Offer/Employee Search
((19/18)) -- 5 Earn Your Degree
((20/20)) -- 4 View Your Suspicious Ecard Online
((20/22)) -- 4 Please Watch This Non-Celebrity Sex Video
((22/--)) -- 3 Some Celebrity Sex Related Link or Zip File
((22/11)) -- 3 Buy Designer Footwear
((24/--)) -- 2 Pain Relief
((25/--)) -- 1 Search Engine Optimization
((25/21)) -- 1 Your Internet Access Is Going to Get Suspended (Plus Zip File!)
((25/22)) -- 1 Your Email Address Won 500,000 Euros (downgraded from a million)

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Cow Trouble

THE CAPTION BESIDE THE PHOTO describes the antics of 32-year-old Michelle Allen of Middletown, Ohio. She was arrested after impeding traffic, urinating on a porch and scaring children...

All while dressed as a cow.



I should add that these charges are all alleged. You know, she hasn't been convicted or anything. She is definitely dressed like a cow, though. That much is for sure.

Spam Forty-Five: Almost Caught Up Now

IF I HAD ANY DOUBTS ABOUT THE VERACITY of the National Survey Panel Survey emails I got, I could have clicked on the link provided. Sure, I could have totally done that and taken place in the survey asking me, “ Does Sarah Palin have VP skills?” And if I did that, maybe I would have won that free $500 Visa Gift Card.

But something about the email made me suspicious. Maybe it was the last two lines of the email, the ones that said, “ The ethos of English public schools greatly influenced Pierre de Coubertin. The public schools had a deep involvement in the development of many team sports.” Not that I think most people aren’t interested in Pierre de Coubertin, the French historian who helped found the IOC. I’m sure lots of people are.

No, I think what really made me doubt the veracity of those emails was the part that said, “Not associated with Visa or Sandra Palin.”

Also, this week, I got a lovely spam with this as the message:

“Wow, your penis is unique!” Isn’t that what you just love to hear?

No, it’s not what I love to hear. It really isn’t.

Do or do not. There is no Chart.

SPAM WATCH WEEK FORTY-FIVE
1,497 emails
BMS = 29% (up 4%)

((1/2)) -- 432 Boner Medication (118 VPXL, 45 Viagra/Cialis, 14 Penis Patch, 13 LNH Maxdik, 12 MaxGain, 11 WonderCum, 7 PowerEnlarge, 5 Megadik, 3 Erectifix)
((2/1)) -- 357 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((3/3)) -- 281 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((4/4)) -- 142 Get Out Of Debt/Loan Approval
((5/13)) -- 51 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((6/5)) -- 37 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Phentermine)
((7/8)) -- 24 Foreign Gibberish
((7/10)) -- 24 Online Casino
((7/12)) -- 24 Validate Your Identity (5 Wachovia, 4 Google AdWords, 4 Eastern Bank)
((10/6)) -- 20 Human Growth Hormone
((11/7)) -- 18 Pheromones
((11/16)) -- 18 Buy Designer Footwear
((13/11)) -- 14 OEM Software
((14/14)) -- 13 Online Dating Site
((15/8)) -- 11 Stop Smoking
((16/--)) -- 7 The Bill Is Attached (As a Zip File)
((17/15)) -- 5 Improve Your Health
((18/18)) -- 4 Would You Chat With Me? (I Am Lonely & Probably Naked)
((18/18)) -- 4 Earn Your Degree
((20/--)) -- 3 View Your Suspicious Ecard Online
((21/--)) -- 2 Your Internet Access Is Going to Get Suspended (Plus Zip File!)
((21/--)) -- 2 National Survey Panel Survey
((22/16)) -- 1 Please Watch This Non-Celebrity Sex Video
((22/--)) -- 1 Job Offer/Employee Search
((22/--)) -- 1 Your Email Address Won 1 Million Euros
((22/--)) -- 1 Bank Scam (Korean)

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Panda Attack!

I'M NOT SURE WHAT TO SAY ABOUT THIS. But I felt it needed to be shared.



Consider it a warning. Stay away from pandas.