Box Office Hubris

I'M ALREADY IN TROUBLE. My wife is already gloating. Sex & The City did $26 million on Friday. But I may still be okay if it just does $7 million today and then no one sees it on Sunday.

So, here's hoping for that.

More Box Office Fun

I ONCE AGAIN CLAIM VICTORY for my astounding mental powers. This time for my prediction about Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Monkey Butlers. Let's look at the numbers.

Indiana Jones: Monkey Butler Madness
My prediction: $159 million (total take: $339 million)
Actual opening 5-day weekend: $151.9 million
Accuracy: 95.5%

After my Prince Caspian prediction (94.8% accuracy), I'm feeling like I'm really on a hot streak going into this weekend. Which gives me even more confidence (perhaps false confidence) than I usually have when I make these stupid guesses.

Sex & the City
My wife believes this movie will be a gigantic box office success. In fact, she has called it "Star Wars for girls" and believes it will do $78 million in its opening weekend, eventually grossing a whopping $250 million ("easy," she says, "at least $250 million"). I agree with my wife that the film will be a success. Our definitions of box office success, however, especially in this case, differ greatly. Firstly, I don't think there's a chance in hell Sex does $250 million over its life in the theater. That's more than The Simpsons movie did by $70 million. And that movie was rated PG and appealed to children and adults of both sexes. Also, I have heard that this movie is boring. That's the word on the street: boring. And this from fans of the show. My belief is that TV shows rarely make good movies (if ever), and that Sex will be no different. It will have a respectible opening, but then, just like The Simpsons, drop off quickly and precipitously.

Opening weekend: $33 million
Total take: $80 million

BONUS PREDICTION: The Strangers
The trailer for this movie scared the shit out of me. It's not expected to do very well, but for no reason at all, I think it will do ok.

Opening weekend: $11 million
Total take: $35 million

When You Really Love Potato Salad

WHAT'S THE BEST PART ABOUT FRIENDS? Well, if you ask me, one of the best parts is the little surprise gifts they send you every now and again. Like this video my friend Krafft sent. I have no idea where it's from, perhaps a musical about side dishes? It's hard to say. It all seems pretty normal. But stick with it. Until the ladies stop singing and start dancing.

Or should I say "dancing."



Obviously, this song was just an excuse to get the three women to show how super bendy they are. It does leave the viewer with a lot of questions. Firstly, what are these ladies phone numbers and are they available. Hello! Wait, what's that? They're all grandmas now, and deceased to boot? What a ripoff! Also, a barn? Seriously? So, potato salad + contortionists + barn = success?

And people talk about the golden age of cinema.

I am NOT being sarcastic. I totally mean that this clip is an example of how awesome film used to be and how stupid and lame the art of cinema is right now. I mean, where are the films that have contortionists singing about food? I can't believe that we've said everything that can be said about food, especially from the perspective of a trio of contortionists.

Spam Twenty-Seven: Spam Another Day

THE WEIRD THING IS how relieved I am that my spam count is back up over 1,000. In fact, this week it jumped 229 emails to just under 1,200. Before I started keeping track of spam, I hated the amount I got. I was annoyed at the deluge. But now, when the number drops, I get a little worried. Like a close friend has left town. Don’t go away, spam! I need you!

The most notable email this week was one with the subject line of “Best.” Inside, all it said was “Your life is crap.”

Wow. It didn’t even offer a solution. It was like opening a fortune cookie and getting not a fortune but one of those lame, “You are a happy person” fortunes. I’m not sure the sender of that particular spam understands how advertising works. You’re supposed to create a problem...and then solve it. Not just create a problem.

Unless the sender of that spam reads these columns and has, therefore, deduced that, if I spend a few hours a week counting the spam and writing about it that my life must actually be crap.

I mean, that’s pretty harsh, but it may not be unwarranted.

Now, say hello to my little Chart!

SPAM WATCH WEEK TWENTY-SEVEN
1199 emails
BMS = 36% (up 5%)

((1/1)) -- 430 Boner Medication (102 Viagra/Cialis, 91 VPXL, 36 MaxGain, 6 LNH Solutions/LNH Maxdik, 5 WonderCum, 3 Megadik)
((2/2)) -- 277 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((3/3)) -- 222 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((4/9)) -- 65 Buy Designer Footwear
((5/5)) -- 45 OEM Software
((6/7)) -- 34 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((7/6)) -- 29 Earn Your Degree
((8/11)) -- 18 Online Casino
((9/10)) -- 17 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Phentermine/Hoodia)
((10/12)) -- 10 Validate Your Identity (2 PayPal, 2 eBay, 2 Colonial Bank)
((11/13)) -- 9 Improve Your Health
((11/7)) -- 9 Foreign Gibberish
((11/16)) -- 9 Human Growth Hormone
((14/18)) -- 7 Stop Smoking
((15/14)) -- 6 Pheromones
((16/19)) -- 4 Online Dating Site
((17/4)) -- 3 Fake Returned Mail
((18/--)) -- 2 New Adult Site
((18/--)) -- 2 Bank Scam (Million Euro Email Sweepstakes, Hong Kong Business Proposal)
((20/--)) -- 1 Trackstick GPS

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Bra Party!

HEY, LADIES! Let's get this bra party started!


Um... Why so glum?

Box Office Genius?

I DON'T WANT TO GET AHEAD OF MYSELF, but so far in this Summer Blockbuster Season, I have been pretty accurate with my predictions. First with Speed Racer and What Happens In Vegas (see predictions here) and then with Prince Caspian (here). Let's review last week's numbers.

Prince Caspian
My prediction: $58 million (total take: $172 million)
Actual opening weekend: $55 million
Box office so far: $59 million

This week it's all about one film.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
My wife thinks the movie will not be very good, whereas I believe it will be the second best of the series (between the original and the one with Sean Connery). We both agree, however, that the quality of the film will have little impact on the box office numbers. I don't really see any reason why the film would miss its predicted target for the opening 5-day weekend (between $150-$165 million), nor its predicted target for its total take ($360 million). Caspian is a dud at the box office, Iron Man is on the wane (ever so slowly) and nothing else of note (sorry War, Inc.) is dropping on this weekend. I do think the biggest arguable point will be on the actual quality of the film and where it resides in the quadrology...er...in the trilogy +1.

Opening 5-day weekend: $159 million
Total box office take: $339 million

Prove me wrong, America!

Spam Twenty-Six: The Round Mound of Rebound

AFTER THREE STRAIGHT WEEKS OF DECLINING NUMBERS, the spam has rebounded with 13% more emails than last week. Also back to normal are the Boner Meds, which are back on top of the chart, just like they should be. Nothing against the Replica Watches, but they don’t capture our imagination quite like the Boners do.

The big influx this week, though, is from Fake Returned Mail. Almost five times as many of those emails this week as last, and from a wide variety of far-flung places. I’m curious to see how that trend plays out.

Just a quick Chart while he’s away!

SPAM WATCH WEEK TWENTY-SIX
970 emails
BMS = 31% (up 4%)

((1/2)) -- 299 Boner Medication (80 Viagra/Cialis, 51 VPXL, 37 MaxGain, 4 LNH Solutions/LNH Maxdik, 3 WonderCum, 1 Megadik)
((2/1)) -- 236 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((3/3)) -- 190 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((4/7)) -- 49 Fake Returned Mail
((5/5)) -- 42 OEM Software
((6/13)) -- 27 Earn Your Degree
((7/9)) -- 25 Foreign Gibberish
((7/4)) -- 25 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((9/6)) -- 20 Buy Designer Footwear
((10/11)) -- 13 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Phentermine/Hoodia)
((11/8)) -- 11 Online Casino
((12/10)) -- 7 Validate Your Identity (3 Chase, 2 PayPal)
((13/15)) -- 6 Improve Your Health
((14/15)) -- 5 Pheromones
((14/--)) -- 5 Stock News
((16/15)) -- 3 We Will Approve Your Loan/Debt Relief
((16/14)) -- 3 Human Growth Hormone
((18/15)) -- 2 Stop Smoking
((19/--)) -- 1 Online Dating Site
((19/--)) -- 1 Free McDonald’s Gift Card (If You Visit This Site)

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Box Office Buffoon

IT IS WORTH NOTING THAT I WAS ON TARGET with last week's box office predictions. I was a tiny bit generous with Speed Racer and a tiny bit stingy with What Happens In Vegas, but overall, I was close, I think. I did, in fact, accurately predict that Iron Man (which is great, by the way) would be tops at the box office again. Let's review the numbers:

Speed Racer
My prediction: $26.2 million (totalling just under $90 million)
Actual opening weekend: $18.5 million
Box office so far: $21.3 million

What Happens In Vegas
My prediction: $17 million (totalling $40 million)
Actual opening weekend: $20 million
Box office so far: $25 million

I think Speed will be hard-pressed to make $55 million, much less $90 million. And Vegas will probably top out just north of $40, which doesn't sound like much, but it only carried a $35 million price tag. Speed, on the other hand... ouch, $120 million budget. Maybe they'll make it up overseas? What's that? Only $12 million overseas so far? Wow. Flop City.

With only one major release this week, the wife and I are holding off the debut of our video podcast until next week. So here again, for the record, my totally awesome and totally accurate box office predictions for the week of May 16!

The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
The first installment was HUGE: $291.7 million domestically, and $453 million overseas. But it was a Lord of the Rings-like diversion during the Christmas "serious film" releases. Caspian has to face off with Iron Man (still a force at the box office) and the guaranteed box office champ Indy 4 next week. Even though Caspian is the only big release this week, I don't think it will challenge Lion, Witch, Wardrobe's $65.5 opening weekend. It just doesn't seem like there's a buzz about the film. Even with soaking up the kid crowd, I say...

Opening weekend: $58 million
Total take: $172 million

There it is. Tune in next week for the video podcast. This time, for sure!

The Good Ol' Days

ARE YOU CONVINCED the Golden Age of television is behind us? Are you 100% sure of that? Can I offer one piece of evidence to the contrary? A little something from January 1983 perhaps?



Oh, Tron! How quickly you fell from grace!

Mystery Solved!

AFTER A WEEK OF GOOD CLEAN J.O. ENTERTAINMENT, a keen-eyed Australian has solved the mystery weighing on many people's minds since I posted this photo and commentary.



This can't be real, right? This has to be fake.

That is what a lot of people said to me after I posted it. And my response was, "It's so weird, it's probably fake. But, then again, it's just weird enough to be true." Well, it wasn't real, it turns out. It was one of several fake j.o. ads concoted by a writer for Something Awful. It is, I think, the funniest of the fake ads (although the "j.o. into my wallet" concept is pretty genius too). Equally as funny is this j.o. ad my friend John sent me.

I am absolutely certain this one's fake. What with the hot tornado action and all.



Ultimately, I'm not surprised to find out the ad is fake. I am a little sad though. I guess part of me was really entertained by the notion that there was this guy out there whose quest for personal happiness included the combination of model trains and imitation crab meat. But I have faith. I firmly believe that there's a real guy out there who's every bit as weird as this fake guy. I'm sure that somewhere there's a guy getting off to a room full of trains. He may not be in Philly. He may not be 48. He may not even like imitation crab meat. But he's out there, searching for his j.o. buddy. And I, for one, hope that he finds one.

What can I say, I'm a romantic.

Spam Twenty-Five: Black Tuesday

THIS HAS TO BE A BAD SIGN. The spam numbers keep dropping. Certainly the Fed must be looking at this too. I mean, what is Ben Bernanke saying about this in the halls of power? What does this say about the state of the economy, about the strength of the dollar? Also, and I don’t want to startle anyone or cause a panic, but something has happened on the Chart for the very first time ever.

Boner Meds have dropped out of the #1 spot... having been replaced this week by Replica Watches.

I know, it’s disturbing. It’s like the whole world has gone crazy. Black is white, on is off, up is down. Does this mean that fanny packs are in again? That leg warmers are back? That the Soviet Union and Asia (the band) have reformed? That Robin Williams is relevant again? It can’t mean that, can it?

What does it say about our society if mass emailers think we care more about what’s on our wrists than how prodigious our man-staffs are? My cucumber length is still important to me! I still want to grow a monster in my pants! I still desire hoariness on my salmon!

Obviously, we are experiencing a time of turmoil. Overall spam emails have dropped nearly 40% in just three weeks. The BMS reached a new low of 27%. Boner Meds were within 15 emails of dropping to #3 on the chart. Third place? Unthinkable! Even news that I might have won $2.5 million in the Online Cyber Lotto did not soothe my troubled soul. These are scary times, people. Who knows what the future brings?

Until then... Say hello to my little Chart!

SPAM WATCH WEEK TWENTY-FIVE
847 emails
BMS = 27% (down 4%)

((1/2)) -- 242 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((2/1)) -- 233 Boner Medication (34 Viagra/Cialis, 32 MaxGain, 31 VPXL, 8 Megadik, 3 WonderCum, 1 LNH Solutions/LNH Maxdik)
((3/3)) -- 219 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((4/14)) -- 30 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((5/4)) -- 29 OEM Software
((6/5)) -- 12 Buy Designer Footwear
((7/--)) -- 11 Fake Returned Mail
((8/6)) -- 10 Online Casino
((9/16)) -- 10 Foreign Gibberish
((10/17)) -- 8 Validate Your Identity (5 eBay, 2 Chase Online, Merrill Lynch)
((11/10)) -- 7 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Phentermine/Hoodia)
((11/17)) -- 7 Would You Like to Chat & See My Pics?
((13/8)) -- 6 Earn Your Degree
((14/14)) -- 4 Human Growth Hormone
((15/9)) -- 3 We Will Approve Your Loan/Debt Relief
((15/11)) -- 3 Stop Smoking
((15/12)) -- 3 Improve Your Health
((15/13)) -- 3 Pheromones
((15/18)) -- 3 Bank Scam ($2.5 Mil. Online Cyber Lotto, 2 Hong Kong Biz Proposal)
((20/--)) -- 2 Tax Refund From the IRS
((21/--)) -- 1 Live Webcam Girls
((21/--)) -- 1 Your Ads In This Account Are Not Running

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Stoner Ingenuity

DIDN'T EVERYONE GO TO COLLEGE with a stoner who claimed proudly that he could make anything into a bong? No matter what you threw at him, he could totally smoke pot out of it. I mean, making a bong out of an apple or a soda can is weak-ass shit for this guy, right? He'd turn a textbook or a cookie jar or a sofa or anything you would challenge him with into a giant bong. Or, failing that, he'd just smoke pot from his giant bong. Did you ever wonder what that guy was doing now?

I think I just found out.



Congratulations, dude, you are the Neal Armstrong of pot smokers. Oh wait, did I say Neal Armstrong, I meant Jeffrey Dahmer. You're the Jeffrey Dahmer of pot smokers.

My bad, I get those two guys mixed up all the time.

Take A Sniff...Pull It Out?

I HAD FORGOTTEN ABOUT THIS MAGNIFICENT MOMENT from my past, until the geniuses at Videogum reminded me. It's an ad for Juicy Fruit gum that is basically a beer ad, only subbing chewing gum for beer.



There's no reason that an afternoon of skiing would be made more enjoyable by adding Juicy Fruit to it, but that's what the people at Wrigley would have us believe. Let's take a look at these captivating lyrics/operating instructions for that complex thing known as "chewing gum."

Get your skis shined up
Grab a stick of Juicy Fruit
The taste is gonna move ya!

Okay, people! This is the drill. Do NOT do these things in reverse order. Please shine your skis up, and then -- only then -- should you attempt to grab the stick of Juicy Fruit. Do you start chewing it yet? No! Please follow the directions. And try to be patient, for fuck's sake!

Take a sniff, pull it out
The taste is gonna move ya
When you pop it in your mouth!

This is what I'm talking about. There is a process at work here, a delicate process. First, you sniff the gum, then you pull it out. Do NOT pull it out and then sniff it! We don't know what might happen should you do that. We will not be held responsible. Our insurance just doesn't cover crazy, irresponsible shit like that.

Okay? All right then. Stay focused!

Now that the gum has been pulled out, you can pop it in your mouth. Only then can the taste move ya. I know there are a lot of questions about when to unwrap the gum. We assume it happens after you "pull it out" and before the mouth-popping. (That's what the images in the commercial imply.) But the instructions do not specify. Perhaps, at this point is it just best to leave the wrapper on. We will address this question with the Wrigley people and get back to you. But until then, please leave the wrapper on. Thank you.

Juicy Fruit is gonna move ya
It chews so soft, it gets right to ya
Juicy Fruit
The taste the taste the taste is gonna move ya!

Do you understand? The taste is gonna move ya! But the added benefit is how soft the gum chews. That, my friends, is what gets right to ya. Why? Because of sense memory, asshole! It sends you back to childhood, when chewing soft things was what you did all day, every day. Once those memories have been triggered, it is the taste, the taste, the taste that actually does the moving. Without the softness of the chew getting to ya, however, you may not end up moved at all. So please take note of the softness.

Now, enjoy your gum.

Ill-Advised Box Office Predictions

OF COURSE IT MAKES NO SENSE. My terrible track record at predicting the box office success and failure of major motion picture releases only encourages me to continue to make predictions. I have done so before on this blog, back when I predicted box office failure for 10,000 B.C. And then I showed my tenaciousness (or foolishness), by sticking to that prediction, even after it had a fairly solid opening weekend. So, I was wrong. Just as my lovely wife predicted.

But I will press on, certain that I have a talent for box office prediction. That I have special insight into the movie-going public’s tastes. That I’ve got my finger on, if not the pulse, a pulse.

It is my obstinacy on this issue that drives my wife crazy.

We will be turning this dynamic into a podcast next week. But until that time, here are my predictions for this weekend’s big releases. I’m sure my wife will disagree with them. Or at least find them ridiculous.

It is a risk I am compelled to take.

Speed Racer
In the positive column: Hirsch sort of looks like Speed, Ricci sort of looks like Trixie and Fox is on Lost. The movie also features a monkey (always a plus). But the last two Matrix movies sort of blew. Hmm, I still think Iron Man’s second week beats Speed’s first.

Opening weekend: $26.2 million
Total take: barely $90 million

What Happens In Vegas
If it was the animated version of Cameron Diaz, this movie would make $300 million. But it’s not. There’s kind of a glut of comedies out right now with Harold & Kumar, Sarah Marshall, Made of Honor and Baby Mama still in theaters. This does not bode well for a movie I basically feel like no one wants to see. Also, there’s not a single laugh in any of the trailers. Not a good sign for a comedy.

Opening weekend: $17 million
Total take: $40 million

There. Now I’ve said it. Now both of these films will probably be HUGE successes.

You’re welcome, Hollywood.

Pulling A Train

A FRIEND OF A FRIEND OF A FRIEND sent this unbelievable link to a photo on Flickr, under the heading "Best Thing EVER. Discuss." It's not so much a photo, as a screen grab from Craigslist. Spoiler alert! If you follow the link, this is what you'll find.


Okay, I feel like I need to break this shit down into its component parts.

Let me begin with the first photo: that of a very complicated train set. Okay. So far so good. Picture #2...whoops! Naked middle aged guy! Wow, what the fuck?

"Want age 25-70 guy to come over and jo in my model train room."
The first time I read this I thought "jo in" was supposed to be "join", like he had accidentally typed a space in the middle of the word. I have never been so sad to be wrong in my life. All right, so this guy wants another guy from his mid-20s to early 70s to come over and jack off in his model train room. Whatever, different shit gets different people off. My question is the age range. 25-70? That is sooooo inspecific. But I guess that's necessary, considering the task at hand: Wanting someone who totally wants to jack off to model trains. Okay, moving on.

"mutual touching and stuff but nothing more than that...I'm not gay"
Of course you're not gay. What's gay about jacking off over trains. Nothing, that's what. That said...what EXACTLY does this guy mean by "stuff." Also, mutual touching seems a little gay to me. Then again, I'm not really on board with the wanking over trains idea, so obviously I'm not the target audience.

"I'm not gay"
Wait...I changed my mind. Yes you are.

"It's all HO scale."
This is important, motherfuckers. Coz everybody knows N and Z scale aren't fuckin' sexy at all! Let's be serious. Like you can get a boner from that tiny-ass shit. Maybe you can if you're gay. But like the man said, he's not gay, so stop asking him to blow you.

"then after you finish you can stomp around and kick the trains and buildings like a monster"
Here's where we kick this ad up to the next level. This is what I suppose falls under the category of "value added." Not only do you get to jack off with a weird 48-year-old guy in his model train room, but now you get to pretend you're a monster too! Stomping AND kicking? Fuck yeah! My two favorite things (after jacking off in a train room.) Awesome! Nothing better after a wank than playing Godzilla, right?

"(don't break they are my sons)"
Now, my wife and I have a disagreement about this. My wife thinks the guy is saying that the trains are like his children. Whereas I believe that the trains belong to his son. If I am right, then there's going to be a really sad kid who finds this post on Craigslist and realizes that his dad's been spanking it to his prized trains. "Seriously, dad, get your own fucking trains if you want to bring random guys over for a circle jerk. On second thought, you can just keep these. Also, never speak to me again."

"we can do this until 4 am or until we get tired"
So, listen up, prospective train wanker, the expectation is that you will wank and stomp and kick for many hours. Even though this guy is pushing 50, he can do this shit until the wee hours. He's obviously done this till 4 am before. No problem. But if you get tired before then, that's okay. Don't think he won't be disappointed in you, though. 'Cause he will be.

"also..."
Wait...there's more?

"i have lots of imitation crab meat in my freezer that i need to get rid of so you can have a bunch when you leave."
A parting gift? And it's not even REAL crab meat? And wait, why did you say "get rid of"? Was it used in a crime? And what do you mean by "bunch"? Are you just going to have your "guests" grab handfuls of fake crab? Somehow, at this point in the ad, that wouldn't surprise me at all.

"its all perfectly good"
Why do you feel the need to reassure everyone about the imitation crab meat? Why would someone even be suspicious of the quality of the imitation crab meat they get from a guy they just jacked off with in his train room? If you can't trust a guy you just jacked off with (not to mention the stomping around like a monster afterwards), who can you trust?

"we just got too much!!!"
We? Um...you're not gay, or at least you say you aren't. So the "we" must imply a wife? Oh dear, now I'm the saddest I've been all day. Maybe looking at this guy's picture will cheer me up...oh no. No it doesn't. Sadder now. Ever sadder.

UPDATE: The j.o. mystery is solved here.

Not Good At Math

SO I'M ON FACEBOOK, like every 42-year-old should be, and I've watched a recent influx of high school friends who have flooded onto the site because of an impending 25-year reunion. Like a lot of people, some of my friends from high school have fudged some of their personal info. Like this anonymous friend who decided to make him/herself younger.



Wow! Graduated high school at 3! College at 7! And she/he seemed so much more mature during school. Although, I think I have a vague memory of changing his/her diaper. Wait a second!

Spam Twenty-Four: Starring Kiefer Sutherland

WE’VE SPRUNG A SPAM LEAK! After a 16% drop in spam traffic last week, overall spam intake dropped another 18% this week. The total spam traffic hasn’t been below 1,000 since early March, and this is the lowest total since February 6! It’s shocking.

Despite that, Boner Meds made a comeback (becoming more turgid by 3%), buoyed by the return of MegaDick. Other than one instance of MegaDick in Week Nineteen, MegaDick has not made this much of an impression on the chart since Week Twelve. The timing is perfect since both LNH Maxdik and WonderCum refuse to make more than a flaccid and shriveled showing.

I feel like I'm taking a risk with all these boner jokes! But then I remember something I read in a spam recently, “Take risks, or you will loose! It is like sport.” Boy, is it ever!

I love the smell of Chart in the morning!

SPAM WATCH WEEK TWENTY-FOUR
948 emails
BMS = 31% (up 3%)

((1/1)) -- 298 Boner Medication (54 Viagra/Cialis, 44 VPXL, 13 MegaDick, 4 LNH Solutions/LNH Maxdik, 2 WonderCum)
((2/2)) -- 232 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((3/3)) -- 146 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((4/6)) -- 74 OEM Software
((5/5)) -- 50 Buy Designer Footwear
((6/4)) -- 46 Online Casino
((7/13)) -- 17 Would You Like to Chat & See My Pics?
((8/8)) -- 12 Validate Your Identity (4 eBay, Santa Cruz Community Credit Union)
((8/14)) -- 12 Foreign Gibberish
((10/7)) -- 11 We Will Approve Your Loan/Debt Relief
((11/9)) -- 9 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((11/9)) -- 9 Improve Your Health
((13/11)) -- 7 Earn Your Degree
((14/12)) -- 6 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Phentermine/Hoodia)
((15/14)) -- 4 Pheromones
((16/14)) -- 3 Stop Smoking
((16/19)) -- 3 Human Growth Hormone
((16/19)) -- 3 Bigger/Better Boobs
((16/--)) -- 3 Fake Returned Mail
((20/17)) -- 2 Job Offer/Employee Search
((21/19)) -- 1 Trackstick GPS

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Spotlight Boner

BUYING PRESENTS FOR MY DAD has always been tough. So I have always taken the easy way out and just bought him classic TV shows on DVD. He loves TV. He loves to laugh. And I like easy answers. So when I saw the half-hour infomercial hosted by Regis Philbin about the release of The Dean Martin Variety Show on DVD, naturally I thought, "That would make a good present for my dad." In full disclosure, I must add that I thought that after my wife said, "I guess I know what you're getting your dad for his birthday now." She's smart like that.

Because my dad's birthday isn't until August (and Father's Day is sometime right before that right?), I took note of the web address rather than phone the 1-800 number right away and dropped by the site for a look around. This is what greeted me.





Yes, your eyes do not deceive you. That's Dean Martin leaning back and showing the world his double spotlight boner. He seems rather pleased, self-satisfied even. It's either that Deano has two columns of light where his man-junk should be, or that he has two tiny spotlights installed next to his business to announce his boner as if every time he has a boner it's a red carpet event. As if to say, "Welcome to the premiere, ladies! The world premiere of my boner!"

That said, I'll probably still get the DVDs for my dad. Dean Martin's spotlight boner aside, my dad's sort of hard to buy presents for.

Something You Didn't Know About Middle Earth