Clearing Things Up

I'M A LITTLE CONFUSED, so I hope it's okay to ask a simple question.

Is this how sex works?

Just a Suggestion

THEY GO ESPECIALLY WELL with the bone-in ribeye and Chianti Classico you have ordered.

Career Cut Short By Giggling

I AM ALWAYS FORGETTING WHAT MINE ARE FOR.



Some music historians would later argue that it was the unfortunate title of this album that kept the name Svetlana Gruebbersolvik from becoming a household name.

{via The Daily What}

Come For the Haircut, Stay for the VCRs

WHAT'S BETTER THAN WATCHING SOMETHING ON YOUR VCR? Watching some VCRs!

SPOILER ALERT: Panasonic is best!

Grammar Are Important

THE NEW YORK POST IS ALWAYS RIGHT.


Will your cell phone save your man life?

The Best Action Sequence Ever

ATTENTION: HOLLYWOOD! You just got served!

Chair Shock!

THE REAL MYSTERY IS what is he looking at?

Conan the Thespian

FINALLY, THE CONAN MOVIE WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR.

Never Trust a Dolphin

THIS HEADLINE CONFUSED ME.


I mean, I had always thought dolphins were such peaceful animals. But after hearing the taped phone conversations on Gawker, well, let's just say I was shocked.

The Mel Gibson Paradox

SO YOU MEAN TO TELL ME that it's just a coincidence that Mel Gibson is on the cover with an article called "The Mel Gibson Nobody Knows" and in that same issue there's an article called "Civility Pays?"


No. This is not a coincidence. Obviously, someone has a time machine.

Some People Love Weather More Than Others

YOU MAY WANT TO STAY INSIDE this weekend. The weather looks particularly big and angry.


"What's my FutureCast, Chet & Susie? Well, in the future, I predict I'm going to have a glowing human-sized boner. Also, governments will fall, animals will do my bidding, I will reign as supreme overlord and you will all be my minions. But, to be honest, what I'm most excited about is the boner."

Happy July 4th, Everybody!

A LITTLE SOMETHING TO REMEMBER THIS WEEKEND.

The Unicorn Solution

AFTER A LOT OF SEARCHING I finally found the perfect illustration for the troubles facing President Obama currently. Yes, the problems are complex and yes he is facing an uphill battle. But I believed that a well-trained graphic designer or artist could probably pull it all together in a simple, clear picture.

I was right.



Wow. That totally says it all, doesn't it?

The Truth About Magnum

NOT THAT THIS SHOULD SURPRISE ANYONE.

World Cup Photo Update!

NOW WITH MORE CUPPING!

Another Facebook Threat

THIS AD APPEARED ON THE SIDE of my Facebook page today.



Naturally, I interpreted this as a threat that I was destined to die in Irvine. Which is a horrible, horrible thought. The ad below that one only upped the ante.



Sure. I see how you're gonna do it, Irvine Chamber of Commerce. Death by Chicken Sensation.

You're monsters. Cold, heartless monsters.

{NOTE: For those unfamiliar with Irvine, please substitute the name of your favorite suburban "utopia."}

Bear Attack!

SAME THING HAPPENED to a friend of mine in West Hollywood.



{From this place via this place.}

It's All About the Washingtons

THIS PICTURE CLEARLY PROVES that Sean "Puffy" Combs is still in touch with the common man.



He's just confused why there's a one dollar bill in his wallet and where the fuck it came from. In his defense, it does look like he's maybe at a Lakers game, in which case there really isn't anything at all he could use a one dollar bill for.

{Thanks, Augie.}

A Study in Contrasts

IT'S OBVIOUS that the hot banker from Citibank who was fired for being too hot has hired a lawyer based solely on his ability to serve as a point of contrast to her hotness.



"And with her this morning is her lawyer. I don't know his name, but he is obviously half-man, half-toad. Welcome to both of you!"

Two additional things.

One: How many high-fives did the graphics department at CBS News slap after coming up with the "Sex and the Citi" graphic? At least twelve would be my guess.

Two: Listen to the "banker" speak. Listen to her words and sentences. Try to decipher not only what she is saying, but exactly what her accent is. Show your work.

Turn in your blue books at the front of the class and have a great summer!

Every Trick in the Book

WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMON-COLORED JACKETS... I guess you find another way to entertain yourself during the gig. Provided you are the drummer, that is.



{Don't blame me...blame Will.}

A Message to the Flowers

FROM AN ADORABLE LITTLE GIRL...



More of the same can be found here.

{Moe found it.}

Clear Eyes, Steelheart, Can't Lose!

DO YOU LOVE COFFEE, but feel like there's no coffee brand out there that really caters to you, to who you really are, I mean who you are in your heart of hearts? And is that secret self a water delivery guy by day but a slightly below average vocalist in a local blues-rock band that plays mostly cover tunes but is working pretty hard on a CD of original tunes by night? It is? Well, my friend, it's time I introduce you to Steelheart Coffee!


This little gem of a REAL PRODUCT punched me in the eyes at the grocery store this morning. I was hardly awake and had gone to the store specifically for coffee. And seeing this package, next to the three other equally mind-bending "flavors" from Steelheart, gave me the distinct feeling that I was still sleeping.

This package design is a trainwreck on so many levels it's hard to know where to start. Obviously I started with the "lead singer," but I could have just as easily started with the "Good 2B Alive." Firstly, why is it in quotes? Is this something someone famous said? And when they said it, did they specify that it was "2B" and not "to be," or "too bee" even? And why the change of color for the word "alive" and the end quote?

Oh my god!

The more I look at this package, the more I feel like I'm being transported back to 1988, but only the horrible parts of the decade. The "cool" font alone is nausea-inducing, and thank you, makers of Steelheart Coffee, for putting the copy in all-caps. That way I know that every word on the package is equally important. Also, it definitely makes it easier to read.

On the positive side, take another look at the "lead singer" guy! That fucker is good 2B alive, for sure! He's striding out of an Ed Hardy Jr. hellscape and into the day. Because of the microphone in his hand, I believe we are to assume he is on a stage. But I prefer to think of him as just striding down the street, pretending he's being filmed for a music video. The sun is shining and he's never felt more sure of himself.

How can he have such confidence? Is it his paler than pale torn jeans, his black tank top, his goatee? No. It's none of those things. It's his coffee.

Fuck yeah it is!

No Exercise or Fish Oils!

PROOF THAT THE WORLD HASN'T CHANGED AT ALL in the last thirty years. Ladies are still trying to find ways to gain "welcome weight and keep it on."



You should listen to "actress" Linda Peck. She knows all about being popular. Personally, I think her best role was as "Giant Model" in Land of the Giants. Although a good case could be made for her uncredited turn as "Telethon Telephone Girl" in Valley of the Dolls.

Definite Article Problems

THE L.A. TIMES WANTS TO KNOW SOMETHING. And it's probably been on everyone's minds.



So, what do you think? Do you agree that Kobe is like a arrogant movie star? Or is he more like a ordinary basketball player? It's an question that really needs to be answered.

A Message to Immigrants

I THINK THIS ABOUT SUMS IT UP.

The Healing Powers of Hog Feces

THIS IS THE KIND OF PERSON I AM. When I see the headline "Police find suspect neck-deep in liquid manure pit," I read the story.



The pit was filled with a combination of hog and dog feces, and the suspect had been there for at least an hour. Now, I'm sure this guy thought, "the cops will never look for me here." I'm sure he thought he was being an amazing criminal mastermind. Which only makes him more fantastic in my mind.

But what you really have to admire about this guy, other than his crippling meth addiction naturally, is his tenacity. After the cops found him in the feces pit [new band name alert!], he still became combative with them and had to be shocked twice with a stun gun. Twice.

So after an hour soaking in a pool of hog and dog feces, this guy's will was so indomitable he still fought back. That hour in the poo didn't dampen his spirit at all.

I have to think that there's a Trading Places type of movie that starts with this guy's story, then a modern day Don Ameche and Ralph Bellamy give each other a knowing look. And one of them says, "That's exactly the type of spirit we're missing at the executive level!" They clean up the meth addict and teach him how to manage the company, in a montage set to Fountains of Wayne's "Bright Future in Sales." For some reason Hector Elizondo is there tutoring him.

Our hero succeeds. (Of course!) But there's something missing, an emptiness he feels. And despite the fancy clothes, expensive cars and scads of money, he still spends nights in his penthouse apartment staring out the window and sighing deeply.

"What is it, baby?" asks one of his many prostitutes.

"Nothing," he says, forcing a smile. "Nothing at all. Now remind me, how much for a rusty trombone?"

"Usually $200," she smiles. "But you seem so sad tonight, how about this one's on me?"

He touches her face. "Thank you."

Then, the night of the big board meeting, the guy bolts from the room, in the middle of his presentation. He rushes out of the room, down the elevator and to his waiting limo.

"Take me to this address!" he shouts as he gives his driver a slip of paper.

"Yessir! Immediately, sir!" comes the reply.

Back in the boardroom it is chaos. The oldest, stodgiest board member harangues Don Ameche and Ralph Bellamy. "What have you gotten us into? We trusted this crazy experiment of yours! If he isn't back here in thirty minutes, I will have no recourse but to remove you both from the board of directors!"

"But our father started this company!" Don Ameche says.

Now it's a car chase! Don Ameche and Ralph Bellamy's limo chasing our hero's limo! But where are they going? Out of the city? What could possibly be way out here in the country?

"Oh no," Ralph Bellamy says. "He couldn't. He wouldn't."

But he is. Our hero's limo stops at a hog farm and he gets out, breathes deeply and smiles, for the first time in a long time.

The limo driver flinches a little at the smell, then asks, "Do you want me wait for you, sir?"

"No, you're free to go, Jenkin-Jeeves. Thank you for being such a good friend."

Our hero then walks, head held high, toward the feces pit. He strips off his tailored suit as he walks. He's smiling. A tear of joy in the corner of one eye.

Don Ameche and Ralph Bellamy's limo pulls up and they both get out and cover their noses and mouths with fancy silk handkerchiefs. "Why didn't you stop him?" they ask the limo driver.

"I don't know," Jenkin-Jeeves says. "He just looked so happy.

David Bowie's "Heroes" plays on the soundtrack as our hero, now stripped naked, marches into the feces pit. He stops once he's buried up to his neck. The camera pushes in on his face.

We know he's finally home.

The End.

Then, of course, the hilarious and obligatory outtakes as the credits run.

Exactly What The Beatles Had in Mind

DON'T FORGET: you're an idiot who doesn't understand how to do simple tasks around the house without endangering yourself or others.



{from Dave}

File Under: Godzilla's Next Opponent

I'LL SEE YOUR SNUGGIE, and I'll raise you a nightmare.



This is a product that takes the Snuggie/Slanket selling point of "keeping your hands free" and totally says fuck you to that in favor of letting you shamble around like the orange monster from the Bugs Bunny cartoons.

"Sure, having your arms free is nice...I guess. But look at how comfortable I am lying here on my back and crossing my legs! Take that, Snuggie!"

Of course, what we really need is the video of the guy on the floor trying to get up from his prone position without using his arms. Or even better, the video of the walking/shambling guy tripping and trying to keep himself from landing right on his kisser.

One positive thing about this product is how it serves a demographic totally ignored by both Snuggie and Slanket -- perverts who keep people confined in their basements.

Look How Photogenic You Are!

I SAW A PICTURE OF YOU in the paper the other day. So I clipped it out.



I have to say. You look pretty good, all things considered.

Keep Ghostbusters Off Facebook

AND I THINK WE ALL KNOW what I mean by "Ghostbusters."

Where Motorcycles Come From

MOTORCYCLES AREN'T MADE...they're summoned!



And if you shave your mustache, your motorcycle turns back into a Segway.

That's Not a Headline

THIS IS A HEADLINE.



Gentlemen of the Congo, please guard your bits accordingly.

Mascot Massacre Round Two

SURE, LAUGH IF YOU MUST about my method, but I did accurately predict the Round One winners in the entire South Bracket. Also correctly foretold: Ohio over Georgetown, Murray State over Vanderbilt and Old Dominion over Notre Dame. Did I get some things wrong? Maybe I did. But that’s not the point, now is it?

The point is that we’re out of Round One now and into Round Two, and the carnage continues. Again, these are cage matches and only one side survives.

Let it BEGIN!!! Or...in this case, continue.

MIDWEST
Kansas Jayhawks vs. UNLV Runnin’ Rebels – The Rebels are rebellious and obviously fond of cross-country. But the Jayhawks are Civil War era guerilla fighters, who, I feel it’s worth repeating, are fighting on the right side of history. Who knows who the Rebels are rebelling against? Is it fair to assume they are rebelling against Abraham Lincoln? Of course it is. In which case, they are destined to be defeated.
WINNER: JAYHAWKS!

Michigan State Spartans vs. Houston Cougars – Until the Spartans face another armed foe, they kind of have a walk in the tournament.
WINNER: SPARTANS!

Tennessee Volunteers vs. Ohio Bobcats – The Bobcats had it easy in Round One, being pitted against a domesticated dog. This round they face an actual army. Okay, I’ll make it more fair this time. I’ll give the Bobcats handguns. Whoops! No opposable thumbs. Sorry li’l fellas.
WINNER: VOLUNTEERS!

Oklahoma State Cowboys vs. UC Santa Barbara Gauchos – Wow, cowboy versus cowboy! North America versus South America in a battle of silly hats! Since I’m American, I obviously believe our Cowboys are better than anyone else’s. Let's just hope they don't fall in love out there, because if that's the case, you know who wins? That's right, Paul Haggis.
WINNER: COWBOYS!

WEST
Vermont Catamounts vs. Florida State Seminoles – Another close call, but as with the Mountaineers above, what we’re talking about is a skilled hunter versus a wild animal. On the plus side, that cougar jacket will look nice at the Seminole Spring Formal.
WINNER: SEMINOLES!

UTEP Miners vs. Murray State Racers – The ponies got the nod last round when they were facing a bunch of Vic 20s. This round, however, their opponents are surly old men with pick-axes.
WINNER: MINERS!

Xavier Musketeers vs. Oakland Golden Grizzlies – The Musketeers’ swords and guns might have worked against the Mecha-Gophers from Minnesota. But these robotic opponents are about ten times that size.
WINNER: GOLDEN GRIZZLIES!

Florida Gators vs. Kansas State Wildcats – Wildcats are predators. They are quick and stealthy and capable of deadly speed. However, they are also what most Gators would call “snack-sized.”
WINNER: GATORS!

EAST
Kentucky Wildcats vs. Wake Forest Demon Deacons – Being non-magical, non-robotic, non-supernatural really hurts the Wildcats in this matchup. Obviously, hell-spawn creatures have a bit of an advantage in the tourney. Oh wait, don’t people often call the Wildcats the “Angelic Wildcats?” No? My bad.
WINNER: DEMON DEACONS!

Temple Owls vs. Wisconsin Badgers – Fur and feathers will fly in this close competition, and you have to ask yourself: Is it really an advantage to be able to fly? Also, that Tootsie Pop is more of a hindrance than a help.
WINNER: BADGERS!

Marquette Golden Eagles vs. Montana Grizzlies – Size is the advantage here. Even if I assume the Robo-Eagles have eyes that shoot lasers, which naturally I’m assuming, I still believe the gargantuan mass of the Grizzlies tips the scales in their favor.
WINNER: GRIZZLIES!

Missouri Tigers vs. West Virginia Mountaineers – After facing Bears in the previous round, the Mountaineers may be a little thrown by the non-native Tigers. But these are inbred hillbillies we’re talking about. One vicious animal is the same as another. They’re just another meal wrapped in fur.
WINNER: MOUNTAINEERS!

SOUTH
Duke Blue Devils vs. California Golden Bears – Hellbeast versus Mecha-Bear! This would be a pretty awesome match were it not for one thing: the melting temperature of gold.
WINNER: BLUE DEVILS!

Texas A&M Aggies vs. Purdue Boilermakers – Do you really want to start a fight with a bunch of iron-workers? You do? But you’re a bunch of agriculture students. You know, this might be why people don't think you're a very smart bunch of people. I'm just saying.
WINNER: BOILERMAKERS!

Old Dominion Monarchs vs. Baylor Bears – Old Dominion’s mascot is a lion with a crown on its head. While the crown offers Old Dominion zero advantage on the battlefield, you gotta give ‘em style points. I mean, not everyone can pull off wearing a crown, but that lion looks awesome in it! In an otherwise even match, the style points push it over the edge.
WINNER: MONARCHS!

St. Mary’s Gaels vs. Villanova Wildcats – Nothing about the Gaels implies that they are armed or schooled in the art of self-defense. As far as we know, these Gaels are a group of kindly senior citizens from Belfast. Or they are Oprah’s girlfriend. Either way, I think you might want to look away. It’s not gonna be pretty.
WINNER: WILDCATS!

Round One results.

Smell You Later

I LIKE TO IMAGINE that advertising copywriters are repressed individuals who aren't trying to come up with clever copy so much as they are trying to clear their consciences of dark, dark secrets. Maybe I'm only thinking this recently because of the following ad I saw on the New York Times website.



Firstly, if you "love the smell of chair in the morning," you are a pervert. Let's just agree on that. Ordinary people don't go around smelling chairs. In my experience anyway.

That said, and understanding that this is a play on the Robert Duvall line from Apocalypse Now, why the morning specifically?

Wait, let me back up. Why choose that movie quote, out of all possible movie quotes? Obviously, it wasn't chosen because it made the most sense. Did "The chair? You can't handle the chair?" not have the right ring to it? I'd like to offer some other, equally sensible choices that I feel the advertisers at Hive rejected before settling on smelling a chair.

"Take your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty CHAIR."
"She's my daughter! She's my CHAIR! My daughter! My CHAIR! She's my CHAIR and my daughter."
"Frankly, my CHAIR, I don't give a damn!"
"Louis, I think this is the CHAIR of a beautiful friendship."
"I am SpartaCHAIR!"

I would have included, "We're gonna need a bigger CHAIR," but that makes way too much sense.

Maybe I'm missing the appeal of this though. I don't know anything about Hive. Maybe it's like the American Apparel of furniture stores. In which case, playing to the pervert crowd is smart.

March Mascot Madness 2010

WE'VE ALL BEEN HERE BEFORE. In the early stages of March Madness, incurable as far as I know, and trying our best to predict the winner, hopefully for monetary gain. There are a lot of methods to arrive at this, but the one I prefer is to fill out my bracket according to how the mascots would fare in a cage match (standard North American rules).

I don’t want to brag too much, but when I last did it this way, I accurately chose the winner.

Let’s break it down, bracket by bracket, shall we?

MIDWEST
Kansas Jayhawks vs. Lehigh Mountain Hawks – In predicting the winners here, I will do my best not to favor the mascot of my alma mater, the overall #1 seed, which is not a bird actually but a Civil War guerilla fighter fighting for the freedom of slaves. What I’m saying is: KU’s mascot is named after an armed force that was totally on the right side of history. Can the same be said about you, ordinary hawk? No it can’t.
WINNER: JAYHAWKS!

UNLV Runnin’ Rebels vs. Northern Iowa Panthers – There are a lot of armed forces in this year’s bracket, but the Rebels are the only Runnin’ version. However, it isn’t their speed or the size of their fantastic mustachios that will really benefit them in this match. No, it’s the guns that will make the biggest difference.
WINNER: RUNNIN’ REBELS!

Michigan State Spartans vs. New Mexico State Aggies – Spartans are historically gifted fighters, favored in a fight even if they are outnumbered. On the other hand, Aggies are students who are studying agriculture. Oh Aggies, don’t you know, you never bring a lawn aerator to a sword fight.
WINNER: SPARTANS!

Maryland Terrapins vs. Houston Cougars – You know how Skittles have that crunchy candy coating outside but are soft and tangy on the inside. Me too. Oh, by the way, that’s exactly how a cougar describes a turtle.
WINNER: COUGARS!

Tennessee Volunteers vs. San Diego State Aztecs – Hmm, I wonder how an indigenous people would fare against an armed force from America? If only there were some historical precedent.
WINNER: VOLUNTEERS!

Georgetown Hoyas vs. Ohio Bobcats – No one really knows what a “Hoya” is, not even people who are proud to call themselves Hoyas. What we do know is that they are depicted as a bulldog. There’s no confusion about what a Bobcat is. Or how much more well-adapted to hunting prey it is compared to a domesticated dog.
WINNER: BOBCATS!

Oklahoma State Cowboys vs. Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets – Cowboys are rough and rugged men of the prairie who occasionally fall in love with each other, according to Hollywood anyway. Yellow jackets are a predatory wasp. Not being human-sized is a disadvantage in this confrontation, however.
WINNER: COWBOYS!

Ohio State Buckeyes vs. UC Santa Barbara Gauchos – If this were a confrontation written, directed and produced by M. Night Shyamalan, those Gauchos might have something to fear from a bunch of trees from Ohio. Of course, then the ending would still be some dumb twist you figured out from watching the trailer anyway and you’d have to swear to your wife you’d never take her to another one of his crappy movies ever again, even though you both really liked The Sixth Sense and Signs (kinda). What was I talking about? Oh right…
WINNER: GAUCHOS!

WEST
Syracuse Orange vs. Vermont Catamounts – One of the three colors in this year’s tournament, the Orange have a difficult task ahead of them. Not having a specific physical form, they don’t stand much chance against the sharp claws and gnashing teeth of the variant of the cougar from the Northeast. Unless, they aren’t the color but the fruit! Oh wait. That’s still not an advantage.
WINNER: CATAMOUNTS!

Gonzaga Bulldogs vs. Florida State Seminoles – Bulldogs, you are adorable. With your crazy faces and the slobbering and snoring. And you’re so friendly and trusting too! You might have noticed that I did not say “poison-tipped” or “razor-sharp.”
WINNER: SEMINOLES!

Butler Bulldogs vs. UTEP Miners – Oh boy. Those adorable Bulldogs have befriended someone else. Don’t follow them into the mine, puppies! Don’t do it!
WINNER: MINERS!

Vanderbilt Commodores vs. Murray State Racers – To be honest, I’ve always wanted to see a horse fight an obsolete computer. Nothing against the Commodore 64, it just smashes real good under the powerful forelocks of a thoroughbred. Also, I’m a big fan of stomping.
WINNER: RACERS!

Xavier Musketeers vs. Minnesota Golden Gophers – Let’s for a moment imagine that these are not ordinary Gophers some maniac has simply dipped in gold. What if these are gold-plated mecha-Gophers? What then, Musketeers? What would your answer be then, huh? Ah, I see. You’re putting away your sword in favor of your musket. Well played, sir.
WINNER: MUSKETEERS!

Pittsburgh Panthers vs. Oakland Golden Grizzlies – Now we’re talking! Now you’ve mechanized something fearsome. As if ordinary Grizzlies weren’t terrifying enough, now they’ve got shiny golden skin and red laser eyes! (I’m assuming.) I think even a Robo-Panther would have a tough time winning this one.
WINNER: GOLDEN GRIZZLIES!

BYU Cougars vs. Florida Gators – Now this is a fight where the home court advantage would really matter. It would be a no-brainer if the Cougars had to fight the Gators in the water. But on land, it’s a lot closer. Ultimately, I give the edge to the side with scaly armor, a thousand teeth and the coach who looks like the Marine in your unit who goes bananas and shoots up the place.
WINNER: GATORS!

Kansas State Wildcats vs. North Texas Mean Green – Seriously. Your mascot is a color? I feel like you’re just giving up, North Texas. Even if I imagine that your mascot is an Angry Salad, you still don’t stand a chance.
WINNER: WILDCATS!

EAST
Kentucky Wildcats vs. East Tennessee State Buccaneers – Normally, I would give the nod to the pirates. But a quick glance at a map shows me that these “pirates” aren’t really anywhere near an ocean. In fact, East Tennessee is mountainous. So, Buccaneers, I’m guessing you aren’t the brightest bulbs. Even with your cannons and swords, you’ll find a way to lose.
WINNER: WILDCATS!

Texas Longhorns vs. Wake Forest Demon Deacons – No matter how long your horns are, you’re still a steer. And your opponent hails from hell. That combination could mean only one thing. Barbecue for everyone!
WINNER: DEMON DEACONS!

Temple Owls vs. Cornell Big Red – After a little research, I discovered that Big Red was actually short for “The Big Red Team.” Which, coincidentally, is the answer to the question: What is a worse nickname than “Big Red?”
WINNER: OWLS!

Wisconsin Badgers vs. Wofford Terriers – It’s a battle of tenacity vs. tenacity. But I’m sorry, Wofford, I can’t help but think your name is based on a pun. I get it, WOOF-ord, I get it. Your wordplay will not save you against the curved claws and snapping jaws of the Badgers.
WINNER: BADGERS!

Marquette Golden Eagles vs. Washington Huskies – Mecha-Eagle vs. Sled Dog! It might as well be Wood Chipper vs. Six Week Old Puppy.
WINNER: GOLDEN EAGLES!

New Mexico Lobos vs. Montana Grizzlies – These two opponents are familiar with one another, frequently calling the same state park home. And it’s really sad to think of all of those Grizzlies every year who are attacked and killed by wolves. What’s that? That never happens? Oh right.
WINNER: GRIZZLIES!

Clemson Tigers vs. Missouri Tigers – Not since the Civil War have we seen a house divided in such a way. Brother against brother! But it’s so sad. When Tiger fights Tiger, does anyone really win? Yes, a Tiger wins.
WINNER: TIGERS!

West Virginia Mountaineers vs. Morgan State Bears – If you live in the mountains and don’t know how to handle yourself around a bear, well, you’re probably not really a “mountaineer.” You’re probably just a “weird guy who thinks he has a special connection with bears.” You know how that story ends, right? You don’t? Just ask Werner Herzog.
WINNER: MOUNTAINEERS!

SOUTH
Duke Blue Devils vs. Arkansas-Pine Bluff Golden Lions – Turning an already accomplished predator like a lion into a futuristic robot would, in most cases, assure a win. That is, unless the foe is a supernatural creature made of fire and evil.
WINNER: BLUE DEVILS!

California Golden Bears vs. Louisville Cardinals – No matter how angry you make your songbird mascot look, it’s still just a songbird. It’s still as dangerous and vicious as a songbird.
WINNER: GOLDEN BEARS!

Texas A&M Aggies (5) vs. Utah State Aggies – see Tigers vs. Tigers above.
WINNER: AGGIES!

Purdue Boilermakers vs. Siena Saints – You know what Step One in becoming a Saint is? Dying. Step Two is traditionally being dead for many many years. This does not bode well for Siena, in my opinion.
WINNER: BOILERMAKERS!

Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs. Old Dominion Monarchs – Let’s face it, the Irish will be too hungover on the day after St. Paddy’s Day to win this one.
WINNER: MONARCHS!

Baylor Bears vs. Sam Houston State Bearkats – Oh man, Bears vs. Bears! This one will be awesome! Oh wait a second. Bearkats? I’m assuming this is a combination of a bear and a meerkat. In which case, it is not an improvement on your standard issue Bear.
WINNER: BEARS!

Richmond Spiders vs. Saint Mary’s Gaels – Are they giant spiders? Made gargantuan by exposure to radioactivity or a strange meteorite from the deeps of space? No? Just spiders? Regular old spiders? And are the Gaels wearing shoes? Yes?
WINNER: GAELS!

Villanova Wildcats vs. Robert Morris Colonials – You know those people who churn butter and make tri-corner hats at those tourist traps across the country? Of course you do. You know what those people are called? That’s right: Nerds.
WINNER: WILDCATS!

Click here for Round Two!

Proof of Evolution

First there was this.



Which, of course, led to this.

Does Almost None of the Things a Spider Can

I'VE GOT A BAD FEELING about this new Spider-Man reboot.

Ugly Babies Need Not Apply

TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT YOUR BABY and be honest with yourself (first and foremost) and then with us.



Because, seriously, if you send us a picture of a baby, and it is NOT a handsome baby, we can't be held responsible for what we might do. I know, I know, the contest is called a "Cute Baby Contest," but let's be realistic. Cute just doesn't cut it anymore. Tina Yothers was a cute baby and look how that worked out for her.

Right. Not good is what I'm saying.

So please, and I cannot emphasize this at all, HANDSOME BABIES ONLY. Is your baby George Clooney...only a baby? Perfect! Send us the picture! Do people call your baby McDreamy or McSteamy? Or did you just name your baby McSteamy in hopes that we would be fooled. If the former, great! You're exactly what we're looking for. If the latter, get a grip! Stop kidding yourself and stop lying to your baby. There's nothing sadder than an unattractive baby that thinks it's sexy just because his/her parents told it so. Nothing is sadder than that. Not even Haiti.

Also, do not waste our time. This is a national contest. The prize is $2,500! What I'm saying is, this is some serious-ass shit.

Okay, fair enough. The baby we chose for the Facebook ad wasn't the most handsome baby in the world. That's a totally legitimate criticism. It's just a really really cute baby. That's my bad. I'll take the fall for that one. I chose the photo. Mea. Culpa.

What? Is it my baby?

Come on, don't be ridiculous. My future babies are already more handsome than that, and they haven't even been born yet. If I had a baby it would win this contest, by a landslide. It would win the contest so mightily, the contest would probably have to shut down forever. So to answer your question, no, that is not my baby.

Per se.

Did I buy it from a "baby broker?" Maybe. Did I find it next to a sleeping woman on a cross-town bus? Look, that's beside the point. The point is, if your baby isn't Johnny Depp (again, the baby version) or like a baby swimsuit model, don't even bother.

Also, I know the ad says to send in a photo, but the best way to win this contest -- if you want a little Pro Tip -- is to send your baby in. By messenger, if possible. Although FedEx isn't bad, either.

And NO we're not just going to sell your baby for profit. That is a gross exaggeration. It's probably a lie even. We're not some fly-by-night Cute Baby Contest. We are a reputable, you know, whatever. We're trustworthy. For reals.

So send us your baby. Seriously. Do it now.

Oh yeah, and you'd think this would go without saying but apparently it doesn't: white babies only.

Free Pony Rides!

FOR A LIMITED TIME, I am offering free pony rides.



Please keep in mind that I am unclear what a pony is.

Your Hump Day Ballad

HIS NAME IS JIM SLONINA, and I'm pretty sure he's a genius.

Fun with Lip-Syncing - I Who Have Nothing - watch more funny videos

{via Ron F***ing Swanson}

Oscar (Knee) Jerk

AFTER READING THE NOMINATIONS THIS MORNING, I wasted no time in predicting my winners...

BEST PICTURE -- Avatar Hollywood loves to congratulate itself. And what better way to do that than to give a Best Picture Oscar to the highest grossing film ever? Does Avatar deserve to be called "Best Picture"? Of course not. But since when is it standard for the actual best film to win?

BEST DIRECTOR -- Kathryn Bigelow Until she won the DGA award, I really thought her ex-husband was going to sweep this statuette up too. But Bigelow wins this year because of two things: Oscar voters love to "do the right thing", even if that means taking nearly a century to finally recognize a female director. And Oscar voters are sexist, by which I mean if The Hurt Locker wasn't a "dude film directed by a lady," Bigelow wouldn't even be mentioned. She had to show she could "direct like a man" before they'd take her seriously.

BEST ACTOR -- Jeff Bridges
BEST ACTRESS -- Sandra Bullock
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS -- Mo'Nique In the acting categories, the early awards really tell the tale.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR -- Christoph Waltz It's sad to think that this will likely be the only award that (easily) the best film of the year will take home on Oscar night. But there is no performance by ANYONE this year as amazing as Waltz's performance.

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE -- Up Pixar wins because...Pixar!

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM -- The White Ribbon Always bet on the Germans.

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY -- The Hurt Locker Inglourious Basterds should win, but for some reason it won't.

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY -- In The Loop It's an upset! People might think Up in the Air will win, but instead this movie that I haven't even seen will! Why do I think that? Mostly because I think Up in the Air is average at best! Hooray!

Let's see how I do.

Please keep in mind that I thought very little about this process, and neither should you. Seriously, don't we have better things to worry about these days?

And, yes, I'm talking about Tough Love and The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love.

An Old Vehicle But a Good One

I NEVER KNEW THIS SONG WAS CALLED "VEHICLE."



Also, I didn't know there ever was a band called Ides of March. So how could I have possibly known that band was formed by the same guy who later went on to form Survivor and to write "Eye of the Tiger"?

Fine, I'll admit that I don't know what music is. Also, what are words?

The Breadsticks and the Chicken Wings

THIS IS THE PHOTO THAT STARTED IT ALL. A photo taken in a gas station in glamorous Baker, California.



The gas station really is a magical place. You’ve heard all about the combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell? Well, this place is that and then some. It’s a combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell and Wing Street and A&W and TCBY and Subway and gas station and convenience store. If you ask me, it’s just a Long John Silver’s away from perfection. And it’s all in the shadow of world’s largest thermometer.

That illustration occupied a spot above the Pizza Hut counter, right next to the entrance to the bathrooms. It had been there for years, and the wife and I would see it every time we went to Vegas. At 90 miles west of Vegas, Baker is the perfect first pit stop on the trip home.

I always assumed the picture was of two breadsticks who were (obviously) best friends, and for whatever reason they were walking away from three chicken wings. Maybe they had hit on the prettiest chicken wing and were shot down? Maybe only the breadstick on the left hit on the chicken wings and the breadstick on the right was his wing man (ironic!). Hell, maybe the middle “chicken wing” was actually a breaded and friend pickle. It definitely looks more like a pickle than any part of a chicken.

Whatever the case, no one at the gas station has ever offered an explanation. Which is why I asked friends and strangers via Facebook, Twitter and Flickr what they thought it might represent. The results were pretty fantastic. Everyone agreed that the three things on the right were chicken. But people were divided on the couple on the left. Were they breadsticks? Churros? French fries? More chicken?

Our friend Glark saw the pair on the right as “strippers” who had shed their chicken parts. “Those are normal chicken pieces and when they get the courage to let their hair down they strip and become chicken strips.”

Most people assumed the picture was one of tragedy. Like my wife’s explanation: “The french fry on the right just cried three giant brown tears because the French fry on the left has leukemia.” Which was surprisingly similar to our friend Tara’s interpretation: “One churro just found out he has cancer, and his friend is comforting him. Also soy ‘chicken fingers’ are there?”

My friend Jared saw the “two walking and talking bread sticks” as Detectives Deborah and Dexter Morgan. Behind them lay the bodies of “three buffalo winged amputees,” victims of “a heinous crime, believed to be committed by a former member of the Green Berets.” Sadly, Deborah and Dexter were too late.

My nephew explained it like this: "Hey! Let’s use these giant chicken wings as shoes!" one bread stick says to the other. "But we have four feet, and there are only three chickenshoes." "Damn."

My friend Kath didn’t elaborate on the possible story because she was thrown off by the decision to anthropomorphize the French fries, “but the chicken nuggets-- which actually were alive at some point-- are inanimate objects,” she said. “The painter knew that if the nuggets were portrayed as alive, it would rip through that veneer of denial that lets us eat meat and they'd never sell another nugget. A happy dancing fry, on the other hand, is an appetizing treat.”

Sadly, the sign doesn’t exist anymore. It has since been replaced with a Pizza Hut/Wing Stop sign. But the owners of the gas station have added two new illustrations. One of an obviously carnivorous bear and his best friend, a hot dog superhero.



I kind of feel sorry for that hot dog who seems oblivious to the fact that the bear is eating a hamburger and, therefore, his very life might be in danger.

The other picture is of a line of suicidal fruits rushing to sacrifice themselves to be part of a TCBY smoothie.



Look how enthusiastically the strawberry is diving into blender. And the banana is giving a wave, like “Look, ma! I’m gonna be in smoothies!”

How It's Done: News Reporting

ACCURACY IS EVERYTHING in news reporting. And even more so in making fun of news reporting.

Hail to the Chief?

I HAVE BEEN GONE FOR A WHILE, I know. An explanation is coming shortly. It's a very strange story, I promise.

In the meantime, please understand that this is not a picture of Barack Obama. Except that it is.



For more amazing paintings of our president, please visit badpaintingsofbarackobama.com.

{Via Moe}