If You Love It So Much, Why Don't You...

I THINK THE CHINESE EXPRESSED IT BEST.



From the fantastic Engrish.com website.

More Shocks!

I STILL HAVE FAMILY IN TOWN FOR THE HOLIDAYS. So instead of some elaborate post, I'll just give you another weird picture of someone getting shocked.



Merry Xmas!

Why Derf Is Awesome

FIRST OF ALL, HIS NAME IS DERF. As if that's not enough to recommend him, might I offer up the following comic? I might? Great! Here it is!



Also, he's a good guy and he lives in Cleveland. Check his site out. Buy his books.

Okay, then.

Mark Your Calendars!

BETTER STOP SHAVING NOW! Just to make sure you're ready.



This guy will greet you:



And this guy will give you a French kiss:



You don't want to know what this guy will do:



I'm just giving you a warning.

Shocking Baby

SURE, I GET IT. This baby is being shocked.



And this is obviously meant as an illustration warning parents (at least those in 1930s Germany) of a danger to their little babies. But I have a question:

What the hell does the baby have in its mouth and hand? Maybe the parents shouldn't have plugged their jumper cables into the outlet next to the baby? That would have been a good start, I think.

Having Your Hitler Cake...And Eating It Too

SOMETIMES I’M NOT SURE WHY CELEBRITIES get such a bad rap, especially for the stupid names they choose for their kids. Apple Martin, Dweezil Zappa, Kal-El Coppola Cage, Pilot Inspektor Lee, Moxie Crime Fighter Gillette and Jermajesty Jackson are all ridiculous in their own ways. But why pick on them so much when there’s the Campbell family from Easton, Pennsylvania? The Campbells made the news recently because their local grocery store, the Greenwich ShopRite, refused to put their 3-year-old son’s name on a birthday cake.

"We reserve the right not to print anything on the cake that we deem to be inappropriate," ShopRite spokeswoman Karen Meleta said. "We considered this inappropriate."

The kid’s name? Adolf Hitler Campbell.

Seriously. Not just Adolf Campbell. And not just Hitler Campbell. But Adolf Hitler Campbell.


All right. And celebrities are the fucked up ones for naming kids Kal-El, Pilot, Moxie or Jermajesty? Really? Celebs are the fucked up ones? Not these “salt of the earth” Pennsylvanians? These "real Americans"? Right.

Hey, guess what? Meleta also said she had denied similar requests from the Campbells the last two years, including a request for a swastika. Those were denied as well. But don’t feel sorry for the kid or his parents, the family ultimately got the Wal-Mart to decorate the cake just like they like it. Thank goodness for that.

All right, I have a few things to say about this story, and I’m NOT even going to focus on the parents who said they named their son after Adolf Hitler because the father liked the name and because "no one else in the world would have that name." (No one but Adolf Hitler, of course.) These are the same parents who named their 2-year-old JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell. That’s not what I really want to talk about. Sure, I could focus on the fact that the parents try to brush this whole thing off as discrimination against them, because they’re not racist or supremacist at all. Who could even think that about the parents of Adolf Hitler and Aryan Nation Campbell? That’s like racial profiling or something, right?

Here’s the part that bugs me: Meleta also said she had denied similar requests from the Campbells the last two years. Never mind the part in the news story that said the Campbells had also requested a swastika. Never mind that bonkers shit. Let’s focus on the fact that it took the Campbells three years to finally get what they wanted: a news story about them and their fucked up names for their kids.

Look, they just liked the names, okay? And they, like any parents, wanted their entire kid’s name on the birthday cake. Even for the kid’s first birthday, they wanted little Adolf’s full name on the cake. Because kids remember that shit. If you skimp on that first cake, the kid will hate you for it forever. Obviously “Happy Birthday Adolf!” would seem insufficient. So why not have them put “Happy Anniversary of the Day of Your Birth, Little Adolf Hitler (Not the Dictator…It’s Just a Coincidence) Campbell” on the cake? Is that so hard for you, Greenwich ShopRite?

I mean, how fucking big was this cake? It’s hard enough to write “happy birthday” in cursive in icing on an ordinary cake of standard size. I can’t even imagine trying to write that whole mother effing name on anything smaller than, let’s say, a six-foot by four-foot sheet cake.

You know what? Fuck the Campbells. Fuck them for naming their kid after Hitler. And fuck them for trying to pretend like that’s okay. And while we’re at it, fuck the AP for just reporting this story like, “Isn’t this a crazy human interest story?” No, it isn’t. It’s the story of a douchebag couple that tried for three years to get attention (going back to the same grocery store over and over again) by naming their kid after Hitler. Until finally some other douche on the city desk at the local paper sat up and noticed and thought, “That’s interesting.” But it's not interesting. It's a little gross really.

So fuck the Campbells, fuck the AP and fuck the local Pennsylvania reporter who first wrote about this in the Easton Honest Shopper-Intelligencer, or whatever the local free paper is called.

I feel like we all owe Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson an apology for making such a fuss over Bronx Mowgli Wentz. In light of these recent developments, I have to say, that's a pretty okay name.

The White House Christmas Video

HARD TO BELIEVE, BUT THEY MADE THIS IN 2008. Drop some acid first, and then enjoy the weird, weird ride.

My Indy Diary

TO GIVE ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF MY ACUTE MENTAL POWERS, before the latest Indiana Jones movie came out, about three weeks prior, I told the wife, "I bet it's going to be really good." She, of course, laughed, given my track record. By the time the movie hit the theaters, my enthusiasm had waned, and I never mustered up the energy to go see it. A few weeks ago, it showed up on pay per view, and by this time, I had more than heard the negative reviews. But there were also so many positive reviews. So many "it's not great but it's still worth the money" reviews, that I became convinced it was, at worst, mediocre.

Oh, if only that were true.

This installment is so bad, I'm shocked any reviewers gave it a thumbs up. It's so bad, it made me nostalgic about the first sequel. It's so bad, I kept a diary of my thoughts, a list really, while I watched the film. I called it:

QUESTIONS & COMMENTS THAT OCCURRED TO ME WHILE I WATCHED INDIANA JONES & THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL

1. Oh dear, the credits are still rolling and already I'm concerned. Why are the opening two minutes about some kids from the ‘50s trying to race an Army convoy? Unless there's going to be a twist. Is there going to be a twist? There isn't? The kids just drive on while the convoy turns down a dusty road? Those kids from the ‘50s don’t really have anything to do with anything? Well, that doesn’t exactly fill me with confidence.
2. The Russians are the bad guys? Really?
3. Are you kidding me? Are we really in Area 51? Seriously?
4. Indy was kidnapped in Mexico and brought here? Why didn't we start in Mexico? With Indy searching for relics and being kidnapped by the Russians? Just a thought.
5. Who’s this British guy Indy’s palling around with? I’ll just bet he doesn’t live another five minutes of screen time.
6. So this box is so magnetic that it will draw gunpowder from a hundred yards away?
7. Uh-oh, the British guy’s a Benedict Arnold. Now he’s working for Cate Blanchett, who’s psychic or something?
8. Oh wait, the box isn’t magnetic anymore for some reason! Suddenly, it’s not drawn to all the metal in the Jeep. That makes sense, I guess, Jeeps aren’t really made from much metal.
9. Indy’s trapped in the atomic blast zone moments before the A-bomb is detonated, really?
10. They really had the TV on in the fake town in the blast zone? Are you, the filmmakers, sure that’s historically accurate?
11. So Howdy Doody is on the TV? Is Spielberg worried that I’ve forgotten this movie is set in the ‘50s? We are just like 15 minutes into the movie.
12. He’s not going to climb inside a refrigerator for safety, is he? To save himself from an atomic blast? He's not going to really do that, right?
13. He is? Oh boy.
14. Fridges used to be “lined with lead for better insulation”, like this one conveniently says inside the door? Why don’t I believe that?
15. So, the fake town is destroyed, and the Russians’ car is blown to bits, but the fridge is just flung free of the blast site, left a little blackened, but Indy is okay inside? Are you sure about that? You sure you don’t want to rewrite that?
16. Look out! The FBI are after Indy now. This will probably cause a lot of complications.
17. Wait. Indy was a government agent in between the original movies and this one? Wha?
18. More than that, he’s a decorated hero? Hmmmm, this seems like a weird choice.
19. Now Indy’s back teaching his college course? I feel like the movie started over!
20. Nope. He’s not teaching anymore. The FBI searched his office, or so we’re told, so he got fired from his job at the university. Makes perfect sense.
21. Why is The Shy Beef (my wife's nickname for Shia LaBeouf) dressed like Marlon Brando in The Wild One? I mean, like exactly like him. So, that’s a joke, I guess? Oy.
22. So, one minute Indy’s on a train that’s leaving the station, is in fact almost out of the station, and now, because The Shy Beef shouted at him, he’s magically off the train? What about his luggage?
23. Okay, now we’re talking about the Crystal Skull? Now? Thirty-five minutes into the movie? I feel like the movie started over again. Again!
24. Wow. Now the KGB is after him too? Things are sure getting complicated for Indy.
25. Did Indy really just say “You brought a knife to a gun fight”?
26. Are they really having an all-out brawl between college kids and “greasers” set to a raucous version of “Shake Rattle n’ Roll”? Oh brother.
27. There’s an anti-commie rally happening on campus? Complete with a “Better Dead Than Red” banner? Spielberg must really think I’ve forgotten this is set in the ‘50s and the Russians are the bad guys. In fact, he must think I'm retarded.
28. So, the kid in the library is unfazed by The Shy Beef, Indy and a motorcycle sliding under his table? He just shrugs it off and asks Professor Jones a question about the assignment? Is that supposed to be funny too? Nah, couldn't be.
29. So The Shy Beef is going to fly all the way to Peru with his motorcycle? Sure, that makes a lot of sense.
30. Wow, this sound stage sure looks sorta like a Peruvian grave site. At least, like a grave site built on a sound stage.
31. Um, this movie looks really cheap. Did they not have money to make this film? I'm fairly certain they had more than a million dollars to spend on this movie.
32. I wonder if there’s going to be some new twist on the ol’ “snakes, why did it have to be snakes” bit?
33. I guess there doesn’t need to be an explanation why these weird guys are attacking Indy and The Shy Beef at the grave site?
34. Nope, an explanation is unnecessary. Especially now that the weird guys have left as suddenly and as inexplicably as they arrived.
35. How come Indy forgot The Shy Beef had a knife? Everyone else in the theater remembers, since we watched him do knife tricks in close up for about a minute of screen time earlier, not to mention the “knife/gun fight” line.
36. So, Indy’s looking for alien relics now? Aliens? In an Indiana Jones movie? That can’t be right, can it?
37. Ooooh! The Crystal Skull is super magnetic! So magnetic it even attracts gold? Huh?
38. Uh-oh, the British guy is back with the Russians. Maybe now the movie’s on track to making more sense? How come I have no confidence in that?
39. Ah, the British guy isn’t in this for the politics of it, he’s just in it for the gold. Gosh, I wonder if the his greed is going to come back to bite him in the ass?
40. The Crystal Skull is the key to Russian “Psychic warfare?” Whaaaaa?
41. The Crystal Skull is a relic from “Saucermen from Mars?” Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?
42. According to Cate Blanchett, “The skull does not speak to everyone, it seems.” Yeah. No shit.
43. Don’t worry everybody, the Skull’s not magnetic right now.
44. It’s confusing to everyone in the movie that John Hurt is making a writing gesture with his hand. Because who can figure that out? Other than anyone over the age of three. But the Russians don’t get it until Indy says, “Get me a piece of paper and a pencil!” Then, duh, it’s so obvious! Of course! Or as Cate Blanchett says, “Auto-writing, I should have seen this.” Yes, you should have.
45. It’s helpful that Cate Blanchett has a hammer & sickle and CCCP on the back of her jumpsuit (like a team uniform), otherwise I might have forgotten that she’s a bad guy.
46. The Shy Beef is Indy and Marion’s son??? Wow, that was totally un-shocking!
47. There it is. The snake joke. Indy has to grab a snake to save himself from quicksand. Hilarious!
48. Ohhhhhhhhhhh! The British guy is a double-agent. So he’s actually on Indy’s side. That’s really zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Also, whaaa?
49. Don’t worry everybody, it turns out neither the FBI nor the KGB really have anything at all to do with this movie. We're past the halfway point and they have yet to return to the narrative.
50. In case you were curious, the Crystal Skull is still not really magnetic at all. That magnetic power that could draw a bunch of buckshot from 50 yards away doesn’t have any effect on metal swords or metal cars.
51. I guess vines in the Amazon automatically carry you upwards if you hang on to them?
52. Another important lesson learned: Monkeys are your friend…provided you are The Shy Beef.
53. So you can catch up to speeding automobiles by swinging through the jungle on vines now?
54. Hey! Monkeys hate Communists!
55. Yes. It is true. Vines in the Amazon automatically carry you upwards if you grab them. That seems to make perfect sense
56. Deadly CGI ants hate Communists too!
57. But they fear the Crystal Skull! Because of the Crystal Skull’s captivating power to look like it was made from plastic for a movie with a $2000 budget.
58. It is good to know that five out of five people can survive falling over a three-hundred foot waterfall. Not just once, but three times in a row.
59. After all of the hype about reuniting Indy with Marion (Karen Allen), it’s refreshing to see that after all of these years, they two actors actually have no chemistry whatsoever.
60. Hmmm, somebody is dropping little red flashing markers the size of nine-volt batteries. I wonder if it could be the British guy, who probably isn’t a double-agent, but a double-double agent. Wow! What a cool twist! Except that it doesn’t make any sense.
61. Oh no! They dropped the Skull in the water and can’t find it. Maybe now someone will remember its magnetic properties and that will help them find it?
62. Nope. It still doesn’t appear to be magnetic. The Shy Beef found it with little fanfare. Thanks, filmmakers, for losing the Skull for a few seconds and then finding it again. That really added to the film.
63. Sure, you would never notice these flashing red markers if someone in your party was dropping them. Why, they’re hardly noticeable! Except that they are noticeable, that’s why the Commies have no trouble finding them!
64. The prop department has conveniently left torches around the ruins for Indy to find. That was nice of them. They’re waiting for him, like umbrellas in an umbrella stand.
65. Whoops! Guess what, everybody! Yep, the Skull’s magnetic again! Magnetic even to gold. But only for a hot second.
66. Hmm, the British guy is getting greedy now that they’ve found a lot of gold. I’m sure that will end well.
67. Surprise! The British guy is turning on Indy! Jeez, is that guy ever capricious with his moods! It's a good thing his character is absolutely essential to this film, otherwise these mood swings might be more annoying.
68. Uh-oh, the Crystal Skull’s not magnetic anymore.
69. Whoops! John Hurt’s not crazy anymore! And for no good reason! Thank goodness he was a raving lunatic for over an hour of screen time.
70. Don’t worry, the Crystal Skull guys are not spacemen, they’re “inter-dimensional beings.” Whatever the fuck that is.
71. Why is Indy trying to save the British guy? He just pulled a gun on him. This doesn’t make any sense.
72. Whoops! Cate Blanchett’s eyes caught on fire because of too much knowledge! Let that be a lesson to you kids: Don’t learn too much!
73. Wow, that special effect shot of the buried spaceship taking off must have cost a fortune. I only wish that I thought it was a great idea to find out that Chariots of the Gods was right, instead of thinking that’s a terrible ending to an already terrible film.
74. Wait! Buried spaceship? Like in Spielberg’s version of War of the Worlds? Which was also written by the same screenwriter, David Koepp? Now you guys are really getting lazy. And I guess you think if a terrible idea doesn’t work once, it will probably work better a second time.
75. Ah, the spacemen (who aren’t spacemen) just flew off, “Not into space. Into the space between spaces,” as a now clearly sane John Hurt tells us. Wow. Deep. Or boring. You decide!
76. I don’t understand. It seemed very important for The Shy Beef to fly his motorcycle to Peru, but then he never used it. In fact, we never really saw it again. Um….what?
77. Yay! It’s ending with a wedding ceremony! Just like a terrible romantic comedy.
78. Guess it turns out that the FBI and KGB really didn’t have anything at all to do with the movie after all. Thank goodness we spent so much time on them early on.
79. Uh-oh, Spielberg is hinting that The Shy Beef will be following in Indy's footsteps. That's a terribly sad thought.
80. So let me get this straight, by the end of the movie, I’ve seen two iconic shots of Indy that had I read a description of them, I would have thought, “That seems incongruous and ill-advised.” Those being, Indy silhouetted in front of an atomic blast and Indy silhouetted in front of a spaceship taking off. Nice work out-horribling the second Indiana Jones movie everyone. Good job.
81. When it’s all said and done, I only want to kill myself a little bit.

In Other Baby News

NOW THAT YOU KNOW how to tell the difference between your baby and a burrito, I have one other tiny bit of advice to pass on.


You're welcome.

Burrito Baby!

THIS NEWS STORY INSPIRED TWO COMEDY BITS.



COMEDY BIT #1
I have seven questions about this story.
QUESTION #1: If you had a burrito the size of a newborn, why would you throw it away? Wouldn’t you’d throw a burrito party and invite your closest friends to help you eat it? Or better yet, wouldn’t you just eat all of it and then spend the rest of the day in a shame spiral?
QUESTION #2: I am not a father, so I do not know for sure: Are newborns normally wrapped in paper and foil?
QUESTION #3: Or was this particular burrito served in a diaper?
QUESTION #4: Wait. Was the burrito served in an adorable onesie? If so, I think this is a dangerous practice. Even if the burrito place is called Burrito Baby. And even if the burritos are really, really delicious.
QUESTION #5: So, let me get this straight. Enough people at the Wal-Mart agreed that “Yep, that’s a baby in the trash can. It’s definitely not a burrito. I’m 100% certain it’s a baby.” So they called the cops?
QUESTION #6: Or was it a snap decision? Like, “Oh shit! That’s a baby in the trash can! Call the cops right now!” Then before the cops got there, when they realized it was just a big fucking burrito, not a baby at all, they decided, as a group, by taking a blood oath, that they would all just act surprised when the cops discovered it was a burrito and not a baby. They probably even practiced their surprised faces. Because they were embarrassed they didn’t think it through better, that they acted so hastily.
QUESTION #7: I think the person who called this in to the cops has a problem with food and/or might be a cannibal. I realize this isn’t technically a question. But I think the cops should question this person more. And the co-workers at the Wal-Mart should be careful. He/she obviously views food as people and people as food. Shit like that just doesn’t end up well. Is starts with a little nibble, and the next thing you know, you’re putting a baby in a tortilla with some beans and cheese and lettuce and salsa.

COMEDY BIT #2
Confusing babies with burritos is not as unusual as it sounds. Turns out there are nine ways in which newborn babies are ALMOST EXACTLY like burritos.
• They both are warm.
• They both are cuddly.
• They both smell nice.
• They both make you feel good.
• They both come in a variety of sizes.
• They both make you think to yourself “I can’t believe I made this!”
• They both can be bought from street vendors in major cities.
• They both are better when covered with cheese & sauce.
• They both make you think “I could never finish eating this” but then you do it anyway because they’re so delicious.

For Me to Poop On!

WITHOUT ANY FURTHER EXPLANATION, let me just post this:



Yes, that's a ceramic figurine of president-elect Barack Obama squatting down for a poop. It's currently available in Barcelona, where, according to Yahoo, "statuettes of well-known people defecating are a strong Christmas tradition", at least in the Catalan culture.

The origins of the tradition, which has been going on since the 17th century, are somewhat cloudy, but the Caganer has been a regular fixture in the nativity scene -- yes, the nativity scene -- where he normally looks like this surprised little guy.

And kids try to find him hidden somewhere in the crèche. Whee! What fun! Look at that adorable little "pooper" (which is what caganer means in Catalan). His expression is the universal look of, "Whoops! You caught me pooping too close to the Christ Child!" I think that much is perfectly clear.

This is not a new thing. Archaeologists found an ancient "pooper" from the 17th century that depicted, "a holy Iberian warrior defecating on his falcata," which I'm sure is less painful than it sounds. And since the 1940s, celebrities, athletes, historical figures, politicians and Spanish royalty have been re-imagined as caganers. Thus, the Yes We Can pooper.

But it's not like the caganer is the only defecating character in the Catalan Christmas tradition. Oh no...not by a long shot.

Let me introduce you to the "poop log." I am NOT making this up!



Apparently, there's a Christmas tradition built around the Tió de Nadal (roughly "Christmas Log"). For the explanation, let me turn the mic over to Wikipedia,

Beginning with the Feast of the Immaculate Conception (December 8), one gives the tió a little bit to "eat" every night and usually covers him with a little blanket so that he will not be cold at night.

On Christmas day or, depending on the particular household, on Christmas Eve, one puts the tió partly into the fireplace and orders it to "poop". To make him "poop", one beats him with sticks, while singing various songs of Tió de Nadal.

The tió does not drop larger objects, as those are brought by the Three Wise Men [duh!]. It does leave candies, nuts and dried figs. When nothing is left to "poop", it drops a salt herring, a head of garlic, an onion or "urinates". What comes out of the tió is a communal rather than individual gift, shared by everyone present.

"Hey, kids! Who wants some candies, nuts or dried figs the log just pooped out? Make sure to share! It's Christmas! Now, let's sing the poop song!"

If you don't poop well, I'll hit you with a stick! Poop log!
Log of Christmas, don't poop herrings, which are much too salty!

I wish I could lay claim to those lyrics, but they are traditional.

Leave it to the Catalan people to fill Christmas with so much poop talk. After all, their folklore is filled with it. There is a popular Catalan phrase, said before eating:

menja bé, caga fort i no tinguis por a la mort!

It translates to: Eat well, poop strong, and don't be afraid of death!

Truly words to live by.

Hopefully, for the holidays, I'll have my brown "PoopStrong" wristbands available through this site! Stay tuned!

Me & My Sinuses Get Along Great!

THIRTEEN THINGS I Would Rather Have Endured Than the Illness I Had This Last Week.

1. A lingering open-mouthed kiss from Rip Torn after he smoked a pack of Camel unfilters with a whiskey & coffee chaser
2. A weekend-long Full House marathon
3. Watching a naked Donald Trump admire himself in a triple-mirror for the better part of an hour
4. Having a mouth full of hot sand
5. Going back to college for an 18-credit semester of all 8 a.m. classes
6. Being punched in the face by a professional football player
7. Watching someone else read the entire Sunday New York Times
8. Eating an entire cardboard box
9. Talking about my feelings with my father
10. A Phish concert with special guests Rusted Root and Blues Traveler
11. Wearing a wet alpaca sweater in Phoenix in June
12. Stuffing 200 cotton balls into my sinus cavity
13. A full-body waxing administered by angry exes

Memories of The Juice

I POSTED THESE HERE BEFORE, but with today's sentencing of O.J. Simpson, I felt a little pang of nostalgia to the good ol' days when O.J. was simply known as the guy who got away with killing his wife and her boyfriend, and before he became known as the guy who masterminded an armed assault to get back some football paraphernalia in Vegas. 

Oh, those were simpler times. Times during which I was working on a daytime talk show and me and the three other writers on the show (including the wife) came up with the following O.J.-related gems, which the fine people at McSweeney's decided to publish.

Those days are gone now, as The Juice is facing somewhere between 8 and 33 years, depending upon which reputable newspaper you believe, for kidnapping and armed robbery. Oh, innocent (or at least acquitted) times, where have you gone?

Please enjoy.

What Is Ryan Seacrest?

I FOUND THIS LITTLE GEM ON THE ACCESS HOLLYWOOD SITE.


It's just another example of the non-confusing nature of the Interwebs. Like this clickable ad that keeps showing up on the Facebooks.



Which seems to imply that if I'm a fan of the British band Muse I will also then have some sort of knowledge about Bob Dylan. "Do you like cheese? Then take this fun quiz and test your knowledge about dental hygiene now!"

Happy Thanksgiving!

PLEASE ENJOY THIS DELICIOUS TREAT!

It may not be as popular as the "you got your peanut butter in my chocolate, you got your chocolate in my peanut butter" deliciousness of the Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, but it is a close second. Also, it goes great with Turducken.

Marriage Protection

THE 99 THINGS I MUST PROTECT MY MARRIAGE AGAINST (That are more of a threat to it than gay marriage.)
1. Fire ants
2. Aphids
3. Termites
4. Bed bugs
5. Fleas & ticks
6. Angry bees
7. Slightly annoyed bees
8. Ordinary bees
9. Brown recluse spiders
10. Spiders (all other, especially the kind on the ceiling)
11. Scorpions
12. Robots
13. The West Nile Virus
14. The Rage Virus
15. Any zombie apocalypse
16. The release of yet another apocalyptic film directed by Roland Emmerich. I mean, 2012? The world gets destroyed again? Seriously?
17. Drunk celebrities
18. The Rapture
19. People who perform “Rapture” by Blondie at karaoke
20. People who are really excited to put a “Yes on 8” sign in their yards
21. People who wish they were “brave enough” to put a “Yes on 8” sign in their yards
22. People who said they were voting No on 8…but voted Yes instead
23. Poor spelling
24. Poor drivers
25. Poorly prepared eggs
26. People who come back from two weeks in Europe with an accent
27. An REO Speedwagon reunion tour
28. Body issues
29. Cannibals
30. Spoiled meat
31. The Orc army from Isengard
32. The Nazgul riders
33. Gollum
34. Any of Sauron’s minions
35. Mike Piazza
36. The metric system
37. Psoriasis
38. High blood pressure
39. Low tire pressure
40. People who say “an” before saying “historic”
41. The hopes of orphaned children
42. The unfulfilled dreams of youth
43. The dark schemes of the rich
44. Floods (flash or otherwise)
45. Lightning
46. Wildfires
47. Tornados
48. Tsunamis
49. Hurricanes
50. Earthquakes
51. Youth quakes
52. Ann Coulter’s acid wit & gigantic mannish hands
53. Errant foul balls
54. Shoes that just don’t fit right
55. The Liberal media
56. The Phillie Phanatic
57. Explosive diarrhea
58. Andy Rooney’s homespun humor
59. Bill O’Reilly’s loofah
60. Hugh Grant
61. Any movie starring Meryl Streep
62. Vegetarian gravy
63. Vegans
64. Hippies
65. Monsters (Cloverfield and otherwise)
66. Mind control
67. The return of Knight Rider
68. The original Knight Rider
69. Non-Euclidean geometry
70. Girls who refuse to go wild
71. Parachute pants
72. Stone-washed or acid-washed anything
73. Ties with keyboards printed on them
74. Members Only jackets that, apparently, anyone can own
75. Dinosaurs (re-animated or regular)
76. Non-adorable lions
77. Hungry, hungry hippos
78. Hungry hippos
79. Sated hippos who are nonetheless ill-tempered
80. Incontinence
81. The inability to go, or the inability to stop going
82. Boners that last more than four hours
83. Anxiety
84. Fear
85. Malaise
86. Lack of confidence (also: Confidence)
87. The 2-3 zone
88. The Box & 1
89. Man-to-man D (obviously)
90. Bad stand-up comedy
91. Poorly upholstered furniture
92. People who still imitate Borat
93. Alien attack
94. Mole people uprising
95. The “comedy” of Carlos Mencia
96. The future
97. The past
98. The possibility that our past is actually our future and that in order to save our future we have to destroy the past.
99. The fact that my mind just got totally blown. Holy shit, I’m so fuckin’ high right now!

Blame It on Prop. 8

I GUESS IF THEY COULDN'T GET MARRIED, THEY COULDN'T STAY TOGETHER.

Peruvian Poncho Party!

SERIOUSLY THOUGH... what the fuck is wrong with this guy?



He's like a three-year-old who finds it impossible not to show how bored or uncomfortable he is in situations that are outside his normal experience. I know that other presidents have had candid photos taken that looked silly, but this is like Photo #4,392 of this fuckin' guy. You can read what he's thinking on his face. It's like, "I hate this poncho. How long do I have to wear this stupid thing? I hope my friends don't see me in this stupid poncho. This stupid poncho is gay."

Look, dude, I know you're in Peru and you have to wear this poncho and it's not really your style and all of that. But, for what it's worth, you're the president. Not for much longer, true. But you are the president.

Sheesh!

A National Epidemic

THIS IS HAPPENING MORE AND MORE.

Unleash Your Inner Polka Star

IT HASN'T BEEN AS POPULAR AS THEY HOPED.

What a Difference a Letter Makes

THANKS TO MY PAL STEVE for giving me the heads up on this beauty. A little police blotter item from the Gaston Gazette from Gaston County, North Carolina.



Oh, news typos! Why do I find you so entertaining? What I love most about this one is the simple displacement of one letter takes the headline from ordinary to hilarious. Just one letter.

It reminds me of when I was managing editor at a weekly newspaper in Kansas City. I had a restaurant reviewer who worked for me who was Asian and he was reviewing a Chinese restaurant. And in the review, he talked about the huge appetizer that he had eaten and how "it was more than enough for our people."

Now, he had simply left off the F of the word "four", just missed the key, I'm sure. But that didn't make it any less funny to me. "Dude," I wanted to say, "these reviews aren't just for your people. They are for everyone. Please try to be more inclusive."

I'll admit. I was tempted to leave it as is, so that it would get printed that way. But at that time I suffered from this condition known as "journalistic integrity."

Thank god we finally found a cure for that!

The First Rule of Real Estate

DO I HAVE REGRETS? Oh sure, I have a few. Near the top of that list is this one.

Not long after I moved to Los Angeles, I worked in the valley, and on my commute to work, I passed this bus stop. For my entire tenure at that job, the ad on the bus stop bench was for this real estate guy who serviced the valley. Like a lot of real estate ads, it was just a picture of the agent, with his name in giant type, a "motto" (if you will) and his phone number. The guy looked a little like the picture here, only his mullet was a little shorter, his smile was a little cheesier and he wore a white tuxedo and was looking right into the camera. He may not have actually worn a white tuxedo in the picture, but in my memory, that is what he was workin'. It said his name (which I do not recall) across the top, and then below it was his motto:

Location, location, location, etc.

I passed it a hundred times and never took a picture of it. I had a camera at that time. I don't know why I never bothered to snap a quick pic. I regret it to this day. Because part of the beauty was the look on the guy's face. Like he was so proud of that motto, that he had improved the old rule of real estate.

As my wife summed it up, "What does it take to get to Carnegie Hall? Practice, practice, practice, etc.!"

Try to Enjoy Your Life Day

THIRTY YEARS AGO TODAY, in a galaxy far, far away, Bea Arthur, Art Carney, Diahann Carroll, Harvey Korman and Jefferson Starship combined forces with the cast of Star Wars to create a magical two-hour television experience called The Star Wars Holiday Special.

Yes, I said, Star Wars, Harvey Korman and Jefferson Starship in the same sentence. And, yes, I said TWO HOURS. Here's a little taste.



Surprisingly, George Lucas has disowned this special. I don't know why he would do that? What could he possibly be ashamed of?

Maybe She Meant to Say "Coloring"?

WHILE I'M SURE THE OBAMA CAMPAIGN WAS HAPPY to have Lindsay Lohan's blog-based support during the campaign, I'm not sure she's helping things right now. During a recent interview on Access Hollywood, Lohan described her experience on Election Day by saying, "It was really exciting. It's an amazing feeling. It's our first colored president."



Yeah...um...wow.

Great Moments in Broadcasting

SO, I'M WATCHING SOME FOOTBALL, like I do on Sundays, and one of the guys calling the Raiders-Panthers game responds to another good Raiders defensive play by saying this:

"Wow! This is an aroused Raiders defense!"

If this is really the case, maybe the guys on the field are watching too much of this:

And not enough of this:


It's just a thought.

Every Picture Tells a Story

THE ELECTION RESULTS ARE STILL COMING IN, but I find it interesting that CNN.com has very quietly communicated John McCain's fading optimism and Obama's rising confidence. As more states have fallen for Obama, they've changed Obama's picture from "hopeful" to "triumphant" (complete with American flag behind) while McCain's picture has gone from "happy and confident" to "I'm mildly amused...not disappointed."

Here's the CNN.com graphic at 6 pm Pacific Time.

And here's the CNN.com graphic just 45 minutes later.

Guess that's what losing Ohio does to a guy.

I'm curious if they have a picture of McCain crying into a towel for later this evening.

Good Work, CNN!

THIS JUST IN! THE NAKED COWBOY predicts a landslide victory for John McCain. Who is the Naked Cowboy, you ask? It's that guy who plays guitar in Times Square wearing only a cowboy hat, underwear and boots. In other words, he's a savvy political pundit with his finger on the pulse of the electorate. And CNN, in their endless quest for substantive news, made sure to interview the Naked Cowboy in Times Square and find out (finally!) what he had to say about this historic election.

"It will be a landslide," the Naked Cowboy said, "McCain." To support his position, he referred to his father in Cincinnati, who is, apparently, wearing seven (count them: SEVEN!) McCain buttons today. That's how enthusiastic his father is for McCain. And that's how enthusiastic the Naked Cowboy is about McCain. Not the the NC is wearing any buttons. (Where would he pin them? Ouch!) But he has plastered his acoustic guitar with McCain/Palin bumper stickers.

Here's his indisputable logic why a landslide victory for McCain is all but assured. "The people that will vote for McCain are people like my father, who are literally at the election booths from 6-10 at night. The people that would vote for Obama might show up. But they're not doing that kind of intensity."

See? Just like everybody else who has been watching this campaign, the Cowboy Sans Culottes has noticed that no one is really that enthusiastic about Obama. Whereas McCain has really energized the electorate in a way no other candidate in recent history has. That's why, according to the Clothing-Optional Cowboy, the numbers are so even between the two candidates. At least according to him. I mean, there aren't really polls that back that up, unless Obama 349, McCain 189 (the current electoral projection) means "even."

But what the fuck do I know about politics? Nothing compared to a guy with his name painted on his ass, right? So, maybe it is an even race right now. Given that's the case, here's the logic behind a McCain landslide. Take it away Nude Guy!

"With the numbers so even, the psychological tendency to go for a sense of security, people will go for McCain."

It sort of makes sense. If you add words to it. And also if you pretend you're retarded.

Well, there's no point in me trashing the guy's political prowess. We'll see who's smarter about politics in a matter of hours.

How To Know If The Fix Is In

I LIVE IN LOS ANGELES, and I have many lefty friends, many who are way more left than me. So for the past eight years, I've heard a lot of -- oh, let's call them -- "election shenanigans" stories. About how Florida was fixed in 2000, about how Ohio was fixed in 2004. And how the wheels are in motion for McCain to steal it this year.

Now, for the most part, I don't believe a lot of these paranoid musings. Not that I don't think the Republicans will do anything (and I do mean anything) to win the White House. I must also confess that I have confidence Obama will win. At various times during this race I have threatened to make a $2,000 bet with my friend Brooke. She fully believes the Republicans will find another way to steal an election this year and I think Obama's a lock because McCain is essentially a terrible choice for president. So I have, on several occasions, bet her $2,000 that Obama would win. She has not taken this bet.

{Editor's note: My wife has, in no uncertain terms, forbidden me from making such silly bets as these. Not that I can afford them in the first place. And rightly so. I mostly made the bet because I knew Brooke wouldn't take it.}

Also, I don't think the election was stolen in 2004. (Regardless of what happened in Ohio.) I just think Kerry was a profoundly terrible choice for president. A man so anti-charismatic as to make Michael Dukakis shine like a newly minted penny in comparison. We all just rallied behind Kerry and thought he was a good candidate because we all hated Bush so much. But in the clear focus of retrospectacles, we can all see how silly it was that we thought that guy could win. How terrible was Kerry? Bush barely beat him. That's how bad he was. He was bad enough to convince people that Bush was a better choice.

So now we've got Obama vs. McCain, and if you consider the past half-dozen elections as popularity contests, with the most popular boy in school winning, you'll understand why I think Obama will win.

Look, America loves pretty people and loves a winner. Obama is more handsome and charismatic than McCain. Also, he seems to be winning. And just like people who have never been to Yankee Stadium wear Yankees apparel because it makes them part of a winning team (or at least it did in the late '90s), people hate to "waste" their vote by voting for a loser. Look at the historical record.

1984 -- Ronald Reagan, a movie star vs. Walter Mondale, a cartoon character. Result: Reagan won by a landslide.
1988 -- George H.W. Bush, a congenial-looking man (with a dark, dark soul) vs. Michael Dukakis, another cartoon character, this one with crazy eyebrows. Result: Bush wins by a landslide.
1992 -- Bill Clinton, a young handsome devil vs. President Bush, the incumbent vs. Ross Perot, an even more hilarious cartoon character. Result: Clinton wins decisively. Perot sinks into hilarious obscurity and/or gigantic piles of money.
1996 -- President Clinton, the incumbent vs. Bob Dole, a charming old war veteran who seemed a little weird. Result: Clinton wins re-election, and still remains generally popular despite getting blown by an intern and lying about it.
2000 -- George W. Bush, an idiot man-child remade as a plain-talkin' regular guy vs. Al Gore, a handsome candidate whose speeches instantly put people to sleep. Result: A very close race (both men were handsome!) but Bush wins.
2004 -- President Bush, the incumbent vs. John Kerry, a boring version of Frankenstein. Result: four more years of sadness.
And now...
2008 -- Barack Obama, a young, handsome African-American man vs. John McCain, a charming old war veteran who seems a little weird. Result: see Bob Dole.

But all that is not to say that Karl Rove and the minions of Sauron cannot pull off an upset. So, remember this number:

If McCain wins by that number, you will know the fix is in.

How did I come by this number? Was it some advanced algorithm? No, of course not. I decided on this number arbitrarily. But there it is anyway. If the election goes to McCain by 51.4%, we will all know we have been robbed. So stay sharp, people. And vote as often as you can.

But for the record, I still believe Obama will win by a landslide. That it will be an early night. That McCain will suffer an embarrassing loss. That's what I believe. That is my prediction. But, as many of you know, my mental powers are a dubious gift at best.

Coffee-Based Politics

FIRST OFF, I'M NO FAN OF JOHN MCCAIN. I feel like about four years ago he totally sold himself out for the promise of a shot at the White House. Also, lately, he seems a little crazy. But one thing I'll give him is that he was a war hero. He fought for the country and endured one of the worst things a soldier can endure: being held prisoner for years. Like his politics or not, he was held captive in a bamboo cage and lived to tell the tale. That takes a little bit of strength of character. And while I don't want him anywhere near the White House, I don't think I need to attack his character to prove that point. His policy choices are weak enough.

That was not the case for the guy I sat next to at Peet's Coffee this morning, who said, emphatically, "John McCain is NOT a war hero." To support this position, he said, "He’s just a pilot who got shot down." As if flying missions during wartime in and of itself took no bravery. This guy knew the deal though, because he had "talked to guys who were on the front line in Iraq" and those guys were of the opinion that pilots weren't that brave because "they don’t think they’re going to get shot down."

Also, his father fought in WWII and was a prisoner of war. And, as this guy passed on, "the Nazis were way worse to prisoners than the Viet Cong."

To which I said to myself, "Um, really?" And then, "Do you really think that's a supportable thesis? Are you sure you don't want to rethink that?"

Spam Forty-Nine: The Case of the Stolen Spam

I’M NOT NAMING NAMES, but you know who you are. Somebody out there stole anywhere between 400 and 600 emails. I know that I was tardy in finishing this week’s Spam Chart, but that was no reason to steal my emails. On Tuesday night, I had over 1200 of them, and then this morning, less than 900. The upshot is I now have 800 fewer emails than last week. Sure, any ordinary person would be pleased with a one-week drop of spam like that. But I’m studying spam for science, people! This is not a joke!

Okay, okay, I’m sorry I yelled. Look, I don’t care who did it. I don’t need a confession. I just want my spam back. And since I’m having some “security issues” with my emails, I’d prefer it if you hand-delivered them. Just leave them on my doorstep and I’ll take care of the rest.

Thank you.

I’m not even sure that’s a crime anymore. There’ve been a lot of changes in the Chart.

SPAM WATCH WEEK FORTY-NINE
867 emails
BMS = 29% (up 6%)

((1/2)) -- 256 Boner Medication (75 Viagra/Cialis, 64 Penis Patch, 11 Erectifix, 7 VPXL, 3 MaxGain, 1 Megadik)
((2/1)) -- 253 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((3/3)) -- 45 Get Out Of Debt/Loan Approval
((4/6)) -- 44 Would You Chat With Me? (I Am Lonely & Probably Naked)
((5/11)) -- 35 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((5/4)) -- 35 Online Casino
((7/5)) -- 31 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Phentermine)
((8/8)) -- 23 Pheromones
((9/7)) -- 22 Human Growth Hormone
((10/15)) -- 21 Validate Your Identity (4 Bank of America, 4 Wachovia, 4 Associated Bank)
((11/11)) -- 20 OEM Software
((12/9)) -- 17 Stop Smoking
((13/10)) -- 16 Foreign Gibberish
((14/15)) -- 12 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((15/13)) -- 8 Improve Your Health
((16/18)) -- 7 Earn Your Degree
((16/14)) -- 7 Job Offer/Employee Search
((18/--)) -- 6 Please Watch This Non-Celebrity Sex Video
((19/16)) -- 4 View Your Suspicious Ecard Online
((20/18)) -- 2 You Won the Cyber Lotto
((21/18)) -- 1 Pain Relief
((21/--)) -- 1 We Have Your Package (Open the Zip File!)
((21/--)) -- 1 Embroideries!

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Wonder Pants

THERE WAS A TIME THAT THIS SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA. I'm sure there was. There must have been, right? That all you needed to do was put on some specialized piece of clothing and -- VOILA! -- the weight would disappear!

That had to be the thinking behind the Wonder Sauna Hot Pants. Why go to a sauna when you can wear one? And be stylish at the same time! Can you think of any better way to reduce your waist, tummy, hips and thighs? If you are one of the "health-watchers of America", whom these pants seem directed at, then there is no better way to "look better -- feel better -- wake up your body!"

Not convinced yet? What if I told you that the Wonder Sauna Hot Pants would help you "slenderize where you want"? (Provided what you wanted to slenderize was your waist, tummy, hips and thighs. Simultaneously.) What if I told you there were easy to inflate? And that they were one size fits all?

Still not convinced? Well, just look at the models. Look how comfortable and sexy they look. Have you ever seen a woman more comfortable in a chair than the model wearing the Wonder Sauna Hot Pants?

I know I haven't.

Do Not Panic, People...

BUT MARTHA STEWART MIGHT WANT TO EAT YOUR CHILDREN.



Babies DO make adorable holiday dishes though. You have to admit.

Another Weird Dream

I HAD A DREAM EARLY THIS MORNING that I was standing in line at a hospital. The hospital in my dream didn't look that much like a real hospital or even a TV hospital. It looked more like an information desk in the middle of a dimly lit mall. I was there with a friend, holding a green chit of paper in my hand and feeling very proud, because I was going to donate my heart to the hospital. I remember being really proud, full of myself really, that other people might be donating kidneys or eyes or whatever, but I was going to donate my heart.

The woman behind the counter wasn't really that impressed. Just another day at the office for her. She just looked at the green chit in my hand, shrugged and stamped it with a big rubber stamp. I looked at what she had stamped on this document that declared to everyone I was donating my heart.

It said, "oven-baked."

Then she gave me a whistle. Like a coach's whistle. It was like the lollipop a pediatrician might give to a kid after a visit.

"Here's your whistle," she said. "You can blow it all you want."

As if that's what I earned for my bravery to donate my heart: a free whistle and the license to blow it all I wanted.

I remember being a little disappointed by that.

Spam Forty-Eight: Hours

IT’S A TUMULTUOUS TIME ON THE CHART! After a 20% increase in overall spam, three categories dropped off the Top Ten and three new categories took their place. Almost every spot on the chart was up for grabs this week. Canadian/Online Pharmacy rocketed into the top spot, out-performing Boner Meds by more than 200 emails. While the Chart’s BMS was 23% this week, the C/OPS (Canadian/Online Pharmacy Saturation) was nearly 37%. Luxury Replica Watches/Purses lost more than 120 emails to drop out of the Top Ten (from #3 to #11) for the first time maybe ever. And Please Watch This Non-Celebrity Sex Video dropped entirely off the Chart.

Yeah. I know. It’s been a wild ride.

But at least the Lord is on our side. At least, that’s my assumption after receiving two identical emails from Mrs. Roesel Kunie.

“I am the above named person from France,” Mrs. Kunie began, explaining that her husband, who had worked with the “France Embassy in America for seven years before he died in the year 2006...after a brief illness that lasted for only two weeks.”

Luckily, Mrs. Kunie and her husband were not only born-again Christians, but they were also totally loaded, to the tune of “24Million Dollars (twenty four Million United State Dollars” which Mr. Kunie had deposited “on the safe deposit box with the bank. Europe.”

Now the sad news: “Recently, my Doctor told me that I would not last for the next four months due to cancer Problem.” Wait…there’s more. “Though what disturbs me most is my stroke sickness.”

Naturally, Mrs. Kunie wants to give me her money. Well, 30% of it -- my calculator tells me that’s $7.2 million United State Dollars! -- provided I do not use that money “in an ungodly manner.”

She continues: “I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord. The lord he will fight my case and I shall hold my peace. I don’t need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health and because of the presence of my husband’s relatives around me always. I don’t want them to know about this development.”

That sounds like a totally Christian thing to do!

Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good Chart at your side, kid.

SPAM WATCH WEEK FORTY-EIGHT
1,679 emails
BMS = 23% (down 8%)

((1/2)) -- 617 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((2/1)) -- 392 Boner Medication (125 Penis Patch, 109 Viagra/Cialis, 31 Erectifix, 25 VPXL, 4 MaxGain, 3 WonderCum, 3 LNH Maxdik, 2 PowerEnlarge)
((3/4)) -- 147 Get Out Of Debt/Loan Approval
((4/10)) -- 93 Online Casino
((5/7)) -- 76 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Phentermine)
((6/6)) -- 51 Would You Chat With Me? (I Am Lonely & Probably Naked)
((7/8)) -- 38 Human Growth Hormone
((8/11)) -- 35 Pheromones
((9/15)) -- 34 Stop Smoking
((10/13)) -- 30 Foreign Gibberish
((11/3)) -- 29 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((11/14)) -- 29 OEM Software
((13/11)) -- 25 Improve Your Health
((14/20)) -- 21 Job Offer/Employee Search
((15/9)) -- 19 Validate Your Identity (6 Bank of America, 6 eBay)
((15/5)) -- 19 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((16/17)) -- 7 View Your Suspicious Ecard Online
((17/17)) -- 5 Some Celebrity Sex Related Link or Zip File (4 Angelina, 1 Britney)
((18/17)) -- 3 Pain Relief
((18/23)) -- 3 Earn Your Degree
((18/25)) -- 3 Bank Scam (2 “Trust In The Lord” Bank Scam)
((18/--)) -- 3 You Won the Cyber Lotto

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Am I Psychic?

ON TUESDAY, I POSTED A CRAZY GRANDPA I found on a banner ad. He looked like this.



And then on Wednesday, America saw another crazy grandpa who looked like this.



From that empirical study of crazy old grandpas, I have deduced that all crazy grandpas make this face. Also, that it's creepy.

Spam Forty-Seven: Boner Clarity

WHEN SENDING EMAILS, EVEN SPAM EMAILS, it pays (if spam actually pays, that is) to use clear language. For instance, when you say, “Make your loved ones burst with joy giving them perfectly crafted designer items!” What you are communicating is that people close to you will actually explode because of presents you give them. Unless you are a psychopath, I’m guessing that’s not what you really want. Just like Boner Meds that promise to endow the user with the ability to “explode her mind with pleasure.”

And what, do you suppose, the following sentence means: “Complete detoxication of your organism.” Does it help to know that it was part of a Boner Meds email? It doesn’t?

This is what I’m talking about.

Similarly, while I’m certain that your “pr0n” is the highest quality, as you promise, I will not be following the link you provided to watch your “all natural drunk babies video.” Do you mean the babies are drunk in an “all natural” way? Do you mean the babies themselves are “all natural”? And if that’s what you mean, what do you mean by that?

No matter what your answers to those questions, I don’t want to see sexy videos of babies, drunk or not.

A Jedi’s strength flows from the Chart.

SPAM WATCH WEEK FORTY-SEVEN
1,397 emails
BMS = 31% (up 2%)

((1/1)) -- 439 Boner Medication (150 VPXL, 79 Viagra/Cialis, 23 MaxGain, 18 Penis Patch, 10 WonderCum, 10 LNH Maxdik, 5 PowerEnlarge, 3 Erectifix)
((2/2)) -- 364 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((3/3)) -- 147 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((4/4)) -- 101 Get Out Of Debt/Loan Approval
((5/5)) -- 50 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((6/6)) -- 47 Would You Chat With Me? (I Am Lonely & Probably Naked)
((7/7)) -- 38 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Phentermine)
((8/10)) -- 27 Human Growth Hormone
((9/8)) -- 26 Validate Your Identity (9 Wachovia, 4 eBay, 3 Wachovia, 3 Chemical Bank)
((10/10)) -- 23 Online Casino
((11/10)) -- 20 Pheromones
((11/16)) -- 20 Improve Your Health
((13/9)) -- 19 Foreign Gibberish
((14/15)) -- 18 OEM Software
((15/10)) -- 14 Stop Smoking
((16/20)) -- 11 Please Watch This Non-Celebrity Sex Video
((17/20)) -- 5 View Your Suspicious Ecard Online
((17/22)) -- 5 Some Celebrity Sex Related Link or Zip File (Jenna Von Oy, Britney, Miley, Kristin Kreuk, Michelle Pfeiffer)
((17/--)) -- 5 Pain Relief
((20/17)) -- 4 The Bill Is Attached (As a Zip File)
((20/18)) -- 4 Job Offer/Employee Search
((20/--)) -- 4 Security Update for OS Microsoft Windows
((23/19)) -- 3 Earn Your Degree
((24/22)) -- 2 Buy Designer Footwear
((25/--)) -- 1 Welsh Bank Scam

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Crazy Grandpa Is Taunting Me Again!

I'M NO EXPERT ON ADVERTISING, even though I occasionally work in that business, but I have to wager that this might be the best marriage of marketing message and image.

First of all, what is being talked about here is life insurance policies. Boring, right? So obviously someone thought, "How can we spice them up? How can we get people, specifically people on the internet, to sit up and take notice?" The answer, obviously, was to put a human face to the product. And what kind of person do people trust the most? Apparently, their research showed that people on the internet trust crazy old men. Like really old. But to make him more "lovable" and "aspirational", someone decided he should make a face. Not a happy smiling face, like an adorable grandpa might make. And not a warm inviting smile either. A crazy face. A face that says, "I'm not sure why you'd trust my opinion, but here it is anyway!"

Of course, nothing says quality life insurance like a mentally deranged grandfather making a face.

Would You Buy a House From This Man?

WELL, WOULD YOU?



You know, if Moist is really your last name, maybe you shouldn't name your business after yourself. It's just too...well...upsetting. Also, don't name your business after you if your last name is Dinosaur.



By the way, those two businesses are next door to one another in Calimesa, California.

Do You Want to Play Air...Um...Air?

IF YOU THINK PLAYING GUITAR HERO IS SAD, because it's not a real instrument and because it's just a dumb toy that anyone, regardless of musical talent, can play...I would like to introduce you to Beamz, the saddest device yet created.

Before you watch the MOST EMBARRASSING VIDEO ON THE PLANET, you should be warned: Watching this video may cause intense sadness and a palpable decrease in your will to live. You cannot watch this video and be unmoved. And unfortunately, the only way this video can move you is toward depression and despair. Now...begin:



Isn't that awesome! You can "jam" with your friends! Or should it be "friendz"? Going to the Beamz website only increases the sadness. The cost of "jamming" alone to generically created song loops is $400, which means that the two douchebagz who were totally rocking out together, shelled out nearly a grand to do so.

But your $400 gets you the Beamz system, the software and a music library of "30 original works in a variety of musical genres including rock, jazz, blues, reggae, country, hip hop, Latin and classical." So you can rock out to such awesome songz as "Noizscape," "Got Beatz," Good Ol' Boy," " Jack-n-the-Beamz" (there are a lot of things spelled with Z's here).

If you want to expand your library of songs, the Beamz website offers 28 other songs at the awesome cost of $1.99 apiece. And let's face it, who wouldn't want to pay two bucks each for generic jamz like "Get'n Chilly," "Boogaloop," "Chronic Tronic," "Funk Doctor," "Phresh" and "Rock Da Haus"? For $2.99, you can add "hit songz" (this time, the Z is all theirs, I did not add it for comic effect). Beamz offers a wide variety (18 songs) including Kanye West's "Good Life", Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl" and "Funkytown" by Lipps, Inc. Sure, five of those 18 songs are "in the style of" jamz, not the actual songz at all. But maybe you're this guy...



Yeah, if you're that guy, is the integrity of the music really gonna matter? Probably not.