I’M NOT NAMING NAMES, but you know who you are. Somebody out there stole anywhere between 400 and 600 emails. I know that I was tardy in finishing this week’s Spam Chart, but that was no reason to steal my emails. On Tuesday night, I had over 1200 of them, and then this morning, less than 900. The upshot is I now have 800 fewer emails than last week. Sure, any ordinary person would be pleased with a one-week drop of spam like that. But I’m studying spam for science, people! This is not a joke!
Okay, okay, I’m sorry I yelled. Look, I don’t care who did it. I don’t need a confession. I just want my spam back. And since I’m having some “security issues” with my emails, I’d prefer it if you hand-delivered them. Just leave them on my doorstep and I’ll take care of the rest.
Thank you.
I’m not even sure that’s a crime anymore. There’ve been a lot of changes in the Chart.
SPAM WATCH WEEK FORTY-NINE
867 emails
BMS = 29% (up 6%)
((1/2)) -- 256 Boner Medication (75 Viagra/Cialis, 64 Penis Patch, 11 Erectifix, 7 VPXL, 3 MaxGain, 1 Megadik)
((2/1)) -- 253 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((3/3)) -- 45 Get Out Of Debt/Loan Approval
((4/6)) -- 44 Would You Chat With Me? (I Am Lonely & Probably Naked)
((5/11)) -- 35 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((5/4)) -- 35 Online Casino
((7/5)) -- 31 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Phentermine)
((8/8)) -- 23 Pheromones
((9/7)) -- 22 Human Growth Hormone
((10/15)) -- 21 Validate Your Identity (4 Bank of America, 4 Wachovia, 4 Associated Bank)
((11/11)) -- 20 OEM Software
((12/9)) -- 17 Stop Smoking
((13/10)) -- 16 Foreign Gibberish
((14/15)) -- 12 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((15/13)) -- 8 Improve Your Health
((16/18)) -- 7 Earn Your Degree
((16/14)) -- 7 Job Offer/Employee Search
((18/--)) -- 6 Please Watch This Non-Celebrity Sex Video
((19/16)) -- 4 View Your Suspicious Ecard Online
((20/18)) -- 2 You Won the Cyber Lotto
((21/18)) -- 1 Pain Relief
((21/--)) -- 1 We Have Your Package (Open the Zip File!)
((21/--)) -- 1 Embroideries!
KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Wonder Pants
THERE WAS A TIME THAT THIS SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA. I'm sure there was. There must have been, right? That all you needed to do was put on some specialized piece of clothing and -- VOILA! -- the weight would disappear!
That had to be the thinking behind the Wonder Sauna Hot Pants. Why go to a sauna when you can wear one? And be stylish at the same time! Can you think of any better way to reduce your waist, tummy, hips and thighs? If you are one of the "health-watchers of America", whom these pants seem directed at, then there is no better way to "look better -- feel better -- wake up your body!"
Not convinced yet? What if I told you that the Wonder Sauna Hot Pants would help you "slenderize where you want"? (Provided what you wanted to slenderize was your waist, tummy, hips and thighs. Simultaneously.) What if I told you there were easy to inflate? And that they were one size fits all?
Still not convinced? Well, just look at the models. Look how comfortable and sexy they look. Have you ever seen a woman more comfortable in a chair than the model wearing the Wonder Sauna Hot Pants?
I know I haven't.
That had to be the thinking behind the Wonder Sauna Hot Pants. Why go to a sauna when you can wear one? And be stylish at the same time! Can you think of any better way to reduce your waist, tummy, hips and thighs? If you are one of the "health-watchers of America", whom these pants seem directed at, then there is no better way to "look better -- feel better -- wake up your body!"Not convinced yet? What if I told you that the Wonder Sauna Hot Pants would help you "slenderize where you want"? (Provided what you wanted to slenderize was your waist, tummy, hips and thighs. Simultaneously.) What if I told you there were easy to inflate? And that they were one size fits all?
Still not convinced? Well, just look at the models. Look how comfortable and sexy they look. Have you ever seen a woman more comfortable in a chair than the model wearing the Wonder Sauna Hot Pants?
I know I haven't.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Do Not Panic, People...
BUT MARTHA STEWART MIGHT WANT TO EAT YOUR CHILDREN.
Babies DO make adorable holiday dishes though. You have to admit.
Babies DO make adorable holiday dishes though. You have to admit.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Another Weird Dream
I HAD A DREAM EARLY THIS MORNING that I was standing in line at a hospital. The hospital in my dream didn't look that much like a real hospital or even a TV hospital. It looked more like an information desk in the middle of a dimly lit mall. 
I was there with a friend, holding a green chit of paper in my hand and feeling very proud, because I was going to donate my heart to the hospital. I remember being really proud, full of myself really, that other people might be donating kidneys or eyes or whatever, but I was going to donate my heart.
The woman behind the counter wasn't really that impressed. Just another day at the office for her. She just looked at the green chit in my hand, shrugged and stamped it with a big rubber stamp. I looked at what she had stamped on this document that declared to everyone I was donating my heart.
It said, "oven-baked."
Then she gave me a whistle. Like a coach's whistle. It was like the lollipop a pediatrician might give to a kid after a visit.
"Here's your whistle," she said. "You can blow it all you want."
As if that's what I earned for my bravery to donate my heart: a free whistle and the license to blow it all I wanted.
I remember being a little disappointed by that.
I was there with a friend, holding a green chit of paper in my hand and feeling very proud, because I was going to donate my heart to the hospital. I remember being really proud, full of myself really, that other people might be donating kidneys or eyes or whatever, but I was going to donate my heart.The woman behind the counter wasn't really that impressed. Just another day at the office for her. She just looked at the green chit in my hand, shrugged and stamped it with a big rubber stamp. I looked at what she had stamped on this document that declared to everyone I was donating my heart.
It said, "oven-baked."
Then she gave me a whistle. Like a coach's whistle. It was like the lollipop a pediatrician might give to a kid after a visit.
"Here's your whistle," she said. "You can blow it all you want."
As if that's what I earned for my bravery to donate my heart: a free whistle and the license to blow it all I wanted.
I remember being a little disappointed by that.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Spam Forty-Eight: Hours
IT’S A TUMULTUOUS TIME ON THE CHART! After a 20% increase in overall spam, three categories dropped off the Top Ten and three new categories took their place. Almost every spot on the chart was up for grabs this week. Canadian/Online Pharmacy rocketed into the top spot, out-performing Boner Meds by more than 200 emails. While the Chart’s BMS was 23% this week, the C/OPS (Canadian/Online Pharmacy Saturation) was nearly 37%. Luxury Replica Watches/Purses lost more than 120 emails to drop out of the Top Ten (from #3 to #11) for the first time maybe ever. And Please Watch This Non-Celebrity Sex Video dropped entirely off the Chart.
Yeah. I know. It’s been a wild ride.
But at least the Lord is on our side. At least, that’s my assumption after receiving two identical emails from Mrs. Roesel Kunie.
“I am the above named person from France,” Mrs. Kunie began, explaining that her husband, who had worked with the “France Embassy in America for seven years before he died in the year 2006...after a brief illness that lasted for only two weeks.”
Luckily, Mrs. Kunie and her husband were not only born-again Christians, but they were also totally loaded, to the tune of “24Million Dollars (twenty four Million United State Dollars” which Mr. Kunie had deposited “on the safe deposit box with the bank. Europe.”
Now the sad news: “Recently, my Doctor told me that I would not last for the next four months due to cancer Problem.” Wait…there’s more. “Though what disturbs me most is my stroke sickness.”
Naturally, Mrs. Kunie wants to give me her money. Well, 30% of it -- my calculator tells me that’s $7.2 million United State Dollars! -- provided I do not use that money “in an ungodly manner.”
She continues: “I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord. The lord he will fight my case and I shall hold my peace. I don’t need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health and because of the presence of my husband’s relatives around me always. I don’t want them to know about this development.”
That sounds like a totally Christian thing to do!
Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good Chart at your side, kid.
SPAM WATCH WEEK FORTY-EIGHT
1,679 emails
BMS = 23% (down 8%)
((1/2)) -- 617 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((2/1)) -- 392 Boner Medication (125 Penis Patch, 109 Viagra/Cialis, 31 Erectifix, 25 VPXL, 4 MaxGain, 3 WonderCum, 3 LNH Maxdik, 2 PowerEnlarge)
((3/4)) -- 147 Get Out Of Debt/Loan Approval
((4/10)) -- 93 Online Casino
((5/7)) -- 76 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Phentermine)
((6/6)) -- 51 Would You Chat With Me? (I Am Lonely & Probably Naked)
((7/8)) -- 38 Human Growth Hormone
((8/11)) -- 35 Pheromones
((9/15)) -- 34 Stop Smoking
((10/13)) -- 30 Foreign Gibberish
((11/3)) -- 29 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((11/14)) -- 29 OEM Software
((13/11)) -- 25 Improve Your Health
((14/20)) -- 21 Job Offer/Employee Search
((15/9)) -- 19 Validate Your Identity (6 Bank of America, 6 eBay)
((15/5)) -- 19 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((16/17)) -- 7 View Your Suspicious Ecard Online
((17/17)) -- 5 Some Celebrity Sex Related Link or Zip File (4 Angelina, 1 Britney)
((18/17)) -- 3 Pain Relief
((18/23)) -- 3 Earn Your Degree
((18/25)) -- 3 Bank Scam (2 “Trust In The Lord” Bank Scam)
((18/--)) -- 3 You Won the Cyber Lotto
KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week
Yeah. I know. It’s been a wild ride.
But at least the Lord is on our side. At least, that’s my assumption after receiving two identical emails from Mrs. Roesel Kunie.
“I am the above named person from France,” Mrs. Kunie began, explaining that her husband, who had worked with the “France Embassy in America for seven years before he died in the year 2006...after a brief illness that lasted for only two weeks.”
Luckily, Mrs. Kunie and her husband were not only born-again Christians, but they were also totally loaded, to the tune of “24Million Dollars (twenty four Million United State Dollars” which Mr. Kunie had deposited “on the safe deposit box with the bank. Europe.”
Now the sad news: “Recently, my Doctor told me that I would not last for the next four months due to cancer Problem.” Wait…there’s more. “Though what disturbs me most is my stroke sickness.”
Naturally, Mrs. Kunie wants to give me her money. Well, 30% of it -- my calculator tells me that’s $7.2 million United State Dollars! -- provided I do not use that money “in an ungodly manner.”
She continues: “I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord. The lord he will fight my case and I shall hold my peace. I don’t need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health and because of the presence of my husband’s relatives around me always. I don’t want them to know about this development.”
That sounds like a totally Christian thing to do!
Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good Chart at your side, kid.
SPAM WATCH WEEK FORTY-EIGHT
1,679 emails
BMS = 23% (down 8%)
((1/2)) -- 617 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((2/1)) -- 392 Boner Medication (125 Penis Patch, 109 Viagra/Cialis, 31 Erectifix, 25 VPXL, 4 MaxGain, 3 WonderCum, 3 LNH Maxdik, 2 PowerEnlarge)
((3/4)) -- 147 Get Out Of Debt/Loan Approval
((4/10)) -- 93 Online Casino
((5/7)) -- 76 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Phentermine)
((6/6)) -- 51 Would You Chat With Me? (I Am Lonely & Probably Naked)
((7/8)) -- 38 Human Growth Hormone
((8/11)) -- 35 Pheromones
((9/15)) -- 34 Stop Smoking
((10/13)) -- 30 Foreign Gibberish
((11/3)) -- 29 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((11/14)) -- 29 OEM Software
((13/11)) -- 25 Improve Your Health
((14/20)) -- 21 Job Offer/Employee Search
((15/9)) -- 19 Validate Your Identity (6 Bank of America, 6 eBay)
((15/5)) -- 19 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((16/17)) -- 7 View Your Suspicious Ecard Online
((17/17)) -- 5 Some Celebrity Sex Related Link or Zip File (4 Angelina, 1 Britney)
((18/17)) -- 3 Pain Relief
((18/23)) -- 3 Earn Your Degree
((18/25)) -- 3 Bank Scam (2 “Trust In The Lord” Bank Scam)
((18/--)) -- 3 You Won the Cyber Lotto
KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week
Friday, October 17, 2008
Am I Psychic?
ON TUESDAY, I POSTED A CRAZY GRANDPA I found on a banner ad. He looked like this.
And then on Wednesday, America saw another crazy grandpa who looked like this.
From that empirical study of crazy old grandpas, I have deduced that all crazy grandpas make this face. Also, that it's creepy.
And then on Wednesday, America saw another crazy grandpa who looked like this.
From that empirical study of crazy old grandpas, I have deduced that all crazy grandpas make this face. Also, that it's creepy.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Spam Forty-Seven: Boner Clarity
WHEN SENDING EMAILS, EVEN SPAM EMAILS, it pays (if spam actually pays, that is) to use clear language. For instance, when you say, “Make your loved ones burst with joy giving them perfectly crafted designer items!” What you are communicating is that people close to you will actually explode because of presents you give them. Unless you are a psychopath, I’m guessing that’s not what you really want. Just like Boner Meds that promise to endow the user with the ability to “explode her mind with pleasure.”
And what, do you suppose, the following sentence means: “Complete detoxication of your organism.” Does it help to know that it was part of a Boner Meds email? It doesn’t?
This is what I’m talking about.
Similarly, while I’m certain that your “pr0n” is the highest quality, as you promise, I will not be following the link you provided to watch your “all natural drunk babies video.” Do you mean the babies are drunk in an “all natural” way? Do you mean the babies themselves are “all natural”? And if that’s what you mean, what do you mean by that?
No matter what your answers to those questions, I don’t want to see sexy videos of babies, drunk or not.
A Jedi’s strength flows from the Chart.
SPAM WATCH WEEK FORTY-SEVEN
1,397 emails
BMS = 31% (up 2%)
((1/1)) -- 439 Boner Medication (150 VPXL, 79 Viagra/Cialis, 23 MaxGain, 18 Penis Patch, 10 WonderCum, 10 LNH Maxdik, 5 PowerEnlarge, 3 Erectifix)
((2/2)) -- 364 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((3/3)) -- 147 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((4/4)) -- 101 Get Out Of Debt/Loan Approval
((5/5)) -- 50 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((6/6)) -- 47 Would You Chat With Me? (I Am Lonely & Probably Naked)
((7/7)) -- 38 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Phentermine)
((8/10)) -- 27 Human Growth Hormone
((9/8)) -- 26 Validate Your Identity (9 Wachovia, 4 eBay, 3 Wachovia, 3 Chemical Bank)
((10/10)) -- 23 Online Casino
((11/10)) -- 20 Pheromones
((11/16)) -- 20 Improve Your Health
((13/9)) -- 19 Foreign Gibberish
((14/15)) -- 18 OEM Software
((15/10)) -- 14 Stop Smoking
((16/20)) -- 11 Please Watch This Non-Celebrity Sex Video
((17/20)) -- 5 View Your Suspicious Ecard Online
((17/22)) -- 5 Some Celebrity Sex Related Link or Zip File (Jenna Von Oy, Britney, Miley, Kristin Kreuk, Michelle Pfeiffer)
((17/--)) -- 5 Pain Relief
((20/17)) -- 4 The Bill Is Attached (As a Zip File)
((20/18)) -- 4 Job Offer/Employee Search
((20/--)) -- 4 Security Update for OS Microsoft Windows
((23/19)) -- 3 Earn Your Degree
((24/22)) -- 2 Buy Designer Footwear
((25/--)) -- 1 Welsh Bank Scam
KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week
And what, do you suppose, the following sentence means: “Complete detoxication of your organism.” Does it help to know that it was part of a Boner Meds email? It doesn’t?
This is what I’m talking about.
Similarly, while I’m certain that your “pr0n” is the highest quality, as you promise, I will not be following the link you provided to watch your “all natural drunk babies video.” Do you mean the babies are drunk in an “all natural” way? Do you mean the babies themselves are “all natural”? And if that’s what you mean, what do you mean by that?
No matter what your answers to those questions, I don’t want to see sexy videos of babies, drunk or not.
A Jedi’s strength flows from the Chart.
SPAM WATCH WEEK FORTY-SEVEN
1,397 emails
BMS = 31% (up 2%)
((1/1)) -- 439 Boner Medication (150 VPXL, 79 Viagra/Cialis, 23 MaxGain, 18 Penis Patch, 10 WonderCum, 10 LNH Maxdik, 5 PowerEnlarge, 3 Erectifix)
((2/2)) -- 364 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((3/3)) -- 147 Luxury Replica Watches/Purses
((4/4)) -- 101 Get Out Of Debt/Loan Approval
((5/5)) -- 50 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((6/6)) -- 47 Would You Chat With Me? (I Am Lonely & Probably Naked)
((7/7)) -- 38 Weight Loss (Anatrim/Phentermine)
((8/10)) -- 27 Human Growth Hormone
((9/8)) -- 26 Validate Your Identity (9 Wachovia, 4 eBay, 3 Wachovia, 3 Chemical Bank)
((10/10)) -- 23 Online Casino
((11/10)) -- 20 Pheromones
((11/16)) -- 20 Improve Your Health
((13/9)) -- 19 Foreign Gibberish
((14/15)) -- 18 OEM Software
((15/10)) -- 14 Stop Smoking
((16/20)) -- 11 Please Watch This Non-Celebrity Sex Video
((17/20)) -- 5 View Your Suspicious Ecard Online
((17/22)) -- 5 Some Celebrity Sex Related Link or Zip File (Jenna Von Oy, Britney, Miley, Kristin Kreuk, Michelle Pfeiffer)
((17/--)) -- 5 Pain Relief
((20/17)) -- 4 The Bill Is Attached (As a Zip File)
((20/18)) -- 4 Job Offer/Employee Search
((20/--)) -- 4 Security Update for OS Microsoft Windows
((23/19)) -- 3 Earn Your Degree
((24/22)) -- 2 Buy Designer Footwear
((25/--)) -- 1 Welsh Bank Scam
KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week
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