Nimoy-Tolkien Friday

REGULAR FOLLOWERS OF THIS BLOG KNOW that every Friday, I try to post something that is related to either the career of Leonard Nimoy or the writings of J.R.R. Tolkien. It's just a tradition here at the DrakesCakes.

Well, this Friday is particularly special, because I finally get to marry the two. So, kick off your weekend right with Leonard Nimoy's hit song, "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins."

A Kentucky Surprise!

WHAT CRITERIA DO I USE TO DECIDE what goes on this blog and what does not? Well, it may surprise you to discover that I actually choose NOT to put some things on here.

It's true.

But this ad just begged for inclusion.



Even if it wasn't for a shooting range. Even if it just had the sexy preggo lady in her underwear and veil. Even then, I think I would have put it up. (Just so I have a companion piece for this post.) But as it is, it's really the perfect storm of awesomeness. It's from Kentucky. It's from an apparently popular bachelor/ette party destination. And it tries to have fun with the concept of "shotgun weddings" by basically saying you can really include a shotgun in your wedding! Or at least in your bachelor/ette party!

Oh fun!

Here's another soothing image from the Open Range web site.



Fuck yeah! You're right! I am about to throw the party of the year! It's a murder party! Oh shit yeah! Please make sure you RSVP, I put a deposit on the room. And those people are real dicks about refunds.

Thank you.

Mustache Rides!

DO YOU THINK YOU INVENTED THE COOLEST THING EVER? Well, you didn't. Because you didn't invent this.



Nice try, but you only get the silver medal in awesomeness.

(from here)

It's Telly Wednesday!

IT'S WEDNESDAY, AND THAT MEANS IT'S TIME for Telly Savalas to serenade you.

Trust me. You're not ready for this.

Please Stop Terrorism

BY BUYING THIS GUITAR, you will not only combat terrorism...you will defeat it. With rock. And balls. And tasty riffage. But mostly balls.



It is on eBay. It is called the "9/11 Tribute Guitar." And I don't care what you say, there is nothing tasteless about it.

Thanks to Eric for the heads up.

UPDATE! The inscription on the guitar does not read "Unite to Defeat Terrorism." Instead it says "Unite to DEFAT Terrorism." Genius!

Donuts!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY ABOUT THIS. I mean, seriously. Where do you start?

As If You Needed a Reason to Put Snails on Your Face

WHAT'S SHOCKING ABOUT THIS STORY isn't that a kid tried to put a bunch of snails on his face. I mean, he's an 11-year-old boy. Of course he's gonna put a bunch of snails on his face. Why not?



No, the shocking thing is that there was actually already a world record for number of snails on the face. Who knew there was a record out there to break. As far as I knew, the current world record for snails on the face was zero. Or maybe one. Nope, the previous record was 36.

I mean, the first guy to put snails on his face had it easy. "There! I've got a snail on my face! Put me in the Guinness book!" But now? Wow, it's gonna take a big face to break that record.

File Under: Classy!

WHEN NEXT YOU REMODEL YOUR HOME, please keep Jammin' Johns in mind. Their guitar and piano shaped toilet seats are truly "Music to your Rear."



If the site is correct, Steven Spielberg, Willie Nelson and Dolly Parton all have these. Trust me, you haven't lived until you have either pooped in or through a grand piano.

How Would You Like Your Change Delivered?

THERE ARE MANY POETIC WAYS TO DESCRIBE CHANGE. Being carried in on the wings of eagles. Cried from the eyes of a thousand unicorns. Pooped into the diaper of a child called America.

Sure, we've seen those images used again and again. But no one knows quality imagery quite like the Republican party, who continue to cling to teabagging as a form of justice and a catalyst of change.



Yes! It is a wonderful thing! Lady Liberty knows a good teabagging when she receives one!

The Age-Old Question

I FOUND THIS ON THE FRONT PAGE of the international edition of The New York Times not too long ago.



Wow, the outlook must be grim for Liverpool if they're trying to invoke a deus ex machina scheme like building a dinosaur. Maybe you guys should just stick to soccer? Branching out into science seems like an ill-advised sports strategy.

Also, it's probably against the rules to unleash a dinosaur on your opponents. (I know for a fact that you cannot do that in baseball or hockey.) And, of course, don't forget that once you do that, there's no guarantee that your dinosaur will only work for your benefit. Chances are some of your players will be eaten by this dinosaur.

I guess what I'm saying, Liverpool, is this: think this through before you make a rash decision.

Oh No! CalBird Are Breaking Up!

SHOCKING NEWS IN THE SPORTS WORLD! Jockey Calvin Borel announced that, for the Preakness, he will not be riding Mine That Bird, the 50-1 shot that he rode to victory in the Kentucky Derby. Here's hoping Borel is planning to just run the race himself. I for one believe it is well past time that someone in that tired old sport broke the species barrier. To think that only a pony can win those contests is literally racist.

When Did You Say?

ADVERTISERS ARE ALWAYS CREATING PROBLEMS SO THEY CAN SOLVE THEM. In the case of the following product, the advertisers in question have created a question that has never been asked, just so they can answer it with their product. The question:

When would I use something called "My Inside Cleaner"?



The answer, which seems so obvious in retrospect, is: when stinks. Of course! It's all so clear to me now!

Thank you, Engrish.com. Thank you, very much.

This Just In!

PFIZER JUST ANNOUNCED that it will give away Viagra for up to a year to people who have lost jobs since Jan. 1 and have been taking the drug for three months or more. Said a Pfizer spokesman, "Just because you're hard-up for a job doesn't mean you can't be hard."

Hey-oh!

Me + Amazon = Not BFF

DEAR AMAZON.COM, YOU ARE MISTAKEN. My love of Seinfeld does not mean I also love Designing Women.



Yes, I have bought a TV show on DVD before. But this does not mean that I will then buy any TV show on DVD. I am not just a fan of TV in DVD form. It actually matters to me what kind of TV show might be contained on the DVD. I know this is a surprise to you. As you seem to think that since I have bought a book before, I would maybe like to buy another book. You know, just any old book.

So, try again Amazon. I'm sure when Two & a Half Men comes out on DVD you'll send me another email. Spoiler Alert: I don't want it.

What Ya Gonna Do With All That Junk?

YEAH, WELL...THIS ISN'T COMFORTING.



So if you were trying to help me sleep better at night NASA, you failed.

File Under: The Truth!

I MUST DEBUNK THIS URBAN LEGEND!

If you stare in a mirror in a darkened room and say "Trapper Keeper" thirteen times in quick succession, you will NOT actually make a Trapper Keeper appear.

Sorry.

Koo Koo Ka Choo!

FOR THE FIRST 23 SECONDS OF THIS VIDEO, you might think, So what. Big deal. So it's the video for Gerry Rafferty's AM radio hit "Baker Street." What's so great about that? And then the 24th second hits, and you're like, Holy shit! My life just changed! And even though it's a simple gag, it's still funny every time it happens in the video.


Who knew the walrus was Gerry?

It's All About Priorities

I CAME ACROSS THIS LITTLE NUGGET on the sports site Deadspin this morning. Seems like there's a stripper from Baltimore who is claiming she and a fellow stripper had a threesome with Olympic champion.



I guess swimming isn't the only thing he's a gold-medalist at! Hey-oh!

Anyway, the most entertaining tidbit of the story to me wasn't that Phelps brought home strippers from a strip club, it was this claim by the woman in question:

"...he invited her and a few friends back to his house for drinks and online poker."

Not, "come back to my place for drinks and a game of poker," but "come back to my place to watch me play poker on my computer."

Interesting.

Well, I guess there's another pickup line that only works if you have won 16 gold medals.

Put a Song in Your Step!

I'M CURRENTLY LOOKING FOR INVESTORS for my newest invention. I call them BirdSocks!

No no no, they aren't socks for birds. That would be stupid. They are socks made from birds.

Here is a picture of my wearing the prototype:



Feel free to leave your money in the comments section.

Thank you.

Happiness is a Warm Gun

ARE YOU FEELING A DEEP EMPTINESS IN YOUR SOUL? Is there an itch in your psyche that you cannot scratch? If you are like most of us, you probably said yes to both of these questions. The answer, of course, is to buy something.

"But what?" you might shout at your computer screen. "What can I buy, Jeff? These InterWebs are filled with things to buy! Should I buy porn? Shoes? Dietary fiber? A Teddy Ruxpin? The Criterion Collection release of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button?"

The answers would normally be, respectively "of course", "why not", "yes", "maybe" and "are you fucking kidding me?" But in this case, the overall answer is "NO."

If you really examined that emptiness you feel inside, I think you would find it was gun-shaped. It might, in fact, be shaped exactly like this gun:



Yes. What you are missing is the Condiment Gun. I'm sorry to inform you that you cannot buy this if you are in the United States (where non-condiment or "bullet" guns are readily available) but you can buy it if you're in the UK (where real guns are restricted). Isn't that a weird quirk? Hmmm.

Anyway, try to get one if you can just so you can re-enact this scene with your friends!



Because there's nothing gay about that.

Nothing at all.

UPDATE: I forgot to mention the most puzzling part of the description of the Condiment Gun, which is this phrase: "Bang Bang, you're red (or BROWN or yellow)." Brown? I can only hope that's gravy coming out of the gun. Oh dear lord, please tell me it's gravy!!!

Now in 3-D!!

YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW WHO THIS MAN IS. You only need to know that his eyebrows cannot be stopped.