You're Bearly in the Black!

JUST SAW THIS CURIOUS AD while on The Futon Critic. Which really helped me understand my credit score.

But what I don't understand is why all of the bears are smiling. Even the Poor Credit Bear is smiling in that "what's up?" sort of way. He's green, the color of "go", the color of money, and for some reason that's bad. Okay, whatever. But why the smile, dude? Isn't it bad enough that my credit is total suck-town? What the fuck does that guy know that I don't?

Also, why's his smile exactly the same as the Good Credit Bear and the Fair Credit Bear? Shouldn't the various bears' expressions tell me something about my credit? Or are they all just smiling because they've had unfettered access to my personal information and now they've totally got me by the balls. Maybe they're also drunk. The more I look at those guys, the less I trust them. And the more I think they're probably high, not drunk. They do look a little like the Grateful Dead bears. Oh yeah, they're fuckin' high, man. Probably trippin' too.

A final question: Why is red the color of Excellent Credit? Red, the color of warning -- as in "a red flag", "code red" or "my spending is out of control; I'm always in the red." So, red is excellent now? I'm not sure that makes much sense. I guess it shouldn't surprise me though. Of course a bunch of stoned bears think red is a good color, they're stoned!

Save Our Kids!

YOUR KIDS MAY BE IN DANGER, and you don't even know it. According to a headline I found on CNN.com just yesterday, there's a new threat to the youth of our nation, a potentially debilitating malady called "Mira Sorvino."


I think it's Latin for "silent sight" or something like that, which sounds possibly painful and, at the very least, inconvenient. Now, I don't really know what that means, or even how this disease works, but I agree with CNN. We should totally help kids affected by Mira Sorvino. Because if they are left untreated, these kids will grow up to become Adults With Mira Sorvino.

And at that point, it may be too late to do anything for them. Or for us.

We Don't Need No Water...

NOTHING MAKES A TRAGEDY SEEM MORE REAL than finding out how it affects celebrities. This is especially the case currently with the wildfires in Southern California. Just look at today's news on IMDB.com, where the top three headlines are wildfire-related. Finally, a famous face has been put on this tragedy. Now, I can properly process this information.

Before it was like, "A bunch of houses burned down." But now it's like, "Holy shit! Tori Spelling's B&B is in danger! How can I help avert this tragedy? Or should I assist the fire, knowing that it will only make for awesome future episodes of Tori & Dean: Inn Love? That is a real dilemma."

In other wildfire/celebrity news, there's this tidbit of Movie Marketing Irony. Billboards for this film are all over fire-devastated Southern California right now.

Yeah, that's a little awkward. Just a little.

But even more awkward than that is this: You just know that there's some creepy exec from that studio who is wracking his brain for a way to turn the wildfires into a "cross-platform marketing opportunity". "It's a slam-dunk, people!" he's saying in a boardroom right now. "Nothing exploitative, of course. But it seems like a natural opportunity for synergy. So keep it classy and tasteful. I want five ideas from each of you on my desk by lunchtime. Now, if you'll excuse me, it's time for my assistant to give me a handjob."

That's Why The Lady Is A Douche!

TONIGHT WAS MEATBALL NIGHT! And when me and the missus get the hankerin' for meatballs, we go to Maggiano's. Sure, it's not the greatest Italian restaurant in the world, or even in Los Angeles. It's probably only a couple of steps or so up from Olive Garden. But that's okay by us, because of the meatballs. Those meatballs are some good shit, people. So we make the call to pick it up and bring it home, coz tonight...we don't like other people so much. Not so much.

My wife drives to the Magg, which leaves me to hop out and grab the snacks. It's a plan totally worthy of an Ocean's Eleven or similar movie. If not the whole movie, at least the most exciting scene. As none of the designated "to go" parking spots were available (they never are, as they're taken, I'm sure, by the late-arriving waitstaff), my wife pulls up behind the parked cars and puts on the hazard lights. It's a classic move.

Even more classic, however, is the move made by the owner of the big black Mercedes sedan. Its hazards are on as well...but it's parked in the handicapped spot.

Classy move, I think as I go in to the to go portion of the restaurant. (Maggiano's has a separate room for to go orders. It's a tiny room with just a counter and a register. If more than two people are waiting, the third and fourth person would have to wait outside. That's how tiny the room is.) So, I know that the woman at the counter is the owner of the Mercedes in the handicapped spot. She's just getting her food as I walk in. I notice all the bling on the one hand she's using to gesture. Lots of gold. Some diamonds. She's gesturing to help her make her point.

"Can I get some marinara sauce? A side of marinara sauce?"

She accents this with pointing at the woman behind the counter and then pointing into the bag of food. And then back at the woman, then back into the bag. You know, to help the woman behind the counter, the Hispanic-looking woman who speaks perfect English, understand the complex message she's communicating. The one about sauce. And how the sauce isn't in the bag. And can some sauce be put into the bag? The woman behind the counter is a little confused. Not, as it turns out, because she doesn't speak English (as the non-handicapped woman ahead of me is assuming), but because the order in the bags doesn't come with marinara sauce.

"I'm sorry," the woman behind the counter says.

"A side of marinara," the faux-crippled lady says, a bit annoyed. "Could I get a side of marinara?"

The woman behind the counter still doesn't understand. Because of the stuffed mushrooms in the bag. That's what the annoying lady ordered. The mushrooms don't come with marinara. Not normally. But, then again, people who aren't handicapped don't park in handicapped spots. Not normally anyway.

"You know, marinara?" she says again. "The red sauce? Marinara."

She never gets really pissy. She doesn't really raise her voice or anything. She just, you know, over-explains what marinara sauce is. To a woman who works at an Italian restaurant. Like the woman behind the counter has never heard of marinara sauce. One of the three sauces available on the menu. And let's face it, who would order something as bizarre as marinara sauce? At an Italian restaurant?

When you think about it, it really is quite bizarre right?

They should probably fire that stupid woman behind the counter. That's the point of my story, I think.

Isn't it?

Is A Vote Really Necessary Now?

STOP YOUR PUNDITRY, PEOPLE! The Republican nominee for president has already been chosen. Total Gym huckster and Ass-Kicker Extraordinaire Chuck Norris has chimed in (finally!) with his endorsement of...

...drum roll please...

Ex-Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee! So far, the Huckabee camp has not responded to this certainly influential nod from Walker, Texas Ranger. You can rest assured that a press release regarding this news is imminent. Norris made his announcement last night on the World Net Daily website with an extensive piece articulating the pros and lack of cons about Huckabee in '08.

"Like most of you, over the summer and into the fall," Norris says, "I've been watching, listening, studying and praying about who could lead this country as our next president. I won't leave you in suspense."

Ever the man of his word, Chuck drops his truth bomb on America's think-domes: "Though Giuliani might be savvy enough to lead people, Fred Thompson wise enough to wade through the tides of politics, McCain tough enough to fight terrorism and Romney business-minded enough to grow our economy, I believe the only one who has all of the characteristics to lead America forward into the future is ex-Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee."

Norris cites Huckabee's strength of character, his self-made upbringing, his compassion, his membership in the NRA and, of course, his religiosity (my word, not his). "Mike is also a respected and fearless leader, and he does not cower to the cries of any majority or minority. He doesn't abandon his values for what's expedient. Like our Founding Fathers, he's not afraid to stand up for a Creator and against secularist beliefs."

Don't worry if that's not exactly how you remember the Founding Fathers. Because if you remember it differently, you are simply mistaken. Also, you will be corrected by a severe ass-kicking by Chuck Norris himself.

Now, to bring it all home, here's an awesome Walker Texas Ranger clip, courtesy of Conan O'Brien.

Come For The Playing, Stay For The Dancing!

SOME CHILDHOOD MEMORIES ARE, for me, more precious than others. Not to get all sentimental and "remember the good ol' days" about the past or anything, but I do miss simpler times. Occasionally, I pine for the days of three TV networks, not because TV was better back then, but because it was weirder. Anyone, and I mean anyone could have a summer comedy-variety show. They gave one to Captain & Tennille and to Shields & Yarnell. Also, during this era, beauty pageants still had a talent portion.

Which brings me to this bit of magnificence from the late '70s. It's a local beauty pageant perhaps from the Kansas City area (my home town!); it involves the Star Wars theme; and it involves trumpet playing AND dancing. In my opinion, that really is the magical trifecta! But wait, there's a bonus! The trumpet is horribly out of tune!

It's like coming downstairs and finding a huge present from Santa...only it's not even Christmas! Do yourself a favor and watch the whole thing. Not that she gets better as she goes along, but that she just keeps going. With more trumpeting and more dancing. It's...it's...magnificent!

Robots Will Destroy Us!

OR AT THE VERY LEAST, Japanese dancers doing the robot.

The Funny Ladies of Funny-ness

I AM SICK AND TIRED of people telling me there are no great comedic actresses any more. To those people, I can only say, "Have you been to a movie lately? Have you even seen a preview lately?" I would posit that we are, in fact, in The Golden Age of Female Comedy.

Disagree with me? What about Jessica Alba, huh? Explain that, genius! In Good Luck Chuck, Jessica falls into a pond AND runs into a light pole! Funny! Also, she knocks a table over spilling stuff onto Dane Cook’s lap! I’m talking, like, ice water…on his man parts! Can you imagine the shrinkage? How funny is that shit!? For further proof, I have posted a hilarious picture of Jessica Alba.

Also, there’s that blonde lady in the new Ben Stiller film The Heartbreak Kid. At first, I was skeptical. I’m no idiot. I don’t just naturally assume an actress is hilarious JUST because she’s hot. So when I saw the first trailers for the film, I wasn’t certain this blonde lady would fall over or knock something breakable off a table. It was like the filmmakers were teasing me. “How could this be a comedy,” I wondered, “if she doesn’t stumble around?” My fears, it turns out, were ill-founded. In later trailers, the new blonde lady falls. Oh boy does she! She falls off a CLIFF! Taller = farther distance = bigger laughs! I don’t even know the lady’s name, but I’m already convinced that she is a comedic genius.

And let's not forget Kate Hudson in How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days! She’s got comedy pedigree. Her mom is Goldie Hawn (Laugh-In, Foul Play, Private Benjamin) and her dad is Bill Hudson (The Hudson Brothers Razzle Dazzle Show). And how did she turn that genetic goldmine into comedy? By falling down and knocking stuff over. A lot! Have you seen that movie? Every ten minutes or so Kate Hudson is tripping or stumbling or knocking something over. In short, she is reminding us how funny she is. And don’t even get me started on the awkward dancing.

Awkward dancing is the other way to tell if you’re in the company of a great comedienne. Think of Cameron Diaz in Charlie’s Angels! She dances awkwardly AND she’s clumsy.

But I’m leaving out the most important tool on the comedic actress’s tool belt: being smokin’ hot AND nearly naked! Because there’s nothing funnier than a hot chick in her underwear. Like the aforementioned awkward dancing in Charlie's Angels. Or that moment in Good Luck Chuck where Jessica Alba gets her skirt torn off accidentally, exposing her cute underwear. Man! I mean, if that’s not comedy, maybe I don’t know what comedy is.

So, please, spare me the belly-aching, lady actors! If you're complaining that there are no great comedic actresses out there, maybe you're just jealous. Also, maybe you're just not hot enough to be funny. Did you ever think of that?

I didn't think so.