Does Almost None of the Things a Spider Can

I'VE GOT A BAD FEELING about this new Spider-Man reboot.

Ugly Babies Need Not Apply

TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT YOUR BABY and be honest with yourself (first and foremost) and then with us.



Because, seriously, if you send us a picture of a baby, and it is NOT a handsome baby, we can't be held responsible for what we might do. I know, I know, the contest is called a "Cute Baby Contest," but let's be realistic. Cute just doesn't cut it anymore. Tina Yothers was a cute baby and look how that worked out for her.

Right. Not good is what I'm saying.

So please, and I cannot emphasize this at all, HANDSOME BABIES ONLY. Is your baby George Clooney...only a baby? Perfect! Send us the picture! Do people call your baby McDreamy or McSteamy? Or did you just name your baby McSteamy in hopes that we would be fooled. If the former, great! You're exactly what we're looking for. If the latter, get a grip! Stop kidding yourself and stop lying to your baby. There's nothing sadder than an unattractive baby that thinks it's sexy just because his/her parents told it so. Nothing is sadder than that. Not even Haiti.

Also, do not waste our time. This is a national contest. The prize is $2,500! What I'm saying is, this is some serious-ass shit.

Okay, fair enough. The baby we chose for the Facebook ad wasn't the most handsome baby in the world. That's a totally legitimate criticism. It's just a really really cute baby. That's my bad. I'll take the fall for that one. I chose the photo. Mea. Culpa.

What? Is it my baby?

Come on, don't be ridiculous. My future babies are already more handsome than that, and they haven't even been born yet. If I had a baby it would win this contest, by a landslide. It would win the contest so mightily, the contest would probably have to shut down forever. So to answer your question, no, that is not my baby.

Per se.

Did I buy it from a "baby broker?" Maybe. Did I find it next to a sleeping woman on a cross-town bus? Look, that's beside the point. The point is, if your baby isn't Johnny Depp (again, the baby version) or like a baby swimsuit model, don't even bother.

Also, I know the ad says to send in a photo, but the best way to win this contest -- if you want a little Pro Tip -- is to send your baby in. By messenger, if possible. Although FedEx isn't bad, either.

And NO we're not just going to sell your baby for profit. That is a gross exaggeration. It's probably a lie even. We're not some fly-by-night Cute Baby Contest. We are a reputable, you know, whatever. We're trustworthy. For reals.

So send us your baby. Seriously. Do it now.

Oh yeah, and you'd think this would go without saying but apparently it doesn't: white babies only.

Free Pony Rides!

FOR A LIMITED TIME, I am offering free pony rides.



Please keep in mind that I am unclear what a pony is.

Your Hump Day Ballad

HIS NAME IS JIM SLONINA, and I'm pretty sure he's a genius.

Fun with Lip-Syncing - I Who Have Nothing - watch more funny videos

{via Ron F***ing Swanson}

Oscar (Knee) Jerk

AFTER READING THE NOMINATIONS THIS MORNING, I wasted no time in predicting my winners...

BEST PICTURE -- Avatar Hollywood loves to congratulate itself. And what better way to do that than to give a Best Picture Oscar to the highest grossing film ever? Does Avatar deserve to be called "Best Picture"? Of course not. But since when is it standard for the actual best film to win?

BEST DIRECTOR -- Kathryn Bigelow Until she won the DGA award, I really thought her ex-husband was going to sweep this statuette up too. But Bigelow wins this year because of two things: Oscar voters love to "do the right thing", even if that means taking nearly a century to finally recognize a female director. And Oscar voters are sexist, by which I mean if The Hurt Locker wasn't a "dude film directed by a lady," Bigelow wouldn't even be mentioned. She had to show she could "direct like a man" before they'd take her seriously.

BEST ACTOR -- Jeff Bridges
BEST ACTRESS -- Sandra Bullock
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS -- Mo'Nique In the acting categories, the early awards really tell the tale.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR -- Christoph Waltz It's sad to think that this will likely be the only award that (easily) the best film of the year will take home on Oscar night. But there is no performance by ANYONE this year as amazing as Waltz's performance.

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE -- Up Pixar wins because...Pixar!

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM -- The White Ribbon Always bet on the Germans.

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY -- The Hurt Locker Inglourious Basterds should win, but for some reason it won't.

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY -- In The Loop It's an upset! People might think Up in the Air will win, but instead this movie that I haven't even seen will! Why do I think that? Mostly because I think Up in the Air is average at best! Hooray!

Let's see how I do.

Please keep in mind that I thought very little about this process, and neither should you. Seriously, don't we have better things to worry about these days?

And, yes, I'm talking about Tough Love and The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love.

An Old Vehicle But a Good One

I NEVER KNEW THIS SONG WAS CALLED "VEHICLE."



Also, I didn't know there ever was a band called Ides of March. So how could I have possibly known that band was formed by the same guy who later went on to form Survivor and to write "Eye of the Tiger"?

Fine, I'll admit that I don't know what music is. Also, what are words?

The Breadsticks and the Chicken Wings

THIS IS THE PHOTO THAT STARTED IT ALL. A photo taken in a gas station in glamorous Baker, California.



The gas station really is a magical place. You’ve heard all about the combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell? Well, this place is that and then some. It’s a combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell and Wing Street and A&W and TCBY and Subway and gas station and convenience store. If you ask me, it’s just a Long John Silver’s away from perfection. And it’s all in the shadow of world’s largest thermometer.

That illustration occupied a spot above the Pizza Hut counter, right next to the entrance to the bathrooms. It had been there for years, and the wife and I would see it every time we went to Vegas. At 90 miles west of Vegas, Baker is the perfect first pit stop on the trip home.

I always assumed the picture was of two breadsticks who were (obviously) best friends, and for whatever reason they were walking away from three chicken wings. Maybe they had hit on the prettiest chicken wing and were shot down? Maybe only the breadstick on the left hit on the chicken wings and the breadstick on the right was his wing man (ironic!). Hell, maybe the middle “chicken wing” was actually a breaded and friend pickle. It definitely looks more like a pickle than any part of a chicken.

Whatever the case, no one at the gas station has ever offered an explanation. Which is why I asked friends and strangers via Facebook, Twitter and Flickr what they thought it might represent. The results were pretty fantastic. Everyone agreed that the three things on the right were chicken. But people were divided on the couple on the left. Were they breadsticks? Churros? French fries? More chicken?

Our friend Glark saw the pair on the right as “strippers” who had shed their chicken parts. “Those are normal chicken pieces and when they get the courage to let their hair down they strip and become chicken strips.”

Most people assumed the picture was one of tragedy. Like my wife’s explanation: “The french fry on the right just cried three giant brown tears because the French fry on the left has leukemia.” Which was surprisingly similar to our friend Tara’s interpretation: “One churro just found out he has cancer, and his friend is comforting him. Also soy ‘chicken fingers’ are there?”

My friend Jared saw the “two walking and talking bread sticks” as Detectives Deborah and Dexter Morgan. Behind them lay the bodies of “three buffalo winged amputees,” victims of “a heinous crime, believed to be committed by a former member of the Green Berets.” Sadly, Deborah and Dexter were too late.

My nephew explained it like this: "Hey! Let’s use these giant chicken wings as shoes!" one bread stick says to the other. "But we have four feet, and there are only three chickenshoes." "Damn."

My friend Kath didn’t elaborate on the possible story because she was thrown off by the decision to anthropomorphize the French fries, “but the chicken nuggets-- which actually were alive at some point-- are inanimate objects,” she said. “The painter knew that if the nuggets were portrayed as alive, it would rip through that veneer of denial that lets us eat meat and they'd never sell another nugget. A happy dancing fry, on the other hand, is an appetizing treat.”

Sadly, the sign doesn’t exist anymore. It has since been replaced with a Pizza Hut/Wing Stop sign. But the owners of the gas station have added two new illustrations. One of an obviously carnivorous bear and his best friend, a hot dog superhero.



I kind of feel sorry for that hot dog who seems oblivious to the fact that the bear is eating a hamburger and, therefore, his very life might be in danger.

The other picture is of a line of suicidal fruits rushing to sacrifice themselves to be part of a TCBY smoothie.



Look how enthusiastically the strawberry is diving into blender. And the banana is giving a wave, like “Look, ma! I’m gonna be in smoothies!”