Sing to Me!

TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY! And to properly celebrate it, I would like to be serenaded. Preferably by a man in a tux. And that man better have a backup dancer (but only one!), and she'd better be wearing a satin jumpsuit with white go-go boots and matching white gloves. I know that's asking a lot, but it's my birthday, and that's my birthday wish!





Wow. That was perfect. Thank you, Harvey Sid Fisher. Thank you for knowing how to ring in another awesome year.

Cute Cats Are Creepy People

JUST BECAUSE TWO CATS SLEEP CLOSE TOGETHER, doesn't necessarily mean they are the best of friends. Take, for example, the cats in the picture on the right, Myrna and Mr. Andy Chang. Despite the May-December quality of their relationship, Andy (the black and white cat) loves Myrna. Andy is convinced their age difference is no impediment. But Myrna does not want to be Maude to Andy's Harold. There is nowhere in the apartment that Myrna can go that Andy will not follow. Myrna tried to get a restraining order on Andy, but the judge said no. So, Andy just waits till she sleeps and then curls up next to her. If they were people, it would be creepy. But since they're cats, it's cute.

Lowe Lights

SO YOU THOUGHT PARTS OF THE OSCAR BROADCAST WERE AWKWARD? The crazy shadow puppet dancers were weird and pointless and (dare I say?) boring. Maybe you just need a little perspective. Or as Fletch once said: "Maybe you need a refresher course."

There now. Don't you feel better about the shadow puppets? Or do I need to dig up the footage of Ann Reinking singing Phil Collins's Oscar-nominated "Take a Look at Me Now" while Phil sat in the audience puzzled and incredibly uncomfortable?

Do you really want that?

I didn't think so. Nobody wants that.

File Under: Conan

SORT OF A CHEAP JOKE, but pretty funny nonetheless.

And.....Scene!

WELCOME BACK, MY FRIENDS, TO THE SHOW THAT NEVER ENDS! Only this time the show does end. And when I say "the show" I mean The Megan Mullally Show. As of today, we have stopped production. Ah well, we gave it a shot, right? It was a good ride, but now we move on to other things. Maybe in the future I'll post some of the taped comedy pieces I directed on this site.

If I can figure out how to do such a thing, that is.

Nan's Saddlebags

THE INTERNET IS AWESOME! Take, for instance this "review" of the Los Angeles restaurant Birds I found on Citysearch. It was posted on November 30 by Spiralgrl52 under the headline, "Always a booty call":

If you're in desperate need of booty call, Birds is the place to go. Generally you want to go Wednesday through Saturday, and definitely get there by the start of happy hour. Then you want to look for a dark Asian girl with a saddlebag derriere and a flat chest named Nan. She is a regular (but not like the local neighborhood regulars...she drives an hour each night to get to Birds) who likes to introduce new customers to the bar, as well as her licentious body and dances on the bar pretty much every night in clothes most likely bought at the lewd clothing boutiques on Hollywood Blvd. Typically, this is how it goes. You can just meet her, get her completely drunk, bring her home, and have what you would consider mediocre fornication, but hey! It's an easy lay, and it's for free! It definitely balances out the amount of money you might spend on booze, and the food (which is relatively decent). Definitely give it a try........it's as easy as 1, 2, 3!

Poor Nan. It isn't bad enough that she is flat-chested and has a saddlebag derriere, she's also only capable of mediocre fornication. It's very sad.

O.J. McSweeney

SOMETIMES THE WRITERS OF THE MEGAN MULLALLY SHOW write jokes that couldn't possibly be appropriate for daytime. When that happens, we just send them to McSweeney's. (Okay, so it's just happened once so far, but it seems like a good rule to follow from here on out.) The following two lists were written collectively by me, Wendy Molyneux, John Robertson and Ann Slichter, and published on the McSweeney's site. Enjoy.

ALTERNATE TITLES FOR O.J. SIMPSON'S NEW BOOK
Stab This Book
Stab Your Wife With This Book
Beat Your Wife to Death With This Book
Tuesdays With Stabby
Are You There, God? It's Me, a Multiple Murderer
To Kill a Mockingbird, Wherein the Mockingbird Is Your Ex-Wife and Her Friend, the Waiter
What to Expect When You're Expecting to Stab Someone

CLASSIC TITLES WE TRIED TO TURN INTO FAKE TITLES FOR O.J.'S NEW BOOK THAT TURNED OUT TO SOUND TOO MUCH LIKE REAL TITLES FOR O.J.'S NEW BOOK
The Sound and the Fury
As I Lay Dying
A Farewell to Arms
Men Are From Mars, Bitches Had It Coming