Robots Will Destroy Us!

OR AT THE VERY LEAST, Japanese dancers doing the robot.

The Funny Ladies of Funny-ness

I AM SICK AND TIRED of people telling me there are no great comedic actresses any more. To those people, I can only say, "Have you been to a movie lately? Have you even seen a preview lately?" I would posit that we are, in fact, in The Golden Age of Female Comedy.

Disagree with me? What about Jessica Alba, huh? Explain that, genius! In Good Luck Chuck, Jessica falls into a pond AND runs into a light pole! Funny! Also, she knocks a table over spilling stuff onto Dane Cook’s lap! I’m talking, like, ice water…on his man parts! Can you imagine the shrinkage? How funny is that shit!? For further proof, I have posted a hilarious picture of Jessica Alba.

Also, there’s that blonde lady in the new Ben Stiller film The Heartbreak Kid. At first, I was skeptical. I’m no idiot. I don’t just naturally assume an actress is hilarious JUST because she’s hot. So when I saw the first trailers for the film, I wasn’t certain this blonde lady would fall over or knock something breakable off a table. It was like the filmmakers were teasing me. “How could this be a comedy,” I wondered, “if she doesn’t stumble around?” My fears, it turns out, were ill-founded. In later trailers, the new blonde lady falls. Oh boy does she! She falls off a CLIFF! Taller = farther distance = bigger laughs! I don’t even know the lady’s name, but I’m already convinced that she is a comedic genius.

And let's not forget Kate Hudson in How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days! She’s got comedy pedigree. Her mom is Goldie Hawn (Laugh-In, Foul Play, Private Benjamin) and her dad is Bill Hudson (The Hudson Brothers Razzle Dazzle Show). And how did she turn that genetic goldmine into comedy? By falling down and knocking stuff over. A lot! Have you seen that movie? Every ten minutes or so Kate Hudson is tripping or stumbling or knocking something over. In short, she is reminding us how funny she is. And don’t even get me started on the awkward dancing.

Awkward dancing is the other way to tell if you’re in the company of a great comedienne. Think of Cameron Diaz in Charlie’s Angels! She dances awkwardly AND she’s clumsy.

But I’m leaving out the most important tool on the comedic actress’s tool belt: being smokin’ hot AND nearly naked! Because there’s nothing funnier than a hot chick in her underwear. Like the aforementioned awkward dancing in Charlie's Angels. Or that moment in Good Luck Chuck where Jessica Alba gets her skirt torn off accidentally, exposing her cute underwear. Man! I mean, if that’s not comedy, maybe I don’t know what comedy is.

So, please, spare me the belly-aching, lady actors! If you're complaining that there are no great comedic actresses out there, maybe you're just jealous. Also, maybe you're just not hot enough to be funny. Did you ever think of that?

I didn't think so.

Me Answering Questions Now!

IT HAS BEEN SIX YEARS since President Bush asked America, "Is our children learning?" And it has been a long wait for the answer. But finally today in New York City, while adressing a roomful of elementary school students, our Education President, who has promised to leave no child behind, answered that thorny question.

"Childrens do learn," Bush said, "when standards are high and results are measured."

It is a relief. I am so happy for the childrens! All of those childrens! Them will be glad to find out that them's hard work were not in vain.

But don't worry. If this makes you feel a little embarrassed about our Commander in Chief, the official transcript of the event was edited so as to be grammatically correct.

See how awesome history is when you can change it?

Shhh...

TINY HITLER IS SLEEPING! Or maybe someone drugged his comically gigantic pretzel? Either way he's adorable.

Why Love "The Bachelor"?

TRUTH BE TOLD, I watch The Bachelor with my wife. Mostly I just love the first episode, where the Bachelor meets his 25 Lady Callers for the first time. It's an episode I like to call "The Drunk & Desperate Episode."

Oh, the drinking. Oh, the multiple acts of desperation.

You see, 25 Lady Callers show up, and, after spending an evening hanging out with the Bachelor (and drinking 500 bottles of wine), the Bachelor picks 15 of them. The other 10, must go home, drunk and weepy.

After that first episode, my interest wanes pretty consistently. But for that first episode, I am completely transfixed. What? My enthusiasm perplexes you? What if I offered some specific reasons?

REASON #1: Actual dialog from the Bachelor to his television audience: "Walking into that room, I was literally beside myself."

REASON #2: One of the Lady Callers said she "broke her face." Twice. Not only did she say it twice, but she also claimed she broke her face on two occasions. It was, like, the first thing she said to the Bachelor after she got out of the limo. "I broke my face!" My wife's reply? "It looks like it's still broken."

REASON #3: The singing! Yes! Singing! Last year, a woman sang "The Star-Spangled Banner" from a balcony to the Bachelor. This year, a woman sang a song that...um...she wrote? I guess? It was, in a word, magnificent. And here are the lyrics:

There's a yellow rose in Texas
And that's just what I'm going to do
Nobody's gonna miss her
Nearly as much as I do

REASON #4: One Lady Caller showed the Bachelor her webbed toes. One "read his tongue". While another showed him how flexible she was by putting both her feet behind her head and then saying to the Bachelor, "You can spin me." Sadly, he did not spin her.

REASON #5: As always, one of the ladies had way too much to drink. This season's drunk lady got so drunk one of her boobs fell onto the floor. Don't worry, it was a fake boob, an insert for her bra to make her look bustier. But one of them fell out and she walked around the party for a while without it. One of the other ladies found the boob and brought it to the drunk lady's attention -- not before she brought it to the attention of a bunch of the other ladies, of course. It is the Way of the Lady Callers to turn on the weak (or in this case shit-faced). When the drunk lady finally got her "one-on-one" time with the Bachelor, all she could really say over and over again was, "When I first saw you, I thought 'sweetness.' And I think that's great. Sweetness. Very sweet. Just sweetness." Or something like that.

At the end of the drunken, embarrassing night, the Bachelor gave roses to the Tongue Reader, Broken Face, The Girl Who Sang, and also (in the least surprising turn of events) The Girl Who Put On A Bikini & Got In The Pool. He chose not to give roses to Webtoes, Legs-Behind-Head and, naturally, The Drunk Girl Who Lost Her Boob.

As with almost every season, The Ethnic Girls did not find a place in the Bachelor's heart. Because, in the world of television, only white ladies deserve love.

Hi Ho The Dairy Oh!

AS IT IS, DONKEYS DON'T GET MUCH RESPECT. They're not as handsome or as graceful as ponies. Their cry doesn't sound heroic, like a horse's whinny can. Instead, when they speak, it sounds like a pubescent teenager trying to talk tough, with a wheeze and a hiccup and a crack of the voice. They have stubby legs and -- let's face it -- a slightly retarded look about them.

Poor guys. Life hasn't been terribly kind to them. Do they really need to suffer further indignities? (And, no, I am not talking about having Eddie Murphy as the de facto spokesdonkey for all donkeys.) The indignity I speak of is this:



Look at that poor guy. It might be the most heartbreaking photo I've ever seen. A donkey in a well. Oh dear. And then to photograph him. Look at the look on his face. It's like, "Yes, I know. I've done something stupid. Must you really document it? Must you?"

The good news is he was rescued from the well and was not seriously injured.

The bad news? He's still a donkey. And now he's also famous for getting stuck in a well. That will definitely not help him score with the ladies. Not a chance in hell.

More Juice Please!

"O.J. Simpson is a suspect in an alleged armed robbery of sports memorabilia in a Las Vegas casino hotel room and will be interviewed by authorities later today."

So begins the story in The Los Angeles Times today. And I have to wonder two things: Why did the LAPD go all the way to Vegas to frame him for this crime? And why aren't they pursuing the Columbian Drug Lords who are obviously responsible? It's very puzzling.

Simpson, who was very cooperative with the police, explained that he was merely retrieving items known to be stolen, items that were rightfully his. He didn't break in to the hotel room. He said he was escorted up to the room (a dicey choice of words when it comes to Vegas) by an auction house owner.

"In any event," Simpson added, "it's stolen stuff that's mine. Nobody was roughed up."

Hmmm. Roughed up, eh?

I like to imagine that Simpson said those last four words with a wink and a smile. Just to let everyone know that he's still got it, and that, if push came to shove, he could still cut somebody's head off if he needed to.

You know, just for old times' sake.