Beards for the World!

BEARD TEAM USA IS GETTING READY. That's the electricity you can feel in the air. If you were wondering why you've felt so anxious lately, that might explain it. What with the World Beard and Moustache Championships coming up in September. Dude, everybody's getting ready! It's like the Super Bowl of hair growth, only it's world-fucking-wide, bitch. And if you don't have your beard in halfway decent shape now, it's probably too late. That shit doesn't just happen overnight you know. Not a world champion beard and mustache. Fuck no. Those take time and effort. So, don't try to start now and think you'll be all ready to face the London Handlebar Club on their home turf. (That's right, the WBAMC is being held in Brighton, England this year.) I'd just wait for the home field advantage in Anchorage 2009. Because, like the Olympics, the Beard Championships don't come around every year.

And this year Beard Team USA is totally fucking serious, man. In previous years, the team has simply stressed individuality and self-expression, but this year, the team is gunning for victory! And guess what, bitches: Their formula for victory just might include YOU! Do you have a kick-ass moustache? And do you also love America? Well, what are you waiting for, Jack? Don't keep that lip-warmer to yourself. Go trans-Atlantic with your moustache rides T-shirt, and maybe also help BTUSA bring home the gold...or whatever the hell the awards are. Because they really need moustaches this year. They really want to beat the Handlebar Club, but even more so, they want to beat the Germans (stand in line, right?), who started this whole World Beard and Moustache Championship.

What's that? You're not familiar with the history of this awesome event? Let me quote the WBAMC website:

In 1990, the First Höfener Beard Club (1. Höfener Bartclub) organized and hosted the first World Beard and Moustache Championships in its hometown Höfen/Enz, Germany, a small village in the Black Forest. In 1995, the same club hosted the second World Beard and Moustache Championships in the nearby city of Pforzheim.

In 1997, the championships moved to Trondheim, Norway, where they were organized by the Norwegian Moustache Club (Den Norske Mustaschklubben), headquartered in Trondheim.

The Swedish Moustache Club (Svenska Mustaschklubben) followed in 1999, organizing the championships in Ystad, at the extreme southern end of Sweden.

In March, 2001, the Swabian Beard and Moustache Club (Schwäbische Bart- und Schnauzerclub) celebrated its tenth anniversary by hosting the championships in its hometown of Schömberg, Germany.

After that, I think we all know what went down. The WBAMC came to America in 2003 for the first time ever, as part of the annual Nevada Day celebration in Carson City, Nevada. Then back to Germany (Berlin to be exact) in '05. I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you don't already know. And it's going to be another two years before we get those international beards on our own turf. To Alaska, where everyone has beards. It's a law there! Grow a beard or get the fuck out. It even says that on the license plates. It's like their version of "Live Free or Die." So, if we're really serious, as Americans, about winning some serious recognition in London, we need to show everyone -- Brits, Germans, Poles, Czechs, Russians, all the famous beard people -- that we can grow it with the best of them.

And if we need any inspiration, all we need to do is visit Beard Team USA's blog, or even the all-encompassing beard-cyclopedia known as All About Beards. How serious are they? They're a dot-org, man. That's almost a dot-edu and wayyyyy better than a dot-com.

Fuck yeah, dawg! Get yer beard on!

With the Force of a Dragon

AWESOMENESS, THY NAME IS DRAGONFORCE!

Soothing Organs

WHAT ARE THE FOUR LEAST SOOTHING WORDS in the English language? It could be debated, I suppose, but my candidate would be: but mostly his organ. As in the following image I totally stole from The Wheezer Society, a blog I have only recently stumbled upon.

So, if it's not "but mostly his organ," what then is it? Seriously, what?

Classic Confrontation

ADORABLE FAT-FACED BABY VS. THE CHEERIO: It really is the classic confrontation. You'd think a baby would have a distinct advantage over the tiny, defenseless Cheerio. But you'd be wrong, friend. Oh yes, you'd be wrong.

Bathroom Crazy

MENTAL ILLNESS DOES NOT RUN IN MY FAMILY, so my fears are probably baseless. But I have this recurring thought in my head of exactly how I might go crazy, how it will first manifest itself. It's ridiculous, I know. Like the weird fear I have that I will suddenly, capriciously, put the end of a power cord into my mouth. It's not something I want to do. It's just an odd recurring thought. Like the thought my friend Skap has when he's somewhere high (like a balcony or at the edge of a canyon) that he might just jump off, just for no reason.

So my future (and totally make-believe) madness will manifest itself this way, I think. Instead of putting toilet paper in the toilet where it would belong after using it, I will just put it in the trash can. The latest wrinkle on this is that I might, instead of putting it in the trash, hang it on the towel rack behind the toilet. Given those two options (and assuming I'm not going to put it in the toilet where I should) I'd hope that I'd put it in the trash can. That would be, I think, much less crazy. At least, much less disturbing.

I think if you behave like that, you are definitely crazy. So, maybe it's good that I'm making a mental note so that I can recognize my craziness when it manifests itself. Not that it will, because, like I said, crazy brains don't exactly run in my family.

Terrorists vs. Bananas!

PROTECT YOUR BANANAS, PEOPLE! And I mean that literally. It's not some goofy slang for "wear a cup when playing sports" or anything. I'm talking about bananas, and the cost of protecting them, and that Chiquita was just found guilty of paying about $1.7 million in protection money to the United Self-Defense Forces of Colombia (or the AUC) one of Columbia's biggest paramilitary groups (referred to by the press and the U.S. government as a "terrorist group"). Me, I'm not so smart. So I really don't know whether they're "terrorists" or just misunderstood. I'd like to just think of them as "gun-friendly". Here's a quote from today's AP story:

The AUC has been responsible for some of the worst massacres in Colombia's civil conflict and is responsible for a sizable percentage of the country's cocaine exports. The right-wing group was designated by the U.S. government as a terrorist organization in September 2001.



Prosecutors said the company made the payments in exchange for protection. The company also made similar payments to the leftist Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia, or FARC, according to prosecutors.

Chiquita will pay a $25 million fine, but get a load of this weird tidbit: Colombia's banana-growing region is a zone that has been viciously fought over by leftist rebels and far-right paramilitaries.

The whole thing reminds me of the Simpsons episode where Marge starts selling pretzels from a pretzel wagon, and Homer tries to help out by paying Fat Tony to ensure that Marge's pretzel endeavor is successful. ("The Twisted World of Marge Simpson", season 8, episode 11 -- an episode which came up in conversation during our regular Tuesday Poker Night last night.) Eventually Fat Tony confronts Marge and says to her: I'm afraid I must insist. You see, my wife, she has been most vocal on the subject of the pretzel monies. "Where's the money? When are you going to get the money? Why aren't you getting the money now?" And so on.

OK, OK, OK

MY LOVELY WIFE BELIEVES (and she may well be right) that OK Go is in danger of just being a "novelty video act." Do people really listen to the music, she wonders? Do people really buy the albums? It's hard for me to answer. I have not bought their albums, although I own both (having received promotional copies of both while at two different jobs). I have, however, given both albums as gifts, if that counts for anything. My wife's point is that the band is best known for their hilarious videos: the backyard dancing in "A Million Ways" topped by the synchronized treadmill dancing in "Here It Goes Again" and now there's this wallpaper video for "Do What You Want":





I have to admit that I love the new video, that it's weird and bizarre but also simple and hypnotic. But even my love for it cannot help me answer my wife's question. (And people say love is the answer. What liars!) I hope that the band is thought of as more than being a "novelty video act." And I hope that these crazy videos are actually translating into sales for the band. I mean, they did end up winning a Grammy recently. Sure, it was for the video, but still. That's good for them, right? Or does it just prove my wife's point? Hmmm.

I guess only time will tell. Until then, I hope the guys in the band are investing well and enjoying the ride. Maybe it'll last for a long, long time. But it might be just a quick crazy rollercoaster, like the Screamroller at Worlds of Fun, the theme park outside Kansas City. You remember the Screamroller don't you? From back in the late '70s/early '80s? It was the park's first upside-down coaster, and there was soooo much hype surrounding it. It had this awesome first hill and you went upside down twice, but the problem was it took almost 40 seconds to climb the hill and then the ride really only lasted about 30 more seconds. Down the hill, around a corner, upside down twice, sharp corner and back to the station. It was sort of a bust. Even when they made it a stand-up coaster and changed the name to ExtremeRoller, it was still kind of a ripoff. Standing up in the cars didn't make the ride last longer.

I guess my point is: that roller coaster eventually got bulldozed and replaced with The Timber Wolf, which is a really kickass wooden roller coaster. And, man, I should totally ride it again the next time I go back to KC. That one and The Mamba. Oh yeah, The Mamba. Now that's a quality roller coaster: over a mile long, super fast. Wow, what a ride!



What was I talking about again?