Shake Shake Shake!

YOU CANNOT PARODY THIS. Because it is already hilarious.



They decided to forgo the catch phrase, "Jerk the weight off in just six minutes!"

{from Videogum}

The Tragedy of Recurrent Baldness

DO YOU REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME JEREMY PIVEN WENT BALD?



We were all so innocent then!

Baby Care 101

MANY PEOPLE, EVERY DAY, ASK ME ONE QUESTION: How does one properly dry a baby? This may seem like a weird question, since I do not have a baby (well, at least one that is legally mine), until you realize that I am a well-known baby care expert. I even have a degree (from the University of Phoenix) that says so.

Anyway, drying a baby can be tricky, but here's a handy visual aid to help you remember the do's and do-not-do's of baby drying.



You're welcome.

Where the G Stands for Whaaaa?

THIS REALLY MAKES NO SENSE.



Guinea Pigs aren't big heroes. They're small. So, I guess they're going for irony here and I don't get it? I'm not ruling that out, you understand. Um, it just doesn't seem funny. It sort of reads to me like, "The world needs bigger heroes...like Autobots, for instance. Unfortunately, in this movie all you get are rodents. Sorry! We hope you think they're cute anyway!"

Hmmm.

Yeah. It doesn't quite work for me.

Shark Attack!

HOLY CRAP, EVERYBODY! TIGER SHARK!

Hair Today

THIS IS NOT RIDICULOUS.


Just so you know.

The Super Broker Shuffle

IN 1985, THE CHICAGO BEARS WON THE SUPER BOWL. They did it with a combination of teamwork and effort and skill and luck. But everyone knows they only won the Super Bowl that year, because of the song they recorded during the season, "The Super Bowl Shuffle."

The song was hugely popular, climbing all the way to #41 on the Billboard charts and even getting nominated for a Grammy. Seriously. A Grammy. For best Best Rhythm & Blues Vocal Performance—Duo or Group. Amazing. Anyway, it turns out the song and video were much more popular than I knew, because it inspired this imitator -- The Southern Food Brokerage Super Broker Shuffle.

Take it away, nerds!



And in case you are unfamiliar with the song that inspired this. Here it is, in all its glory: The Super Bowl Shuffle.



Special props to Henry Vick for giving me the heads up.

File Under: Corporate Speak

IN A TRAGIC TURN OF EVENTS LAST NIGHT, a monorail train at Disney World crashed into another monorail train, killing the driver. It's horrible news, which was handled with an appropriate amount of sensitivity, by Mike Griffin, Disney's vice president for public affairs. Oh wait! I meant lack of sensitivity!

"Today we mourn the loss of our fellow cast member," read the statement from Griffin.

Seriously? Cast member?

A man was just killed on your monorail? Do you really have to insist upon using your corporate-decreed euphemism for "employee"? I know, in the make-believe world of your theme park, it is important to refer to employees as cast members. I'm sure you've had meetings and sent out memos about it. I'm sure there have been discussions even about whether or not it should be hyphenated. (Apparently, it should not be.) Managers are probably reprimanded if they say "employee" instead of "cast member".

I mean, seriously. Cast member! In a public statement of mourning!

That's a whole new level of douchebaggery. So congratulations to you Mike Griffin, and also to you Disney World, you guys are awesome!

Maybe Just Hum It Instead

WOULD YOU ALL PLEASE RISE? As we honor America with this approximation of the national anthem.



And he butchered "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" even worse.

{from Lisanti}

Watch Where You Put Your Probe Fingers

IT'S KIND OF A PERFECT STORM SITUATION. I mean, any headline that begins "Probe Fingers" is already worth a chuckle. But when you add American Apparel and a picture of underwear. Underwear, AP? Really? Well that, my friends, is genius.



We all had heard how sexual harassment was rampant at American Apparel. But I had no idea that nearly two thousand workers had been subjected to "probe fingers." Glad the government is all over this.