The Cheeseburger Heard Round the World

BY THE WAY, THAT GERMAN CHEESEBURGER FROM YESTERDAY is totally all over the internets. Mentions of this weird German taste treat have been spotted on The Sneeze, Gizmodo and some guy from Australia even ate one.

Watch out for that last link. It includes pictures of the actual food, which are, to be kind, somewhere south of appetizing.

They Shut Me Down

WHEN I FIRST MOVED TO LOS ANGELES, I stayed with my good friends Brooke & Charlie, who were kind enough to let me live in their guest room for three weeks while I looked for an apartment. Their place was just a few blocks south of Melrose between Fairfax and La Brea (for those of you familiar with Los A.), and so I would occasionally walk up to Melrose to peruse the weird-ass shops and maybe get a Jamba Juice.

Whenever I would do this, I would invariably walk past Drake's, a porn store that in its front windows would always have the most homo-erotic displays. Somewhere in the boxes of crap I have in our guest room, I have a photo of me in front of Drake's, frowning, a mannequin dressed like a leather daddy behind me.

While surfing the internet recently, I came across this picture on Curbed L.A.:



So, it's the end of an era, I guess. My namesake gay porn store on Melrose has shuttered. If my life were a novel (and I'm 83% certain it is not), this might be a sign of some sort, a metaphor, a portent. Instead, it just means there's one less thing in Los Angeles that connects my name to leather sex wear.

Leave It To The Germans

IT'S THE FINAL SOLUTION!...to your hunger!



That's right, bitches, it's canned cheeseburger. Seriously. Cheeseburger in a can. You know, for when you're camping and you want a cheeseburger? Out of a can? Don't tell me I'm the only one who had that crazy dream. Because I just won't believe it!

Well, whatever. It's a reality now. And I can eat all the canned cheeseburgers I want.

Thank you, Germany!

Baked Sandwiches More Ya People!

IT'S BEST NOT TO SAY TOO MUCH UPFRONT. Other than to say it really does get funnier each time I watch it.




"Baked sandwiches more ya people" is the new "Body Massage!"

Spam-A-Lot, Week 10

ARE YOU READY TO HAVE YOUR MIND BLOWN by this week’s chart? And I’m not just talking about the 725 emails, an increase in traffic of more than 23%, including 430 Boner Meds (for a BMS of 59%). What I’m really talking about is the information received from another dimension. The dimension in which President Bill Klinton was a proud user of Viagra, and the “great sexual scandal known as Klinton-Levinsky” only served to raise Klinton’s popularity.

As the email explained: “It’s a natural phenomenon, because Bill as a real man in order not to shame himself when he was with Monica regularly used Viagra. What happened you see :) His political figure became more courageous and more attractive. Women all over the world made out in her person not only the president of the USA, but the man!!! It is very important for a man to be respected as a man.”

I wonder if in that dimension someone other than George Bush is president or if it’s just a smarter, less mean version of him (Jorge Busch?) who’s in charge.

Something to ponder while you dig into a spicy basket of Chart!

SPAM WATCH WEEK TEN
725 emails
BMS = 59% (down 5%)

((1/1)) -- 430 Boner Medication (113 VPXL, 74 Viagra/Cialis, 41 MegaDick)
((2/2)) -- 107 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((3/3)) -- 33 Rolex/Luxury Replica Watches
((4/4)) -- 24 Online Casino
((5/6)) -- 17 OEM Software
((6/10)) -- 14 Validate Your Identity (3 CitiBank, 3 Wells Fargo, 2 Commerce Bank)
((7/5)) -- 13 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((8/7)) -- 12 We Will Approve Your Loan
((9/8)) -- 9 Foreign Gibberish
((10/10)) -- 8 Improve Your Health
((10/14)) -- 8 Weight Loss/Anatrim
((12/10)) -- 6 Stop Smoking
((12/14)) -- 6 Dating Site: Interested Ladies/You Have Messages
((12/-)) -- 6 Earn Your Degree
((15/13)) -- 4 Buy Shoes
((15/16)) -- 4 Get Out of Debt Free
((15/16)) -- 4 Xmas Gifts
((18/16)) -- 3 View My Profile/Pictures/Vote For Me
((18/16)) -- 3 Pheromones
((18/-)) -- 3 I Love Thee
((21/-)) -- 2 I Dream of You
((21/-)) -- 2 Kisses Through Email
((23/16)) -- 1 Payday Loan
((23/16)) -- 1 Human Growth Hormone
((23/-)) -- 1 Employee Search
((23/-)) -- 1 Want to Make Huge Money?
((23/-)) -- 1 When I’m With You
((23/-)) -- 1 Heavenly Love
((23/-)) -- 1 Teach Your Woman Obediency


KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Ignore Me!

THIS IS MY NEW FAVORITE. Makes me think I should probably start watching this show again.

Jesus Loves You...A Lot

SIMPLY EVERYTHING IS WRONG WITH THIS. Honestly, I don't want to turn it off, and I sure as hell do not want to turn it on.



Please follow this link for the caption contest that accompanies this image.

Awkward Timing

WHILE PLAYING SCRABULOUS ON FACEBOOK TODAY, instead of working (of course), a tiny ad popped up on the side of the game board. An ad that both promoted Verizon and AT&T...and The Dark Knight.

I'm pretty sure someone somewhere should maybe pull these ads? Right? Now might not be the best time to hear a voicemail from Heath Ledger, what with his untimely passing just two days ago. Yeah, that's a little awkward and creepy. Even for the Joker.

Oh boy.

Lars & the Real Lap

ADMITTEDLY, THIS IS OLD NEWS, but I just came across it today during the most innocent of Google image searches, one containing only the word "pillow." On the first page of returned images, second row down, I saw this image of an older Asian man sleeping on the lower torso of a lady in a skirt.

Why, it's the perfect gift for the serial killer who has everything! It's part of a lady! The best part, her lap!

As you can see, there are two options, black miniskirt and red miniskirt, and at about $100, it's a bargain. And it's not just for perverts. And by that I mean, it's not for perverts at all. Right, Makoto Igarashi?

"We created this item to help tired people relax," said Igarashi, the creepy lap pillow maker's managing director.

Sure. "Tired" people. Wink, wink. Like that "tired" guy in the trench coat on the subway? The guy with his hands in his pockets who just moans and stares, because he's so tired? That guy?

Also, wait a second: "to help tired people relax?" Not sleep -- relax. I guess most people have regular pillows to sleep on. What they really need, especially if they're really tired, is a different kind of pillow solely made for relaxation.

Also, wait another second: people? Are you sure you don't just mean men? I'm not entirely convinced that women of all ages also find it relaxing to put their heads in the free-floating laps of young ladies.

But the company is convinced of the product's wholesomeness, even as they explain the attention paid to details such as the softness of the thighs, panty lines on the pillow's "backside" and wrinkles in the lap of the skirt so as to make the pillow look and feel as real as possible. Because, if you're a "tired person," panty lines on the backside of your pillow might make it impossible for you to relax.

I just like to imagine the reaction of a single woman who goes to her new boyfriend's apartment for the first time and finds one of these pillows in front of the TV. I like to think that the woman is at first startled, thinking that she's seeing half of an actual person, and so she screams bloody murder.

"Whoa, whoa, calm down," the boyfriend says, chuckling knowingly. "I know what you're thinking, but I haven't chopped a woman in half and kept her legs and hips in my living room. It's actually a pillow...for tired people to...you know...relax."

They both share a laugh...and then the girlfriend runs out of the apartment screaming.

I also like to think of a family at Christmas, and someone has gotten dad this pillow. He opens it and the room falls silent, as everyone looks at each other. Finally, someone breaks the silence, "What the fuck is that?"

Then the mother begins to cry.

See? It's the perfect gift!

Spam-A-Lot, Week 9

IT'S A BITTERSWEET WEEK ON THE SPAM CHARTS. Last week's record-setting spam intake was easily topped by the 588 emails received, as well as the highest BMS on record (at 64%). And after all my tales of doom and gloom for MegaDick, the ol' MD made a comeback, though it was still far outdistanced by VPXL. Sadly, it appears that 2008 will be Pussy & Boobs free, as for the third week running both Personal Pussy and Bigger/Better Boobs found no purchase in my inbox. While the Top 4 categories held steady, both OEM Software and Foreign Gibberish continued their downward trend. In the early weeks of the Chart, both categories easily logged between 30-50 emails a week; now either is lucky to squeak into the Top 10 with a dozen hits.

The big news of this week's Chart wasn't so much the six categories that dropped off: Earn Your Degree, Happy New Year, Employee Search, Madison Who’s Who, Embroideries and Would You Like to Chat? It was more about the six categories that hit the Chart for the very first time, led prominently by the #9 debut of GetNewGirlfriend.com. The other five newbies bottomed out the chart with only a couple emails apiece, but included the late (or maybe really really early) reminder of where to get the most popular X-mas Presents (along with the encouragement to "Hurry up!") and also the cryptically simple Revenge Is A Funny Thing, which simply said just that and included a link. I did not click on the link.

The Chart reminds you that "Your woman does not want to jazz it with you for reason of your device size." That is the only reason she does not want to jazz you.

Jazz it with The Chart!

SPAM WATCH WEEK NINE
588 emails
BMS = 64% (up 16%)

((1/1)) -- 379 Boner Medication (92 VPXL, 48 MegaDick, 37 Viagra/Cialis)
((2/2)) -- 59 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((3/3)) -- 30 Rolex/Luxury Replica Watches
((4/4)) -- 22 Online Casino
((5/7)) -- 17 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((6/5)) -- 11 OEM Software
((7/6)) -- 10 We Will Approve Your Loan
((8/9)) -- 9 Foreign Gibberish (0 German)
((9/-)) -- 8 GetNewGirlfriend.com
((10/9)) -- 5 Validate Your Identity (eBay, PayPal, etc.)
((10/11)) -- 5 Improve Your Health
((10/11)) -- 5 Stop Smoking
((13/19)) -- 4 Buy Shoes
((14/11)) -- 3 Dating Site: You Have Messages/Interested Ladies
((14/7)) -- 3 Weight Loss (2 Anatrim)
((16/11)) -- 2 View My Profile/Pictures! (Vote For Me!)
((16/16)) -- 2 Pheromones
((16/16)) -- 2 Human Growth Hormone
((16/-)) -- 2 Stock News
((16/-)) -- 2 Claim Your Winnings (Sweepstakes)
((16/-)) -- 2 Get Out of Debt Free
((16/-)) -- 2 Payday Loan
((16/-)) -- 2 Revenge Is A Funny Thing
((16/-)) -- 2 Xmas Gifts

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Turkmen-Mania!

TURKMENISTAN IS IN THE NEWS! And if you know me, you know I gots to write about it! After reading that President Gurbanguli Berdymukhamedov recently reversed his predecessor's ban on operas and circuses, like most people, I thought, "Oh no he didn't!"

But yes he did. "Our flourishing nation should not stand separate from the world," President Berdymukhamedov said. "It absolutely should have a worthy operatic theater and a worthy state circus." What makes this noteworthy, I discovered, was all the crazy shit Berdymukhamedov's predecessor, the first president of Turkmenistan, put into place.

Saparmurat Niyazov was a hardline Communist party official who, when Turkmenistan became independent, was elevated to president of Turkmenistan -- or as he later declared himself, "Father of All Turkmen." A lunatic dictator if ever there was one, Niyazov blanketed the country with gigantic portraits of himself and erected statues of himself (or his mother, or him with his mother) wherever he could. But that, of course, is pretty standard for a "reformed" Communist leader. And Niyazov himself said, "I admit it, there are too many portraits, pictures and monuments. I don't find any pleasure in it, but the people demand it because of their mentality." Let's look into some of the wackier edicts Niyazov handed down.

• Awarded himself the Hero of Turkmenistan award five times.
• Wrote The Ruhnama, a national epic blending revisionist history and moral guidelines, which he intended as the "spiritual guidance of the nation" and the basis of the nation's arts and literature. Later, he made a test of the book part of the driving exam.
• Ordered the closure of all rural libraries on the grounds that he thought that village Turkmen do not read.
• Shut all hospitals outside the capital city, with the reasoning that the sick should come to the capital for treatment.
• Prohibited news readers to wear make-up.
• Renamed the months of the year; renaming one after his mother and another after his awesome book The Ruhnama.
• Encouraged the youth of Turkmenistan to chew on bones to preserve their teeth rather than be fitted with gold tooth caps or gold teeth.
• Prohibited car radios, lip-synching and recorded music.
• Restricted dogs from the capital city due to unappealing odor.

So, in summary, that's a nice start, President Berdymukhamedov, but it really looks like you've got your work cut out for you. In the meantime, keep chewing bones!

Jogging Nuggethouse

SINCE YOU ASKED FOR IT, here's a picture of Amy Winehouse jogging with McNuggets sauce, courtesy of The Superficial. Wait, are you serious? You didn't ask for photos of Amy Winehouse jogging through a parking lot with hands full of McNugget sauce? Wow, weird. I could have sworn somebody did. Oh well. It's good to post the pic anyway, just because she looks totally normal and not fucked up at all.

Idol Uber Alles

YOU SHOULD GO TO THIS OTHER GUY'S BLOG. His name is Ian Gurvitz. He used to write for Wings, Get a Life and Becker. Anyway, today's entry imagines Adolph Hitler as a prospective contestant on American Idol.

It includes the following lines from Randy: "Ok, Dawg, check it out. First off, mad props for the outfit. The English fox hunt boots with the whole military joint. It’s working for you. But I gotta keep it real -- your song choice -- maybe not right for what we’re doing. And it was a little pitchy in spots. Simon?"

Good stuff.

A Sign of the Apocalypse

AND THE RIVERS WILL TURN TO MEAT!

News of the Obvious

STOP THE PRESSES, MR. & MRS. AMERICA! It turns out that kids don't like clowns!

What? I mean, seriously. What? According to the story on the Internet today, children and even older kids are scared of clowns. "We found that clowns are universally disliked by children," a researcher from the University of Sheffield said. "Some found them quite frightening and unknowable."

Frightening and unknowable? What is frightening or unknowable about this?



And I suppose this is frightening too?



And this?



What could kids possibly find off-putting about any of those images? The crazy hair, the freakish makeup, the drunken demeanor? I suppose next you'll be telling me that kids don't like being shaken to sleep, or that they find the movies of David Lynch to be disconcerting and inscrutable.

Well, I guess I just don't know kids at all.

Spam-A-Lot, Week 8

THE BIG QUESTION FOR WEEK EIGHT’S SPAM CHART is, obviously, "isn't it derogatory when they call your penis a baby carrot?" The answer may surprise you, because the answer is no. Baby carrots are delicious and very good for you. So, not derogatory at all.

Week Eight brought in 511 emails, making it the most spammy chart yet, topping the previous high of 494 emails. Despite that surplus, however, it appears to be the end of an era. Never in the history of The Chart have so few MegaDick emails been recorded in a week. Only 15 MegaDick emails, down from an already low mark in Week Seven of just 30. Remember those good old days of when we were swimming in MegaDick? When there were more than 55 (Week Six & Week Two), more than 70 (Week Three & Week One) or even 91 (Week Four). Don’t tell me those magnificent days are over. Please.

Sadly, now Boner Medication is all about VPXL, which came on so suddenly (Sudden Onset VPXL?) I wasn't able to accurately track it this week. I'm guessing there were about 90 VPXL emails this week. We'll see how the numbers stack up next week.

New to the chart this week are View My Profile/Pictures! (#11), Happy New Year Click on This (#16) and We Will Approve Your Loan (debuting big at #6). Two of the most useless pieces of new spam came in the form of Selected Into Madison Who's Who and All Kinds of Embroideries! (both bottoming out the chart at #19). How enticing is either sales pitch? I mean, really. Madison, Wisconsin wants me? Wow! The Madison, Wisconsin? And not just any kind of embroidery but all kinds? It's like every day is Christmas!

Dropping off the chart this week are Here Is a Video, Stock News and Bank Scam. But most notable is the prolonged absence of Personal Pussy and Bigger/Better Boobs, now AWOL for the second week in a row. If the future doesn't contain a Personal Pussy and Bigger/Better Boobs, I'm not sure I want to live there.

Get down with the Chart!

SPAM WATCH WEEK EIGHT
511 emails
BMS = 48% (up 1%)

((1/1)) -- 243 Boner Medication (15 MegaDick, 58 Viagra/Cialis)
((2/3)) -- 73 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((3/2)) -- 56 Rolex/Luxury Replica Watches
((4/4)) -- 29 Online Casino
((5/6)) -- 23 OEM Software
((6/-)) -- 19 We Will Approve Your Loan
((7/6)) -- 7 Inspecific "Look at this!"
((7/10)) -- 7 Weight Loss/Anatrim
((9/5)) -- 6 Foreign Gibberish (1 German)
((9/8)) -- 6 Validate Your Identity (eBay, PayPal, etc.)
((11/10)) -- 5 Stop Smoking
((11/10)) -- 5 Improve Your Health
((11/16)) -- 5 Dating Site: You Have Messages/Interested Ladies (Russian Brides)
((11/-)) -- 5 View My Profile/Pictures! (And vote for me!)
((11/16)) -- 5 Earn Your Degree
((16/15)) -- 4 Pheromones
((16/9)) -- 4 Human Growth Hormone
((16/-)) -- 4 Happy New Year Click on This!
((19/-)) -- 1 Selected Into Madison Who's Who
((19/18)) -- 1 Employee Search
((19/18)) -- 1 Buy Shoes
((19/-)) -- 1 All Kinds of Embroideries!
((19/10)) -- 1 Would You Like to Chat?

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Potty Training For Dummies

WHAT IS IT ABOUT MAJOR CORPORATIONS AND BATHROOMS that makes people crazy? Is it the cubicle lifestyle? Or is it just a by-product of hundreds of people being stuck in the same building together for 40 or more hours a week? I only ask because of the sign I saw posted on the men's bathroom at the company where my wife and I frequently do freelance work. (Click for a larger image.)



Since you may not be able to read the extensive text under the title Potty Training for Dummies, I will reproduce all two hundred and thirty-nine (!!) words here:

The cleaning staff that services our bathroom facilities do a great job of keeping them clean and tidy, yet it seems that within minutes of their departure some of us who participate in the use of said facilities tend to be some of the sloppiest hygiene deprived individuals around. I would venture to say that the dirtiest public restroom in Calcutta would rate higher on the clean meter than this bathroom on any given day.

The toilets aren’t there to see how many rolls of TP you can attempt to flush in one sitting.
The sink counters are not a display table for your used paper wash towels.
The sinks are not there for you to clean your coffee pots and leave the grounds.
The urinals are meant for what the name implies, not paper, gum and some thing which science has yet to name.

Remember when your Wife, Mother or Father would remind you to put up the toilet seat, well that still hasn’t registered with some of us yet. It doesn’t take anymore effort to practice cleanliness and good hygiene than it does to make the mess, so let’s all think back to what are parent’s taught us when we were young...Put the seat up, flush the toilet, don’t use to much TP, and wash your hands. We’ll all be happier, the cleaning staff will be happier and most of all our parents will be happier.

The italics are mine, but the grammar (and color change) is all the mystery author of this crazy, crazy note. Now, I have written about the bathroom antics at this building before. But I found this note to be the most insane. First of all, let us consider the amount of time that went into composing it, and add to that the amount of time it took in Photoshop, then add the time it took to find the appropriate clip art images of toilets, and then add to THAT the amount of time it took to print and then laminate the sign. (Did I not mention that this sign was laminated? Because it was.)

It's hard for me to pinpoint my favorite thing about this sign. Because there's so much to love. There's "let's all think back to what are parent's taught us", just for beginners. And there's also the capitalization (for emphasis I'm guessing) of "Wife, Mother or Father". There's also the fact that the sign disappeared after being up on the door for a few hours.

But best of all, I think, is the illustration. The YES and the NO. I get the NO part. I get that the illustration is showing me not to throw an entire roll of toilet paper (or TP, as the author prefers) into a toilet, and that the result of doing so is water on the floor by the toilet.

But I'm a little confused by the YES. It takes me a little while to recognize the floating blue curlicues as individual sheets of TP, and in the illustration it is unclear what those floating TP squares are up to. Should I use them to press the plunger? (Good advice, I think.) Should I stick them to the wall? The illustration is unclear. What it does NOT appear to indicate is that the TP squares should go in the toilet. When I compare the YES to the NO, I can clearly see the rolls of TP going in to the toilet, where the TP squares in the YES illustration may, in fact, be floating away from it.

Whatever the action to be taken with the TP squares, I believe the illustration is very clear about what should be happening. I should pee on the floor next to the toilet. At least, that's my take-away from the yellow pool around the base of the toilet.

And I have to be honest: I don't think I agree with this sign. I don't think it's a good idea to pee on the floor. Maybe that makes me a snob, but if it does, so be it.

Not a Fan

SO FAR 2008 IS NOT WINNING ME OVER. And if this year wants to be my pal, it's got a lot of work to do. As if the ongoing (and apparently unending) Writers Strike wasn't bad enough, I had to put my cat Myrna to sleep yesterday. She was 16 years old (would have been 17 in May) and had been sick with Chronic Renal Failure since the summer. So it wasn't as if it was unexpected.

Which is not to say that it was any easier to say goodbye.



Surprisingly, the worst part of the whole experience wasn't being in the room while she was euthanized, even though that was awful and incredibly heartbreaking. The worst was watching her waste away, gradually and almost invisibly, for the last six months. It was the reverse of watching her grow from a kitten into a cat. Seeing her everyday made it difficult to register just how much she was shrinking away.

Several months ago, I happened to look back a photo I took of her last January, and only then did I realize how thin she had become. The regular weighings at the vet confirmed her dropping weight. She used to be a big cat. Not fat at all. But big and fluffy. By fall, she was down from ten pounds to about seven. And in her final weeks, the weight loss was even more dramatic. The last time she was weighed at the vet, she weighed barely over three and a half pounds.



So there is a little bit of relief that comes with the sadness of putting an ailing pet to sleep. She was suffering and had been for months. And as much as we wanted her to stick around forever, her body was not going to let that happen. Also, we will always outlive our pets, always. It's the heartbreak agreement we willingly enter into. And I will gladly do it again, considering what I received in return: 16 years of companionship with a really great pet.

So thanks a lot, 2008. So far you've been a real dick.

Mysterious...

THE IMAGES FROM THURSDAY'S POST disappeared from my blog. Either Blogger does not like Pricasso, and thus fine art, or the agents of Pricasso constantly trawl the web to make sure no one has misappropriated JPEGs of his genius.

Whatever the case, I have reposted photos on the post. We'll see if they stick.

Keep It In Your Pants

ALL ARTISTS HAVE EGOS to some extent. It's what helps convince them that anyone would care what they had to say or do or write or paint. But what kind of ego must you have to be this guy?



That's Pricasso. He paints with his dick. Seriously. He paints nudes (no surprise there) and portraits (of world leaders, no less), using his dick as a paintbrush. To fill in the background, sometimes he uses other body parts.



Now, admittedly his name is mostly just a pun. He could have gone with Vincent Van Cock, Claude Bone-et, Balls Gauguin or Dick-elangelo. But I love that he chose a name that brings to mind Picasso, one of the greatest artists ever. And after visiting Pricasso's web site, I get the feeling it was no accident, like people should sit up and take notice of his painting talent. He's definitely the best artist who paints with his dick. I'll give him that.

Oh yeah, he's also a kickass poet. His use of "ware", "Virgina" and "cloths" really makes you think.

Spam-A-Lot, Week 7

IT'S TUESDAY, THEREFORE IT'S TIME FOR SPAM! That's my plan in 2008: updating the Spam Chart every Tuesday. We'll see how that goes. So far, I've already missed one Tuesday. What do I have to say about that? Nothing, I'll let the spam do the talking for me: "Moreover it is good it a little to make more thickly."

Yes. Yes, it is.

The most notable movement on the chart this week involved Rolex/Luxury Watches and OEM Software, with the former vaulting to the #2 spot and the latter dropping its output for the third consecutive week (down to only 15 spam from 58) and ending up at #6. Tragic news for fans of OEM software, indeed.

Bank Scam, Earn Your Degree and Holiday/Last Minute Shopping returned after a one-week sabbatical, joined by Dating Site and Buy Shoes as the new faces on the chart.

Two freshmen categories did not return for their sophomore engagements: Get Approved and The World Book Is Here. Notably absent from the chart now two weeks in a row: Legal Pot, View Your Kitty Card and Tax Refund from IRS. Sadly, both Personal Pussy and Bigger/Better Boobs dropped off the chart -- not a good sign, if you ask me.

Chart time!

SPAM WATCH WEEK SEVEN
420 emails
BMS = 47% (down 6%)

((1/1)) -- 197 Boner Medication (30 MegaDick, 41 Viagra/Cialis)
((2/6)) -- 64 Rolex/Luxury Watches
((3/3)) -- 36 Canadian/Online Pharmacy
((4/5)) -- 26 Online Casino
((5/2)) -- 16 Foreign Gibberish (0 German)
((6/4)) -- 15 OEM Software
((6/7)) -- 15 Inspecific “Look at this!”
((8/11)) -- 8 Validate Your Identity (eBay, PayPal, etc.)
((9/13)) -- 6 Human Growth Hormone
((10/7)) -- 5 Weight Loss (Anatrim)
((10/8)) -- 5 Would You Like to Chat?
((10/12)) -- 5 Stop Smoking
((10/13)) -- 5 Improve Your Health
((10/--)) -- 5 Holiday/Last Minute Shopping
((15/13)) -- 3 Pheromones
((16/--)) -- 2 Dating Site: You Have Messages/Interested Ladies
((16/--)) -- 2 Earn Your Degree
((18/13)) -- 1 Here Is a Video (w/attachment, Angelina porn this time)
((18/12)) -- 1 Stock News
((18/13)) -- 1 Employee Search
((18/--)) -- 1 Buy Shoes
((18/--)) -- 1 Bank Scam (Nigerian & otherwise)

KEY:
BMS = Boner Medication Saturation
((this week's rank/last week's rank))
-- = new to the chart this week

Well, I Knew They Weren't Born...

THE INTERNET IS AN EXCELLENT SOURCE OF ACCURATE INFO, as everyone knows. And I don't just mean Wikipedia. There's also random people's websites filled with all kinds of great information, like how the planes didn't really fly into the World Trade Center on 9/11 and how the towers were brought down intentionally by demolitions experts.

It's so simple people! The clues are all there! Never mind that logic tells you that theory MUST be bonkers. Never mind that! Ignore that! What did logic ever do for you anyway, huh?

With accuracy like that all over the Interweb, it should come as no surprise to anyone, that YouTube has the lowdown on Jews.



Now, I haven't watched this video yet. But I am excited that I can "do it myself"! I've always wanted to build a Jew, but I just didn't know where to start.

Thank you, YouTube! And thank you, too, Internets! How did I ever get along without you?

The Beards Go On

I AM ON STRIKE. I don't mean this in any hyperbolic way. I mean it literally. As a member of the Writers Guild of America, I have been on strike since the beginning of November. If you don't know exactly what we're striking for, just read the papers and believe what the producers and studio execs are saying. (Because why would they lie?)

We are striking to destroy Hollywood.

Once we have accomplished that, we'll go back to what we normally do. For me and more than half of the WGA members, that means going back to being an unemployed writer. Trust me, it's wayyyyy more dignified than "striking writer." Also, it requires far less exercise, but (luckily) the same amount of Xbox.


As it happens, I made a decision during the first week of the strike that I had no idea would be so popular. With people other than my mother, that is. That decision? To put my razor on strike as well, and to grow a "strike beard." More on this particular beard a little later. When I decided to stop shaving, in perhaps my bravest moment as an adult male, I had no idea just how popular my decision would be...until this very evening. The evening of the return of the late night talk show hosts.

Let us for a moment put aside Jay Leno and Craig Ferguson, and speak only of Conan and Dave. Actually, I will not speak. I will let the pictures speak.


Coincidence? That seems unlikely. It must have been design. I must have been in cahoots with Conan and Dave. Or, at the very least, as lazy and unwilling to shave as they were.

Conan even referred to his as a "strike beard," much as I did, mere moments ago in this very blog. So, I was ahead of the curve...or at least exactly in sync with the curve. Okay, I admit that Conan and Dave show an ability to grow a full and complete beard whereas I can't muster much more than a sad adolescent-seeming attempt at facial hair. I admit it. I will also admit that my nephew, who is 23, can grow a fuller more convincing beard, and has been able to do so since he was 17. In fact, he can do it in under a week.

My beard, on the other hand, the beard of a 41-year-old, is still patchy and thin, even after over two months. It is also much grayer than I'd hoped for. As a bonus, it inspired my mother to say, "You look like a terrorist!" So mission accomplished on that front.

All that aside, I feel I'm making my point, as a writer on strike. This beard is a threat, producers, and it's not going away until there's a fair deal on the table.

Yeah! Take THAT!