Saturday, May 10, 2008

Take A Sniff...Pull It Out?

I HAD FORGOTTEN ABOUT THIS MAGNIFICENT MOMENT from my past, until the geniuses at Videogum reminded me. It's an ad for Juicy Fruit gum that is basically a beer ad, only subbing chewing gum for beer.

There's no reason that an afternoon of skiing would be made more enjoyable by adding Juicy Fruit to it, but that's what the people at Wrigley would have us believe. Let's take a look at these captivating lyrics/operating instructions for that complex thing known as "chewing gum."

Get your skis shined up
Grab a stick of Juicy Fruit
The taste is gonna move ya!

Okay, people! This is the drill. Do NOT do these things in reverse order. Please shine your skis up, and then -- only then -- should you attempt to grab the stick of Juicy Fruit. Do you start chewing it yet? No! Please follow the directions. And try to be patient, for fuck's sake!

Take a sniff, pull it out
The taste is gonna move ya
When you pop it in your mouth!

This is what I'm talking about. There is a process at work here, a delicate process. First, you sniff the gum, then you pull it out. Do NOT pull it out and then sniff it! We don't know what might happen should you do that. We will not be held responsible. Our insurance just doesn't cover crazy, irresponsible shit like that.

Okay? All right then. Stay focused!

Now that the gum has been pulled out, you can pop it in your mouth. Only then can the taste move ya. I know there are a lot of questions about when to unwrap the gum. We assume it happens after you "pull it out" and before the mouth-popping. (That's what the images in the commercial imply.) But the instructions do not specify. Perhaps, at this point is it just best to leave the wrapper on. We will address this question with the Wrigley people and get back to you. But until then, please leave the wrapper on. Thank you.

Juicy Fruit is gonna move ya
It chews so soft, it gets right to ya
Juicy Fruit
The taste the taste the taste is gonna move ya!

Do you understand? The taste is gonna move ya! But the added benefit is how soft the gum chews. That, my friends, is what gets right to ya. Why? Because of sense memory, asshole! It sends you back to childhood, when chewing soft things was what you did all day, every day. Once those memories have been triggered, it is the taste, the taste, the taste that actually does the moving. Without the softness of the chew getting to ya, however, you may not end up moved at all. So please take note of the softness.

Now, enjoy your gum.

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