Sunday, November 30, 2008

What Is Ryan Seacrest?


It's just another example of the non-confusing nature of the Interwebs. Like this clickable ad that keeps showing up on the Facebooks.

Which seems to imply that if I'm a fan of the British band Muse I will also then have some sort of knowledge about Bob Dylan. "Do you like cheese? Then take this fun quiz and test your knowledge about dental hygiene now!"

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving!


It may not be as popular as the "you got your peanut butter in my chocolate, you got your chocolate in my peanut butter" deliciousness of the Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, but it is a close second. Also, it goes great with Turducken.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Marriage Protection

THE 99 THINGS I MUST PROTECT MY MARRIAGE AGAINST (That are more of a threat to it than gay marriage.)
1. Fire ants
2. Aphids
3. Termites
4. Bed bugs
5. Fleas & ticks
6. Angry bees
7. Slightly annoyed bees
8. Ordinary bees
9. Brown recluse spiders
10. Spiders (all other, especially the kind on the ceiling)
11. Scorpions
12. Robots
13. The West Nile Virus
14. The Rage Virus
15. Any zombie apocalypse
16. The release of yet another apocalyptic film directed by Roland Emmerich. I mean, 2012? The world gets destroyed again? Seriously?
17. Drunk celebrities
18. The Rapture
19. People who perform “Rapture” by Blondie at karaoke
20. People who are really excited to put a “Yes on 8” sign in their yards
21. People who wish they were “brave enough” to put a “Yes on 8” sign in their yards
22. People who said they were voting No on 8…but voted Yes instead
23. Poor spelling
24. Poor drivers
25. Poorly prepared eggs
26. People who come back from two weeks in Europe with an accent
27. An REO Speedwagon reunion tour
28. Body issues
29. Cannibals
30. Spoiled meat
31. The Orc army from Isengard
32. The Nazgul riders
33. Gollum
34. Any of Sauron’s minions
35. Mike Piazza
36. The metric system
37. Psoriasis
38. High blood pressure
39. Low tire pressure
40. People who say “an” before saying “historic”
41. The hopes of orphaned children
42. The unfulfilled dreams of youth
43. The dark schemes of the rich
44. Floods (flash or otherwise)
45. Lightning
46. Wildfires
47. Tornados
48. Tsunamis
49. Hurricanes
50. Earthquakes
51. Youth quakes
52. Ann Coulter’s acid wit & gigantic mannish hands
53. Errant foul balls
54. Shoes that just don’t fit right
55. The Liberal media
56. The Phillie Phanatic
57. Explosive diarrhea
58. Andy Rooney’s homespun humor
59. Bill O’Reilly’s loofah
60. Hugh Grant
61. Any movie starring Meryl Streep
62. Vegetarian gravy
63. Vegans
64. Hippies
65. Monsters (Cloverfield and otherwise)
66. Mind control
67. The return of Knight Rider
68. The original Knight Rider
69. Non-Euclidean geometry
70. Girls who refuse to go wild
71. Parachute pants
72. Stone-washed or acid-washed anything
73. Ties with keyboards printed on them
74. Members Only jackets that, apparently, anyone can own
75. Dinosaurs (re-animated or regular)
76. Non-adorable lions
77. Hungry, hungry hippos
78. Hungry hippos
79. Sated hippos who are nonetheless ill-tempered
80. Incontinence
81. The inability to go, or the inability to stop going
82. Boners that last more than four hours
83. Anxiety
84. Fear
85. Malaise
86. Lack of confidence (also: Confidence)
87. The 2-3 zone
88. The Box & 1
89. Man-to-man D (obviously)
90. Bad stand-up comedy
91. Poorly upholstered furniture
92. People who still imitate Borat
93. Alien attack
94. Mole people uprising
95. The “comedy” of Carlos Mencia
96. The future
97. The past
98. The possibility that our past is actually our future and that in order to save our future we have to destroy the past.
99. The fact that my mind just got totally blown. Holy shit, I’m so fuckin’ high right now!

Monday, November 24, 2008

Blame It on Prop. 8


Peruvian Poncho Party!

SERIOUSLY THOUGH... what the fuck is wrong with this guy?

He's like a three-year-old who finds it impossible not to show how bored or uncomfortable he is in situations that are outside his normal experience. I know that other presidents have had candid photos taken that looked silly, but this is like Photo #4,392 of this fuckin' guy. You can read what he's thinking on his face. It's like, "I hate this poncho. How long do I have to wear this stupid thing? I hope my friends don't see me in this stupid poncho. This stupid poncho is gay."

Look, dude, I know you're in Peru and you have to wear this poncho and it's not really your style and all of that. But, for what it's worth, you're the president. Not for much longer, true. But you are the president.


Saturday, November 22, 2008

Friday, November 21, 2008

Thursday, November 20, 2008

What a Difference a Letter Makes

THANKS TO MY PAL STEVE for giving me the heads up on this beauty. A little police blotter item from the Gaston Gazette from Gaston County, North Carolina.

Oh, news typos! Why do I find you so entertaining? What I love most about this one is the simple displacement of one letter takes the headline from ordinary to hilarious. Just one letter.

It reminds me of when I was managing editor at a weekly newspaper in Kansas City. I had a restaurant reviewer who worked for me who was Asian and he was reviewing a Chinese restaurant. And in the review, he talked about the huge appetizer that he had eaten and how "it was more than enough for our people."

Now, he had simply left off the F of the word "four", just missed the key, I'm sure. But that didn't make it any less funny to me. "Dude," I wanted to say, "these reviews aren't just for your people. They are for everyone. Please try to be more inclusive."

I'll admit. I was tempted to leave it as is, so that it would get printed that way. But at that time I suffered from this condition known as "journalistic integrity."

Thank god we finally found a cure for that!

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

The First Rule of Real Estate

DO I HAVE REGRETS? Oh sure, I have a few. Near the top of that list is this one.

Not long after I moved to Los Angeles, I worked in the valley, and on my commute to work, I passed this bus stop. For my entire tenure at that job, the ad on the bus stop bench was for this real estate guy who serviced the valley. Like a lot of real estate ads, it was just a picture of the agent, with his name in giant type, a "motto" (if you will) and his phone number. The guy looked a little like the picture here, only his mullet was a little shorter, his smile was a little cheesier and he wore a white tuxedo and was looking right into the camera. He may not have actually worn a white tuxedo in the picture, but in my memory, that is what he was workin'. It said his name (which I do not recall) across the top, and then below it was his motto:

Location, location, location, etc.

I passed it a hundred times and never took a picture of it. I had a camera at that time. I don't know why I never bothered to snap a quick pic. I regret it to this day. Because part of the beauty was the look on the guy's face. Like he was so proud of that motto, that he had improved the old rule of real estate.

As my wife summed it up, "What does it take to get to Carnegie Hall? Practice, practice, practice, etc.!"

Monday, November 17, 2008

Try to Enjoy Your Life Day

THIRTY YEARS AGO TODAY, in a galaxy far, far away, Bea Arthur, Art Carney, Diahann Carroll, Harvey Korman and Jefferson Starship combined forces with the cast of Star Wars to create a magical two-hour television experience called The Star Wars Holiday Special.

Yes, I said, Star Wars, Harvey Korman and Jefferson Starship in the same sentence. And, yes, I said TWO HOURS. Here's a little taste.

Surprisingly, George Lucas has disowned this special. I don't know why he would do that? What could he possibly be ashamed of?

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Maybe She Meant to Say "Coloring"?

WHILE I'M SURE THE OBAMA CAMPAIGN WAS HAPPY to have Lindsay Lohan's blog-based support during the campaign, I'm not sure she's helping things right now. During a recent interview on Access Hollywood, Lohan described her experience on Election Day by saying, "It was really exciting. It's an amazing feeling. It's our first colored president."

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Great Moments in Broadcasting

SO, I'M WATCHING SOME FOOTBALL, like I do on Sundays, and one of the guys calling the Raiders-Panthers game responds to another good Raiders defensive play by saying this:

"Wow! This is an aroused Raiders defense!"

If this is really the case, maybe the guys on the field are watching too much of this:

And not enough of this:

It's just a thought.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Every Picture Tells a Story

THE ELECTION RESULTS ARE STILL COMING IN, but I find it interesting that has very quietly communicated John McCain's fading optimism and Obama's rising confidence. As more states have fallen for Obama, they've changed Obama's picture from "hopeful" to "triumphant" (complete with American flag behind) while McCain's picture has gone from "happy and confident" to "I'm mildly amused...not disappointed."

Here's the graphic at 6 pm Pacific Time.

And here's the graphic just 45 minutes later.

Guess that's what losing Ohio does to a guy.

I'm curious if they have a picture of McCain crying into a towel for later this evening.

Good Work, CNN!

THIS JUST IN! THE NAKED COWBOY predicts a landslide victory for John McCain. Who is the Naked Cowboy, you ask? It's that guy who plays guitar in Times Square wearing only a cowboy hat, underwear and boots. In other words, he's a savvy political pundit with his finger on the pulse of the electorate. And CNN, in their endless quest for substantive news, made sure to interview the Naked Cowboy in Times Square and find out (finally!) what he had to say about this historic election.

"It will be a landslide," the Naked Cowboy said, "McCain." To support his position, he referred to his father in Cincinnati, who is, apparently, wearing seven (count them: SEVEN!) McCain buttons today. That's how enthusiastic his father is for McCain. And that's how enthusiastic the Naked Cowboy is about McCain. Not the the NC is wearing any buttons. (Where would he pin them? Ouch!) But he has plastered his acoustic guitar with McCain/Palin bumper stickers.

Here's his indisputable logic why a landslide victory for McCain is all but assured. "The people that will vote for McCain are people like my father, who are literally at the election booths from 6-10 at night. The people that would vote for Obama might show up. But they're not doing that kind of intensity."

See? Just like everybody else who has been watching this campaign, the Cowboy Sans Culottes has noticed that no one is really that enthusiastic about Obama. Whereas McCain has really energized the electorate in a way no other candidate in recent history has. That's why, according to the Clothing-Optional Cowboy, the numbers are so even between the two candidates. At least according to him. I mean, there aren't really polls that back that up, unless Obama 349, McCain 189 (the current electoral projection) means "even."

But what the fuck do I know about politics? Nothing compared to a guy with his name painted on his ass, right? So, maybe it is an even race right now. Given that's the case, here's the logic behind a McCain landslide. Take it away Nude Guy!

"With the numbers so even, the psychological tendency to go for a sense of security, people will go for McCain."

It sort of makes sense. If you add words to it. And also if you pretend you're retarded.

Well, there's no point in me trashing the guy's political prowess. We'll see who's smarter about politics in a matter of hours.

Monday, November 3, 2008

How To Know If The Fix Is In

I LIVE IN LOS ANGELES, and I have many lefty friends, many who are way more left than me. So for the past eight years, I've heard a lot of -- oh, let's call them -- "election shenanigans" stories. About how Florida was fixed in 2000, about how Ohio was fixed in 2004. And how the wheels are in motion for McCain to steal it this year.

Now, for the most part, I don't believe a lot of these paranoid musings. Not that I don't think the Republicans will do anything (and I do mean anything) to win the White House. I must also confess that I have confidence Obama will win. At various times during this race I have threatened to make a $2,000 bet with my friend Brooke. She fully believes the Republicans will find another way to steal an election this year and I think Obama's a lock because McCain is essentially a terrible choice for president. So I have, on several occasions, bet her $2,000 that Obama would win. She has not taken this bet.

{Editor's note: My wife has, in no uncertain terms, forbidden me from making such silly bets as these. Not that I can afford them in the first place. And rightly so. I mostly made the bet because I knew Brooke wouldn't take it.}

Also, I don't think the election was stolen in 2004. (Regardless of what happened in Ohio.) I just think Kerry was a profoundly terrible choice for president. A man so anti-charismatic as to make Michael Dukakis shine like a newly minted penny in comparison. We all just rallied behind Kerry and thought he was a good candidate because we all hated Bush so much. But in the clear focus of retrospectacles, we can all see how silly it was that we thought that guy could win. How terrible was Kerry? Bush barely beat him. That's how bad he was. He was bad enough to convince people that Bush was a better choice.

So now we've got Obama vs. McCain, and if you consider the past half-dozen elections as popularity contests, with the most popular boy in school winning, you'll understand why I think Obama will win.

Look, America loves pretty people and loves a winner. Obama is more handsome and charismatic than McCain. Also, he seems to be winning. And just like people who have never been to Yankee Stadium wear Yankees apparel because it makes them part of a winning team (or at least it did in the late '90s), people hate to "waste" their vote by voting for a loser. Look at the historical record.

1984 -- Ronald Reagan, a movie star vs. Walter Mondale, a cartoon character. Result: Reagan won by a landslide.
1988 -- George H.W. Bush, a congenial-looking man (with a dark, dark soul) vs. Michael Dukakis, another cartoon character, this one with crazy eyebrows. Result: Bush wins by a landslide.
1992 -- Bill Clinton, a young handsome devil vs. President Bush, the incumbent vs. Ross Perot, an even more hilarious cartoon character. Result: Clinton wins decisively. Perot sinks into hilarious obscurity and/or gigantic piles of money.
1996 -- President Clinton, the incumbent vs. Bob Dole, a charming old war veteran who seemed a little weird. Result: Clinton wins re-election, and still remains generally popular despite getting blown by an intern and lying about it.
2000 -- George W. Bush, an idiot man-child remade as a plain-talkin' regular guy vs. Al Gore, a handsome candidate whose speeches instantly put people to sleep. Result: A very close race (both men were handsome!) but Bush wins.
2004 -- President Bush, the incumbent vs. John Kerry, a boring version of Frankenstein. Result: four more years of sadness.
And now...
2008 -- Barack Obama, a young, handsome African-American man vs. John McCain, a charming old war veteran who seems a little weird. Result: see Bob Dole.

But all that is not to say that Karl Rove and the minions of Sauron cannot pull off an upset. So, remember this number:

If McCain wins by that number, you will know the fix is in.

How did I come by this number? Was it some advanced algorithm? No, of course not. I decided on this number arbitrarily. But there it is anyway. If the election goes to McCain by 51.4%, we will all know we have been robbed. So stay sharp, people. And vote as often as you can.

But for the record, I still believe Obama will win by a landslide. That it will be an early night. That McCain will suffer an embarrassing loss. That's what I believe. That is my prediction. But, as many of you know, my mental powers are a dubious gift at best.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Coffee-Based Politics

FIRST OFF, I'M NO FAN OF JOHN MCCAIN. I feel like about four years ago he totally sold himself out for the promise of a shot at the White House. Also, lately, he seems a little crazy. But one thing I'll give him is that he was a war hero. He fought for the country and endured one of the worst things a soldier can endure: being held prisoner for years. Like his politics or not, he was held captive in a bamboo cage and lived to tell the tale. That takes a little bit of strength of character. And while I don't want him anywhere near the White House, I don't think I need to attack his character to prove that point. His policy choices are weak enough.

That was not the case for the guy I sat next to at Peet's Coffee this morning, who said, emphatically, "John McCain is NOT a war hero." To support this position, he said, "He’s just a pilot who got shot down." As if flying missions during wartime in and of itself took no bravery. This guy knew the deal though, because he had "talked to guys who were on the front line in Iraq" and those guys were of the opinion that pilots weren't that brave because "they don’t think they’re going to get shot down."

Also, his father fought in WWII and was a prisoner of war. And, as this guy passed on, "the Nazis were way worse to prisoners than the Viet Cong."

To which I said to myself, "Um, really?" And then, "Do you really think that's a supportable thesis? Are you sure you don't want to rethink that?"