Monday, April 27, 2009

Their Flippers Feel So Slippery!

SO YOU GUYS NEVER ANSWERED MY EVITE... Are you or aren't you going to come to my animal rave? It's BYOSP...bring your own seal pacifier.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Babies Do the Most Disturbing Things

THE BEST PART OF THIS, other than the part that will give me nightmares, is that the father doesn't know the baby is totally making fun of him. It's the baby version of "blah blah blah blah blah."

Wait. I just watched it again. I think everyone is mistaken. The baby's not preaching. He's imitating Hitler.

Well, whichever it is, it sure isn't comforting.


NEEDLESS TO SAY, I want to go to there!

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Space Blob!

DON'T FREAK OUT, EVERYBODY. It's just Bruce Vilanch Oh yeah! I totally just snapped Bruce Vilanch! With a fat joke! Super classy!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Hunger Strike!

BUT HOW EFFECTIVE WILL IT REALLY BE when the hunger strike is initiated by someone who kinda always looks hungry? Maybe I'm over-analyzing.

UPDATE: Maybe the punchline I'm searching for is: Isn't every day "hunger strike day" for Mia Farrow?

Twitter Must Be Destroyed!

I GUESS IT'S NOT MAUREEN DOWD'S JOB to be on the cutting edge of technology. The New York Times columnist, according to Wikipedia (the world's most accurate site), writes about politics mostly in columns that "display a critical and irreverent attitude" and she uses an "acerbic, often polemical writing style."

All of that was totally on display in yesterday's Op-Ed piece about Twitter, in which Dowd finally took Twitter down a peg, as if anyone but her really felt it needed that. "I was here on a simple quest," Dowd wrote, "curious to know if the inventors of Twitter were as annoying as their invention." It was some real hard-nosed journalism, in which she asked Twitters founders to "justify themselves."

Now, I'm sure that she was going for some sort of humor with this piece. Or at least I hope that she was. Otherwise, she was just being a dick to the Twitter founders for no good reason. And the two founders read her open hostility toward their lark of an invention -- that is probably way more of a household name than, let's say, "Maureen Dowd" -- and their dislike of her is clear to everyone reading the piece. Everyone but Dowd herself, who finds both of the men "charming" and doesn't notice that one of the men only curtly answers one of her questions before leaving.

Every question she asks them is basically, "So, Twitter is stupid and annoying, even you know that, right?" Or maybe it's, "Why did you fart in the elevator and leave?" Or maybe it's even, "You gave the world AIDS, how can you live with yourselves?"

Look, I'm on Twitter, and my point is NOT that Twitter is the most amazing invention ever. Far from that. Twitter is whatever it is, which is mostly just another entertaining distraction on the web. It's not a threat to our society. It's not a sign of the downfall of man. It's just a dumb website that people enjoy. Mostly younger people. People younger than me. People much younger than Dowd.

Oh shit, I totally snapped Maureen Dowd by calling her old!

And her railing on and on about "how awful Twitter is" reads like a modern version of "Why aren't there Victrolas anymore? I miss the Charleston! And I thought I told you kids to stop playing stickball on my lawn!"

Yes, Maureen, Twitter is frivolous. But who cares if it is?

I can't wait until she writes a scathing column about how gum is terrible because it isn't food. "What's the point? You chew and chew and...THEN WHAT? I'll ask the inventors of gum to apologize to civilization for making what they made instead of making food."

Way to go, print media! Way to decisively prove your relevance!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

An American Dream

FOR NO APPARENT REASON, last night I had an American Idol dream. It was not similar to my wife's yearly American Idol dream, in which she is a participant. I was just watching the show. So, on that note alone, nice work, imagination. Way to really run free. In my dreams, I get to do things I ordinarily do anyway! Jealous much? I thought you might be.

Anyhoward, so in my dream I was watching American Idol and this contestant, who was about 6-foot-8, was about to do a song. Very quickly, the show reminded us of his previous performance, which was a little country ditty. They showed the footage of it. He had a big ol' acoustic guitar on and was flanked (for no good reason) by two attractive country-attired ladies. They did not provide background vocals and did not dance. They just hung there on his arms, like the sleeves of a jacket.

The show played just a short piece of this lame country song he sang, before we went to the new performance. The Giant Potential Idol (GPI) walked out on stage to very '80s sounding synth-pop. And once he was at center stage, he started doing The Robot. He was not good at doing The Robot, but he seemed very pleased with himself to be doing it. The song he danced and sang to was a medley, and I wish to Elvis above that I could remember what songs he quickly cycled through. Because they did not go together in the least. But there were three or four songs he sang -- and Robot-ed to -- before he landed on the main course.

First, GPI stopped doing the Robot to get the audience up on their feet and clapping and shouting. This, to almost no musical backing at all. The audience happily complied. They were eating this shit up. And I mean shit. He was horrible. But the audience was going crazy. He got them rhythmically clapping and shouting in a sort of "We Will Rock You" kind of way, and once they had that down, he added his part, a strident screech that he repeated every four beats. I will approximate it here in print since you cannot hear me scream from where you are sitting.

It sounded like, "EeeeYIE-uh-yi-yi-yi-eye-EEEEEE!"

He did that over and over again. And after two or three of them, the audience had their "ah-hah" moment. They recognized what he was doing, what song this was, and they went even crazier. He was singing Peter Gabriel's "Shock The Monkey" and it was a surprise (somehow). And they loved it (also somehow).

Once he started his weird shriek, he resumed his Robot-ics, which continued, with increasing awkwardness, throughout the whole song. His performance was a disaster, but no one in the studio seemed to notice that. They loved the singing. They went crazy every time he did something Robot-y. Everyone was totally won over by the GPI. Excepting of course Simon Cowell.

When the camera finally cut away to Simon, he looked flabbergasted. Or maybe he was gobsmacked. Whatever the case, he was not pleased. And you could totally read it on his face. He hated the performance. He hated the Robot dancing. And he hated that everyone in the studio, excepting him, loved the shit out of it. He looked bewildered. Yeah, that's the word I was looking for! Let's go with that one. Bewildered!

But the best part was that Simon, in the dream, looked just like Mel Gibson. Not Lethal Weapon-era Mel Gibson, but crazy anti-Semite Mel Gibson. The Mel Gibson everyone has found so cuddly and crazy and adorable and horrible of late. But I need to be clear here. It wasn't that Jew-hating Mel was playing the part of Simon (as sometimes happens in dreams). It was that Simon, for reasons my brain did not explain, was disguised as Mel "SugarTits" Gibson. He had a wig on, and a beard, so you could totally tell whom he was emulating, but you could also still tell it was Simon.

Unfortunately, my alarm went off before I could hear Simon/Mel's reaction to the GPI's Robot "Monkey". I'm sure it would have been good.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Beware of Republicans!


Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Caught in the Act!

LOOK OUT, NERDS! Especially in the Pittsburgh area. Google Maps is watching you and your friends do your Live Action Role Playing in the empty lot at 8 Sampsonia Way.

Of all the embarrassing things to get caught doing by the GooglePatrol, this might be my favorite. These two poor bastards never saw it coming. They were just trying to get their chaotic neutral melee on. Whoops! I just made a reference that only D&D players would understand. Who's the nerd now, huh?

The answer is still: those two guys in Pittsburgh.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Perfect For Passover Seder or Easter Brunch

SORRY I HAVEN'T POSTED IN A WHILE, but I've been busy designing my new line of jeans/thongs. I figured, why wear both when you can wear one. It's like the KFC Bowl of casual wear. It's all there in one convenient package!

And the best part about it is that it literally goes with anything.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, "You're welcome, America."